Comedy

Angus Taylor Says Fact He Owns 2,000 Hairdressing Salons Is Total Coincidence 

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 25/03/2020 - 8:11pm in

Tags 

the nation, Comedy

Energy Minister Angus Taylor says there is absolutely no connection between his portfolio of 2,000 hairdressing salons and the government’s decision to very specifically allow hairdressers to remain open during the COVID-19 crisis.

Taylor
said he and the directors of his hairdressing chain ‘30-Minute Haircut’ had no
idea the government was planning to exempt hairdressers.

“If you read the cabinet meeting minutes that I doctored, you’ll see that I wasn’t even a part of the decision-making process,” he said.

Mr Taylor said his hairdressers provided a valuable service to the community, and would continue to operate as long as they were able. His other businesses ’10-Person Bootcamp’ and ‘Weddings For 5’ would also remain open.

Worrals of the WAAF – Captain W.E. John’s Flying Heroine for Girls

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 24/03/2020 - 4:45am in

Captain W.E. Johns, illustrated by Matt Kindt, Worrals of the WAAF (London: Indie Books 2013).

Captain W.E. Johns, illustrated by Matt Kindt, Worrals Carries on (London: Indie Books 2013).

Captain W.E. Johns, illustrated by Matt Kindt, Worrals Flies Again (London: Indie Books 2013).

Captain W.E. Johns was the creator of that great British hero, ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth, an RAF fighter ace, who with his friends Algy and Ginger foiled the evil designs of the German menace in a series of tales set in the First and Second World Wars. They’re classics of British children’s literature. They appeal mostly, but by no means exclusively to boys – they’re have been plenty of female readers. Even though they’re now somewhat passe, they’re influence on British popular culture is still noticeable. In the 1980s there was an attempt to translate the character into film with an SF twist. Johns’ hero was still a World War II airman, but was sent into the present day by time warp. The character was so much a staple of British literature, that he was lampooned, I believe, by Punch’s Alan Coren in his short story, ‘Biggles Strikes Camp’. More recently, the square-jawed space pilot, ‘Ace’ Rimmer, the heroic alter ego of the cowardly, egotistical and sneering Rimmer in TV’s Red Dwarf, seems to be something of a mixture of Biggles and that other great British hero, Dan Dare, the pilot of the future.

But during the Second World War, Johns was also determined to thrill and inspire girls with a similar figure for them. And so he wrote a series of three books about Joan Worralson, ‘Worrals’, and her friend Frecks. They were pilots in the WAAF, the Women’s Auxiliary Air Force, which was set up to deliver aircraft to the RAF. Although not combat pilots, Worrals and Flecks soon found themselves actively fighting the Nazi menace in Britain, and then France. The books were republished in 2013 by Indie Books. There’s also some connection there with the RAF Museum, as that institution has its logo proudly printed on the back cover.

I found them in a recent catalogue for Postscript, a mail order firm specialising in bargain books. They were there, alongside serious histories of women in aviation and the WAAF. I liked the ‘Biggles’ books when I was a schoolboy, and decided to order them to see what his female counterpart was like. A decision helped by the fact that they were £2.95 each. They came shortly before the shutdown last week. I haven’t read them yet, but will probably give them a full review when I do. In the meantime, here’s the blurbs for them:

1: Worrals of the WAAF

Britain: 1940

Joan Worralson – Worrals to her many friends – is ferrying a replacement aircraft to a RAF fighter station when she is plunged into combat with a mysterious plane.

Later, she and her friend Frecks investigate what that plane was up to – and fall into a nest of spies.

With their own airfield the target for destruction, the two girls will need every ounce opf skill and daring to save the day.

2: Worrals Carries On

Britain: 1941

While Britain reels from nightly air attacks, Worrals and Frecks are stuck in the routine of delivering new planes to the RAF – until a chance discovery put them on the trail of a Nazi spy.

The hunt leads them to London at the height of the Blitz and even into occupied France. Cut could it be that the traitor is right in their midst? And ready to hand them over to the Gestapo?

3: Worrals Flies Again

1941: Occupied France

British agents are risking their lives behind enemy lines. But how to get that vital information back home?

MI6 need a pilot who speaks French like a native and with the courage to take on an operation so crazy that it might just work. A job for Worrals.

But when she and Frecks fly to the isolated French castle that is to be their base, they discover that nothing is what it seems – and the Gestapo have got there first.

Like other professions and employers, the RAF is trying to diversify its ranks and recruit more women and people of BAME backgrounds. This was shown very clearly a few months ago on the One Show, in a section where pilot and former Countdown numbers person, Carol Vorderman, herself a pilot, talked about the winners of a competition by the Air Cadets  and the RAF to find their best and most promising members. There were three, two of whom were girls, while the third was a Black lad. As a reward, they were given a tour of the vast American factory where they were building the new high performance jets that were due to come into service over this side of the Pond, and talk to some of the American Air Forces pilots. These included a young woman, who was so thrilled with flying these machines that she told them she couldn’t believe she got paid for doing it. There was also a little subtext informing the viewer that young women could still fly these deadly war machines without sacrificing their femininity. One of the girl cadets was a blogger, who specialised in makeup and beauty. And there’s also a more general drive within aviation to recruit more women as pilots, for example in civil, passenger flight.

There have clearly been for a long time women interested in flight and careers in the armed forces. I don’t know how many girls were encouraged to join the WAAF or take to the air by reading Worrals – I suspect they more likely to be influenced by the ‘Biggles’ stories. There was also an attempt to launch a comic strip which featured a group of female pilots fighting for Britain in the WAAF or RAF in the girls’ comics. This was mentioned in the excellent short BBC documentary series, Comics Britannia. However, the strip didn’t prove popular with female readers and was closed down. The comic asked them what they’d rather read instead, and they said, ‘a good cry’. This resulted in a series of strips of unrelenting misery in their comics, including ‘Child Slaves of War Orphan Farm’. I think stories about heroic female pilots sticking it to the Nazis would have been far healthier, but the girls of the time obviously didn’t want it. I don’t know if the books would have any greater success now, when writers are trying to create strong role models for girls in fiction.

I haven’t read them yet – they’re on my ‘to read’ list, along with many others. But I intend to read them eventually. I’m interested in finding out what they’re like, and how they stand up to today’s changed ideas about gender roles. And more importantly, whether they’re any fun. I look forward to finding out.

And my mother wants to read them afterwards. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scott Morrison Defined As Non-Essential Service 

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 23/03/2020 - 8:21am in

Scott Morrison is not critical to the nation’s response to COVID-19, it has been confirmed.

As state premiers moved
to take the lead in defining Australia’s response, there was some confusion
about what was considered essential.

But a statement
released this morning confirmed the Prime Minister was not on the list of
national-critical services.

“Obviously things like pharmacies and petrol stations are on the list, but less useful things like Scott Morrison are not,” the statement read.

“He’s a bit like a
music concert or a pokies lounge – a lot of colour and movement, but not really
critical in the fight against COVID-19.

“While we recognise some people have become used to seeing the Prime Minister each day, the truth is we can probably shut him down without too much disruption”.

A small favour to ask: It’s expensive having journalists stationed across the country, breaking the important stories of the day. So it’s lucky we don’t do that. But creating all of this relentless comedy does take time, and unfortunately you can’t pay for groceries with Facebook likes (we tried, it was awkward). So if you enjoyed this article, you might consider donating to The Shovel. It costs as little as $3 a month – about the cost of a cheap coffee, or a sheet of toilet paper on the black market. Click here.

Cartoon: Mock Movie Poster for ‘The Stainless Steel Rat’

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 19/03/2020 - 6:49am in

Here’s something that I hope will cheer you all up, or at least the SF fans among you. It’s another of my cartoons, though this time it’s not satire, but a mock movie poster for one of my favourite SF novels, The Stainless Steel Rat by Harry Harrison. Harrison was a serious SF writer. One of his novels was Make Room, Make Room!, which was filmed in the 1970s as the dystopian thriller Soylent Green with Charlton Heston. However, he’s probably best known for his series of humorous SF novels, beginning with the Stainless Steel Rat, about the galactic archcriminal, Slippery Jim DiGriz. They’re set in the far future, when humanity has spread across the Galaxy, and living conditions, society and psychology/ social services have all advanced so that crime is all but unknown. All but. Slippery Jim, the ‘Stainless Steel Rat’ of the title, is a career criminal who does it simply for the joy of outwitting the authorities. The interstellar police, however, eventually catch up with him, and he’s forcibly recruited into their ranks. And he’s shocked to find that they’re all former criminals. His boss, Inskip, was a notorious thief who robbed a spaceliner in mid-flight. It’s done on the principle of ‘set a thief to catch a thief’. And his first assignment is to capture a stunningly beautiful woman, who’s murdering her way across space. Spoilers: he finally catches her, she’s given psychiatric treatment to rehabilitate her, she’s also recruited by the space rozzers. Di Griz marries her, and the two then become a team, whose adventures are then told in the succeeding books as they, and their sons with them, travel across the universe solving crimes, overthrowing dictators and stopping wars with alien races.

I was wondering who I’d cast as the heroes, and have as director and the scriptwriter adapting it for cinema. The text on the cartoon shows who I decided upon. It reads

A Terry Gilliam film. From the book by Harry Harrison. Adapted by Douglas Adams.

Jacqueline Pearce David Tennant Don Warrington.

It’s definitely fantasy, because Adams and Pearce have sadly passed away, as has Harrison himself. Tennant would be the Stainless Steel Rat, Pearce, who you will remember was Servalan in the epic Blake’s 7, would be the murderess, Angelina, and Don Warrington would be the police chief, Inskip. Yes, I am thinking of his character in Death in Paradise, so it would be a bit of type casting. But he has done humorous SF before. He appeared in an episode of Red Dwarf in the ’90s as one of the members of a spaceship crew of Holograms, all of whom had massive intellects and egos to match. His character appeared on board Red Dwarf and promptly started making sneering remarks about Kryten and Lister. Kryten was described as nearly burnt out, while he described Lister as some kind of subhuman creature, that could in time perhaps be taught some tricks. Until Lister parodied him with a mock report of his own, in which he informed him that he had a sturdy holowhip in the ship’s armoury and was going to use it on his backside pronto if he didn’t leave. At which point Warrington’s arrogant spaceman vanished. And with a threat like that hanging over him, who could blame him?

Here’s the cartoon. I hope you like it and it give you a chuckle in these grim times and keep your chin up! The Coronavirus won’t last forever.

Marrickville Coles Totally Out Of Typewriters And Vintage Suitcases, As Panic Buying Continues

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 18/03/2020 - 11:41am in

Tags 

Comedy, Featured

Stores in Sydney’s inner west and Melbourne’s inner north are experiencing a shortage of essentials including vintage suitcases, ukuleles and VHS tapes, as panic buying continues across the country.

In one store in Fitzroy the pennyfarthing aisle had been shopped bare. “It’s been pretty crazy here to be honest,” store owner Herbert Ingles said. “We’re totally out of ironic tote bags and we’re even running low on gramophones now. It’s ridiculous,” he said.

He said his store had done 7 week’s worth of small-batch boutique bourbon kit sales in just one day.

“My message to everyone is to just be calm – there are enough hand-crafted leather aprons for everyone”.

Archibald Reece, a storeowner in Marrickville, said they wouldn’t have more Casio calculator watches in stock for at least 14 days. His store has implemented a limit of one cassette tape per customer policy until further notice. “All I’d say is, think about those vulnerable people in your community who need a bespoke cobbler tool set more than you do”.

Cartoon: Carry on Apprentice

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 15/03/2020 - 5:01am in

Hi, and welcome to another of my cartoons. This is one is a little bit different. I’ve decided to lighten the mood a little bit, and so it’s a bit of a break from satirising the Tory party and its monstrous denizens. This time it’s a mock movie poster for a ‘Carry On’ film of the Beeb’s The Apprentice. It’s because I noticed a certain physical similarity between Alan Sugar and Nick Hewer with Sid James and Kenneth Williams. And I have to say I’d rather watch Joan Sims than Tory shill Karen Brady.

So here it is. The slogan reads ‘There’s no decorum in the boardroom of Alan Nookie PLC’. I’ve also written a number of fake quotes for it like those that appear on movie posters. They are

‘Good rollicking fun’ – The Sun

‘Sheer sexist filth’ – Everyone born after 1980

‘Waugh! Waugh!’ – the late Side James.

I don’t think you could revive the ‘Carry On’ films today, as society has moved on so much from their heyday in the ’60s and ’70s’. The last film, Carry On Columbus, released in 1992 during 50th celebrations of Columbus’ discovery of America, was a flop despite having a cast that included Maureen Lipman, Julian Clary and Alexei Sayle. However, some of that style of humour would still be acceptable. Some of the visual gags in the Austin Powers movies, for example, owe something to the Carry On films and I can’t see some of the other gags causing offence, either. Like the cry of Kenneth Williams’ Julius Caesar in Carry On Cleo as he’s assassinated ‘Infamy! Infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!’ And then there’s that sequence in Carry On Screaming when Harry H. Corbet’s detective and his sidekick, played by Peter Butterworth, try working out on blackboard what the clues mean.

‘Right – is it fair play, or foul?’ asks Corbet.

‘Oh, foul, Inspector’. Corbet writes ‘foul’ on the blackboard.

‘Right, what makes us think it was foul?’

‘The footprints.’

‘Feet, right’. He writes ‘Feet’ on the board. ‘Anything else?’

‘The smell, Inspector’.

‘The smell!’ He write ‘smell on the blackboard.

‘What else?’

‘They saw something, something horrible’.

‘Something horrible’, he writes this on the board.

Corbet stands back. He asks, ‘And so, looking at the board, what have we got?’

Butterworth reads out ‘Foul feet smell something horrible’.

Okay, it’s schoolboy humour, but I still find it funny. And unlike the attitudes in the movies to sex and women, which are very ’70s, that kind of humour and punning could still be included in movies today without causing offence. Possibly also the double entendres. Julian Clary and others have said that they enjoyed the camp humour of radio shows like Round the Horne, which are similar to those of the Carry On films in that regard. This would require far more care, though.

Anyway, I hope this gives you a laugh. And don’t let the Tories give you nightmares.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peter Dutton Ordered To Self-Isolate On Manus Island For Next 5-8 Years

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 13/03/2020 - 9:06pm in

Saying it was the best way to ensure he didn’t contaminate the Australian population any further, authorities have ordered Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton to spend the next 5-8 years in isolation on Manus Island.

A
health department spokesperson said he realised it was an inconvenience for Mr
Dutton, but assured him that Australia’s processes were very efficient.

“This
is actually a very quick and humane process and Mr Dutton can expect to be
reunited with his family in 2025, maybe even later”.

The spokesperson said Mr Dutton would be free to move around the island. “I’m sure there will be plenty to keep him entertained over the next few years”.

Asked
whether Mr Dutton would be allowed to be transferred temporarily to Australia
for medical treatment if required, the spokesperson said ‘no’. “That would set
an unrealistic precedent of compassion”.

Local Introvert Prepares For Coronavirus By Self-Isolating For Last 20 Years

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 13/03/2020 - 8:59am in

Sydney man Kyle McKenzie says he has been preparing for the COVID-19 epidemic since 2001, cleverly avoiding crowds and public places so as not to come into contact with people who might carry the virus or start a conversation.

McKenzie said that he had closely followed official advice, avoiding all public interactions. “I’ve been pretty disciplined in avoiding mass gatherings. I’ve also avoided small gatherings, just to be sure,” he said.

He said that if he saw someone he knew out in public, he’d do the right thing and walk in the opposite direction. “A minimum two-metre buffer zone is what is recommended. I’m just following advice”.

McKenzie said that, unlike a lot of people, he took self-isolation seriously. “A person I know invited me to a house party, but I passed, saying the risk of the spread of virus was too great. That was in 2016”.

Condolences Flow In, After Fans Learn Tom Hanks Was On The Gold Coast

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 12/03/2020 - 4:40pm in

Tags 

Comedy, Featured

Fans around the world have sent their thoughts and prayers to Tom Hanks, after it was revealed the actor and his wife were on the Gold Coast.

In an Instagram post today, the Castaway star revealed the sad news, saying he hadn’t realised quite how bad it was.

“We’ve been feeling quite nauseous. I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, wondering what on earth I was doing here. A little bit of a chill ran down our spines when we went to Surfer’s Paradise. But I think we can get through this. It’s just one day at a time right now”.

Fans were shocked to hear the news and were quick to send their condolences. “Sending you all our love and prayers,” Sarah Randle from California wrote. “I’m so sorry this has happened to you,” another fan from Australia wrote. “Stay strong,” wrote another.

The
couple have now been isolated from the Gold Coast for their own wellbeing.

Man Who Has Runny Nose And Fucking Hates His Job Pretty Sure He Has Coronavirus 

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 11/03/2020 - 8:32am in

Tags 

Comedy

A Melbourne man who woke up with a bit of a sniffle and an ongoing hatred of his job, feels he should probably self-isolate for the next two weeks just to be safe.

Saying
he didn’t want to put others at risk by going into the office that he fucking
hates, Hugh Peterson made the selfless decision to stay at home to watch
Netflix for the next 14 days.

“When
I woke up this morning I just knew I couldn’t go into work. I had a bit of a
runny nose too,” Peterson said.

“It’s not going to be easy. But the last thing I’d want to do is to expose this potential virus to the bunch of arseholes who I work with. It would be unfair on them,” he said.

Peterson resisted the urge to work from home while he was ill, saying it was incumbent on him to rest up and get better as soon as possible.

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