Comedy

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“The British pound is nosediving. Here’s why Meghan Markle is to blame,” by The Daily Mail

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 30/09/2022 - 11:25am in

Two weeks ago Meghan Markle landed in London for the Queen’s funeral. Nine days later, the pound crashed to its lowest ever level, sending financial markets into meltdown. Coincidence? Hardly.

Some have blamed Liz Truss’s tax cuts. But what’s the more likely cause of a currency meltdown – a huge, unexpected injection of extra cash into the economy during a time of out-of-control inflation, or an entitled mix-raced film star holding hands with her husband? That’s a rhetorical question.

When it comes to pinpointing the causes of the pound’s fall, two things become immediately clear: one, Meghan didn’t show nearly enough emotion in the days leading up to the Queen’s funeral; two, she showed way too much during the funeral itself. No wonder financial markets were confused.

The pure arrogance of the woman. Not content with trying to Americanise the British monarchy, she has tried to Americanise our currency – almost at parity, the two are barely distinguishable from each other now. That will be Meghan’s legacy.

And yet people want to blame the actions of our new Prime Minister – a white woman just trying to do her job. Sure, trickle-down economics may have been the cause of entrenched poverty, increased inequality and the rapid disintegration of essential public services, but at least it didn’t wear an ugly hat to the funeral of a British monarch.

One can only hope that, with Meghan now safely out of the country again, the pound will rebound. If it does, it will be because Kate Middleton knows how to hold herself in public.

Written by James Schloeffel, Headline idea by @PersiaPhotos

Optus employee Gladys Berejiklian will be giving daily updates on hacking numbers

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 28/09/2022 - 9:56am in

Optus employee Gladys Berejiklian will begin a daily update on the company’s latest hacking numbers, including a new data point that measures how fucked the company is on a scale of 1-10.

In an attempt to provide clarity on who has been affected by the data breach, Berejiklian will read out the names, addresses, phone numbers and passport numbers of customers who have been hacked, as part of the daily press conference.

In her first briefing, the former NSW Premier advised all Optus executives to do what they can to avoid exposure to the scandal by curling up into a small ball and not leaving the house.

Hackers give up trying to get ransom from Optus after waiting on hold for 3 hours

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 27/09/2022 - 12:24pm in

The hackers who have been trying to negotiate a $1 million payment from Optus have thrown it in, after spending more than three hours listening to an excruciating synth-inspired on-hold track on loop.

In a message posted on a chat forum, the alleged hacker wrote, “Can’t cope with this on-hold track anymore. Going fucking bananas. Will not sale data to anyone. Ransom not paid but we dont care anymore. Want life back”.

The hacker later describes being pinballed between various unrelated departments before being put on hold again. “Asked to speak to someone about ransom payment. Was transferred through to NBN technical support instead. Fucking nightmare”.

The hacker said they were later accidentally disconnected, before being placed in a new queue. “Eventually spoke to someone. Didnt have authority to pay ransom but did upsell me to unlimited data plan”.

Sources at Optus say the last-minute decision to remove the ‘To negotiate a ransom, press 4’ option on its call system was a masterstroke.

Optus advises customers to change their password, name, date of birth, gender … after data breach

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 23/09/2022 - 4:17pm in

Australia’s second largest telco has responded to a massive data breach, advising customers to update their password, move house, change names and take on a new identity.

“We’re hopeful that this cyber attack won’t amount to anything, but to be on the safe side we do suggest anyone who has been an Optus customer since 2017 change their name, gender, address and birthday,” Optus CEO Kelly Bayer Rosmarin said in a video message.

She advised to follow the normal identity protocols when updating details. “We suggest you choose a name and gender that you haven’t used in the past 12 months. Your new name should be at least eight characters long and include at least one number and upper-case letter”.

Labor vows to plant a tree for every new coal mine it approves this year

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 08/09/2022 - 10:40am in

Saying it was emblematic of a new, stronger commitment to environmental policy in this country, Anthony Albanese today announced that his government would plant one tree for every new coal mine that is opened or expanded in 2022.

“That means as many as 27 new trees will be planted in Queensland and New South Wales, creating greener spaces for Australians to live, work and play. What a gift to leave future generations,” he told a media conference today.

The PM said the new policy showed how committed the Labor government was to a cleaner, greener environment. “Australians have been crying out for a stronger focus on climate change, and this is just the start. Once this policy is extended into 2023 and beyond, we could have literally hundreds of new trees across the country”.

Shaq to deliver 2022 Federal Budget, Albanese confirms

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 29/08/2022 - 10:28am in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

Shaquille ‘Shaq’ O’Neal will call on nineteen years of experience in the NBA to develop Australia’s spending and taxation plans for the 2023/24 fiscal year, the Prime Minister has confirmed.

Announcing the coup today, Anthony Albanese said as a black American athlete, Shaq was uniquely placed to develop the economic plans that will underpin Australia’s future prosperity.

“Shaquille is one of the game’s all time great centres, so I think it goes without saying he has what it takes to formulate fiscal policy,” Albanese said.

Asked if it would be more appropriate to have an Australian delivering the nations’ budget, Albanese said he was yet to meet an Australian who has an NBA field goal accuracy of 0.582. “When you’re having to make complex decisions about health and education funding, when you need to decide what to put in the forward estimates, it helps to have played against the likes of Jordan and Bryant,” he said.

Treasurer Jim Chalmers said, while disappointed, he understood the decision. “I’ve held a range of roles in Treasury and have a PhD in political science, but I haven’t won four NBA championships, an MVP award or an Olympic gold medal, so I can see why I won’t be doing the budget”.

New rapid test detects if you currently hold a federal government ministry

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 16/08/2022 - 3:56pm in

In response to reports that it is now possible to hold a senior government ministry without being aware of it, a pharmaceutical company has developed a new rapid test that can detect whether you have a cabinet ministry, with a 90% degree of accuracy.

Similar to a COVID rapid antigen test, the Rapid Ministry Test (RMT) produces one line if you are ministry free, or two lines if you hold a $370k-a-year position in a Westminster government system.

Pharmacist John Deluco says the new tests will go a long way in reducing uncertainty. “It is common for people to walk around in the community without even realising they are currently responsible for the finances of a $2.5 trillion economy. Just today I was talking to a guy who was responsible for the Home Affairs department and had absolutely no idea. It’s unbelievable!”

Deluco recommends testing regularly to detect the development of new ministerial positions. “They can occur at any time. With this simple test you’ll know whether you’re part of the federal cabinet or not”.

Researches have warned that it is possible to be carrying several ministries at once. “We previously thought it was only possible to have one ministry at a time, but we’re seeing cases now with three, four, even five ministries simultaneously”.

If you do test positive for a government ministry it is important to refrain from any work or strenuous activity for at least two years.

The Shovel’s view on the Donald Trump FBI raid

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 10/08/2022 - 12:44pm in

We are certainly no fans of Donald Trump – let’s make that clear from the outset. But yesterday’s raid by the FBI on the home of a former president sets a dangerous precedent.

A precedent which now means that anyone who evades taxes, attempts to undermine an election, sexually assaults women, manipulates the value of their assets, uses state resources to enrich themselves or aids and abets the overthrow of a democratically elected government will be subject to investigation.

Is that the world we want to live in? Where anyone accused of insurrection can be subject to questioning from law enforcement officers?

It’s a slippery slope. Before we know it, regular citizens accused of defrauding the government, concealing evidence, manipulating financial documents, tampering with witnesses or perverting the course of justice will also be held to account.

Or to put it another way, if we simply shrug our shoulders and fail to question the actions of the FBI, soon any old Joe Citizen who is suspected of ripping classified government documents into small pieces and flushing them down the toilet will be obliged to answer to law enforcement, as well as their plumber.

If we don’t ask the hard questions about the potential motives of the FBI now, soon any one of us who buries our ex-wife in a small grave at the side of their golf course in order to gain a tax concession will be treated with suspicion.  

As Trump supporters put it so clearly yesterday, if this can happen to a President, it could happen to anyone who has committed insurrection, assault or fraud. That’s a chilling thought.  

We are on new ground here. As Donald Trump himself made clear, this is the first time a former president’s home has been raided. Proof, if ever we needed it, that the FBI shamefully only targets people who it considers to have committed a crime. Who gave FBI director Chris Wray that authority?

As we made clear earlier, we’re certainly not Trump supporters. But in today’s partisan world, it would be easy to fall into the trap of cheering on the FBI’s actions, without taking a step back to look at the bigger picture. If Trump goes to jail, it opens the door for every lying, corrupt, perverted piece of shit to go to jail too. Is that what we want?

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Centrelink to start asking unemployed why they haven’t accepted trade posting from Perrottet government yet

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 09/08/2022 - 9:59am in

Centrelink says it will ask people receiving unemployment benefits in New South Wales to justify why they haven’t accepted a trade posting from the Perrottet government, giving the positions are so readily available.

“There are literally thousands of these trade postings available, so you’re going to need to have a really good reason why you haven’t accepted one if you want to keep receiving payments,” a spokesperson for Centrelink said.

Claiming you don’t have the correct skills or experience will not be considered a valid excuse, the organisation said. “These are walk-up, learn-on-the-job positions. It doesn’t matter what experience you’ve had previously. You could have worked as a window salesman, for example, or done nothing at all. We’ve had plenty of people successfully placed in these positions with absolutely no qualifications”.

Sydney resident Hugh Boland said he’d never seen a job market as buoyant as this. “You walk down Macquarie Street and there are signs up in the windows everywhere advertising trade commissioner positions”.

Centrelink has advised interested applicants to get in touch with their mate at the NSW Liberal Party.

“It’s not corruption if you fuck it up,” says Matthew Guy

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 09/08/2022 - 9:32am in

Corruption can only be considered corruption if you have the competence to actually put it into action, Victorian Opposition leader Matthew Guy claims.

In a fiery interview this morning, Guy said there was no way he or his office would have the aptitude to actually be corrupt. “Even if we wanted to be, we’re so vastly lacking in talent, so desperately shit at everything we turn our hand to, that it’s inconceivable that we could set up, coordinate, and then execute some sort of dodgy pay arrangement.

“I mean, I literally had to ask my childhood friend to step in to be my chief of staff. That’s how thin on the ground we are. This guy was the best man at my wedding, so when I said he was the best man for the job I wasn’t joking. The truth is, he’s the only man for the job. There’s no-one else left.

“The point is, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here. We certainly don’t have geniuses on tap with the know-how to carry out some sort of elaborate piece of corruption. I’d love an extra $100,000 coming into my office, but fucked if I know how to do that. I can barely organise my own life”.

Meanwhile, Victorian Premier Dan Andrews said the Labor Party would be campaigning on an integrity platform at the upcoming election, and would co-opt hundreds of taxpayer-funded staff to help spread the integrity message.

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