Comedy

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Mate who owns Bitcoin reckons he’ll be able to retire by age 85

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 13/05/2022 - 12:16pm in

A friend who got into crypto a few months back reckons he’ll be able to quit his dayjob and retire before he’s 100, maybe later.

Reece Robertson, 28, took out a loan to buy $20k worth of Bitcoin in November after listening to a podcast which promised crypto would totally change the way he thinks about wealth creation. “And it totally has. I’ve never lost so much so quickly before. Who would’ve thought turning real money into imaginary coins could go wrong?”

Robertson said he researched a lot before getting into the market. “I watched this video called ‘How crypto can massively transform your retirement plans’ and it’s totally true. I planned to retire by 60, but now that I’m into crypto, that number’s out by at least 25 years”.

He said he had taken a diversified investment strategy. “I’m not an idiot – I’m not just invested in Bitcoin. I’ve put $10k into Ethereum and another $5k into Dogecoin cos Elon Musk told me too. So I’ve played it pretty safe”.

Morrison says minimum wage shouldn’t rise given entry-level cleaners already on $550k

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 12/05/2022 - 9:30am in

The PM has rejected calls for a 5.1% increase to minimum wages, arguing that getting half a mil for pushing a mop around a basketball court for three minutes is already a pretty good deal.

“Some people are getting paid a hell of a lot of money to perform basic tasks. I know a hairdresser who’s on six figures, and he’s just the junior washing hair. God knows what the actual cut and colour people are getting,” Morrison said.

“There was another guy I knew who worked part time as a water boy for a rugby league team and he was on over $500k. And I know a welder who’s on six figures and he hasn’t even done basic training. So this idea that unskilled workers need a pay hike is probably a bit silly. I think they’re doing ok”.

Mr Morrison is paid $549,500 per year to be Prime Minister, which works out at about $275,000 an hour.

Fiona Martin apologises to Penny Wong for Tu Le mix up

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 11/05/2022 - 4:26pm in

Liberal Party MP Fiona Martin has addressed an embarrassing gaffe during a radio interview, in which she mixed up her Labor opponent Sally Sitou with other Asian Australian Tu Le. Martin said it was merely a slip of the tongue and confirmed she had called Penny Wong immediately after the interview to apologise.

“Things got a little heated in the 2GB interview with Penny earlier today, and at one point I did mistakenly suggest she had been a candidate in Fowler,” Martin said.

“Penny left as soon as the interview had finished so I didn’t get a chance to apologise in person, but I did give her a call later and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about”.

Martin is fighting to hold the Western Sydney electorate of Reid, which according to Martin has a large Asian population of at least three different people.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has defended his MP, saying he himself only knew of the Labor candidate due to her appearance on season six of MasterChef.

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Channel 7 leaders’ debate to be hosted by Ben Roberts-Smith

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 11/05/2022 - 3:15pm in

Saying they didn’t want the final leaders’ debate to deteriorate into a circus, Channel 7 has confirmed that tonight’s face-off between Scott Morrison and Anthony Albanese will be compered by former soldier and Channel 7 executive Ben Roberts-Smith.

Following criticism of last week’s Channel Nine debate, Seven executives said they wanted to present an orderly, respectable show and believed Roberts-Smith was the man for the job.

“Of all the people I know who have posed for a photograph with the prosthetic leg of a dead man, Ben has the best screen presence,” said Channel 7 boss Kerry Stokes, who provides financial support for Roberts-Smith.

Under the format for the debate, which will be based on the ex-soldier’s defamation trial, Roberts-Smith will ask each leader a question and then they will inadvertently reveal the details of an alleged war crime he was involved with. “Or he might ask them a question about the technology sector and then casually mention that he regularly sets his laptops on fire to remove evidence,” a spokesperson said.  

Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he welcomed the format, noting it would be good to have the focus on someone else’s crimes for once.

Roberts-Smith was contacted for comment but did not answer any of his phones.

Alan Tudge found alive

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/05/2022 - 2:58pm in

Police have thanked volunteers and rescue workers after former Education Minister Alan Tudge was found alive and breathing this morning. He has been missing since February this year.

Tudge was said to be barely coherent and unable to answer basic questions, but otherwise appeared to be physically sound. Locals in the electorate of Aston have been searching for signs of Mr Tudge for months, but without success.

While pleased that Tudge, 51, has been found, medical professionals say they are concerned for the MP’s health. “He doesn’t seem to know what his job is. He wasn’t able to recall basic facts. He doesn’t even remember why taxpayers have been forced to pay $500,000 to a former staffer who alleges he harassed her. We’re worried it’s amnesia,” one doctor said. A second doctor said a basic check of vital signs also revealed Tudge had no sense of responsibility.

A Government spokesperson confirmed that a sense of responsibility was not necessary for working on the front bench.

Journalist tests Albanese’s commitment to women by asking him to name every woman in Australia

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 10:56am in

Following the announcement of a range of new measures designed to help women, Labor leader Anthony Albanese has been asked to prove how committed his party actually is to the issue by naming Australia’s female population in alphabetical order.  

As the Opposition Leader floundered, several journalists questioned how serious the party was about its policy of closing the gender pay gap if its leader couldn’t even name the people it was designed to benefit.

“You can’t name them, can you Mr Albanese?” one journalist shouted. “It’s a very simple question. It’s your own policy and you can’t name the people it will affect. Extraordinary”.

As Albanese struggled to bat away the barrage of questions, an aide handed him a copy of the electorate roll, which he began to read out. “Well, you’ve got Aaliyah Aabe, and Abby Aackroyd, and then there’s …”

“You’re reading from notes!” a journalist shouted. “You don’t even know your own policy!”

Albanese later apologised for the gaffe.

In a radio interview, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he could name every woman in Australia, reciting off the top of his head the name of his wife Jenny and his three girls.

Morrison announces new plan to restrict inflation by relentlessly talking over top of it

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 8:54am in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

The Coalition will restrict any future inflation by shouting at prices until they no longer have the will to live anymore.

The policy – announced by Mr Morrison at the second leader’s debate during the middle of an answer by Anthony Albanese – will involve the Prime Minister simply shouting “NO!” and “I REJECT THAT!” every time a price thinks about rising.

“It’s very simple,” Mr Morrison said while the Labor leader was outlining a policy about cost of living pressures. “When we see that prices might be going up we’ll interject and simply won’t allow the price to do anything at all”.

A panelist began to ask a question about the detail of the policy but was unable to finish.

On the economy, Morrison promised his Government would deliver three years of constantly interrupted growth.

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Child has tray of muesli and milk to spill all over your bed

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 08/05/2022 - 1:46am in

The only thing better than having your young children wake you up with overcooked eggs on cold toast with a cup of tea to spill over your bed, is them not doing that, the nation’s mothers have confirmed.

“I do love awkwardly balancing a tray full of messy food items and hot liquids on my knees while pretending to enjoy myself for the benefit of my kids who are jumping up and down on the mattress next to me. But there is just one thing I love more – having a bowl of cereal while seated at a table,” Melbourne Mum Lucy Tanner said.

Perth mother of two Sarah Chan said eating lying down – while a potential choking hazard – is a great way to start the morning. “I do look forward to being able to prop myself up uncomfortably on a pillow while I accidentally spread butter onto my new sheets while counting down the minutes until it is socially acceptable to say I really need to go to the toilet. But if I’m being totally honest, there’s something I look forward to even more, and that’s going out for breakfast,” she said.

Featured electorate: MONCRIEFF (QLD)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/05/2022 - 2:13pm in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

Location: The Gold Coast

Held by: Angie Bell (Liberal National Party)

Margin: 15.4% (very safe)

Situated on the Gold Coast, Moncrieff was briefly thought to be the global epicentre of the COVID-19 pandemic when scientists noticed that every single resident had absolutely no sense of taste. It was later revealed that they’d just spent time in Surfer’s Paradise.

Local member Angie Bell worked as a professional musician for 35 years. She then decided she’d had enough of contributing to the Arts sector and joined the Coalition so she could help destroy it instead. 

Bell’s only notable moment in Parliament was when she gave a passionate 7-minute speech on the wrong bill – one that had been voted on weeks before. She is confident of winning the upcoming 1996 election.

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“But interest rates were 17% in my day!” complains man who bought house for $67,000

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/05/2022 - 1:33pm in

A 63 year old man who bought his first inner-city four-bedroom house for under $70k in the 1980s says young people complaining about interest rate rises don’t know how good they’ve got it.

“Back then we had to save up for weeks, just to get enough for a deposit!” John Bradly from the eastern Melbourne suburb of Camberwell said.

“And then, once we had our house, my generation didn’t have anyone helping us to pay off the mortgage. It was just us and our salaries, which were only about one fifth of the value of the average home back then!

“It took my more than seven years to pay off my first house. Seven years! I was practically in my thirties by the time I was debt free. Can you imagine? Being beholden to a bank for your entire twenties! I’m pretty sure no-one in their twenties these days has to go through that”.

Bradly said young people simply didn’t know what hard worked looked like. “Try managing tenants across eleven investment properties scattered around Melbourne and Sydney during a global pandemic. That’s what hard work is!”

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