1. Positive Pregnancy Test
The Geriatric Pregnancy Hero is over thirty-five and ready to embark on this adventure. She’s armed with a healthy lifestyle, a jar of Kirkland Signature prenatal multivitamins, and the statistic that older moms are more likely to live longer.
2. Meeting with the Doctor
At this point, the Hero will seek advice from the Doctor. She must learn to master her fear as the Doctor casually lists every way the baby “might be” in danger due to the Hero’s maternal age.
3. Call to Sleep
As she hasn’t revealed her quest to her colleagues, the Hero must battle the Relentless Dragon of Constant Exhaustion alone. Worse, she must do so without the aid of her trusty sword, Caffeine. Luckily, the Hero can use a Talisman of Trickery (lies) to sneak naps in during work hours.
4. Unsolicited Horror Stories About Pregnancy
The Hero is confronted with her most difficult obstacle yet: terrifying stories about tragic births, violent pregnancies, and traumatizing miscarriages shared by every single person she’s ever met.
Why do people do this? The Hero has no idea. But if one more intern asks, “Aren’t you too old to have a baby?” She. Will. Scream.
5. Second Trimester Screening
A grueling trial where the Doctor administers every possible test due to the Hero’s “impossibly old age.” The Hero may encounter high blood pressure. She may combat gestational diabetes. She will face the challenge of not murdering the Doctor for calling her womb “ancient.”
6. Reclaiming Her Power
Late at night, the Hero will center herself by writing angry, anonymous testimonials about the Doctor’s bedside manner on Yelp. Who’s geriatric now??
7. Crying
Is the Hero hungry? Horny? Both? Don’t ask. She doesn’t know.
8. Baby Shower
The Hero must draw upon all of her experiences to survive the most dangerous ordeal yet: a pastel-colored Thunderdome filled with wailing banshees of unsolicited parenting advice, crushing hoards of child-related crap, and close relations asking whether she’s naming the baby after them. No, Aunt Gertrude, the Hero is not.
9. Labor
The pain of labor is nothing to the pain of losing her identity, as every nurse at the hospital is now calling her “Mom.” Does the Hero no longer have a name? And why are they asking whether she’s going to “try for a second” right away? The first one’s not even out yet!
10. The Baby Arrives
Congratulations! Prepare for eternal judgment about breastfeeding.