McSweeney’s contributor Johanna Gohmann channels the chaos and charm of life with a toddler into All Toddlers Are Scorpios a hilarious astrology guide illustrated by cartoonist (and McSweeney’s contributor) Emily Flake.
We’re thrilled to share an excerpt today from the book’s opening chapter. All Toddlers Are Scorpios is out now and available at your nearest bookseller.
With the fiery planet of Mars as their ruling house, the Aries toddler is known for their high energy and adventurous nature. A bold, fearless child, they can often be found rapidly scaling the nearest Barnes & Noble bookcase or attempting to fit their head into the neighbor’s Dalmatian’s mouth. You, meanwhile, can most often be found struggling to open some Tylenol or cleaning up the hummus the Aries has smeared all over the doorknobs for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
The Aries communication style can be both honest and quite blunt, and parents should be prepared for them to ask why Grandpa’s mouth resembles old hot dogs, or for them to loudly inform the UPS driver that Mommy has been crying because her pants no longer button. The little ram can be extremely self-confident as well as combative, and you should expect to lose many minutes of your life locked in heated arguments over things like why they aren’t allowed to power the lawn mower or cut their own hair.
Creative, impulsive, and a smidge accident-prone, parenting an Aries may mean taking lots of deep, calming breaths, as well as having many uncomfortable conversations with Dr. Bettenmeyer, explaining how your little ram got a Calico Critters coffeepot lodged inside their nasal cavity.
Best Playdate for the Aries Toddler: Libra
As the Libra toddler is also fun-loving and adventure-seeking, they can make for a very amusing companion. A Libra will happily join an Aries in repeatedly kicking over the bubble machine at a sing-along or pretending your night guard is a Chinese throwing star. However, Libras are also known to be a bit more cautious in nature, so when your child suggests rolling down the stairs in the laundry basket, the Libra might offer not to ride but rather to give them a push.
Worst Playdate for the Aries Toddler: Cancer
The fun-loving little ram might find the changeable moods of a Cancer rather confusing and struggle to discern why mere moments ago they were happily engaged in a contest over who could quack the loudest, but now the Cancer is sadly stomping the Little People farmhouse. Meanwhile, the Aries’ blunt manner might upset the sensitive Cancer, and the child may take offense when the Aries smacks them in the face with The Giving Tree.
Best Babysitter for the Aries Toddler: Virgo
A Virgo makes an excellent caregiver for the Aries, as adult Virgos are both patient and protective, thus keeping the Aries entertained and out of harm’s way. The ideal Virgo sitter will be well-rested and relatively fit—someone who can handle a small human clambering up their vertebrae like a fire escape and whose skin can tolerate the harsh scrubbing required to remove facial tattoos etched with a Sharpie.
Best Sibling Match for the Aries Toddler: Leo
Aries and Leo possess a similar high-spirited zest for life, making them an excellent sibling match. These two will feed off each other’s wild ideas, such as throwing wet spaghetti at the ceiling, throwing wet spaghetti at each other’s faces, and just generally testing how the laws of physics apply to overcooked pasta. This enthusiastic pairing is sure to mean a home of laughter and hijinks, as well as one where the parents receive a large weekly wine delivery.
Preferred Music of the Aries Toddler
Anything upbeat and slightly unhinged will bring a grin to the Aries’ Nutella-smeared face. They may especially enjoy “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” (particularly when sung at the most manic speed possible), as well as AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” when played at 200 decibels. Classic rock, dad rock, or really any music they can wildly run around to while throwing actual rocks. They may also make some music of their own, squeezing the life out of their toy accordion and playing many private concerts near Mommy’s head, preferably in the predawn light of morning.
Preferred Snacks of the Aries Toddler
Ideally, this will be something that can be easily consumed while attempting to roll off the hood of Uncle Eric’s Kia (e.g., a GoGosqueeZ, or whatever was in that Burger King cup they just found in the sandbox). The Aries isn’t too fussy about their food, so long as they aren’t chained for a prolonged period of time to the meal prison commonly known as their high chair. Some live to eat; others eat to live—but the Aries eats so that they may get back
Preferred Toys of the Aries Toddler
The little ram loves action and anything in motion. Pull-back race cars, the moving sidewalk at LaGuardia, and the garage door clicker may be counted among their favorite playthings. Mini-trampolines, inflatable punching bags, and the skateboard you keep discreetly rolling under the bed will also be coveted items, as will pencils, umbrellas, and anything with optimal eye-poking potential.
Ideal Pet for the Aries Toddler
The Aries can be rather forgetful, so the best pet will be one that can be fed every other day… or never. As the child is still learning “gentle touch,” their pet should be comfortable being gripped by the neck, chased at high speed, and launched into frigid bathwater. This makes the ideal pet for the Aries toddler to, in fact, be no pet at all… or perhaps a small betta fish kept high on a shelf and admired from a great distance.
Best Play Outing for the Aries Toddler
A playground or park is generally a good option for the active Aries. Just be sure to always have a large tube of Neosporin on hand, as well as several Band-Aids that do not feature the likeness of any cartoon characters they disdain. (They’d sooner bleed out than let you affix Moana to their flesh.) More sedate activities like children’s story hours are not recommended for the Aries toddler, unless you enjoy saying “Shhhhhh, listen” approximately 483 times a minute while an irritated librarian hisses Chicka Chicka Boom Boom in your general direction.
Best Halloween Costume for the Aries Toddler
Aries are often known for their trailblazing ways, so don’t be surprised if your confident little ram eschews the standard Elsa or Elmo garb and thinks a little more outside the box. In fact, that might be exactly what they want to wear: a box… with a pancake as a hat. And then tell everyone they are “a pumpkin bone.” While confusing, it is best to go along with their selection, as all attempts to coax them into anything resembling either a cute insect or fairy will only be met with fury and a set of mangled wire wings from Party City.
Preferred Screen Time of the Aries Toddler
Cartoons that are either fast-paced or slightly bananas will hold great appeal, making anything Minions-related a solid choice. Lovers of slapstick and physical humor, they may also enjoy reels featuring brides falling into swimming pools, children crying on ski lifts, and gender reveals that result in midsize explosions. Were the Aries put in charge of the Hollywood Foreign Press, all Golden Globes would be awarded to the video of Daddy gagging while changing their diaper… though a close runner-up might be the YouTube clip of a Ford F-150 rolling over a large bowl of Jell-O.
Best Reading Material for the Aries Toddler
Getting the Aries toddler to sit still for a story can at times feel on par with asking a badger to do your taxes: it is unlikely to go well and has a high probability of resulting in puncture wounds. But opting for books with absurdist humor might engage the creative Aries, making authors like Seuss and Sendak solid selections. The child may also enjoy flipping through the Bible, though their interest seems less spiritual in nature, and instead lies more in the thin, easily tearable pages. Be forewarned that if left unsupervised, they can completely shred the Old Testament in under two minutes.
Best Birthday Party for the Aries Toddler
The ideal birthday bash will be at an establishment that boasts a ball pit, bouncy castle, and/or trampoline—basically any place that features numerous fun ways to accidentally step on someone’s windpipe, as well as numerous opportunities to contract hand, foot, and mouth disease. There should be as many guests as you can cram into the space, and the Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling” should be played at a volume that makes Daddy quietly book a vasectomy while eating a slice of ice-cream cake.
Preferred Tantrum Style of the Aries Toddler
As one might expect from the theatrical, passionate Aries, their tantrums are likely to be full-bodied and full-throated, bringing numerous stares of reproach from your fellow Whole Foods shoppers. The impulsive Aries may be prone to the raking of things from shelves, as well as the raking of tiny fingernails over your ankles. Should they suddenly fall quiet mid-meltdown, parents should attempt to remove them from the public sphere as quickly as possible, as if removing a small, overalls-clad bomb from the scene. For silence merely means the child is gathering every bit of force and power they can summon from their wee lungs, and they will soon issue forth a wail that will make you rethink all of your life choices leading up to that moment, including dating that trombone player with the goatee in college.
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