liberal

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Greens Fume After Albo Refuses To Fund Their Weekly Drum Circle

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 29/06/2022 - 7:00am in

The Greens have today released an angry press release condemning Prime Minister Anthony Albanese after the PM refused to fund the parties weekly drum circle.

”How does Anthony expect us to get anything done without our weekly drum circle?” Asked Greens leader Adam Bandt. ”Parliament is a very stressful place and our weekly drum circle is very conducive to helping us not only cope but thrive.”

”Some of our best ideas have come out of the drum circle.”

When asked why the Greens felt they deserved special treatment like extra advisors and a drum circle, the Greens leader said: ”We are a very special party, don’t believe us just ask our Mums.”

”Unlike the Liberals we don’t rort, we just enjoy the perks of being on the public teat.”

”And let’s face it, in the grand scheme of things a drum circle is not a lot of money. It’s not like it’s a car park or a shooting range in Dubbo.”

‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, Fuente our lead drummer in the circle has agreed to hold this week’s circle at a discount rate. I need to go and ask Albo if he”ll spot me $50 to cover it.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Greens Demand Australia Be Renamed As The “Us” In Australia Is Offensive To The Chronically Single

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 22/06/2022 - 7:00am in

Greens Leader Adam Bandt has called upon the Prime Minister to rename the country as the use of “us” in Australia could be offensive to the chronically single.

”For too long, this country’s single people have been left behind,” said Brandt. ”I can’t even imagine the pain and suffering they have had to endure every time they have the “us” in Australia foisted upon them.”

”Why hasn’t Anthony Albanese acted upon this vital issue yet?”

When asked if he seriously believed that this was the most pressing issue facing the country at the moment, the Member for Melbourne said: ”It was a huge conversation topic last week at my book club gathering.”

”Poor Tarquin was inconsolable after someone dared use the ‘A word’.”

”Australians need to learn to respect and adhere to my inner-city electorate’s demands.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I overheard a garbage collector address a person on the street by a female pronoun. I have to stop them and poimt out how wrong and destructive they are being by assuming someone’s gender.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Dutton Shocked That Most People Don’t Consider Puppy Strangling A Hobby

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 21/06/2022 - 7:00am in

Opposition leader Peter Dutton (yep, really) has expressed shock to his advisors after they told him that the general public wasn’t as into puppy strangling as a hobby as he was.

”Peter is still getting used to being the front man of the band so to speak,” said an Advisor to the Dark Lord. ”At the moment we are just knocking off a few rough edges to getting him somewhere near electable.”

”Or, if that’s too much of a stretch then we’ll settle with him being able to walk down the street without young children screaming in fear.”

When asked if they seriously believed that Peter Dutton would honestly ever be considered by the Public as Prime Minister, the Government Advisor said: ”Well who else do we have?”

”Angus Taylor? I’m sure Labor would be ICAC ing their dacks at the thought of facing Angus at an election.”

”Look, we’ll get Peter across the line one way or another. Heck, who knows maybe by the next election puppy strangling will take off as the new hip fad.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go to the pound and stock on puppies for the Dark Lord, he’s always in such a good mood after he’s strangled a couple.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Press Disappointed After Albo Leaves Dutton Out Of His Cabinet

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 02/06/2022 - 8:21am in

Australia’s media pack has reacted angrily to news that new Prime Minister Anthony Albanese failed to find a spot in his cabinet for Opposition leader Peter Dutton.

”This is just a ridiculous move by Albo,” said an anonymous Journalist. ”Lord Dutton is a proven performer and just cause he’s not in a faction or in fact the Labor party doesn’t mean he should be left out.”

”Albo says he wants to be a builder not a bulldozer, then why isn’t he building up Dutton’s chances of leading the country.”

When asked why they believed that the party that lost the election should be involved with Governing the country, the anonymous Journalist said: ”I believe that the best people should be running the party and no one is better than Peter Dutton.”

”I am saying this under my own free will and not at all because the Dark Lord is holding my pet cavoodle hostage.”

”Please Mr Dutton don’t hurt my Dog, I swear I’ll do all I can to help you reign, just leave my little dog out of this.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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A Look Back At Eric Abetz’s Parliamentary Achievements

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 31/05/2022 - 12:58pm in

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How To Vote The Un-Australian Way

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 19/05/2022 - 7:00am in

As Australians we love our democracy and how it means we have a pool of twenty five million from whom to choose our best and brightest to be our leader. Sadly, the reality is we have more options when it comes to picking an ice cream flavour than picking a PM (basically two, vanilla and vanilla with shards of glass in it). To save you the trouble of lying to that ABC vote compass thing so you have something to share with your friends that portrays you as more saintly then the offspring of Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa (and that must have been quite a party if you do happen to be the offspring of Martin Luther King and Mother Theresa), here’s the Unoz’s easy guide to who to vote for.

Liberal National Party Coalition

I (@greeny_peter) used to write for the Funniest Home Video Show and due to our unfeasibly healthy ratings we used to joke that watching the Funniest Home Video Show was like wanking and voting Liberal: more people did it than ever owned up to it. The name is a bit misleading, being the conservatives and all, which means they have to employ someone to go through all the guff they import from America with a fine toothed comb and cross out all the references to “liberals” being aligned with baby eating Satanists. Never crosses their mind to consider a name change, which the Nationals wisely did when they realised being called The Country Party was leaving them open to some unkind heckling. Election time gives them a chance to prove they can enter the grounds of a public school without bursting into flames.

Who They Think Votes For Them:

Wise old father figures who make sure you don’t leave any lights on in rooms which you aren’t using, and who won’t take any shit from China.

Who Really Votes For Them:

People starting a small business who touchingly believe theirs won’t be one of the four out of five businesses that fail in the first two years, leaving them having to cope with the crap wages and stripped back social security system they so enthusiastically voted for.

The same small business people who wonder why they are having trouble competing with much bigger businesses that are better placed to exploit those same crap wages.

People who think that rich guys are the best people to put in charge of the economy, in the same logic that suggests Jabba The Hutt is the best person to put in charge of a cake shop.

Who Should Vote For Them:

Anyone drooling over the weekend auction figures and sweating on mum and dad to shuffle off the coil so they can inherit the house. Daughters of rough and ready outback pilots who bingled their plane into humungous deposits of red coloured dirt in the middle of the last century.

AUSTRALIAN LABOR PARTY

The other one. Used to be the party for slightly menacing sweaty blokes in overalls with dirt smeared faces. Unfortunately for the ALP, tradies these days are all subcontractors who think they are Jeff Bezos and identify with the slick haired spivs from the Liberal Party. Still suspected to have the people’s best interests at heart, not because their members are any less likely to be self serving sociopaths who’ll say and do anything to get your vote, but because if you’re a self serving sociopath who’ll say and do anything to get our vote why the hell would you choose the Labor Party?

Who They Think Votes For Them  

Salt of the earth types in ill fitting parkas waiting outside factories in the middle of industrial disputes. Whoever the focus group decides is willing to vote for them this week.

Who Really Votes For Them

The last seven or eight people who belong to a trade union. Boomers with ponytails who can still hum Gough’s “It’s Time” theme song.

Who Should Vote For Them

Labor’s job is to push the government spending lever up like your mum pushing the thermostat up when your dad isn’t looking; so teachers, health workers, public servants, social security recipients and anyone else with their lips puckered up and searching for the public teat to latch onto.

TEAL INDEPENDENTS

Nice, well informed, socially conscious folk who just want the Liberal Party to do what it says it does on the box but would never never never never in a million years dream of voting Labor, because they believe in truth, justice, a cleaner environment and a fairer society as long as it doesn’t actually cost them anything personally.

Who They Think Votes For Them

Anyone who willingly listens to the ABC for the chat, not just because it’s the only radio station that has updates on what the bushfire is doing.

Who really Votes For Them

Your mate’s daughter who skipped school to go to those climate change rallies. Anyone unaware that there hasn’t been an actual socialist in the ALP since about 1931.

Who Should Vote For Them

Anyone who thinks their current Liberal member is a grade A knob-end but is also totally oblivious to the existence of something called The Australian Labor Party.

Anyone who really wants that particular multi-million dollar duck pond or tunnel-ball stadium or whatever built in their electorate and is pinning their faith on the result being a hung parliament. 

THE GREENS

The Greens regularly grab about 10% of the vote, 9.95% of that coming from Labor people who want to protest at how awful the ALP is but are still canny enough to know how preferential voting works; the Australian democracy equivalent of walking out of the footy ground ten minutes before full time to show your team how pissed off you are at how badly they’re losing.

Who they think votes for them

Nerdy types who actually bother reading the pamphlet from the local council that tells you which coloured bin is the right one to put the black plastic tray from the vegan sausages in.

Who really votes for them

Doe eyed nineteen year old first time voters and wistful forty one year olds who still haven’t gotten Captain Planet and the Planeteers out of their system.

Who Should Vote For Them

Anyone for whom “Don’t Look Up” was a terrifying documentary and not just a mildly worthy comedy that could have had a good hour edited out of it.    

ONENATION/UNITED AUSTRALIA PARTY

Ironically, there is a conspiracy where an authoritarian government wants to fool you into giving away your rights as a citizen. Just not the one that these eggflips think they’re saving us from.

Who They Think Votes For Them

Smart people. Obviously not the smart measured by IQ tests. The kind of smart that forces people who’ve been politely chatting to you at barbecues to slowly back away from because you’ve blown them away with your superior logic.

Who really votes for them

That guy in your cricket team who bats at number eleven, bowls one over a year of wides and pulls you aside at the drinks break to tell you that your footwork is all wrong when you’re batting.

Who Should vote For them

Loudmouthed schmucks yelling “wake up sheeple” still decades away from getting the first inkling that they’ve been played like a balalaika by some shell suited computer nerd in an industrial park in Novosibirsk.

THE UNGROUPED LAST ROW OF THE SENATE PAPER

Do you really want to throw your vote away but don’t have the artistic chops to draw a satisfactory cock and balls on your ballet paper. I’d highly recommend researching this poorly lit railway underpass of Australian democracy. On the plus side, as opposed to the local LNP or ALP candidate, there is an outside chance you might have met one of these people down the shops outside of election time.

Who They Think Votes For Them

A massive groundswell of millions who have googled their website and been thoroughly impressed with their scheme to build a giant catapult at Casey Base in the Antarctic and launch ice blocks into a net in Alice Springs to solve droughts once and for all.

Who really Votes For Them

It’s hard to say. I mean some people willingly bought those lamington flavoured potato chips a few years back so I guess there’s a market for everything.

Who Should Vote For Them

Anyone who lives in the same household as one of the candidates otherwise things will get kind of frosty on election night if there’s five voters in the family but only four votes up there on Anthony Green’s little scorecard.

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Dutton Asks Albo For Measurements To The Opposition Leader’s Office

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/05/2022 - 8:16am in

The Dark Lord Peter Dutton has called upon Labor leader Anthony Albanese to ask him what the measurement’s are for the Opposition leader’s office.

”I called Anthony and just wanted to know how big his office is, as in 7 weeks time I want to be sure that all my stuff fits in there,” said he who can’t be named. ”As Minister for the Dark Arts I have quite a spacious office so not sure if I can fit it all in an Opposition leader’s office.”

”If not, then I’m sure one of my many underlings will be happy to give me their office space.”

When asked why he was focused on office space post-election rather than the campaign itself, the Dark Lord said: ”Well, I’m not leader so I am free to do my own bidding.”

”Besides, it’s always good to have a contingency plan. If Scott, err, ScoMo wins then I already know how big his offices are.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s going to be a long 7 weeks, so I might go and relax by strangling a few litters of puppies.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Howard Shocked To Learn That Women And Minorities Are Allowed To Vote

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 29/04/2022 - 8:08am in

Former Prime Minister fresh out of the deep freeze for the election John Howard was today shocked to learn that women and minorities are in fact allowed to vote in the upcoming election.

”I have to say that the news has come as a bit of a surprise to me,” said Mr Howard, ”All those years that Janet accompanied me to the voting booth I thought she was doing it as a show of support.”

”Never in my wildest imagination did I think she was actually voting.”

When asked for his views on Australia’s housing affordability problem, the former Prime Minister said: ”I don’t see what the problem is, I have a house, my kids have houses, everyone I know has a house.”

”Australians need to stop complaining and accept their lot in life.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back on the campaign trail otherwise Scott, err, ScoMo will chuck me into a nursing home. And not the good type, the type that pops up every now and then on A Current Affair.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Barnaby Demands To Be Named Minister For Home Affairs

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 22/04/2022 - 7:00am in

The Country’s deputy Prime Minister (yep, really) Barnaby Joyce has demanded that he be named the Country’s new Minister for Home Affairs should the Coalition win the next election.

”No one in the Government knows more about Home affairs than I do, well maybe Tudge, but he’s not in Cabinet,” said the deputy PM. ”So, Scott, err, ScoMo, start shuffling and give me Home Affairs.”

”If that can’t be done then I’m willing to settle for Foreign Affairs, now that the borders are open.”

When asked why he feels that he is best suited to Home Affairs, the deputy PM said: ”Like I said, I know home affairs, just ask my first wife.”

”Besides, if we win this election it’s time I get rewarded for the role I play in this Government.”

”Take a look at my work this election, I’ve kept my head down and stayed away from the inner city seats.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do some scouting for some future affairs. I need to be briefed about my future briefs.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Press Pack Turns On Albo After He Serves Only Domestic Wine At Media Mixer

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 14/04/2022 - 7:00am in

The Canberra press pack has turned on Opposition leader Anthony Albanese after they were served only domestic wines at the Labor pre-election party mixer.

”This will definitely cost Labor the election,” said a member of the press pack, off the record of course. ”Sure, he served some delicious appetizers, but come on, no French bubbly?”

”What were they thinking.”

When asked why the press and politicians were socialising when the press should be holding the politicians to account, the member of the press pack said: ”We are holding them to account, I mean he only served domestic wine.”

”It’s bad enough that we all have to pack together in the one plane, I mean some of us have to travel in cattle class, dear God.”

”The public don’t know how hard we have it. Here’s hoping that the PM will put on a good spread for us.”

”Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and talk to Albo’s people about my gift pack. They included lavoosh crisp bread with my caviar and they no I’m gluten intolerant.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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