drought

Australian Farmers Urged To Give Generously To Struggling Banking Executives

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 27/11/2019 - 8:20am in

farmer

Australia’s farmers currently dealing with bush fires and drought have been urged to put their hands in their pockets to give what they can to Australia’s struggling banking executives.

“Our poor banking executives are really doing it tough,” said an Industry Spokesperson. “I mean take the former Westpac CEO, the poor fellow was only given a $2.6 million dollar payout.”

“That’s not going to buy you a decent house in Mosman. Heck it would barely buy you an apartment in Point Piper or Toorak.”

When asked whether the banking industry had some nerve asking for donations given the billion dollar profits the industry has been producing for seemingly decades now the Spokesperson said: “But that’s not the executives money that goes to the shareholders.”

“Well yes most if not all executives do have shares but they need that money to pay for their kids school fees and ski trips. You’re not going to begrudge little Tarquin or Prudence their ski trip are you?”

Farmers when reached for comment were more than happy to donate with most saying they will send a cheque through as soon as it started raining.

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

Malcolm Roberts To Swim The Murray Darling In An Effort To Prove The Drought Is A Myth

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 30/10/2019 - 9:18am in

Tags 

News, Politics, drought

malcolm-roberts

One Nation’s leading mind Malcolm Roberts, has told reporters that he does not believe in the drought and in an effort to prove it he will endeavor to swim the entire length of the Murray Darling river, all 1,472 kilometers of it.

“Everyone keeps banging on about the drought and a lack of water yet they do not present any empirical evidence,” said Senator Roberts. “Why just the other day I was down at Bondi beach and all I saw was water. It was all the way to the horizon.”

“If we are in drought why was there water a plenty at this beach?”

When asked whether he knew that the water at Bondi Beach was sea water and unsuitable for farming Mr Roberts said: “Says who? I mean we refer to farmers as salt of the earth then why not give them sea water.”

“It’s time this country learn’t to embrace salt, whether it be in our water or on the land.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to buy some floaties for my swim.”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

In Sydney then come and see out live show November 8th.

Tix here: http://www.thenewsagencyvenue.com/shows/eoyextravaganza

One Nation Demands Coca Cola Allows Farmers Access To Mount Franklin

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 29/10/2019 - 8:27am in

One nation

One Nation has come out strongly against Coca Cola demanding that the multi-national company allow Australian farmers access to the vast water supplies of Mount Franklin.

“Our farmers are out there doing it tough whilst Coca Cola executives are living it up and splashing around at Mount Franklin,” said One Nation founder Pauline Hanson. “How dare they not do their bit for our farmers, just the thought of it brings a tear to my eye.”

“There’d be more tears if there was a camera around but this is a phone interview so if you could just say I cried that would be terrific.”

When asked what other measures One Nation was looking into to help the farmers Senator Hanson said: “Well we are looking at all measures. For instance I know that when I put my washing out or go to wash the car that it always rains so maybe the farmers could try doing one of those things.”

“My colleague Senator Roberts is also in talks with a lovely chap from Nigeria who has promised to send him a special rain making device and it’ll only cost him $5000 worth of iTunes vouchers.”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

In Sydney then come and see out live show November 8th.

Tix here: http://www.thenewsagencyvenue.com/shows/eoyextravaganza

Alan Jones Launches Into ScoMo Treating Him Like He Was A Female PM

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 16/10/2019 - 8:30am in

Tags 

Media, drought, Radio

alan-jones

Sydney shock jock Alan Jones has launched into Prime Minister ScoMo in an interview on his show today, going off at the Prime Minister as though he viewed him as a female Prime Minister.

“I do humbly apologise to the Prime Minister, I’m not sure what came over me,” said a contrite Alan Jones. “All this talk of a drought took me to a dark place and made me think of all those women in the past that I have disagreed with.”

“And unfortunately I took those frustrations out on our dear leader Scott or ScoMo as I like to call him.

When asked why he was so quick to apologise to Prime Minister ScoMo whereas in the past he has not been so forth coming Mr Jones said: “Scott is a busy man I can’t have him going off thinking I’m upset with him.”

“He is a good man, someone I would like besides me in the trenches.”

Radio Station 2GB when pressed on how the melt down would effect Mr Jones’ sponsors replied: “Sponsors, what sponsors. Alan lost them years ago.”

Mark Williamson
www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.

City Worker Wonders If It’s Rained Enough Yet To Shut Up The Farmers

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 18/09/2019 - 11:00am in

workers_0

An inner city office worker has casually asked his colleague if they think we’ve had enough rain yet to shut up the farmers. Before going on to hope for a return of ‘good’ weather before the up coming weekend.

“Look I know the farmers are doing it tough but come on it’s rained for like half a day now,” said the office worker. “Drought’s tough and all that but I’m keen to head on down to the park this weekend for a picnic.”

“You can’t picnic in the rain, the blanket gets all muddy.”

When asked for comment on the city worker’s concerns about the weather, Dubbo farmer Trevor Gumboot said: “I feel for the poor bugger and would be happy to chip in to a Go Fund Me account to buy him a new picnic blanket.”

“Well I would if I had any cash left, you see I used the last of my savings to buy some feed for my three remaining cows. But the minute it rains I’ll be shipping that fellow all the picnic blankets I can find.”

Former Minister for Water Barnaby Joyce was unavailable for comment however his office did not rule out a call for emergency funding for inner city office workers to buy new picnic blankets.

Mark Williamson
www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.

Glad all over?

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 15/09/2019 - 5:32pm in

Is “One Million Dollar Woman” Liberal Party “gun” fund-raiser, Gladys Liu, a catspaw of the Chinese Communist Party’s 2005 huaren canzheng, a policy of “ethnic Chinese participation in politics overseas” which has seen Beijing support ethnic Chinese politicians in gaining office in Canada, New Zealand, Britain and Australia? Or is Ms Liu just another reactionary,…

The post Glad all over? appeared first on The AIM Network.

Hanson Calls On The Government To Nuke The Drought

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 27/08/2019 - 8:08am in

037149-pauline-hanson

Pauline Hanson has taken time out from her new hobby of sliding down famous Australian landmarks to demand that the Prime Minister do something for the farmers like nuking the drought.

“It’s about time this Government did something for the farmers,” said the Queensland Senator as she slowly slid down the sails of the Sydney Opera House. “If Donald Trump can nuke a hurricane then why can’t we nuke the drought?”

“I have it on good authority from one of Australia’s greatest scientific minds Malcolm Roberts (sic) that nuking the drought would work.”

When asked how nuclear weapons would help the drought Senator Hanson replied: “You reporters with all your questions and doubts. Let me tell you something, doubts don’t stop droughts.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I need to attend an important meeting with Malcolm Roberts he’s off to storm Area 51 next week you know.”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison could not be reached for comment as he was busy being ignored by other world leaders at the G7 conference.

Mark Williamson

http://www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

Barnaby Joyce Calls For More Government Funding For Families Namely His

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 29/07/2019 - 8:14am in

Barnaby-420x0

Former Special Envoy for the drought Barnaby Joyce has called upon the Government to increase funding to families namely his in the coming term of parliament.

“I know how hard it is to raise a family on a single income, heck I know how hard it is to raise two families on a single income,” said Mr Joyce. “What this Government needs to do is to look out for all the family guys out there.”

“Especially those family guys who may have one, two or even three separate families.”

When asked how it is he is struggling to get by on a two hundred thousand dollar a year salary Mr Joyce replied: “I’ve got mouths to feed, kids to school and women to wine and dine…err I mean rent to pay.”

“I tell you walk a mile in my shoes and you try and survive on such a pittance. Lord knows how those on Newstart manage it, but we’ll get to them after we’ve looked after me…err I mean families.”

Mark Williamson
www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.

Coles Release Series Of Collectable Mini Choked Sea Animals

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 17/07/2019 - 11:30am in

coles

Supermarket chain Coles has announced that following on from the success of its mini collectable grocery items it will be releasing a series of mini collectable sea creatures that have choked on discarded plastic shopping bags.

“Shoppers will be able to collect such items as a tiny replica loggerhead sea turtle with a Coles plastic bag stuck halfway down its gullet,” confirmed Coles marketing executive Ray Markup. “The range will also include an octopus with its legs trapped inside a plastic bag, a dugong with a plastic bag caught on its flipper and a red footed booby with its neck caught in the handles of a plastic bag.”

“I’ve got three spare mini stormy petrels with plastic bags in their windpipe that I’m willing to swap for a rare mini wandering albatross with a plastic bag wedged in its lower intestines,” said desperate shopper Fiona Flybuys. “I’m hoping to get a mini dolphin with a plastic bag in its blowhole next time I spend thirty dollars and then I’ll have the complete set.”

There have been reports of rare collectables from the ‘Little Choke’ range selling for as much as $300 on e-bay to obsessive collectors.

In response, rival store Woolworths has been considering giving away its own range of collectable mini dairy farmers who’ve been sent to the wall by spiralling farm gate prices for milk.

Peter Green
http://www.twitter.com/Greeny_Peter

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook.