brexit

Wonga provide financial aid package as Britain’s credit rating reduced

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 24/09/2017 - 4:18am in

Tags 

brexit

Payday loan provider Wonga has announced today that it has offered to step in and help the government. The move follows a further reduction of Britain’s credit rating by Moody’s.

The reduction from ‘mortgage potentials’ to ‘spare some change please’ was branded outdated by the Treasury.
A spokesperson for the Treasury went on to say that Teresa May has ‘laid out an ambitious plan for future relations with the EU’. However, a leaked memo today confirmed that this was just a drawing by David Davis of a pot of gold at the end of a red, white and blue rainbow.

Head of loans at Wonga, Sheila Moneypenny, stated that they felt very sorry for the government after today’s announcement.
“We have set out a range of packages from £50 to £18bn, over a three or six month flexible loan. We are also pleased to have put together a very generous APR of only 1325%. This is representative of the government’s increased level of stupidity during the Brexit process.”

The government are now unable to apply for low rate credit cards and hire purchase vehicles. Although their Park Christmas hamper and Grattan catalogue accounts aren’t affected.

It was rumoured that 118-loans had also offered financial aid to the government although they pulled out at the last minute.

A spokesman told The Rochdale Herald “We don’t want to be associated with annoying morons with stupid catchphrases, do we 118?”

Philip Hammond was unavailable for comment today, as he was shaking a collection bucket outside Westminster for the day.

Moody’s downgrade UK credit rating to junk status after realising who’s in charge

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 23/09/2017 - 10:00pm in

Tags 

brexit

It was announced this morning by a genuinely startled press that international rating agency Moody’s has downgraded the UK credit status to junk after finally realising who is in charge of the country.

The UK’s symbolic rulers, the Conservative Party, had assumed that Ms May’s barnstorming speech in Florence yesterday to an audience of hand picked British former civil servants and political somebodies would just show everyone how in control she is.

This has shocked all political watchers by apparently not being the case.

Apparently the speech, heard by the audience as visionary, if too conciliatory, and powerful, if pretty weak, and bold, if occasionally pathetic, had the opposite impact of what Ms May and her paymasters expected.

The Herald sent our International Relations Aren’t Rude correspondent along to discuss the matter with Moody’s.

“The speech was clearly written by a seasoned author of fantasies,” Mr Pound Short explained.

“We at Moody’s had already decided to downgrade the United Kingdom’s status before the speech.

We didn’t actually believe Ms May could say anything that would materially impact on our emotional assessment of the United Kingdom’s fiscal possibilities going forward with Brexit glowering over the land like a dragon about to shit,” He added.

“However, Theresa’s speech to an audience lacking any EU officials and clearly down out of some insane belief that just going to a famous European city would somehow make Angela Merkel turn into a puff pile of love and awed appreciation could only be the byproduct of a mind that specialises in producing fantasy fake news for consumption by credulous people who prefer an offshore billionaire does their thinking for them,”

This epitome, caused by the speech, is the reason “we at Moody’s have decided the UK is most definitely run now by a foreign power who only has their own interests at heart. You’re junk. Accept it. But that’s not all bad. Now you can be recycled!”

Theresa May says Britain and Europe should come together as if in some sort of Union after Brexit

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 23/09/2017 - 8:45pm in

Tags 

brexit

Theresa May has been further outlining her vision for Brexit.

The Prime Minister was speaking to journalists on her way home from Florence. She told us, “What I see is a red, white and blue Brexit. One where we each work together as sovereign nations to achieve a common goal. We have a common bond and common ties. We should look to each other for a mutually beneficial partnership. The partnership should be close and will lead to us overcoming issues together. It won’t be a union but it will be exactly the same as a union.”

When pressed further, Mrs May told us that the partnership will see Britain try to keep the exact same conditions of union membership but pay billions of pounds more to do it.
Predictably the speech hasn’t gone down well Brexiteers. One told the Herald, “I voted for Brexit. We should come straight out and if they won’t let us we should send the Royal Navy to sort it. Those new aircraftless carriers will soon have it resolved. And if that fails we still have a Lancaster we could bomb German dams with.”

84 year old Cliff Edge said, “I voted to stop the fascist EU dictating to us. Me and my friends didn’t fight in the battle of Britain to be dictated to by Germans. But that is exactly what’s happening. You’ll have to fight Hitler without us this time.”

40 year old Brian Lawton said, “Does this mean we still have to use the metric system? I refuse. Lock me up if you want, but you’ll never take away my freedom to buy a carpet in furlongs.”

Lawton also went on to add that he was fuming that blue passports may not become a reality. “If I ever travelled outside of Rochdale and used a passport I’d hate it if it wasn’t blue.”

Theresa May to prove in Florence it’s not just British people who don’t listen to a word she says

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 23/09/2017 - 12:24am in

Tags 

brexit

The British Prime Minister is today at the EU Summit in Florence to give a landmark speech to a 4,000 seat amphitheatre containing one homeless man and a stray dog.

The long-awaited key speech, in which Mrs May sets out the UK government proposals aimed at breaking the Brexit deadlock, will not be attended by a single EU official, because everyone knows it doesn’t matter what she says.

Mrs May’s speech, which has been widely leaked before she goes anywhere the platform, will set out government plans for a two year transitional deal that would take effect once the UK officially leaves the EU in March 2019.

As part of the settlement she will propose so-called ‘divorce payments’ in which the UK will pay €40 billion to Europe for the privilege of standing outside a really good party looking in through the window.

However, even British economists agree that this proposal will not be accepted, partly because there’ll be no one there to hear it, but more importantly because you don’t get to tell the people you owe money to how much you’re going to give them. That’s their job.

The Herald was unable to get any comments from EU ministers, press corp or cleaning staff, on account of there being nobody there. The homeless man was approached for comment but only spoke Italian, and we didn’t bring anyone who speaks any other languages. I just assumed everyone at an international summit would speak English?

The stray dog, however, gave a fitting assessment of the situation when he cocked his leg up the speaker’s podium and took a dump in the centre of the stage.

EU to offer May reproduction of Munch’s The Scream to hang in 10 Downing Street

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 21/09/2017 - 10:30pm in

Tags 

brexit

The woman who believes she is British Prime Minister is to travel to Florence tomorrow to give a one date stand up performance in front of the leaders of the European Union and select guests.

It’s believed Ms May has been working on new material lately after her tried and tested routine had been heard so often by the public at large she was in danger of being offered tenure as a guest on the BBC’s selection of panel shows.

Ever the inventive comedian, Ms May took some time out over the summer to work on fresh jokes with the hope of premiering them for her wide selection of friends across the channel.

The Rochdale Herald’s Comedy is Life correspondent spoke to an aide to Junker to learn what sort of reception Ms May can expect when she trials her novel word play in Florence tomorrow.

“We’ve decided to give her a present.” Mr Glen Fiddich answered. “We’ve decided that a quality reproduction painting of a European classic that best reflects Ms May’s reality would be the most suiting thank you.”

But what painting exactly?

“Edvard Munch’s The Scream seem the most fitting, yes?” Mr Fiddich replied, smirking.

It’s believed analysis of the floor plan of Ms May’s office at 10 Downing Street shows there is a place right next to the oil painting of trench warfare painted by no other than Winston Churchill.

“We think Ms May can look upon The Scream when she is at work micromanaging events she has no ability to actually control and take heart that someone else, somewhere else in time, is feeling exactly as she does each morning when she considers the flaming bag of turds that is Brexit, which she has decided to hold so tight in her fist, it’s leaking out across her famous shoes.”

Brexit Denialism: The Customs/Border Problem and the Curious Case of the Pallets

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 20/09/2017 - 8:03pm in

A case study of how basic, critically important Brexit issues like customs are being ignored by the Government, to the peril of the public.

Boris Back to Lying about Giving Money from Brexit to the NHS

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 19/09/2017 - 7:26pm in

Late last week, Boris Johnson threw the Tories into further chaos as he published his own, 4,000 word document outlining his vision for Brexit. It’s clearly another bid for power from someone, who desperately wants to be in the driving seat and doesn’t care what he says or who he betrays to get there. May responded by calling him a ‘backseat driver’ and insisted that she is in control. Well, as people have commented, if she has to say it, then she obviously isn’t.

And Mike the other day put up a piece showing that Johnson is back to repeating the old Brexit lies he used last time. Yup, he’s told the British people once again that we pay £350 million a year to the EU, when with rebates and other considerations it’s far less than that, and in fact Britain has a net benefit from remaining within the European Union. And he’s also trotted out the old lie that some of this money will be spent on the NHS when we come out.

In fact, Johnson and his fellow Brexiteers have absolutely no intention of doing this. No surprise there. They didn’t when Britain narrowly voted to Leave the European Union. Instead, Johnson did what Tories always do, and reneged on the promise. He made a lot of huffing and puffing about not actually having promised to give that money to the NHS, and only said that if we left the EU, some of that money, for example, could be spent on the Health Service.

Despite the fact that the buses that went round the country clearly stated that the money would be spent on the NHS.

Johnson lied. And he’s doing it again.

It’s all part of his cynical maneoevrings to get himself into No. 10. He was a Remainer, until he decided to throw in his lot with Michael Gove. Whom he then betrayed. And how far he really believes that leaving the EU will benefit Britain is a very good question. From the ashen expression on his face when the result came in that Britain, well, really only England, had voted to Leave, he doesn’t believe in it at all.

The man has no principles, and is just cynically repeating an old, tired lie to get himself a bit closer to becoming PM. Don’t be taken in.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

As George Dubya nearly said correctly.

http://voxpoliticalonline.com/2017/09/18/boris-johnsons-350-million-eu-claim-is-still-a-lie-no-matter-how-he-dresses-it-up/

Mike’s article is also worth reading for what the folks on Twitter have to say about this latest resurrected falsehood from Johnson. One of the more interesting observations comes from a Beeb journo, who reports that they were under pressure from their bosses to find a positive story about how Brexit would benefit the UK. They couldn’t find any. Eventually, they were going to have to settle for the news that the vaping canisters for e-cigarettes would be bigger. But even that was wrong.

And the piccie Mike uses for that article is also quite fun. It shows one of the buses with Johnson’s infamous lie on its side, stuck halfway up a cliff face.

Which is rather like one of the urban legends that went round in the 1990s, and which got into the pages of Private Eye. According to this tale, American police had found the remains of a chevy out in the Nevada Desert. It seemed the former owner, with a need for speed that went beyond even Jeremy Clarkson’s, had had the bright idea of sticking a JATO engine on his car’s roof. These are small rocket engines that are used to assist air force jets to take off from small runways. This clown forgot just how powerful these engines are, and was completely unprepared for the 8 G acceleration which kicked in when he fired it. According to the story, under its thrust the car left the road and ‘the surly bonds of Earth’, flying five miles before ending its journey by crashing 30 feet up into a cliff face. The impact was so severe that all that was left of the driver was his false teeth.

Fortunately, this story turned out to be untrue. It was a lie, just like Johnson’s porkie about £350 million being paid to the EU, and how that will instead go to the NHS. It never happened, though there isn’t actually anything improbable about the details. Burt Rutan, a former NASA engineer, and the man designing SpaceShip Two for Beardie Branson’s Virgin Galactic, built his own spacecraft, the Volksrocket, for $70,000 using rocket motors that the government had manufactured, then discarded in the local rubbish dump. It shows what private individuals could and are doing in developing space technology, that has the potential to make space vastly more accessible.

As for Johnson, all I can say is that I hope his lies about Brexit, and indeed his entire political ambitions, go the same way as the JATO propelled rocket in the story, and meet a very sudden, and well-deserved end.

Statistics confirm three kinds of lies; lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s statistics

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 18/09/2017 - 7:44pm in

Tags 

brexit

UK Statistics Authority have reaffirmed the old adage today that there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s use of statistics.

Head of the watchdog Mr Norse Code is said to be understandably apoplectic over Mr Johnson’s repeated use of the £350M a week sum.

“The Foreign Secretary is a foreigner in the land of the truth.” Mr Norse Code blasted Boris Johnson. “Everyone on earth, including Mr Johnson, knows the £350M a week sum is complete and utter bollocks. It’s basic accounting. It’s there in black and white. Mr Johnson is showing daily my institution has sod all power to stop politicians lying through their teeth and it’s driving me crazy.”

Questions have been raised too about Mr Johnson’s revival of a figure that even Nigel Farage has distanced himself from. Mr Farage is a man who proudly stands in front of anti-immigration billboards that closely mirror nazi propaganda, so if he won’t touch it with yours, then how bad can it be?

Mr Johnson’s motivation is believed to be an attempt to put a hole in the side of Prime Minister Theresa May’s already listing ship of governance, taking on water heavily as a matter of course, because she is a terrible pilot, and constantly receiving incoming fire from tantrum throwing schoolboy George Osborne.

“Mr Johnson may believe in his desperate desire to become prime minister that misusing statistics that only credulous fools like brexiters believe will help him destroy Ms May, but he’s only doing further harm to the catastrophic state of public discourse surrounding Brexit.” Mr Code added.

“I’ll tell you another old adage that holds good. There are only two things that are certain in life, death and the fact that Boris Johnson is as trustworthy a guardian of the truth as Lance Armstrong in a blood bank!”

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s statistics

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 18/09/2017 - 7:23pm in

Tags 

brexit

UK Statistics Authority have reaffirmed the old adage today that there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and Boris Johnson’s use of statistics.

Head of the watchdog Mr Norse Code is said to be understandably apoplectic over Mr Johnson’s repeated use of the £350M a week sum.

“The Foreign Secretary is a foreigner in the land of the truth.” Mr Norse Code blasted Boris Johnson. “Everyone on earth, including Mr Johnson, knows the £350M a week sum is complete and utter bollocks. It’s basic accounting. It’s there in black and white. Mr Johnson is showing daily my institution has sod all power to stop politicians lying through their teeth and it’s driving me crazy.”

Questions have been raised too about Mr Johnson’s revival of a figure that even Nigel Farage has distanced himself from. Mr Farage is a man who proudly stands in front of anti-immigration billboards that closely mirror nazi propaganda, so if he won’t touch it with yours, then how bad can it be?

Mr Johnson’s motivation is believed to be an attempt to put a hole in the side of Prime Minister Theresa May’s already listing ship of governance, taking on water heavily as a matter of course, because she is a terrible pilot, and constantly receiving incoming fire from tantrum throwing schoolboy George Osborne.

“Mr Johnson may believe in his desperate desire to become prime minister that misusing statistics that only credulous fools like brexiters believe will help him destroy Ms May, but he’s only doing further harm to the catastrophic state of public discourse surrounding Brexit.” Mr Code added.

“I’ll tell you another old adage that holds good. There are only two things that are certain in life, death and the fact that Boris Johnson is as trustworthy a guardian of the truth as Lance Armstrong in a blood bank!”

‘Bomber’ Fallon and the Merchants of Death Arms Fair in London

Mike today has put up a piece over at Vox Political commenting on Michael Fallon’s speech yesterday at the DSEI arms fair in London. Fallon, who earned the monicker ‘Bomber’ because of a speech in which he declared that Britain had a moral duty to bomb the peoples of the Middle East, now went on to say that, thanks to Brexit, Britain’s future as the world’s leading arms exporter looked good. And that we should try to sell armaments to anyone in the world, regardless of morality.

Mike makes the point that Fallon’s comments are insensitive, coming as they do when Britain is selling arms to Saudi Arabia, which is using it to kill innocent civilians, including children in schools and madrasas, in Yemen. And Saudi Arabia has no qualms whatsoever against using such armaments against us. 17 of the 19 people involved in the 9/11 hijacking were Saudis, and the trail of responsibility for that atrocity goes right up to the top of the Saudi government itself.

http://voxpoliticalonline.com/2017/09/17/warmonger-fallon-wants-the-uk-to-sell-arms-to-anyone-who-wants-them/

This weekend’s Counterpunch also carries an article by Michael Dickinson, ‘Stop the London Death Fair’, about the DSEI trade fair and its dealings with some of the world’s most evil and repressive governments. It begins

Roll up! Roll up! Ballistic missiles and hand grenades! Drones, helicopters and warships! Rocket launchers, tanks and assault rifles! Welcome to the biennial London Arms Fair! Showing now until 15th September at the Excel Centre in Docklands, the Defence Systems and Equipment International (DSEI) – “a world-leading event that brings together the defence and security sector to innovate and share knowledge” – presents one of the world’s biggest arms bazaars, displaying the latest high-tech arms and surveillance technology, crowd control and weaponry. This year the exhibition is split into five key zones: air, land, security and joint, all showcasing the latest equipment and systems. DSEI is organised by Clarion Events, with extensive cooperation from the British government.

Military personnel, politicians, private defence contractors and consultants mingle as they shop. Countries accused of war crimes and human rights abuses, Algeria, Angola, Colombia, Iraq, Oman, Qatar, Pakistan, Turkey, the UAE, and Ukraine are among the invited. Although not an official guest, the Israeli arms industry has special pavilions at the venue, where over 34,000 visitors are expected to view the latest in killing weaponry for sale, exhibited by more than 1,600 arms companies, including the US and UK giants Lockheed Martin, Boeing, Raytheon and BAE Systems.

With authoritarian regimes such as Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Bahrain and Azerbaijan among the official UK government guests in attendance, this year’s keynote speakers at the opening day conference included British Defence Secretary Sir Michael Fallon, International Trade Secretary Liam Fox and many of the top brass in the UK military establishment. Fox said that overseas governments had an inaliable right to defend themselves and that if they could not buy the equipment they required from developed countries with effective controls, like the UK, they would look elsewhere. Last year Britain’s arms export industry turned over 3 billion pounds.

Andrew Smith, a spokesman from the activist group Campaign Against the Arms Trade (CAAT) said: “DSEI is one of the biggest arms fairs in the world. It exists purely to maximise arms sales. Prime Minister Theresa May and her colleagues may talk about promoting human rights but DSEI could not happen without the full support of government. A lot of the regimes in attendance have been linked to terrible human rights abuses, and events like DSEI only make them more likely in future. It is vitally important to spread as much awareness as possible of this terrible arms fair taking place. ”

https://www.counterpunch.org/2017/09/15/stop-the-london-death-fair/

Conservative governments, including Margaret Thatcher’s, keenly supported the British arms industry, and this policy was taken over, along with just about everything else, by Tony Blair and New Labour. It’s hardly surprising. George Orwell remarked when he finally gave up his anti-War stance in the face of the Nazi threat, and went to work for the BBC writing anti-Nazi and pro-war material, that if you’re a member of the British upper and upper middle classes, you’re bred for war. This has always been true, ever since the modern armed forces emerged from the military aristocracies of the Middle Ages. The officer elite has always been solidly middle class, although there has been some efforts to make it more diverse.

The government has tried to defend its massive support for the arms industry by arguing that arms sales open up foreign markets to British industry generally. After buying some of that ‘wonderful kit’ David Cameron enthused about, foreign nations would go on to buy other British products and services. But they don’t. They buy British weapons, tanks and other pieces of hardware, and nothing else.

And the British ruling class, its politicians and senior civil servants, also stand to benefit personally from the arms trade. Private Eye for decades has exposed the revolving door between the MOD and British defence ministers, and the arms industry, in which British generals and officials find very lucrative places on the boards of defence contractors and arms manufacturers once they retire or leave office.

As for the private military contractors, previously known as mercenaries, that the British government has supported, these have been used by the Tories to give unofficial support to regimes, where it would have been otherwise embarrassing for Britain to send in the regular army. Like Sri Lanka.

It hardly needs stating that the arms industry is a deeply immoral trade, and that by lauding Britain’s role in it Fallon has shown the complete absence of any kind of moral consideration for the victims of these weapons and a complete indifference to the nature of the regimes he intends to sell them to.

As far as he’s concerned, war is a business. And business is good.

Close down the arms fair, and kick out Fallon and the rest of his vile government.

Pages