To our valued customers,
For decades, we have provided you with top-quality care. Or, when we don’t want to provide you with care, we provide top-quality explanations as to why you aren’t entitled to it.
Customers often express frustration with our company, as these denials take months to process. Today, we are proud to announce a new chapter in our company’s history: an AI health insurance tool that can deny you care instantly. Using the latest in artificial intelligence and machine learning, our path-breaking tool can diagnose your illness, come up with a treatment plan, and then tell you that you don’t deserve the treatment.
Leveraging patented technology, our new tool enables simultaneous communication with doctors and patients. While the software argues with the physician about the merits of emergency heart surgery, the patient can read encouraging messages like “Better luck next time,” “Give us more money,” and “LMAO, can you believe you thought we would cover this?”
This is a watershed moment in the history of health care. It wasn’t long ago that our denials were handwritten and sent via snail mail. Customers had to wait days on end, constantly checking the mailbox to confirm their chemotherapy wouldn’t be covered. Now, they can know right away. It’s breakthroughs like these that make working in health care so special.
AI is all about efficiency. Now we will save money on paper, postage, and actually providing people with health care. This opens up all sorts of exciting investment opportunities, from our CEO’s new yacht to our CEO’s dog’s new yacht.
Every year, our C-suite struggles to explain why we’re doubling your premiums. With AI, we can now just say that the machine told us to do it, and when you ask why, we can send you pages and pages of fake citations and semi-human prose justifying the increase.
I speak for all health insurance executives when I say we have decision fatigue. Do I charge patients more, or charge them a lot more? Do I deny now or wait and deny later? What color Rolls-Royce should I get? Is the gold-trimmed sunroof worth it? What if it doesn’t match my Lamborghini? Now with AI, I can let the computers do the work.
As we design the health insurance of tomorrow, know that patients will always come first. When we deny you care, you’ll be the first to know. When you threaten a lawsuit, you’ll be the first to get hit with a countersuit. When you demand an explanation from the AI tool that’s ruining your life, you’ll be the first to stare into its cold white screen, knowing this faceless void has absolute power over you.
Onward and upward,
Your health insurance provider