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Scotty From Marketing Named Bunnings’ Employee Of The Month

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 12/10/2020 - 8:12am in

Australian Prime Minister Scotty from marketing has been named Bunnings’ Employee of the month. With the Prime Minister telling colleagues that this award is going straight to the pool room.

”The PM is very excited to be bestowed with this honour,” said a Parliamentary Insider. ”He has even picked out a place for the plaque to sit in his office, right next to his self-made award for stopping the boats.”

”Apparently the award also comes with a gift voucher which the PM plans to spend on another DIY project. Maybe a bird bath or who knows some Christmas lights for Kirribilli.”

When reached for comment on his award, the Prime Minister said: ”This is a great example to all Australians that if you have a go, you get a go.”

”I mean look at your old mate ScoMo, I saw Santa on a shark in a Bunnings catalogue and I tweeted about it, next thing I know I’m employee of the month. How good is that!”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to tweet about Engadine Maccas.”

Mark Williamson


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Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos Thanks Australian Government For The Tax Cuts

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 07/10/2020 - 8:09am in

Jeff Bezos, the multi-billionaire owner of online ordering behemoth Amazon, has thanked the Australian Government for including income tax cuts in their 2020 budget.

”Great Government you have down there in Australia,” said Mr Bezos. ”Those income tax cuts will definitely help out Amazon, what with all you Aussies loving to spend up big shopping online.”

”I tell ya if you didn’t have a minimum wage down there I’d almost consider moving my headquarters down under.”

When reached for comment on Mr Bezos’ praise for the budget, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said: ”I thank Jeff for his kind words and say to all Australians that this is an example of someone getting a go for having a go.”

”This is what my Government does, we give opportunities to those people who have a go. Whether it be billionaires or multi-billionaires.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to have a go at Engadine Maccas. That should provide the cleaners with a nice little surplus to deal with.”

Mark Williamson


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EXCLUSIVE: Coronavirus Was Offered $130,000 To Sign Non-Disclosure Agreement, After Being Inside Trump

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 04/10/2020 - 9:21am in


Business, Featured

The Coronavirus was offered $130,000 in hush money to keep quiet about its affair with the President, it has been revealed.

The explosive allegations have been denied by the White House, but leaked exchanges from Trump’s legal team show evidence to the contrary.

“With the election only a month away, it’s essential that we do whatever it takes to keep the details of this affair quiet,” Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani wrote.

It is understood the two had been courting for months.

The virus says it is not proud of its time with Trump, but claims the President ‘pulled out all stops’ to get the two together. “Trump did everything he could to lure me. He took off his mask, he got all close and personal – I couldn’t say no,” COVID said in a statement.

While further details of the agreement remain unknown, a leaked copy of the terms of payment suggest the Coronavirus would receive annual installments of $750 over the course of 15 years.

By Jordan Simon

Farmers Pitching New TV Show ‘Farmer Wants A Serf’ To Help Solve Fruit Picker Shortage

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 02/10/2020 - 8:22am in

Australia’s farmers facing a pandemic led shortage of fruit pickers have approached the TV networks to pitch the show, ‘Farmer Wants A Serf’ with hopes that it will lead to an influx of fruit pickers.

”Desperate times mate, you know with no backpackers to exploit we need to look at other ways to get our fruit picked,” said Yabbie Creek farmer Trevor Gumboot. ”Bloody Aussie kids are too precious to be paid bugger all to pick fruit in the hot sun.”

”The PM didn’t rule out forcing the unemployed to go picking, but he did say he needs to do some polling to see if it was popular.”

When asked why the Farmers didn’t just try paying a decent wage and providing good conditions, Trevor Gumboot said: ”Yeah good one, could you imagine us trying to stand up to Coles and Woolworths and pitch more expensive fruit so people can be paid a livable wage?”

”Worked out great for the dairy farmers didn’t it.”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison was reached for comment but as it was the Friday before a long weekend he was not available.

Mark Williamson


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Murdoch Shocked To Learn Of Trump’s Tax Bill: “$750 Is Extraordinarily High”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 29/09/2020 - 9:00am in

News Corp chief Rupert Murdoch was stunned when he heard about Donald Trump’s $750 tax bill, saying he has not seen a tax payment that high before.

The media tycoon, whose company regularly pays $750 less in tax than Donald Trump, says he was taken aback by the release of the President’s tax returns.

“I was as shocked as anyone when I saw that figure. Seven hundred and fifty dollars. Not $75, not $7.50. Seven, five, zero – in tax!”

Mr Murdoch said the news had shaken his confidence in the President’s abilities as a businessman. “What it shows is a fairly careless approach to tax accounting – to let that much go to the IRS. Who are the people advising the president, and how were they unable to find a way to write off such a large amount of taxable income? I think Americans have a right to know”

Westpac To Pay $1.3 Billion Money Laundering Fine Using Unmarked 100 dollar Notes

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 24/09/2020 - 4:51pm in

Westpac chief Peter King has asked regulators if it would be ok to settle their impending $1.3 billion fine for money laundering and child exploitation with a half dozen briefcases filled with $100 notes.

A spokesperson for the bank said they were willing to cooperate with the regulator’s demands, and were looking to get this all cleared up as soon as possible.

“Jimmy from accounts can get this all sorted out very quickly. Meet us at the bus stop near Martin Place at 9pm tomorrow night. No weapons”.

The spokesperson – who ‘works in construction’ – told regulators the notes would be untraceable. “They’re clean mate. Everything’s there. This is the quickest way to get the cash to you”.

Westpac has also announced it will phase out the ‘briefcase of unmarked bills’ option on its ATMs next year, due to ‘changing consumer expectations’.

Government Announces Plans To Mine Clive Palmer For Gas

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 23/09/2020 - 7:34am in

Clive Palmer with Jeff in happier times.

Energy Minister Angus Taylor has today announced that the Federal Government plans to go all in on gas, with plans to start mining eccentric Queensland billionaire Clive Palmer.

”The Morrison Government is firmly committed to gas,” said a spokesman for Minister Taylor. ”So, it makes sense that we will target the largest source of gas that we know, and that clearly is Clive.”

”I think over the last couple of elections Australia has seen that Clive definitely does expel a lot of gas.”

When asked why the Government was focusing on obtaining gas from Clive Palmer, rather than seeking a more renewable source, the spokesperson said: ”Clive’s gas was enough to help us across the line at the last election, and will hopefully help the LNP across the line in the upcoming Queensland election.”

”What better way to make Australia great again than by spreading Clive Palmer’s gas all over the country?”

Mark Williamson


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Alex Belfield Defending Boris to Attack BBC

Alex Belfield is an internet radio host and Youtuber. He’s a ragin Conservative, and so a large number of his videos are attacks on left-wing broadcasters and critics of the government, like Owen Jones, James O’Brien and Piers Morgan. He has also attacked Sadiq Khan, immigration, especially the asylum-seekers floating over on flimsy craft from Calais, and the recent moves to expand diversity in broadcasting. This includes Diversity’s dance routine about Black Lives Matter the Saturday before last on Britain’s Got Talent. Another frequent target of his attacks in the BBC, and at the weekend he decided to join the Conservative papers trying to get sympathy for Boris Johnson.

According to an article in Saturday’s Times, BoJob has been whining about how hard it is for him on £150,000. Not only has he been through a messy divorce, but he’s also trying to support four of his six children. I thought he himself didn’t know how many children he had. And how is it he’s only supporting four, not all of them? The article claims he’s overburdened – which is also strange. I’ve put up a piece on Russian gulag slang terms which could describe him. One of them is mankirovant, which means ‘shirker’. Because he seems to be off on his hols whenever it suits, unlike other Prime Ministers. Unlike other PMs, he also dodges working at weekends and turning up at Cobra meetings. He has, apparently, taken a cut in income and, oh, the hardship!, has to buy his own food.

Mike has put up a piece in which he, and the folks on Twitter, tear into our clown PM and give him all the sympathy he deserves: which is precisely zero. They point out that Boris’ salary is still five times more than the median wage and that people on ESA are, if they’re over 25, on less £4,000 a year. By any standard, Boris is still filthy rich.


Belfield crawled out from under whichever Tory rock he hides under to try and defend Boris. Ah, but he has to pay all the expenses required of him now that he is prime minister. Mike points out that he has a fair few those paid by the state. His current residence, No. 10, is provided by the state gratis. Also, Boris wanted the job. This isn’t like the Roman Empire, where the rich were forced to perform ‘liturgy’. This was a list held by the local authorities of everyone, who could afford to do some kind of public service to the state. This went from acting as a kind of clerk recording and filing people’s tax returns, to membership of the ordo or local council. If you were saddled with that, it meant that you had to make whatever shortfall there was between public expenditure and tax revenue up out of your own money. The pagan Roman emperors used it as one of the punishments they inflicted on Christians, apart from torturing them to death in the arena. Neither the Queen, Duke of Edinburgh, Sadiq Khan or anyone else suddenly leapt upon Boris and dragged him off to be prime minister. No-one forced him to start plotting to be head of the Tory party. He wasn’t corrupted by Cassius, as Brutus was in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. And neither Cameron or Gove, the two Boris betrayed, were Julius Caesar. Although both of them, like Boris, thought they should ‘bestride the earth like a colossus’.

Boris chose the job himself. But people on ESA and low incomes don’t choose them. They’ve had them foisted upon them by exploitative employers and a government determined to make ordinary, working people an impoverished, cowed, an easily disposable workforce.

As for the expense of having a nanny and providing for his children, well, the Tories, as Mike and his peeps have pointed out, stopped child benefit after two sprogs. The argument from the right for a long time has been that people should only have children they can afford to support. Not bad advice, actually. But it has led to the Tories and New Labour demonising those they consider as bad parents. Like Gordon Brown ranting about how ‘feckless’ they were. In the words of the old adage, ‘if you can’t feed ’em, don’t breed ’em’. But this was all right when applied to the hoi polloi. But when it hits the upper classes, somehow we’re expected to cry tears over them.

Belfield also tried defending Boris by pointing out that his salary was much less than those in many industries, including entertainment and television. And then, almost predictably, he started attacking the Beeb for the inflated pay it awards presenters like Gary Linaker. Linaker’s another of Belfield’s bete noirs. Linaker has made various left-wing remarks on Twitter and has said he’ll take into his house some of the asylum seekers coming across from France. Which has sent Tories like Belfield into a fearful bate, as Molesworth used to sa.

Now the pay earned by prime ministers is lower than many of those in industry. It always has been. I can remember under Thatcher or Major there were various Tory MPs whining about how much they earned. They demanded more, much more, to boost their pay up to that of private businessmen and senior managers. The argument was that they should be paid this money, as otherwise talented professionals would go into business instead, where their talents would be properly remunerated.

It’s another argument that didn’t go down well, not least because however poorly MPs are paid, they’re still paid far more than ordinary peeps. And for a long time they weren’t paid. Payment of MPs was a 19th century reform. Indeed, it was one of the six demanded by the Chartists. Many of the Conservatives responded by giving the money to charity. I think part of the reason politicians’ pay has remained comparatively low for so long is the ethos of public service. You are meant to want to enter politics because you are serious about serving your country and its great people. You are not meant to do so because you see it as a lucrative source of income. It’s an attitude that comes ultimately from the Stoic philosophers of the ancient world and Christian theologians like St. Augustine. It became the ethos of the public schools in the 19th century through the reforms of Arnold Bennet at Rugby. Boris therefore deserves no sympathy on that score.

Now I actually do agree with Belfield that some presenters at the Beeb are grossly overpaid. But it’s not just presenters. Private Eye has run story after story in their media section reporting how production staff and the ordinary journos in the news department, who actually do the hard work of putting programmes and news reports together, have been the victims of mass sackings and cut budgerts. At the same time, executive pay has increased and the number of managers with various non-jobs have proliferated. There is, apparently, someone presiding over a department with title ‘Just Do It!’ These departments are entangled and seem to overlap, much like the Nazi administrative system. Yes, I know, another gratuitous example of Godwin’s Law. But sometimes you just can’t help yourself.

The problem is, it’s not just the Beeb. They’re just following in the tracks of business elsewhere. Here ordinary workers have been massively laid off, forced to take pay cuts and freezes, while senior executives have seen their pay bloated astronomically. The Beeb is no different from them.

And watch carefully: Belfield isn’t telling you how much leading journos and broadcasters are paid elsewhere. Like in the media empire belonging to a certain R. Murdoch, now resident in America.

The argument used by presenters like John Humphries, for example, is that they are paid what they are worth. The argument goes that if the Beeb doesn’t pay them what they want, they can go and take their talent elsewhere, and the Beeb’s competitors will. Or at least, that’s how I understand it.

But you aren’t being told how much the presenters over at Sky are on. Or indeed, what kind of pay Murdoch and his senior staff at News International trouser. And you won’t, because that could be more than a mite embarrassing. Especially as Murdoch’s British operation is registered offshore in order to avoid paying British corporation tax.

But Murdoch, and Belfield are attacking the Beeb because the Tories hate the idea of state broadcasting and its mandated ethos of impartiality. Mind you, the rampant shilling by the Corporation on behalf of the Tories and their savage, flagrantly biased attacks on Jeremy Corbyn and Labour showed that they don’t too. The Tories have also been taking Murdoch’s coin in corporate donations. From Thatcher onwards, right-wing governments – and that includes New Labour – signed a Faustian pact with Murdoch. They gave him larger and larger shares of British media and allowed him to dictate policy, in return for which Murdoch gave them publicity in his sordid empire of ordure.

That’s the real reason Belfield’s attacking the BBC.

Murdoch wants to get rid of state-funded competition and step in himself as the major broadcaster. And if he does so, you can expect nothing except propaganda and lies, which will we keep you poor and the elite even more obscenely rich.

Just like Boris Johnson and the Tories, despite his moans of poverty.

Hanson Livid At Australia Post’s Refusal To Deliver One Nation Branded Syringes To Housing Commission Residents

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/09/2020 - 7:58am in



One Nation leader Pauline Hanson is reportedly livid at Australia post after they refused to deliver a shipment of One Nation branded syringes to residents of a Melbourne housing commission estate.

”How dare Australia post refuse to deliver my merchandise to those who need it,” said Senator Hanson. ”I bet they wouldn’t hesitate to deliver LIberal branded silver spoons or Bill Shorten commemorative knives.”

”But of course they can’t deliver One Nation branded syringes. Malcolm Roberts spent hours putting our stickers on those syringes.”

When asked if it was appropriate to be sending syringes to strangers, Senator Hanson said: ”Well, if I can’t send syringes what am I meant to send, bananas?”

”Some people are allergic to them you know, no one is allergic to a syringe.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to score some smack for the residents to go with their syringes.”

Mark Williamson


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Star Casino To Roll Out Financial Education Program In NSW Schools

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 19/08/2020 - 8:17am in

Star Casino

NSW Premier Gladys “Baccarat” Berejiklian has contracted the Star Casino to develop and deploy a financial education program for NSW schools. The move comes after reports surfaced of the Star Casino allowing underage people in to gamble.

“It’s a no-brainer for this government,” stated Gladys after losing the NSW Health budget on a face card double down. “The Star has proven how effective they are at educating our young Australians.”

It’s believed that the recent spate of under-age patrons at the state’s iconic gambling institution lead the government to green-light the Star as a preferred provider.

In a statement issued by the casino, they mentioned that young people were an “important target market” of theirs and they were keen to help shape the financial decisions of tomorrow’s gambler.

Last month the NSW Government announced a fine for the venue after they breached covid restrictions. It’s believed that Gladys personally visited the Pyrmont location to retrieve the sum, which she promptly “let ride” on roulette.

GK Kidd


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