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PM Unveils Major $90 Billion Distraction

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 16/09/2021 - 8:33am in

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World, Featured

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced a landmark distraction that will help secure the lead stories of the nation’s media for at least the next five days.

A joint initiative with the US and Britain, who will also benefit from the distraction, the program will act as a first line of defence against stories about institutionalised corruption, allegations of rape, a disastrous vaccination program and a failing economy.

Speaking to media this morning, Mr Morrison said the announcement will bolster the government’s defences against unwanted attacks. “What this new deal means is that for the next 48 hours at least, we will push back those stories who wish to do us harm”.

He said the trilateral agreement showed the strength of Australia’s relationship with Britain and the US. “We have always seen the world through a common lens. All three leaders know that, when you’re under attack domestically, the best thing to do is announce a multi billion dollar military contract, preferably with ready-made pictures of artillery”.

New Submarine Deal Mainly Just Expired Subs From Poland, New Detail Shows

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 16/09/2021 - 8:16am in

The $90 billion submarine project, announced by Scott Morrison today, will actually just be a delivery of second hand submarines from Poland and Singapore nine months after the contracted completion date, new analysis by The Shovel has revealed.

While the PM said Australia would receive a significant number of submarines as part of the deal, a closer reading of the contract shows he just made that up.

“Britain and the US will immediately receive their submarines, but there is actually no provision in this contract for Australia to receive anything at all for at least 70 years,” an expert familiar with the contract said.

“So while Mr Morrison may have said we are at the front of the queue, what in fact will happen is that he will go shopping around on eBay at the last minute desperately trying to source a few second hand subs that are about to reach their use-by date”.

Mr Morrison did not comment on the details of the contract but made it clear it was not a race.

Thanks to Daniel (@Dan_InTweetForm) for the headline idea.

Daniel Andrews Refuses To Scrap 9pm Curfew But Agrees To Let Melburnians Read In Bed Until 9:30

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 16/09/2021 - 4:40am in

Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews has resisted calls to scrap Melbourne’s 9pm curfew, but has offered a compromise that would allow Melburnians to read quietly in bed for half an hour.

Mr Andrews used his daily press briefing to announce the new privilege, saying it was on the proviso that it wasn’t taken advantage of.

“This is not an invitation to stay up all night; it’s not about being on your phone watching movies. It’s about reading a book. Then that’s it; it’s lights out,” he said.

The Premier said he would be keeping a close eye on the time. “I am willing to let you stay up a little bit later, but this is very much a trial. It’s not 9:35, it’s not 9:32. It’s 9:30. If you’re still up after that then we’ll very quickly go back to a 9pm lights out”.

Despite persistent and dogged questioning for days, Mr Andrews has not budged on the strict curfew. When asked why, he said he wasn’t going to go into the reasons why because you know why and we’ve been through it plenty of times before.

By ignoring tacit knowledge, we can tell less than we know about research impact.

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 15/09/2021 - 8:00pm in

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Featured

Impact case studies, such as those produced for the UK’s research excellence framework, often present neat linear impact narratives that reflect the transmission of explicit knowledge from the world of research to the world of practice. Vincent W Mitchell, William S Harvey and Geoffrey Wood argue that by privileging easily quantifiable explicit knowledge over subtler socialised … Continued

Man Who Remembers Bowl Of Prawns From 1988 Doesn’t Know Who Put Up To $1 Mil In His Bank Account

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 15/09/2021 - 11:41am in

A former Attorney General who remembers the specific type of food that was provided at a debating function 33 years ago, can’t for the life of him think who might have deposited up to $1 million in a trust fund he set up.

“I just don’t have that sort of attention to detail, sorry,” said the man who also remembered the precise act of ironing a shirt on a university trip more than three decades ago.

He said the busyness of life meant it was impossible to keep track of every single little detail. “I’m across the big things, sure, like those yummy prawns from ‘88; they stick in my mind. About 10-12 cm long, with a beautiful zesty sauce. But for God’s sake, I can’t be expected to keep up with pesky little details like who’s funding a seven-figure law bill for a case I initiated!”

He said the funding could’ve come from anywhere. “On any given day there are literally thousands of people who could potentially deposit a large sum of money into an account. Who keeps a track of that sort of thing?

“If the money was deposited into a bowl that contained prawns or some other type of hors d’oeuvres, then absolutely I would’ve taken note of where it came from. But not if it goes into a financial account with my name on it”.

Universal Credit cut: catastrophe in the making

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 15/09/2021 - 7:06am in

Terina Hine explains why the UC cut will be a disaster for millions of people, including children

Genuine open access to academic books requires collective solutions

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 14/09/2021 - 8:00pm in

UKRI, the UK’s national research funding agency, and cOAlition S, an international consortium of research funders, recently reaffirmed their commitments to delivering open access to academic books. However, whilst an open trajectory has been clearly set, how this is to be achieved remains unclear. In this post Lucy Barnes argues that for academic books to … Continued

Anti Vaxxer Shocked To Discover He Carries ‘Driving Passport’

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 14/09/2021 - 7:44am in

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Featured

A Port Macquarie man who says a vaccine passport is a contravention of the 1948 United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, was astonished this morning to discover a ‘driving passport’ had been sitting in his wallet since 1996.

“I never signed up for this,” said Richard Mallison, 42, who took his driving test at the age of 17 and renewed his licence four years ago. Pulling the offending card from his wallet, a shocked Mr Mallison called friends to ask if they had seen anything like it before. “It’s got your photo on it, your address, your name. Everything! And I’ve had this thing on my person every day for over two decades”.

Putting on his seatbelt and reversing out of his driveway, Mallison let out a panicked squeal as it dawned on him that the passport was legally required in order to access certain activities.

“Next thing you know you’ll need one of these things to get into a pub”.

Labor Diversity Push To Focus On People From Minority White Backgrounds

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 14/09/2021 - 7:43am in

The Labor Party says it is committed to giving opportunities to people from all walks of white middle class life, with a new push to encourage people from non-traditional white backgrounds to nominate for pre-selection.

Confirming that Kristina Keneally will nominate to contest the Western Sydney seat of Fowler at the next election, a spokesperson for the party said it was the first time a white middle class woman of United States descent had contested a seat in the House of Representatives.

“This is a game changer. What this does is make it easier for other people from minority white backgrounds to enter politics in the future. Who knows, we may have someone born in Canada willing to put their hand up at the next election”.  

He said Ms Keneally was the perfect candidate to represent the communities Western Sydney. “These people, many of them of Vietnamese descent, have never had anyone who looks like them represent them before. And they still won’t. But it’ll be fun to have someone with an American accent in Parliament”.

Ms Keneally said she was looking forward to representing the electorate and was committed to solving the factional Labor battles most important to the people of Western Sydney.

“Staying quiet doesn’t work” - interview with a Staff Nurse

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 13/09/2021 - 8:47pm in

After being on the frontlines of the fight against the pandemic, health workers were rewarded with a pay cut by the Tories. Now they’re fight­ing back and demanding 15%. We spoke to Staff Nurse and activist Stacey Richardson about the conditions in the NHS and the campaign

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