Barnaby Joyce Calls For More Government Funding For Families Namely His

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 29/07/2019 - 8:14am in


Former Special Envoy for the drought Barnaby Joyce has called upon the Government to increase funding to families namely his in the coming term of parliament.

“I know how hard it is to raise a family on a single income, heck I know how hard it is to raise two families on a single income,” said Mr Joyce. “What this Government needs to do is to look out for all the family guys out there.”

“Especially those family guys who may have one, two or even three separate families.”

When asked how it is he is struggling to get by on a two hundred thousand dollar a year salary Mr Joyce replied: “I’ve got mouths to feed, kids to school and women to wine and dine…err I mean rent to pay.”

“I tell you walk a mile in my shoes and you try and survive on such a pittance. Lord knows how those on Newstart manage it, but we’ll get to them after we’ve looked after me…err I mean families.”

Mark Williamson

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Coles Release Series Of Collectable Mini Choked Sea Animals

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 17/07/2019 - 11:30am in


Supermarket chain Coles has announced that following on from the success of its mini collectable grocery items it will be releasing a series of mini collectable sea creatures that have choked on discarded plastic shopping bags.

“Shoppers will be able to collect such items as a tiny replica loggerhead sea turtle with a Coles plastic bag stuck halfway down its gullet,” confirmed Coles marketing executive Ray Markup. “The range will also include an octopus with its legs trapped inside a plastic bag, a dugong with a plastic bag caught on its flipper and a red footed booby with its neck caught in the handles of a plastic bag.”

“I’ve got three spare mini stormy petrels with plastic bags in their windpipe that I’m willing to swap for a rare mini wandering albatross with a plastic bag wedged in its lower intestines,” said desperate shopper Fiona Flybuys. “I’m hoping to get a mini dolphin with a plastic bag in its blowhole next time I spend thirty dollars and then I’ll have the complete set.”

There have been reports of rare collectables from the ‘Little Choke’ range selling for as much as $300 on e-bay to obsessive collectors.

In response, rival store Woolworths has been considering giving away its own range of collectable mini dairy farmers who’ve been sent to the wall by spiralling farm gate prices for milk.

Peter Green

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