Election

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ScoMo’s Former Creepy Mate Asks Albo If He Likes Ping Pong

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 11/05/2022 - 8:40am in

Prime Minister Scomo’s former creepy mate George Christensen has sent out feelers to Opposition leader Anthony Albanese to see if he likes ping pong.

”With it looking likely that Albo will be PM George is looking to cover some bases so to speak in the event that eventuates,” said a Government Insider. ”George knows he has a couple of skeletons in his closet and being outside of parliament that makes it harder for him to keep them hidden.”

”He really will miss parliamentary privilege.”

When reached for comment on his approach to Albo, the former member for Manilla George Christensen said: ”Making friends later in life is hard, so, you know I thought I’d see if Albo wanted to you know catch up.”

”Maybe play some ping pong or trawl the bars of downtown Manilla look for young girls to mentor.”

”I’m a very loyal friend you know, unless of course I don’t get my own way.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Dutton Asks Albo For Measurements To The Opposition Leader’s Office

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/05/2022 - 8:16am in

The Dark Lord Peter Dutton has called upon Labor leader Anthony Albanese to ask him what the measurement’s are for the Opposition leader’s office.

”I called Anthony and just wanted to know how big his office is, as in 7 weeks time I want to be sure that all my stuff fits in there,” said he who can’t be named. ”As Minister for the Dark Arts I have quite a spacious office so not sure if I can fit it all in an Opposition leader’s office.”

”If not, then I’m sure one of my many underlings will be happy to give me their office space.”

When asked why he was focused on office space post-election rather than the campaign itself, the Dark Lord said: ”Well, I’m not leader so I am free to do my own bidding.”

”Besides, it’s always good to have a contingency plan. If Scott, err, ScoMo wins then I already know how big his offices are.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s going to be a long 7 weeks, so I might go and relax by strangling a few litters of puppies.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Barnaby Calls For More Funding For Future Single Mothers

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 7:00am in

Aspiring Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has called for an increase in funding for future single Mothers, in a move that he feels may help the Coalition with their female problem.

”We need to make sure we look after those in the community, like single Mothers, who are doing it tough,” said the Member for New England. ”Who knows what the future will hold for any of us.”

”I mean if the bonk ban were to be lifted that could definitely change a lot of people’s personal circumstances.”

When asked why he was so concerned with single Mothers and the bonk ban, the Deputy Prime Minister (yep, really) said: ”No one pays more attention to single Mothers in this country than I, Barnaby Joyce.”

”I love nothing more than heading around town and pressing the flesh with all the new young Mums around town.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I see there is a new Mother’s group meeting down the road, might go and do a bit of polling.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Two weeks now

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 07/05/2022 - 8:16am in

Two weeks now until General Election day and the current Tory Prime Minister and his party have a serious “woman problem”; that kind of male chauvinism alone could be enough to vote the bastards out. Newtown.

Press Pack Condemn Albo For Not Knowing Alan Tudge’s Whereabouts

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 06/05/2022 - 7:00am in

Australia’s Press pack has today moved to condemn Labor leader Anthony Albanese after he was unable to tell them the whereabouts of the Morrison/Joyce/Murdoch Government’s alleged Education Minister Alan Tudge.

”This is an appalling gaffe from Albo and will probably cost him the election,” said Channel 9 News Reporter Declan Ian Viewers. ”I know the 13 people who liked my clip that I posted on Facebook will not vote for him.”

‘He also wasn’t able to answer answer my question of what 12457.74 times by 765949475694.75 equals, appalling effort.”

When asked why the Press Pack were seemingly asking intricate gotcha questions to Albo and softballs to the PM, Declan Ian Viewers of the 9 Network said: ”If the PM were here he’d reject the premise of your question.”

”And if we were to push that line then Rupert would beat us with a rubber hose.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to rifle through Albo’s rubbish, rumour is he doesn’t recycle all of his soft plastics. If I can prove this Rupert will give me a show on Sky News.”

”Think of all the 10’s of viewers I’d be able to reach.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Barnaby Tells ScoMo: End The Bonk Ban Win The Election

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 05/05/2022 - 8:38am in

Australia’s next Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has told the PM that the reason that they are doing so badly in the polls is due to the contentious (only to Barnaby) bonk ban.

”Bloody, Scott, err, ScoMo, needs to realise that sex sells,” said the Member for New England. ”Sure it doesn’t fly in those inner city latte sipping seats, but who cares about them.”

”The people in the bush wanna know that their member is on the job, in more ways than one.”

When asked why given the rising cost of living and interest rate rise that he felt that the bonk ban was the most important issue to deal with, the Deputy PM (for now) said: ”You people in the Canberra bubble need to get out more.”

”People care about who’s bonking who. They want their MP’s happy and sexed up.”

”They know that interest rates will go up and down, they’re more concerned that MP’s like me are able to go up and down.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and pound the pavement and potentially press the flesh.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Frydenberg Asks Porter For Some Blind Trust $$$$ To Help With The Campaign

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 03/05/2022 - 7:00am in

Australia’s soon to be former Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has asked his old mate the alleged former Attorney General Christian Porter if he can spare him some cash from his blind trust to help him buy more billboards in Kooyong.

”Poor Josh has spent a lot of his political donors money on corflutes and billboards and political donors don’t just grow on trees you know,” said a Spokesperson for the Treasurer. ”These horrible teal independents forcing the Treasurer to be accountable to his own electorate.”

”The nerve of them.”

When asked why the Treasurer was seemingly trying to buy his way back into Parliament, the Spokesperson said: ”Cause that’s what the Liberal party does, we splash the cash and get the job done.”

”These Independents, how dare they spend money that should rightfully be going to us.”

”Doesn’t Holmes A Court know that if he scratches our back we’ll scratch his?”

”Surely we can find him a diplomatic posting or build him a car park if he sends his dollars our way.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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News Corp Journo’s Ordered To Help Flyer For Frydenberg In Kooyong

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 02/05/2022 - 8:07am in

The Government’s unofficial cheer leaders News Corp have ordered all their journalists to drop everything and get to the seat of Kooyong to help the Nation’s Treasurer Josh Frydenberg with his campaign to retain the seat.

”For some reason Rupert is a big fan of little Joshie Frydenberg,” said a News Corp Executive. ”That or Josh has some compromising photos of Lord Rupert maybe throwing his hotdog down another hall.”

”Either way, Rupert wants to keep Josh.”

When asked why the News Corp papers were seemingly siding with the Government as opposed to remaining impartial, the News Corp Executive said: ”What Rupert wants, Rupert gets, and for some reason he thinks it’s in his best interest to have a ScoMo over an Albo.”

”He is getting on in years you know and doesn’t always get it right.”

”I mean remember when he told Australia that they need Tony Abbott, oh boy, we still laugh at that one.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get down to Surrey Hills train station and hand out some how to vote cards.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Mid-way point in

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 30/04/2022 - 8:55am in

Mid-way point in the six week Federal election campaign with the poll on Saturday 21 May, so here’s some corflutes, balcony banners, bin stickers and graf from around the Inner West. Top one features current conservative Prime Minister, Scott “ScoMo” Morrison, leader of the Liberal-National Party coalition being missing in action and on vacation in Hawaii during the 2019/20 Christmas/New Year bushfire disaster. The last one features the leader of the Australian Labor Party, Anthony “Albo” Albanese, who’s widely expected to be voted in as Australia’s next Prime Minister. His electorate largely encompasses the Inner West, where he was born and has always lived. Good working class boy. More than 110,000 enrolled voters in the district covering 29 sq km. He’d be the first person from the Inner West to ever occupy the top job, so obviously the locals are rooting hard for him. Vote the bastards out! Dulwich Hill, Earlwood, Hurlstone Park, Marrickville, Glebe, Petersham.

Howard Shocked To Learn That Women And Minorities Are Allowed To Vote

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 29/04/2022 - 8:08am in

Former Prime Minister fresh out of the deep freeze for the election John Howard was today shocked to learn that women and minorities are in fact allowed to vote in the upcoming election.

”I have to say that the news has come as a bit of a surprise to me,” said Mr Howard, ”All those years that Janet accompanied me to the voting booth I thought she was doing it as a show of support.”

”Never in my wildest imagination did I think she was actually voting.”

When asked for his views on Australia’s housing affordability problem, the former Prime Minister said: ”I don’t see what the problem is, I have a house, my kids have houses, everyone I know has a house.”

”Australians need to stop complaining and accept their lot in life.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back on the campaign trail otherwise Scott, err, ScoMo will chuck me into a nursing home. And not the good type, the type that pops up every now and then on A Current Affair.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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