Art by Matt Smith
So now Loki’s stahtin’ tah feel a bit down n’ all since Odin keeps givin’ him shit fah r’all his vahrious fuck-ups. N’ I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t desehrve it on some level since he keeps doin’ shit like givin’ bihrth tah wolves that ahr eventually gonnah eat Odin alive. But you know how Odin is, he isn’t the most laid back guy ’round. I mean, sometimes it’s like he’s got a fuckin’ spee’ah shoved up his ass instead’ah pokin’ outtah his goddamned abdomen like it outtah be.1 So anyway, Loki decides he needs tah blow off some fuckin’ steam n’ so he decides he’s gonnah throw a wild fuckin’ block pahty!
Now the thing is Odin doesn’t approve’ah block pahties happenin’ in Asgard without his express pehrmission. I swear, the guy’s such a fuckin’ control freak! N’ it’s not like I’m some big fuckin’ Loki fan myself, but I can kindah get where he’s comin’ from since Odin doesn’t host jack shit at Valhalla these days ’cept fah r’all those fuckin’ indoohr feasts with the goddamned dead guys.2 But who cahres ’bout that? Those feasts happen evuhry goddamned night n’ no one even shows up anymohr ’cept fahr the dead guys ’emselves since they got no fuckin’ choice.
So anyway, Odin gets wind’ah Loki’s plans fahr this big-ass block pahty n’ so he goes n’ he tells him not tah do it. He’s like, “Asgard’s my fuckin’ domain n’ if yah wannah host a block pahty then yah gottah apply fah r’a fuckin’ pehrmit like evuhryone else, othahwise I’m gonnah have tah come up with some really fuckin’ creepy n’ painful punishment.”
N’ well, this just pisses Loki off since Loki knows Odin chahrges an ahm n’ a leg fahr block pahty pehrmits n’ alsah Odin’s depahtment down at city hall takes, like, fuckin’ fahrevah tah process the applications. So, basic’ly, Loki’s developin’ a real attitude problem with Odin’s authahrity n’ so what he decides tah do is he decides he’s gonnah really fuckin’ stick it tah Odin symbologically by goin’ down tah Middle-Earth n’ throwin’ the wildest fuckin’ toga pahty’ah all time since Zeus is Odin’s rival n’ they fuckin’ hate each othah.3
Now unfohrtunately, the Greek venues ahr all booked up already which is real disappointin’ fahr poohr Loki since he’d heahrd such great things ’bout Delta House4 n’ he figyah’d he’d really get ’long good with those guys since their dean’s a dickhead, too. But next doohr ovah r’at Heorot they got all sohrts’ah room in their schedule n’ alsah they’re pretty cool guys too since they’re all just a bunch’ah fuckin’ Spee’ah-Danes n’ some college hockey playahs who decided they wanted tah pledge Heorot so as tah become fuckin’ Spee’ah-Danes ‘emselves since they like the cold weathah r’n ice n’ shit. Plus as a spohrt, hockey’s just really fuckin’ outtah place in Athens.
So anyway Loki plans his fuckin’ toga pahty with Hrothgar5 n’ then he stahts sendin’ out invitations tah all the gods n’ goddesses n’ lots’ah giants n’ dwahrves n’ elves n’ shit, too. N’ he even goes so fah r’as tah specifically say in all the invitations that Odin is NOT invited. N’ well, Freyja just fuckin’ loves this since she avoids Odin on principle ’cause all he evah does is send her dick pics n’ sometimes he alsah tries tah sell her off tah the highest biddah.
So then the big night finally comes n’ yah got all these fuckin’ Nohrdic deities showin’ up at Heorot fahr Loki’s toga pahty! So Thor rides intah town chantin’ “Toga! Toga! Toga!” ovah r’n ovah r’n ovah r’again on his goat chahriot n’ he gets there at the same time as Hyrokkin ahrrives on her fuckin’ wolf-mobile n’ then pretty soon Frey shows up ridin’ his fuckin’ pig n’ Skadi skies down ’cross the Green Mountains all the way from Quebec n’ even Heimdall ditches his post by the bridge n’ hitches a ride on the back of a Hahley with one’ah the Sons’ah Ivaldi who all ride in from Laconia decked out in gold fuckin’ trinkets on top’ah their togas n’ leathah jackets n’ Freyja just totally gives all those dwahrves a real nasty come-hithah look when she disembahks from her fuckin’ cat-wagon.6
N’ then evuhryone goes on intah Heorot n’ the bee’ah’s fuckin’ flowin’ n’ Mahky Mahk n’ the Funky Bunch is up on stage covah’rin’ all the hits from the ’60s, ’70s, n’ ’80s, n’ all these gods n’ goddesses n’ dwahrves n’ elves n’ giants n’ merpeople n’ Spee’ah-Danes n’ hockey playahs ahr just goin’ fuckin’ wild. N’ all the while, Odin’s just sittin’ up there in Asgard on his supah special throne’ah wisdom n’ sadness, watchin’ his dead guys all kill each othah r’n then get shit-faced fahr the bajillionth night in a row.
N’ so evuhryone at Heorot pahties like it’s 999 since maybe it is, n’ it’s just such a fuckin’ blur’ah intoxicated revelry n’ shit. N’ then eventually people staht noddin’ off n’ the next mohrnin’ all the divine entities who don’t live at Heorot go home, but all the fuckin’ commotion from the night befohr fuckin’ woke Grendel up n’ so now he’s fuckin’ pissed off n’ so then he shows up at Heorot the next night n’ he stahts fuckin’ muhrdahrin’ all the Spee’ah-Danes n’ hockey playahs who actually fuckin’ live there.
So it’s just kindah like, way tah fuckin’ go, Loki.7
1 This is a poetic reference to one of Norse mythology’s most famous incidents: Odin’s successful suicide attempt (sometimes referred to as his self-sacrifice). Odin hung himself from the World Tree, Yggdrasil, and pierced himself with his own spear, which enabled him to learn the mystical wisdom of the runes.
2 These “dead guys” are more commonly known as the einherjar, Odin’s warriors who are brought to Valhalla by the Valkyries.
3 While the rivalry between Odin and Zeus is unattested elsewhere, its existence seems plausible from a scholarly perspective. However, it should be noted that togas have always been traditionally associated with Roman attire rather than Greek. This new information relating to the fashion sensibilities of the ancient Greeks is highly revelatory.
4 Beginning here, it appears that the poet is introducing new mythological nuances influenced by National Lampoon’s classic comedy hit Animal House. This is a fitting evolution for Impudent Eddic theology because National Lampoon sprung from the fertile loins of Harvard Lampoon, which, in a separate creation myth, arose from the life-granting soil of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, which is also Thor’s mother.
5 The king of the Spear-Danes and also, apparently, the president of the Heorot collegiate fraternal brotherhood.
6 Freyja has a well-known history of sleeping with lecherous dwarves in exchange for magnificent jewelry. The most notable example of this is when she acquired the Brisingamen, the most spectacular necklace ever made by mythological dwarves.
7 The suggestion that Loki is responsible for Heorot’s well-documented troubles with Grendel is ground-breaking and will undoubtedly be of critical importance to future studies of Beowulf.