Liberals

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Barnaby Calls On Finland’s Prime Minister To Be More Professional

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 23/08/2022 - 9:01am in

Tags 

World, drugs, Liberals

Australia’s shadow Minister for Home and Foreign Affairs Barnaby Joyce has called on Finland’s Prime Minister to be more professional and lay off the partying.

”As a World leader she needs to be more discreet,” said the Member for New England. ”You want to go out and drink and mingle then keep it in house, like I did.”

”It’s easier to get a staffer to sign a non-disclosure agreement.”

When asked if he was seriously offering a World leader advice on how to act the deputy PM said: ”I’m nothing if not a family guy.”

”Don’t believe me, then ask my family, I’ve got two you know.”

”You know the more I think about it, the more I think I should try and mentor the Finnish PM, take her under my wing so to speak.

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to talk to Dutton about the bonk ban.”

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney come and see us live September 29th and 30th tickets here: https://bit.ly/3bkEjtf

ScoMo Refuses To Comment On Whether Or Not He’s Still Secret PM

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 15/08/2022 - 7:58am in

Australia’s former Finance, Health and Resources Minister Scott Morrison has refused to comment on whether or not he has been secretly sworn in as Prime Minister.

”Look, I won’t be commentating at this time but let’s just say my days now are pretty much similar to when I was PM,” said possible PM Scott Morrison. ”I mean, I still wake up each morning and put my pants on one leg at a time.”

”Just now there is less photographers there to take pictures of me doing it.”

When asked what other borderline unethical stunts he pulled off as PM, the Member for Cook (for now) said: ”That’s for me to know and all the political journalists to reveal in their upcoming books.”

”Besides, who knows how the future will pan out, I may have to have something up my sleeve to reveal if I ever need to flog a book of my own.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to be off and see if I can be sworn in as the secret Minister for McDonalds.”

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney come and see us live September 29th and 30th tickets here: https://bit.ly/3bkEjtf

Dutton Calls On Chinese Checkers To Be Renamed Freedom Checkers

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 11/08/2022 - 7:00am in

The Opposition leader the Dark Lord Peter Dutton has called upon the popular board game Chinese Checkers to be renamed ‘Freedom Checkers’ in an effort to punish China for the ongoing animosity between the two counntries.

”I am appalled that children in Schools are sitting down to a friendly game of Chinese checkers,” said the Dark Lord. ”What is Prime Minister Albanese going to do about this?”

”It should be called ‘Freedom Checkers” and all the pieces decorated in the colours of the Australian flag.”

When asked why he was using his role as Opposition leader to antagonise China, the Dark Lord said: ”Gotta antagonise someone.”

”Besides, what else am I to do, listen to what the voters said about us at the last election,”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to grab some children to have a photo taken with me playing ‘Freedom Checkers’ then I might stop off at the pet store and find some puppies to strangle.”

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney come and see us live September 29th and 30th tickets here: https://bit.ly/3bkEjtf

NSW Premier Personally Apologises To John Barilaro For Any Inconvenience Caused By The Train Strikes

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 10/08/2022 - 9:28am in

NSW Premier (for now) Dominick Perrotet has issued a personal apology to the State’s number 1 citizen John Barilaro over any inconvenience that today’s train strikes may have had on him or his family.

”The Transport Union really needs to start thinking about the people of NSW, namely John Barilaro,” said the NSW Premier. ”Poor John, he’s stuck in Sydney instead of New York and now he might have to wait for a train.”

”I’m sure the people of NSW won’t mind us chartering a helicopter for John or better yet a Learjet.”

When asked why the State was still suffering from crippling transport strikes, the Premier said: ”Well our transport Minister is on holiday, poor chap he only gets to take 6 or 7 holidays a year.”

”To the people of NSW, don’t worry, my Government will do all it can to make sure that we put the interests of John Barilaro first.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, John needs me to walk his dog and mow his lawn, must be off.”

Mark Williamson

www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter or like us on facebook

In Sydney come and see us live September 29th and 30th tickets here: https://bit.ly/3bkEjtf

NSW Declared Most Livable State For Those Named John Barilaro

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 01/07/2022 - 8:00am in

Free Loader magazine has this week declared that the Australian state of NSW is the most livable state in the World for those with the name John Barilaro.

”If you are named John Barilaro then the state of NSW is the place to be,” declared Free Loader journalist Fee Lunch. ”I mean where else can a man prone to temper tantrums and no real qualifications waltz their way to deputy Premier and when that fails get offered a plum job in New York.”

”Sure, the New York thing fell through but you know something else will pop up soon for John. No need for him to ICAC himself.”

When asked why the likes of Barilaro seemingly had things handed to them on a silver platter, Free Loader journalist Fee Lunch said: ”Some are born with luck and others just happen to have a collection of compromising photos that help them get what they want.”

”Not sure which of the above describes John but I do know that he is an avid photographer.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and meet with my publishers to try and find space in the magazine for a new column to be penned by John Barilaro.”

”Hopefully this will tide him over till a new position can be made up for him by Perrotet.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

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Politicians Should Have Diplomatic Immunity Declares Barnaby Joyce

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 08/06/2022 - 7:00am in

Australia’s former Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce has written in an opinion piece in which he suggests that politicians, particularly opposition front benchers, should have diplomatic immunity, to help them get on with the job.

“I, as a member of parliament should be able to walk down Pitt St and shoot someone or pinch them on the butt, if I like,” said the Member for New England. ”What sort of world do we live in when there’s an expectation that politicians should be accountable?”

”Bloody nanny state is what this country is turning into!”

When asked why he was so scared about a Federal ICAC and what he had to hide, the Member for New England said: ”Oh, not me! I’m an open book, trust me. People know when Barnaby is on the prowl!”

”But, you know, sometimes things happen like i’s not being dotted, t’s not being crossed, or $100k turning up in an undeclared bank account.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and chain myself to the Speakers chair in an effort to stop the ICAC legislation going through.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

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Abbott Tells Friends That He Would’ve Beaten The Indonesian President In A Bike Race

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 07/06/2022 - 8:13am in

Former Minister for Women (yep, really) Tony Abbott has been overheard telling friends in Manly how if he were still Prime Minister he would’ve soundly defeated Indonesian President Joko Widodo in a bike race.

The boast came after the current Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and the Indonesian President enjoyed a bike ride together in the grounds of the Presidential palace.

”Tony was very confident that he could take on any World leader in a bike race,” said a Waiter who overheard the conversation. ”He kept reminding everyone about the time that he threatened to shirtfront Putin.”

”Of course he piped down when it was suggested that he should fly to the Ukraine and follow through on his threats.”

Former Prime Minister Abbott could not be reached for comment as he was currently training just in case any World leaders decided to try him.

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

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Barnaby Pissed To Miss Out On Home Affairs In Shadow Ministry

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 06/06/2022 - 8:11am in

Australia’s former deputy PM (yep,really) Barnaby Joyce has reacted angrily to being appointed shadow Minister for Veterans Affairs when he had his heart set on Home or Foreign Affairs.

”I don’t know what sort of game Dutto is playing at by asking me to have an affair with a Veteran,” said the Member for New England. ”Why can’t I get on a plane and have a foreign affair or do what I do best and have a home affair?”

”I tell ya, it’s treatment like this that make me want to stir up the pot.”

When asked whether we can expect him to challenge David Littleproud at some stage for leadership of the Nationals, the Member for New England Said: ”Well, we’ll see won’t we.”

”It costs a lot these days to look after one family, let alone two.”

”Not really sure how I’m going to do it on a shadow Ministers salary. I asked Dutt’s for a pay rise but he told me to go fund myself.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the RSL to start sweet talking the Veterans.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

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Dutton’s Colleagues Relieved To Be Reunited With Their Loved Ones

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 31/05/2022 - 7:00am in

Following his ascension to leader of the Opposition, the Dark Lord Peter Dutton has released his colleagues loved ones from the holding cells in his lair deep in the bowels of Parliament house.

”I’m a big believer in insurance, whether it be life, car, home and contents or kidnapping your colleagues loved ones to ensure that they don’t do anything silly like challenge you,” said the Dark Lord. ”Now that I have taken my rightful place as leader I have no use for their loved ones.”

”In fact I have no use for love at all.”

When sked what steps he will be taking to soften his image now that he is Opposition leader, the Dark Lord said: ”Little things like trying this thing called smiling that I’ve heard about.”

”Also, I will allow myself to be pictured more with puppies. Admittedly it will be puppies that I intend to strangle, but they’re still puppies none the less.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and see my predecessor Scott and make sure he tows the line. Don’t suppose you know anyone who can make an iron mask?”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

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Barnaby Denies Giving Littleproud A Wedgie

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 30/05/2022 - 8:08am in

Aspiring shadow Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has denied giving his colleague David Littleproud a wedgie this morning and insisted it was just a miscommunication.

”Look David asked me if his tie was straight and it wasn’t, so I endeavoured to fix it for him,’ said the member for New England. ”He went left, I went right and next thing you know his undies are over his head.”

”These things happen, we move on.”

When asked how he was feeling ahead of today’s leadership spill, former Minister Joyce said: ”A bit nervous, you know I do have families to think of and it’s a big pay cut not being in the top job.”

”Here’s hoping my colleagues see sense and go with me being in the tent pissing out rather than out of the tent pissing in.”

”Speaking of which I’m off to drain the lizard before the meeting.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

https://bit.ly/2y8DH68

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