New New Labour Surging in Face of Chaos, Cardigans

Published by Matthew Davidson on Thu, 21/07/2016 - 4:27pm in

Jeremy Corbyn's leadership looked shakier than ever today, after it was revealed that his challenger boldly intended to make appearances in public prior to the interminable upcoming leadership election. "After nearly a year of dismal failure, Labour is ready for a return to it's roots," a spokesman for rising nonentity Owen Smith said. "Labour voters are uncomfortable with ideas, values, and character. What they are crying out for is a leader with a nice new haircut, sensible, focus-group-tested spectacle frames, and very, very sharp trouser creases."

Smith is rapidly winning support among the Parliamentary Labour Party. A source close to Tom Watson in a Stone Roses t-shirt said "The marvellous thing about Owen is, the moment he enters the room, you get this tremendous feeling that something's missing but you can't quite put your finger on it. Then, as soon as he leaves, you forget he was ever there. God, I miss Milliband."

 
Owen Smith. Artist's impression.

However other Labour MPs are nonplussed. "I don't see any reason for a leadership election at all, frankly," says Jamie Reed. "I think Theresa May is the best leader we've had since Tony. Her pro-armageddon stance speaks to the values our party has stood for since it was founded twenty years ago. Anybody willing to get up every morning and goad the four horsemen of the apocalypse the way she does deserves our continued support."