McDonald’s Launches New ‘Ethical Options’ Made From Free Range, Cruelty Free Emulsifiers

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 13/03/2018 - 12:40pm in


Business, Comedy

mcdonalds emulsifiers

Fast food giant McDonald’s has joined the movement towards offering more ethical food options, vowing to use only free range emulsifiers and additives in its burgers and fries.

A spokesperson for the company said its 218 different colourings, additives, silicones and emulsifiers were now free to roam free within the lab before being humanly coaxed into a large plastic tub for transportation.

“We try to make the process as compassionate as possible,” he said, pointing out a group of microcrystalline cellulose relaxing on a laboratory bench. “Our dimethylpolysiloxanes and diacetyl tartaric acid esters have it pretty good here!”

He said the result was more ethical, tastier food options. “I think you’ll notice the difference. It’s good to sit down for a meal knowing your anti-foaming agents and distilled monoglycerides have been treated fairly and humanly”.

Woolworths Self Checkout Machines To Double As Pokies

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 06/03/2018 - 10:22pm in


Business, Featured

woolworths self checkout

Customers at Woolworths will soon be able to gamble their entire weekly shop at the point of sale, in an innovative new strategy announced today.

Woolworths CEO Brad Banducci said new ‘double or nothing’ buttons would be rolled out on the company’s self checkout machines from next month.

“Now you can feed your family and your gambling addiction in one easy transaction,” he said, adding, “Although over time, the feeding your family bit might need to take a bit of a back seat”.

Mixing the company’s dual loves of fresh food and predatory gambling, 2% of customers will get their groceries for free, with the remainder losing their weekly shopping money.

Mr Banducci said staff would be on hand to help out with any technical issues and to collect intimate details about customers. “This is all about convenience. We want people to be in and out as slowly as possible”.

The machines will be installed in Australia’s poorest suburbs first, before being rolled out to other poor suburbs.


Brett Naseby

New ‘Airbarnaby’ Booking Site Just Lists Free Homes Provided By Millionaires

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 15/02/2018 - 4:08pm in



air barnaby

Global booking website Airbnb has launched a new offshoot brand which lists all the exclusive properties that are provided free of charge by millionaires.

Named ‘airbarnaby’, the new site is aimed at people struggling to break into the housing market in capital cities.

“Why bust you arse trying to save up for a $100,000 deposit for a studio apartment on the outskirts of Sydney, when you can live in a five-bedroom sprawling mansion for absolutely nothing?” a spokesperson for the new brand said.

Under the rules of the new site, those looking to stay in one of the free properties must be good mates with the owner. “It’s just one of the screening criteria we use to make sure this isn’t available to everyone,” the spokesperson said.

She said while the properties were free of charge, many guests liked to leave a small gift as a thank you. “A bottle of wine or a $5,000 government payment. Just something small”.

Elon Musk Has A Big Cock

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 08/02/2018 - 7:35am in


Business, Comedy, Humor

elon musk car

American-based billionaire Elon Musk has a large penis, it has been confirmed.

Musk quelled any lingering doubts about his appendage size yesterday by firing his red sports car into orbit using a very large rocket.

After previously attempting to prove his credentials by doing hot laps up and down a restaurant-lined street, Mr Musk took the obvious next step of doing hot laps around the earth.

Onlookers were amazed at the sight of the sports car and the mere size of the rocket, exclaiming, ‘Wow, that guy must have a big cock’.


With Glenn Matheson

New ‘Left Handed’ Doritos To Be Launched In US

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 06/02/2018 - 2:14pm in


Food giant PepsiCo has announced it will launch a new range of left and right-handed versions of its popular Doritos snack, in response to consumer demand.

In an interview with Marketing Week, PepsiCo CEO Indra Nooyi said extensive research had revealed that around 12% of the American market was left-handed and currently not catered for in the snack-food category.

“Consumers want a chip that fits their hand snuggly. It’s very awkward for left-handers to eat a Dorito – the pointy end tends to face back towards the hand, rather than away from the hand. Many left-handed consumers, out of desperation, have resorted to eating the chips directly out of the packet with their mouths, like wild animals. Either that or they have to ask a right-hander to feed the snack to them one by one”.

She said those who did attempt to use their left hands were often left feeling embarrassed and ashamed. “We’ve noticed that left-dominant consumers often get their fingers stuck at the bottom of the bag with their weird-arse left hands jammed inside the packet, often for days at a time. Usually they have to ask a right-hander to get them out of trouble. It’s humiliating”.

Nooyi said the new product would provide a more agreeable way for left-handers to enjoy the salted snack. “The bags will have a larger opening at the top, and an easy-to-use diagram showing the eater where to hold the bag and how to hold a chip. The chip itself will be a rounder shape, contoured to the unique shape of a left-hander’s hand. It’s much safer”.

Left-handed Doritos will hit the left side of supermarket aisles next month.

“I Told You The Stock Market Would Fall” Says Expert Who Also Predicted Stock Market Would Rise

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 06/02/2018 - 1:42pm in


Business, Comedy

stock market

A finance expert who predicted the October 2008 global financial crises (and the October 2008 global financial boom) says he has been warning of another major correction and a sustained upturn for months.

The writer of the recent articles “Why the stock market is headed for a fall” and “Settle in for a year of more market growth,” said it was only a matter of time before things went north or south or stayed the same.

“What we saw today is a step-by-step playing out of one of the fourteen different scenarios I said would definitely happen in February 2018,” he said.

Asked if he felt there would be further losses or a share market rally, he said, “Yes”.

Ikea Founder Forced To Walk Through Entire Heaven Before Getting To His Section

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 30/01/2018 - 5:20pm in


Business, Featured

ikea heaven

Ikea Founder Ingvar Kampgrad spent today walking through eighteen different departments and a maze of passageways, just to get to his section of the afterlife.

Kampgrad, who died aged 91 on Monday, was said to be frustrated as he rushed through lighting, soft furnishings, bedroom, kitchen, outdoor settings, and storage solutions, before finally getting to his section of heaven.

Sources say that even though Kampgrad’s section was literally a metre from the entrance way, the only route available was to push through eleven thousand young couples buying bedside tables and forty million families with strollers.

On the plus side, Kampgrad did find a cool ice-cube tray and an outdoor cushion set, which he hadn’t considered when he entered heaven.

His funeral service is currently being assembled.

New ‘Shitcoin’ Currency Allows Investors To Flush Money Directly Down Toilet 

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 30/01/2018 - 4:54pm in


A new cryptocurrency – ‘Shitcoin’ – has hit the market, offering investors an exciting new way to relieve themselves of their money.

Shitcoin spokesperson Jeremy Bourke said getting in on the new trend was easy. “When you take a shit, just pop a a gold coin on top and flush it down. Then stand back and watch it take off!”

He said it was a much more efficient way of losing money than with other cryptocurrencies. “You don’t even need a computer”.

Mr Bourke said thousands of new units were being created every hour, often in multiples, called blockchains. “I think I might be creating a blockchain right now,” he said, excusing himself from the interview.

The value of the currency is not tied to a central bank or institution, but rather the varying level of financial bullshit generated each day.

Vanilla Vegemite To Be Launched To Celebrate Australia Day

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 23/01/2018 - 8:24am in

Following the success of Vegemite 2.0 and Vegemite chocolate it has been announced that vanilla Vegemite will be launched this week to commemorate Australia day. With jars to invade the shelves on Friday January 26th.

“We always have our ear to the ground about what our customers want and this year it was pretty loud and clear that vanilla Vegemite is the go,” said Vegemite’s marketing ambassador Jerry Jar. “Launching on Australia day is also a great opportunity as we feel that vanilla Vegemite really encompasses the vibe of the day.”

“To celebrate the launch we encourage everyone to post their best pics to Instagram of themselves covering their faces in Vegemite, white face if you will.”

As part of the launch several vanilla Vegemite ambassadors have been appointed one of whom is former Prime Minister Tony Abbott who said of the new product: “I am thrilled to see vanilla Vegemite hitting the shelves. A lot of Australians like myself find the sight of traditional Vegemite on the shelves confronting.”

“You could say that January 26th 2018 will be one of the greatest day’s this Nation has had and I look forward to spreading vanilla Vegemite on my white bread.”

Mark Williamson

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Flinders Street Station To Be Replaced By Starbucks Flagship Store

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 21/12/2017 - 10:11am in



flinders street starbucks

Melbourne’s Flinders Street Station will be demolished to make way for an exciting new Starbucks concept store, the Andrews Government announced today.

Premier Andrews said the store would be the coffee chain’s ‘global flagship’ and would be a unique public space for people to meet, create, collaborate and buy American coffee.

“It’s a wonderful opportunity to bolster the creative offerings of Melbourne as well as Starbucks’s bottom line,” he said.

Victorian Tourism Minister John Eren said the store would attract billions of tourists and create 19 new jobs. “It will breathe new life into Melbourne’s CBD,” he said.

Mr Andrews conceded that losing the city’s major train station would be an inconvenience for some, but said it was important for global cities to evolve. “Getting home by train after a day at work is lovely, but have you tried a Starbucks iced mocha choc latte?”

He said despite initial reservations from some people, Melburnians would grow to love their new landmark. “Every city has train stations. But no other city in the world has an American chain coffee shop. It’ll become a drawcard for sure”.