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Hospitality worker to use 40% of super to move into first car

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 16/05/2022 - 3:28pm in

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A man who has amassed $3,450 in super over his ten years working in the hospitality industry has welcomed the government’s new super home-buying scheme, saying he’ll finally be able to afford to put a deposit on a second-hand car to live in.

Jake McGuinness, 31, said he’d always dreamed of unlocking his four-figure superannuation nest-egg so he could get a foothold in the secondhand car market.

“I remember getting paid super for a couple of months in 2016, and then again briefly for a job I did in 2019. So I’m sitting on a goldmine really,” he said.

“With this new 40% rule, I’ll be able to unlock just under $1400 – so I’ve got my eye on a sweet one-bedroom 2002 Ford Falcon without an engine”.

Woman relieved she’ll finally be able to drain her super to help increase house prices

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 16/05/2022 - 9:23am in

Melbourne woman Ashley Dawson has welcomed the Government’s new election pledge which will finally allow her to fuck up her retirement savings.

“I thought I’d missed my chance to be honest,” Dawson, 34, said after the policy was announced. “I was resigned to the fact that I might never be able to do my bit to push up property prices in one of the world’s most expensive markets. I’m just pleased that there’s a party out there that’s going to give me an opportunity to compromise my future while contributing to the nation’s housing affordability crisis”.

The Melbourne-based physiotherapist said she had recently looked at her superannuation balance and was concerned it was getting too high. “Just last week I was thinking, ‘How can I compromise my future financial security?’ and ‘Will I ever be able to play a part in pushing up the nation’s property prices?’ And now this new policy will allow me to do both.

“At last I have a chance to buy an inflated studio apartment in outer Bendigo which I’ll have to sell down the track to make up for the fact that I’ve got no super”.

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Mate who owns Bitcoin reckons he’ll be able to retire by age 85

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 13/05/2022 - 12:16pm in

A friend who got into crypto a few months back reckons he’ll be able to quit his dayjob and retire before he’s 100, maybe later.

Reece Robertson, 28, took out a loan to buy $20k worth of Bitcoin in November after listening to a podcast which promised crypto would totally change the way he thinks about wealth creation. “And it totally has. I’ve never lost so much so quickly before. Who would’ve thought turning real money into imaginary coins could go wrong?”

Robertson said he researched a lot before getting into the market. “I watched this video called ‘How crypto can massively transform your retirement plans’ and it’s totally true. I planned to retire by 60, but now that I’m into crypto, that number’s out by at least 25 years”.

He said he had taken a diversified investment strategy. “I’m not an idiot – I’m not just invested in Bitcoin. I’ve put $10k into Ethereum and another $5k into Dogecoin cos Elon Musk told me too. So I’ve played it pretty safe”.

Greens voter exhausted from constantly being right

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 4:53am in

A Greens voter from Newtown says being right about absolutely everything takes its toll, but he doesn’t see a break coming any time soon.

“It would be nice to be wrong once in a
while, just to see how it feels, just to take a break from all this
correctness. But unfortunately I won’t have that luxury,” Jeremy Barton-Smythe told
journalists.

He said constantly being right was exhausting. “In a conversation once I tried to be wrong on purpose, just for something to do. But I ended up being right anyway, which was annoying,” he explained.

Barton-Smythe agreed there were a lot of complex issues out there, with many nuances and different perspectives. “There are so many different viewpoints. I just seem to constantly be choosing the correct one, which does get boring after a while”.

Asked who he believes will win the
election in his seat, Barton-Smythe said, “Whom. Whom do I believe will win the election”.  

Child has tray of muesli and milk to spill all over your bed

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 08/05/2022 - 1:46am in

The only thing better than having your young children wake you up with overcooked eggs on cold toast with a cup of tea to spill over your bed, is them not doing that, the nation’s mothers have confirmed.

“I do love awkwardly balancing a tray full of messy food items and hot liquids on my knees while pretending to enjoy myself for the benefit of my kids who are jumping up and down on the mattress next to me. But there is just one thing I love more – having a bowl of cereal while seated at a table,” Melbourne Mum Lucy Tanner said.

Perth mother of two Sarah Chan said eating lying down – while a potential choking hazard – is a great way to start the morning. “I do look forward to being able to prop myself up uncomfortably on a pillow while I accidentally spread butter onto my new sheets while counting down the minutes until it is socially acceptable to say I really need to go to the toilet. But if I’m being totally honest, there’s something I look forward to even more, and that’s going out for breakfast,” she said.

“But interest rates were 17% in my day!” complains man who bought house for $67,000

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/05/2022 - 1:33pm in

A 63 year old man who bought his first inner-city four-bedroom house for under $70k in the 1980s says young people complaining about interest rate rises don’t know how good they’ve got it.

“Back then we had to save up for weeks, just to get enough for a deposit!” John Bradly from the eastern Melbourne suburb of Camberwell said.

“And then, once we had our house, my generation didn’t have anyone helping us to pay off the mortgage. It was just us and our salaries, which were only about one fifth of the value of the average home back then!

“It took my more than seven years to pay off my first house. Seven years! I was practically in my thirties by the time I was debt free. Can you imagine? Being beholden to a bank for your entire twenties! I’m pretty sure no-one in their twenties these days has to go through that”.

Bradly said young people simply didn’t know what hard worked looked like. “Try managing tenants across eleven investment properties scattered around Melbourne and Sydney during a global pandemic. That’s what hard work is!”

Calls to scrap mandatory requirement to post photo of COVID test on social media

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 05/04/2022 - 3:19pm in

There are growing calls to end the requirement for every single fucking person you follow on social media to post an image of their COVID-19 rapid antigen test result.

Human interest groups say the mandatory post no longer serves any purpose and needs to be reconsidered. “It’s become unnecessarily tiring, time-consuming and annoying – and that’s for the people posting the images. Spare a thought for those of us who have to scroll through a hundred of them,” Monica Ko, an expert on the issue, said.   

“I think we all were on board with the rule in late 2021 when it was first introduced, but it’s time to move on now”.

She has also called for the ‘Guys, I’m pregnant’ caption to be phased out immediately. “It places a heavy burden on friends and family to respond saying it’s a funny and original joke. We want to be able to free people up from having to do that,” she said.

Victorian Premier Dan Andrews said the requirement would not be changing any time soon. “I think we can all agree that it’s a funny joke, which is why we’re asking Victorians to keep doing it for a little longer”.

Family to spend $4.75 petrol excise windfall on buying half a broccoli

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 29/03/2022 - 12:16pm in

The McMillon family in Sydney’s West will celebrate the unexpected cash injection from Josh Frydenberg’s petrol excise cut by buying a small portion of a staple vegetable from their local Woolworth’s this week.

With petrol prices set to tumble by an expected 15 cents a litre, many families will now be able to afford luxuries, like food.

“Consider our cost-of-living pressures eased! We’re splashing out!” a jubilant Sally McMillon explained after hearing about the budget windfall, which she expects will save her north of $4 a week.  

She said the family had their eye on a capsicum too. “Although it looks like we’ll need to save up for that”.  

Conversations About House Prices Up 23%

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 21/03/2022 - 4:25pm in

Figures released today show that the number of conversations about house prices continues to rise in Australia, with social gatherings in some suburbs becoming simply unbearable. Conversations were up 23.7% across the country compared with last year, with the growth even higher in Melbourne and Sydney.

Robert Erskine from The Real Estate Conversations Institute said there were no signs of a slowdown in discussions about how a run-down three bedroom semi-detached townhouse sold for double what it would’ve five years ago. “There are still some suburbs where you can attend a social function without conversations about house prices, but it’s becoming more difficult,” he said.

Mark Fitch from Richmond in Melbourne’s east, says he knows a guy who went out with friends in North Fitzroy three years ago where there were just four conversations about house prices. “If he went out there with friends today, there’d be minimum six, probably seven conversations. It’s just crazy”.

“That’s nothing!” said Mark’s friend Jenny, before telling her own, really interesting story.

Simone Hannity from Sydney’s Inner West said she feared being shut out of conversations with friends if she didn’t have a pithy anecdote about how a knockdown in Redfern went for 40% above reserve. “I’m in my mid thirties and I don’t have a single thing to say about property, and I’m starting to wonder whether I ever will. It’s getting harder and harder to join in social groups if you don’t give a shit about house prices,” she said.

Worker celebrates creation of 8-hour workday by working 12-hour public holiday shift

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 14/03/2022 - 4:01pm in

Melbourne café worker Sarah Debanski has once again been given the choice of punching out a 12-hour shift on a public holiday or losing her job, in what she described as a fitting way to commemorate Labor Day in Victoria and the creation of the 8-hour workday.

Struggling to catch public transport due to public holiday timetables, Debanski said waking at 5:45am and arriving home around 9:00pm was probably what labourers had in mind when they downed tools in Melbourne in the 1850s to demand shorter working hours, leading to the 40-hour work week and the Labour Day commemoration.

“Being available at any given moment, even when I’m not given shifts, having shifts cancelled at the last minute, and having to make unreasonable demands, like not having to choose between paying rent and eating food, is what Labour Day is all about,” she said.

Debanski said the 12-hour public holiday shift is an ancient tradition, with its roots stretching back to medieval Europe where serfs worked dawn to dusk. “Although at least they didn’t have to deal with anti-vaxxers”.

More as the shift drags on.

By Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

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