Election

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Dutton Shocked That Most People Don’t Consider Puppy Strangling A Hobby

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 21/06/2022 - 7:00am in

Opposition leader Peter Dutton (yep, really) has expressed shock to his advisors after they told him that the general public wasn’t as into puppy strangling as a hobby as he was.

”Peter is still getting used to being the front man of the band so to speak,” said an Advisor to the Dark Lord. ”At the moment we are just knocking off a few rough edges to getting him somewhere near electable.”

”Or, if that’s too much of a stretch then we’ll settle with him being able to walk down the street without young children screaming in fear.”

When asked if they seriously believed that Peter Dutton would honestly ever be considered by the Public as Prime Minister, the Government Advisor said: ”Well who else do we have?”

”Angus Taylor? I’m sure Labor would be ICAC ing their dacks at the thought of facing Angus at an election.”

”Look, we’ll get Peter across the line one way or another. Heck, who knows maybe by the next election puppy strangling will take off as the new hip fad.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go to the pound and stock on puppies for the Dark Lord, he’s always in such a good mood after he’s strangled a couple.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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ScoMo Asks Dutton If He Wants Any Of His Curry Recipes

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 03/06/2022 - 8:17am in

Tags 

Politics, Election

Australia’s former Prime Minister (LOL) Scotty who was fired from marketing has taken a break from squatting at Kirribilli to reach out to new Opposition leader Peter Dutton to see if he wants any of his infamous curry recipes.

”Being in Opposition is tough, or so I’ve heard,” said the former PM. ”So, if Peter wants to follow my lead and get back into Government then he should head to the kitchen and get his photo taken knocking up a curry.”

”Guessing he’ll probably want to steer clear of the potato curries.”

When asked when he and his family were going to stop squatting at Kirribilli, the former PM said: ”We are not squatting, we are merely staying here till our house in the Shire is spruced up a bit or there’s a riot in the Capital and the election result is over turned.”

”Haven’t you watched Sky News, the people are revolting.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and help Jen strip out the copper wiring from the walls. Apparently it is worth quite a pretty penny.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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Barnaby Denies Giving Littleproud A Wedgie

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 30/05/2022 - 8:08am in

Aspiring shadow Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has denied giving his colleague David Littleproud a wedgie this morning and insisted it was just a miscommunication.

”Look David asked me if his tie was straight and it wasn’t, so I endeavoured to fix it for him,’ said the member for New England. ”He went left, I went right and next thing you know his undies are over his head.”

”These things happen, we move on.”

When asked how he was feeling ahead of today’s leadership spill, former Minister Joyce said: ”A bit nervous, you know I do have families to think of and it’s a big pay cut not being in the top job.”

”Here’s hoping my colleagues see sense and go with me being in the tent pissing out rather than out of the tent pissing in.”

”Speaking of which I’m off to drain the lizard before the meeting.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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We need constitutional reform to tackle the malaise in British politics

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 28/05/2022 - 4:31pm in

There is a deep malaise in British politics (I use the term deliberately). We are all fatigued by Johnson’s antics and incompetence, but that is his plan so we need to be wary: his intention is to succeed with his fascist revolution by grinding us down until we accept it. Troubling though this is, the issue is actually deeper than that. The malaise reflects the loss of consensus.

I am not pretending consensus is always good. That around neoliberalism was clearly very harmful to the country, and the world at large. Anyway, I do not seek political agreement. Rather, I suggest there is an absence of agreement on the need for competent government, fair representation, the nature of the state, which countries it comprises, what their relationship should be, what government should do, and how, and in the ethics that might drive decision making around these and related issues.

The malaise is, perhaps, most marked in the Tories, where the coalition around Johnson is collapsing. It would do so more quickly if there was a viable alternative leader, but there aren’t any real candidates, let alone ones who might appeal to the country. As a result Johnson survives, as maybe the last supposed Tory, although he long since abandoned all that the modern Conservative supposedly represented.

Labour is also a failed coalition, unable to accommodate left and right wings of the party simultaneously, so different are their views.

The SNP is little better. The leadership and membership of that party are far apart when it comes to policy.

The LibDems have swung left and right, the latter disastrously.

The Greens come in many differing hues, which is one reason why they continue to fail to break through.

The space for alternatives to these parties is seemingly non-existent, and yet what is obvious to most is that they would, if they felt able to, vote for representation by none of the above, albeit that they find bits of some that might appeal. We naturally want coalition in which ideas can by synthesised into strategy by agreement, but what is apparent is that our political system comprises parties seemingly unable to get close to this goal within themselves, but who seek an outright win despite that (and get it, Labour holding Wales, the SNP Scotland and the Tories England for now, although I am not sure for how much longer). The political crisis that we face is that what we wish for, which is a representation for our views, is not an option available to us. And so we are alienated from politics, even though we hold very clear political views, and seek to uphold the integrity of government.

The solution has to be electoral reform. Proportional representation, state funding of political parties, reform of rules on donations, an elected second chamber, a right to freedom of speech (excluding the promotion of hate crimes), proper devolution, a right to referenda on leaving the Union, properly devolved local power on a consistent basis, firm codes of conduct, control of the media and its ownership backed by state funding but with a guarantee of editorial independence, and so much more is required, as is a constitutional commitment to addressing climate change.

And we need to be working in this now. I am not quite sure how. Best would, perversely, be through a citizen’s assembly structure jointly sponsored by those political parties committed to democracy. That would require courage. It would require trust in people. It would require the ability to work together that coalitions - including the cross party ones that actually exist in the Commons and elsewhere on a routine basis - always demand.

Is that possible? I do not know. But I am certain it is what we need.

“Just Call Me The Big C,” Says Dutton In Pitch To Conservative Voters

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 27/05/2022 - 7:00am in

Aspiring Opposition leader and a man that our Lawyers say does not resemble Lord Voldemort Peter Dutton has told conservative voters that he is one of them and they should refer to him as the Big C.

”A lot of Australians have the wrong impression of me and see me as some sort of monster,” said a man who is allegedly not the Dark Lord. ”I’m just a big cuddly teddy bear, who has nothing but love in his heart.”

”Of course I am a teddy bear with claws that will slash you if you do get too close.”

When asked if he really expected the public to buy this rebranding of him, a weird looking (we think he was trying to smile) Peter Dutton said: ”Of course the public will believe in me, even if I have to strangle, err, I mean pat every puppy in the country.”

”I’m a nice guy and if you say otherwise then I guess I will see you in court.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s getting late and I have a village to scare, err, meet and greet.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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“My Husband Is Not A Monster” Says Kirilly Dutton As She Throws Sackful Of Offal Into His Cellar

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 26/05/2022 - 12:16pm in

Tags 

Politics, Election

The wife of aspiring Opposition leader Peter Dutton has denied that her husband is a monster who prowls the neighbourhood after dark feeding on small mammals, saying he is just a misunderstood knockabout bloke who loves making dad jokes with the kids through the grate of his enclosure.

“His dad jokes are comedy gold. Just the other night we were watching a rugby league match from Manus Island and he quipped that the man with the whistle should be called the reffo-ree,” said Mrs Dutton as she cracked a whip into her husband’s dungeon, eliciting an anguished snarl. “One of my favourites is “What’s wet and salty and fucks low lying South Pacific nations? High tide”.”

She has dismissed as lies a claim that a wealthy Chinese businessman paid thousands of dollars so he could meet her husband.

“The exact opposite is the truth,” said Mrs Dutton as she hurled a bucket load of small animal bones up on a rope. “People spend thousands of dollars not to meet my husband.”

Peter Green
http://www.twitter.com/Greeny_Peter

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Barnaby Tells Dutton: ”No Coalition As Long As There’s A Bonk Ban”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 26/05/2022 - 8:33am in

Aspiring shadow Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has told the soon to be minted Opposition leader Peter Dutton to not expect to form a Coalition with the Nationals as long as the bonk ban still stands.

”Peter, gee it’s good to work with someone and call them by their name rather than a made up nickname, Dutton needs to end this inhumane bonk ban,” said the Member for New England. ”I mean we’ll be in Opposition for awhile what’s their to do other than a few press conferences and chasing around our staffers.”

”Most of us are a long way from home and not used to sleeping in our beds alone.”

When asked, given the result of the electoral thumping the Coalition received why they aren’t going further than just the bonk ban to change, the Member for New England said: ”I won my seat and I was against the bonk ban.”

”Scott, yes Scott, not bloody ScoMo, was for the bonk ban and he lost his job. It doesn’t get more obvious than that why we lost.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to Peter about some other issues I have and show him how I will piss on the carpet if he doesn’t do things my way.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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Seemed like all

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 23/05/2022 - 8:13am in

Seemed like all the Inner West of Sydney was on the drink yesterday, after local boy Anthony “Albo” Albanese was elected as Australia’s 31st Prime Minister. What better way to celebrate than get on a session of ‘The Albo’, with a picture on the tap of the Labor Party leader at about 20 years old after he’d had a couple. In the heart of his own electoral district in the Inner West, at the Marrickville Hotel. Marrickville.

Scott Tells Jen To Take The Shower Curtains When Packing Up Kirribilli

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 23/05/2022 - 7:00am in

Australia’s latest ex-PM Scott Morrison has told his wife Jen to make sure she packs the shower curtains and maybe swipe a towel or two from Kirribilli this week when she packs up as the family prepares to move back to the Shire.

”There’s nothing wrong with taking a souvenir or two from a hotel,” said the former PM. ”I mean all I’m saying to Jen is to take the shower curtains, maybe a towel or 2 but don’t go nuts and strip the copper wire from the walls.”

”I did ask and that apparently is frowned upon.”

When asked what he planned to do next following his crushing defeat, the ex-PM said: ”Well I won’t be stripping the walls of Kirribilli of copper wire, that’s for sure.”

”Look, Jen and I will get back to our roots in the Shire, I’ll serve my electorate as best I can till, you know something better comes along.”

”Maybe an Ambassadorship to somewhere exotic, like Bali, Hawaii or even Vegas.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and unscrew a few lightbulbs from upstairs and chuck them in the suitcase. Come to think about it, I wonder if I could take the solar panels with me as well.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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Anthony Albanese will

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 22/05/2022 - 8:32am in

Anthony Albanese will become the 31st Prime Minister of Australia after the Australian Labor Party won a plurality of seats in the Parliament in yesterday’s Federal Election, defeating the widely loathed conservative incumbent Scott Morrison.
So, here’s a blast from the past… 
Bob Hawke. One of the greatest Labor Party Prime Minister’s of Australia. Elected four consecutive times to be in charge of the Australian federation from 1983 to 1991. A charismatic national leader and statesman, he was also a champion drinker, but gave the booze away entirely when he became Prime Minister and remained teetotal throughout his tenure, and then went back to it in retirement. His chief legacy is free state-funded universal health care for all, established in 1984. No Australian need pay out of pocket to see a doctor nor receive hospital care. Ever. Thanks to Bob. He wholeheartedly and happily endorsed Hawke’s Brewing Co. a few years back before he died aged 90 in 2019. Sorely missed in difficult and uncertain times, when leadership has been in short supply. Paintwork by Scottie Marsh. On a wall at the Carlisle Castle Hotel. Newtown. 

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