1. Thirteen-year-olds work unsupervised in ninety-degree heat.
2. The water contains disturbingly high levels of mercury and pee.
3. Strictest workplace safety regulation: NO RUNNING sign.
4. Its leader stars in garish commercials that wake you up at 3 a.m., and his eyes follow you from towering billboards along the interstate.
5. Medical emergencies are handled in the official Monster Energy Refueling Tent.
6. Purchases can only be made using proprietary currencies with unknowable exchange rates pegged to arbitrary reserves, mostly oversized novelty sunglasses.
7. Every single tree was chopped down to make room for another Dippin’ Dots cart.
8. The legal system consists of a dozen private security guards who skim profits from the gift shop and skim bugs from the Lazy River.
9. Strange men are free to ogle young women with no repercussions.
10. The sewage system is made up of thirty-seven porta-potties and one large bush.
11. Lack of food regulations allows the masses to choose between numerous options, like unidentified meat on a stick or meat on a stick that you’d prefer remain unidentified.
12. Zero rules about adults or their children openly smoking cigarettes.
13. Popular flora and fauna include palm trees (on novelty T-shirts) and pigeons (on your lunch).
14. For a certain type of teenage boy, this is the pinnacle of human civilization.
15. The entire operation shuts down after three months.
1–15: Both