Comedy

Angus Taylor Says He Knows For Certain Naomi Wolf Was At Oxford In 1991 Because He Had A Medical Condition Which Meant He Couldn’t Sweat 

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 05/12/2019 - 3:26pm in

angus taylor satire

Embattled energy minister Angus Taylor says he knows for certain writer Naomi Wolf was at Oxford in 1991 because he suffered from a rare condition at the time which meant he couldn’t sweat.

Wolf has denied the claim in Taylor’s maiden speech which inferred she had waged a ‘war on Christmas’ at Oxford. But the Coalition minister has stood by his words, saying he had the documents to prove his claims.

“As is made clear from the documents I provided the media last week, there is no way I could have profited from the sale of a $79 million water licence, because Sydney Lord Mayor Clover Moore was at Oxford in 1991, illegally clearing grasslands and Christmas trees,” Taylor told parliament today.

“I know this, because I was at a Pizza Express in Woking, which was a very unusual thing for me to be doing”.

We’ve got Christmas cards for sale

Desperate Tories Now Using Smear Manuals against Labour and Lib Dems

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 05/12/2019 - 4:15am in

I love the smell of Tory fear in the morning! You can tell how desperate the party of Thatcher and Johnson are when they’re reduced to lies and smears. Not that they were above them anyway, but now they seem to be rapidly abandoning any attempt at fair play. Mike reports that an article in today’s Groaniad reveals that the Tory party is equipping its doorstep campaigners with special dossiers they are to use against their opponents. There’s a 17 page one for Labour, and a 19 page one for the Liberal Democrats. These manuals contain such fictional statements that Labour’s immigration policy would open the door to 840,000 migrants a year, and that the Lib Dems are trying to push sex work as an appropriate career for schoolchildren and policies that are pro-pimp.

Mike comments that people seem to believe some of this nonsense, but that it isn’t putting them off voting Labour. Someone had tweeted him personally that in spite of Labour’s ‘open door policy on immigration’, they were still going to vote for the party. As this person was doing the right thing, Mike didn’t correct them.

See: https://voxpoliticalonline.com/2019/12/03/not-sporting-not-working-tories-are-using-manuals-to-smear-rivals-but-they-arent-changing-minds/

Okay, the accusation that Labour is in favour of open door immigration and this country being swamped with non-White immigrants has been a staple of the right and the far right since forever and a day. It’s one of the constant lines – or lies – repeated by newspapers like the Heil, for example. The other stereotypical smear against Labour, and one which Private Eye has parodied mercilessly in the past, is that a Labour government will bring mortgage prices down. I haven’t seen jokes about that line recently in the magazine, perhaps because if the Heil actually did run, the exorbitant house prices at the moment would mean that Labour’s vote would actually go up.

But the accusation that the Lib Dems are promoting pimping and prostitution is a new one. I think it comes from a conference the Lib Dems held a year or so ago, which was about improve conditions for sex workers. One of the talks was about taking the stigma out of it. But the Lib Dems don’t seem to pushing pro-pimp policies or encouraging schoolgirls to get jobs as prostitutes.

But it does seem more than a tad hypocritical on the part of the Tories as they are and have been.

Way back in the 1980s, when Maggie Thatcher that was unchaining the power of private industry, one industry that a certain section of her minions definitely wanted unchained from state prohibition was prostitution. There was a certain section within the Tory party, as I recall, that wanted it legalised. I think they used the same arguments for it that have been around ever since the late 17th century-early 18th century economist Bernard Mandeville put them forward. Mandeville was an early advocate of free trade against the prevailing mercantilism, in which the state rigidly regulated trade between nations and colonies. Mandeville wanted publicly funded brothels. These, he argued, would allow the men, who used prostitutes to satisfy their lusts legally, while protecting decent women from their attentions. I think the Lib Dems, who set up the conference also had a feminist angle. They seem to have felt that if prostitution was legalised, it could be properly regulated to keep the prostitutes themselves safe. I think the models for such legislation are the continent and Australia. I’m sceptical that these arguments actually work in practice. But the main point here is that the Lib Dems haven’t necessarily promoted anything that the Tories weren’t debating nearly forty years ago.

But the Tories are forcing people into prostitution.

It is by and large the last refuge of the poor and desperate, women and men who can’t make ends meet any other way. Under Thatcher there was a series of scandals in which Tory politicos were caught using rent boys. So much so that there was a sketch on Spitting Image in which a Tory politician, explaining what his government has done to the nation, declares that it has opened lots of work for young men to a lad. When the lad asks what work it is, the Tory replies that it is as a rent boy, and he’ll see him later.

More recently, there were reports a few years ago about female students turning to prostitution in order to pay the tuition fees that New Labour introduced, but the Tories and Lib Dems increased.

And let’s not forget another incident, in which a Jobcentre had to apologise for suggesting that work in sex shops was a suitable occupation for women wishing to get off the dole.

I don’t know, but it really wouldn’t surprise me if there had been an increase in prostitution in general as women were forced to turn to it simply to keep body and soul together through the poverty Tory welfare cuts, wage freezes and zero hours contracts have caused.

The Lib Dems may not have been actively promoting prostitution with their conference, but the Tories have also openly advocated it and their policies are pushing vulnerable women into it through the poverty they’re creating.

Satirist Would Cast Stuffed Animal to Play Boris Johnson

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/12/2019 - 6:35am in

Here’s a funny story from yesterday’s I to provide some light relief, though it’s still about our comedy prime minister. And yes, I know it’s ad hominem, but it’s still funny. According to the article ‘PM could be played by stuffed animal’ by Alex Green, the satirist Armando Iannucci declared that he would make this casting choice at the British Independent Film Awards. Most of the article was really about the decision to cast Dev Patel as the hero in Iannucci’s colour-blind version of Dickens’ novel, The Personal History of David Copperfield. Iannucci said that he made the casting decision as a statement of Britishness, which ‘is open and generous and eccentric and funny, rather than closed and isolationist and withdrawn, which is the language we are hearing at the moment in certain other quarters.’

But of our comedy Prime Minister, the writer and creator of comedies like The Thick Of It, The Day Today and The Death of Stalin said, according to the newspaper, ‘I would probably use…stuffed animals. The smaller the better. The animal that shits the most.” This precisely shows how much Johnson is esteemed by the creator of those TV series and film. And as Johnson continues to show how inept, greedy and treacherous he really is, so more people are going to agree with Iannucci.

542 Signs You May Be A Perfectionist

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 03/12/2019 - 8:57pm in

Tags 

Comedy, Featured

  1. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  2. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  3. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
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  5. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
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  72. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  73. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  74. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  75. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  76. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  77. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
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  79. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  80. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  81. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
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  83. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
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  91. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  92. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  93. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
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  200. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  201. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
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  222. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  223. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  224. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  225. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
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  241. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  242. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  243. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  244. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  245. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  246. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  247. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  248. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  249. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  250. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  251. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  252. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  253. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  254. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  255. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  256. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  257. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  258. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  259. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  260. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  261. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  262. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  263. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  264. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  265. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  266. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  267. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  268. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  269. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  270. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  271. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  272. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  273. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  274. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  275. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  276. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  277. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  278. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  279. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  280. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  281. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  282. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  283. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  284. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  285. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  286. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  287. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  288. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  289. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  290. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  291. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  292. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  293. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  294. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  295. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  296. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  297. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  298. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  299. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  300. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  301. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  302. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  303. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  304. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  305. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  306. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  307. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  308. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  309. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  310. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  311. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  312. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  313. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  314. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  315. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  316. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  317. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  318. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  319. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  320. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  321. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  322. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  323. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  324. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  325. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  326. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  327. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  328. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  329. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  330. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  331. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  332. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  333. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  334. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  335. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  336. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  337. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  338. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  339. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  340. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  341. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  342. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  343. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  344. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  345. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  346. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  347. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  348. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  349. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  350. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  351. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  352. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  353. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  354. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  355. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  356. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  357. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  358. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  359. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  360. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  361. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  362. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  363. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  364. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  365. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  366. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  367. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  368. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  369. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  370. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  371. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  372. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  373. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  374. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  375. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  376. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  377. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  378. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  379. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  380. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  381. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  382. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  383. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  384. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  385. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  386. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  387. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  388. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  389. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  390. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  391. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  392. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  393. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  394. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  395. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  396. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  397. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  398. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  399. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  400. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  401. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  402. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  403. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  404. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  405. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  406. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  407. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  408. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  409. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  410. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  411. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  412. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  413. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  414. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  415. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  416. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  417. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  418. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  419. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  420. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  421. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  422. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  423. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  424. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  425. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  426. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  427. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  428. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  429. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  430. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  431. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  432. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  433. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  434. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  435. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  436. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  437. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  438. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  439. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  440. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  441. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  442. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  443. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  444. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  445. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  446. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  447. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  448. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  449. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  450. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  451. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  452. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  453. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  454. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  455. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  456. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  457. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  458. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  459. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  460. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  461. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  462. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  463. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  464. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  465. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  466. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  467. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  468. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  469. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  470. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  471. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  472. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  473. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  474. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  475. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  476. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  477. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  478. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  479. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  480. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  481. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  482. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  483. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  484. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  485. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  486. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  487. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  488. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  489. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  490. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  491. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  492. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  493. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  494. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  495. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  496. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  497. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  498. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  499. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  500. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  501. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  502. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  503. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  504. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  505. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  506. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  507. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  508. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  509. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  510. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  511. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  512. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  513. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  514. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  515. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  516. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  517. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  518. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  519. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  520. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  521. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  522. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  523. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  524. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  525. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  526. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  527. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  528. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  529. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  530. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  531. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  532. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  533. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  534. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  535. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  536. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  537. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  538. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  539. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  540. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference
  541. You read every individual line to see if they are all the same or if one has a very small difference

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Rural MP George Christensen Says He Went To A Manila Strip Club 28 Times To Help Break The Drought

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 03/12/2019 - 1:42pm in

National’s MP George Christensen has defended his right to spend as many as 300 days at a strip club in Manila, claiming it was the only way he was ever going to be able to break the ongoing drought.  

Christensen
travelled to Manila twenty-eight separate times over a four-year period, ending
what some claim may have been a lifelong stretch without rain.

Christensen said he was merely doing what was best for his electorate and the elected member. “The best way to get a sense of the issues facing the electorate of Dawson – and specifically George Christensen – is from a titty bar in the Phillipines,” Christensen said.

A devout Christian who has for years promoted traditional family values, Christensen said he always looked to the Bible for advice. “I think it’s the Gospel of St Luke that says ‘Love thy neighbour as thyself, and be sure to visit the strip club Ponytails at least seven times a year, or more if someone else is paying”.

______________________________________________________________________________

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Nation Rushes To Get Counselling After Imagining George Christensen In A Strip Club 

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 03/12/2019 - 8:48am in

Tags 

the nation, Comedy

George Christensen

Millions of Australians have asked for psychological assistance after being presented with the mental image of the member for Dawson getting a lap dance at a Manila strip club.

Counselling services say they are struggling to keep up with call volumes, and many emergency departments are at capacity too, after a huge spike in nausea complaints.

Mental health expert Jessica Renillo
said people needed to take care of themselves today. “Having a picture in your
head of George Christensen is bad enough. But then when you start thinking
about what his face might have looked like when he was eying off naked women,
or what he might have been doing with his hands, it gets pretty rough. I would
recommend taking the rest of the week off”.

Sydney woman Taylor Freeman said it would be a long and slow recovery. “The news report said there was no suggestion George Christensen paid for sex. But do they really have to use the words George Christensen and sex in the same sentence?”

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Private Eye’s Demolition of Cameron’s Book about His Government

Way back at the beginning of October, our former comedy Prime Minister, David Cameron, decided to give us all the benefit of his view of his time in No. 10 with the publication of his book, For The Record by William Collins. The review of it in Private Eye was not kind. Reading it, it appears that Cameron was deeply concerned to present a rosy, highly optimistic view of his years as Prime Minister. His was a government that gave Britain prosperity and growth, and had improved conditions in the NHS. The current, wretched economic and political situation is all due to everyone else, not him. It’s entirely false, as the Eye’s review made abundantly clear, citing Cameron’s book again and again as it he tries to claim success in tackling an issue, only to show the present grim reality and how Johnson actually made it all worse with Brexit.

The review, titled ‘Shed tears’, in the magazine’s issue for 4th – 17th October, runs

John Wilkes Booth’s assassination of Abraham Lincoln at a Washington theatre inspired the quip: “Apart from that, Mrs, Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?” David Cameron’s autobiography leaves the reader asking: “Apart from Brexit, Mr Cameron, how did you enjoy being prime minister?”

“I liked it,” he declares, and so should we. At 800 pages, this account of his generally tedious career – apart from Brexit – is only 200 pages shorter than Churchill’s Second World War memoirs. Indeed, Dave may have originally matched Winston, for the Mail reported his publishers cut 100,000 words from the manuscript.

The verbose special pleading William Collins so sadistically allowed to survive tries to anesthetise readers into accepting that – apart from Brexit – they should applaud his playing at being prime minister too.

When Cameron stood for leader of the Conservative Party in 2005, he recalls, “Everyone said that I was too young. That I had no ministerial experience.” Instead of worrying that a gentleman amateur would lead the country to perdition, we should have rejoiced. “However new and inexperienced” he was, young Cameron saw himself “inheriting the mantle of great leaders like Peel, Disraeli, Salisbury and Baldwin.”

In 2010, with the world in crisis, he followed his illustrious predecessors and produced one of the “most stable and I would argue, most successful governments anywhere in Europe”. That Brexit has subsequently produced a paralysed parliament, culture war without end in England, the highest support for Welsh independence ever recorded, a revitalised Scottish National Party and a clear and present danger to the peace in Ireland must be someone else’s fault.

Only Ukraine is a less stable European country now. Not that Cameron can admit it. The Brexit referendum was “a sore confronted”, he says, as if he were a doctor who had healed wounds rather than a quack who had opened them. His greatest regret is for himself, not his country. “I lament my political career ending so fast,” he sighs. Brexit ensured that he went from private citizen to national leader to private citizen again in 15 years. “I was a former prime minister and a retired MP at the age of 49.”

He shouldn’t despair. His work experience on the British now completed, Cameron could be ready to hold down a real job should one come his way.

As for his supposed successes, in his own terms he would have a point – were it not for Brexit. “When I became prime minister my central task was turn the economy around,” he says. Now the British Chambers of Commerce reports that companies are living through the longest decline in investment in 17 years. He left Downing Street in 2016 “with the economy growing faster than any other in the G7”, Cameron continues, showing that whatever else he learnt at Eton, it wasn’t humility. The UK is now bottom of the G7 growth table, while the governor of the Bank of England is warning a crash out could shrink GDP by 5.5 per cent.

By the time Brexit forced his resignation, “hospital infections, mixed-sex wards and year-long waits for operations were off the front pages.” In the very week his book appeared, patients were preparing as best they could for a no deal Brexit cutting off drug supplies, while NHS trusts were wondering what would happen to the 8 percent of health and social care staff they recruit from the EU.

“It was clear to me that reasserting Britain’s global status would be one of our biggest missions in government,” Cameron says of the premiership, while failing to add that the Britain he left was both a warning and laughing stock to the rest of the world.

Regrets? Come off it. “One of the core ideas of my politics,” Cameron tells those readers who survive the long march through his pages,m “is that our best days are ahead of us and not behind us, I don’t think Brexit should alter it.” The bloody fool does not realise his best days are behind him  and he (and the rest of us) have nothing to show for them – apart from Brexit.

It’s not the comprehensive demolition that Cameron’s mendacious book deserves. It hasn’t just been Brexit that’s caused mass poverty, starvation, despair and misery to Britain. It was the policies he and his government both inherited from New Labour, and ramped up and added a few of their own. He continued the Thatcherite policy of the destruction of the welfare state and the privatisation of the NHS, as well as the wage freeze and pushing zero-hours and short term contracts. As well as allowing firms to make their workers nominally self-employed, so they don’t have to give them things like sick pay, holidays or maternity leave. Thanks to his policies, as continued by Tweezer and then Boris, a quarter of a million people have to rely on food banks for their daily bread, 14 million people are in poverty and an estimated number of 130,000 people have died after being found ‘fit for work’ by the DWP.

As for the tone of lofty self-assurance with which Cameron makes his assertions, that can only come from someone, who has enjoyed immense privilege throughout his life, and never suffered uncertainty due to the advantages bestowed by his background. He got a job at Buckingham Palace, remember, because they actually rang him up and asked for him. Thatcher’s former Personal Private Secretary, Matthew Parris, in his book Great Parliamentary Scandals observes that MPs, contrary to received wisdom, are not polished all rounders. Rather they are more likely to be the lonely boy at school. They have huge, but fragile egos due to the respect the public gives them tempered with the humiliation they receive at the hands of the whips and the awareness of how little power they really have. All the decisions are made by the Prime Minister. Parris’ own career as a cabinet minister came to a sharp end when he sent a rude reply to a letter sent to the former Prime Minister. Clearly, Cameron himself has never suffered, or appears not to have, from any kind of personal or professional uncertainty. He’s always been supremely confident in his own ability, choices and decisions. It’s this arrogance that has caused so much suffering to the country and its working people. But he certainly hasn’t suffered the consequences. Instead of trying to do something about the mess he created with Brexit, he left it for others to do so. And we’re still grappling with that problem nearly four years later.

Cameron’s was the start of a series of Tory governments that have actually left this country far worse than Tony Blair’s administration. Blair was determined to sell off the NHS, but he kept it well funded and he had some success in tackling poverty. It was the Tories who massively expanded the use of food banks instead of giving the disabled, unemployed and poor the state support they needed.

Cameron’s book is therefore one mass of self-delusion and lies. As have all the statements about how well the country is doing from his successors. Don’t vote for them. Vote for Corbyn instead.

 

Under 9’s Fast Bowler Shortens Run-Up To Just 140 Metres

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 01/12/2019 - 9:22pm in

Tags 

Sport, Comedy, humour

under 9s cricket

Eight year-old express bowler Jai Matthews has confirmed his next delivery will be off a short run of just 140 metres.

The 126cm quick usually bowls off a 170 metre run-up, but decided to mix things up with a surprise delivery off just 427 paces.

Describing Matthews as a ‘weapon’, captain Jackson Hunt said the two had discussed the tactic before the game. “There’s certainly an element of surprise when the batsman only has 211 seconds to prepare for the delivery”. Hunt said it would also help the team lift their over rate above the normal 5 overs per-hour standard

Matthews practised the run up several times to make sure he would be exhausted by the time he delivered the ball.

At the time of publication he was part-way through the delivery.

Update: the ball was called a wide. 

This article first appeared in The 2019 Shovel Annual

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Tory NHS Lies Now Too Much for Private Eye

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 29/11/2019 - 8:55pm in

The colossal lies put out by the Tory party about building new hospitals, recruiting new nurses, and expanding the number of GP appointments have been ripped to shreds by leftwing bloggers and news and comment sites like Mike’s, Zelo Street and many, many others. And it seems Private Eye now shares that highly critical views. On page 7 of their latest edition for 29th November to 12th December 2019 there’s this little article, ‘Tory Story’. It runs

It’s hard to rank the Conservative’s NHS pledges in order of ridiculousness.

“40 new hospitals”, but only six existing refurbs named and costed; 50,000 new nurses – when 19,000 of them are already employed by the NHS which is already 40,000 nurses short; or 50m more GP appointments when the number of GPs has fallen despite a previous failed pledge to recruit another 5,000. But dwarfing all of these is the absurd pledge that no one will have to sell their house to fund social care, with nothing in their manifesto to explain how.

In other words, the last is yet another empty Tory election promise that they’ve no intention of keeping. This seems to be a bit of a volte face on the part of Eye’s editor, Ian Hislop. I can remember him making a sarcastic comment about Labour’s opposition to people having to pay for their social care on I Have I Got News For You. Possibly something changed in the meantime, and one of Hislop’s relatives is now having to face the possibility of selling their home to pay for it.

Either way, it shows that people are realising that the Tories’ lies about improving the NHS are just that – lies. While they privatise it.

Westpac Asks If It’s Ok To Pay Fine With Briefcase Of Unmarked Bills

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 29/11/2019 - 9:51am in

Outgoing Westpac chief Brian Hartzer has asked regulators if it would be ok to settle their impending fine for money laundering with a half dozen briefcases filled with $100 notes.

A spokesperson for the bank said they
were willing to cooperate with the regulator’s demands, and were looking to get
this all cleared up as soon as possible.

“Jimmy from accounts can get this all
sorted out very quickly. Meet us at the bus stop near Martin Place at 9pm
tomorrow night. No weapons”.

The spokesperson – who ‘works in construction’ – told regulators the notes would be untraceable. “They’re clean mate. Everything’s there. This is the quickest way to get the cash to you”.

Westpac has also announced it will phase out the ‘briefcase of unmarked bills’ option on its ATMs next year, due to ‘changing consumer expectations’.

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