Sydney Coke Dealer Not Actually That Worried By Welfare Drug Test Plans

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 18/09/2019 - 8:09am in


In a stunning rebuke to the idea that the Coalition’s proposal of drug testing welfare recipients might reduce use of drugs, a Sydney cocaine dealer The (un)Australian just happened to run into on Saturday night was actually not that worried about the impact on his business.

“What they’re talking about that again are they?”, asked the known supplier of overpriced cheap speed and washing powder with a smattering of actual cocaine from his usual spot at a trendy inner-city nightspot whose entry fee would break the budget of a Newstart recipient.

“Yeah not sure that really affects me hey,” he offered, before ducking off to the gents again.

Determined to drill down on the issue, on his return we asked him if he was sure he had no unemployed customers, causing the dealer to think for a bit before responding: “Ah well Lachlan, he buys from me every weekend, I don’t think he really does much but I think that’s a trust fund thing hey?”

Determined to cover all the potential issues of the proposal from the man who appeared to have a serious bladder condition, on his return from the gents again we asked if he was in any way worried by Senator Jacquie Lambie’s response that politicians should be subjected to drug testing, prompting a long and loud burst of manic laughter.

“Nah mate, don’t think they’ll be doing that hey.”

However, when we pointed out Prime Minister Scott Morrison has expressed support for the idea, the coke slinger went suddenly as pale as his product: “You’re serious? That could finish me hey.”

After a long period of desolate silence, he looked up and said: “How much did you say Newstart was again?”

Carlo Sands

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Local Coke Dealers Resent Cross Fit Gyms Taking Away Their Clients

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 12/08/2019 - 8:08am in


Science, Cocaine


Local Cocaine dealers are up in arms after a number of their usual clients have turned their backs on them in favour of joining a cross fit gym.

“Ah look mate it’s just not right you know,” said a dealer from Sydney’s Eastern suburbs. “I work hard you know, I cater to these people 24/7 whether it’s late on a Friday night in Bondi and the boys want some nose candy. Or Saturday arvo at Randwick when a bit of a bump makes a day at the races tolerable.”

“All this and they just dump me for some flavour of the month workout program, where’s the loyalty?”

When asked how much of a hit cross fit gyms have had on the industry the Dealer said: “Mate it’s not good, the Eastern suburbs are almost all off the gear and on this bloody cross fit. I’ve had to head on over to the Inner West to try and sell some of my excess merch to the hipsters.”

“Tell them it’s the only pure 100% renewable, vegan party drug.”

Police have put out a warning to the general public not to approach a Cross fitter. Unless they are prepared to endure an grueling hour long lecture on how cross fit and keto had totally transformed their lives.

Mark Williamson

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Australia’s Coke Dealers Call For A Bail Out Package Following The Implementation Of The Election Advertising Blackout

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 16/05/2019 - 8:30am in


Australia’s coke dealers have called on which ever party wins Saturday’s election to put together a bail out package for the struggling industry following the implementation of the election advertising blackout.

“Mate last week everything was gravy, old mate Palmer was spending millions on advertising and thanks to the wonders of trickle down economics that money was coming straight to us,” said an Industry Spokesperson. “Then all of a sudden to the gravy train stops. All our money is now going offshore to Facebook and Instagram.”

“Why should this election benefit overseas coke dealers instead of us hard working local coke dealers.”

When asked what he hoped the major parties would do for the struggling cocaine industry the Spokesperson replied: “Well for starters let’s hope Clive Palmer gets into parliament. That would be good for us and maybe less One Nation candidates as it’s clear they are on something but it ain’t cocaine.”

“My guess after listening to Malcolm Roberts it might be a dodgy batch of MDMA, mushrooms or maybe bath salts.”

“Oh and more fashion weeks and race meets, they are great for business.”

Mark Williamson

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