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Government announces new ‘Bring your Prime Minister To Work Day’

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 16/05/2022 - 8:22am in

A new Federal Government initiative, modelled on the successful ‘Bring Your Child To Work Day’, will see Australians encouraged to bring their little Prime Minister with them when they go to work, so he can see what it’s like first hand to do a full day’s labour.

Employment Minister Stuart Robert said the program was a chance for the Prime Minister to learn what the adults do all day, in a safe and managed setting. “It’s like Bring Your Kid To Work Day, but with more dress-ups,” he said.

“We’re keen to get Scott into as many workplaces as possible before the election, so whatever your line of work is, consider bringing Scott along. Manufacturing, agriculture, obstetrics – they’re all great. But obviously if it involves distinctive uniforms, big machines or dangerous equipment that’s preferable”.

Robert insisted the time commitment for the workplace would be minimal. “We’ll be in and out in ten minutes. Just put Scott in the uniform, put a lethal tool in his hand and point him at something flamable. Once we get the photo we’ll be out of your way”.

To apply to have Scott Morrison at your workplace, visit the $20 million Scotty Has A Go website.

By Sarah Vincent

“I can’t stand Scott Morrison either,” Scott Morrison says in new pitch to voters

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 13/05/2022 - 3:38pm in

The PM has shown how in touch he is with everyday voters by pointing out that he absolutely hates Scott Morrison, just like they do.

“I’m just an ordinary, everyday Australian who has a mortgage, likes a beer and fucking loathes Scott Morrison,” Morrison said today.

“I’m no different from Jane in Chisholm, or Terry in North Sydney, or Frank in Parramatta, who I’ve spoken to these past few weeks. Regular Aussies who are just trying to put food on the table and avoid thinking about the absolute cock of a bloke who’s running the country”.

Morrison said you didn’t need an empathy consultant to understand what it’s like to have a PM that makes your skin crawl. “I’m with you. I’ve lived it, just like you have”.

He said only he could truly empathise with ordinary Australians about what it’s like having Scott Morrison as PM. “Labor only has to deal with me during business hour. I’m inside my head 24/7. It’s exhausting”.

PM pledges extra $60 million to cover cabinet members’ sexual harassment claims

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 13/05/2022 - 10:13am in


the nation, satire

Scott Morrison has continued to splash the cash ahead of the federal election, with a new policy that will see taxpayers continue to pay for the mystery settlements of senior ministers accused of misogyny, bullying or sexual harassment.

With a $500,000 settlement due to be paid to an accuser of backbench minister Alan Tudge, the PM said the Government had to plan for the future.

“This could be just the tip of the iceberg. How much money will we need to pay out future claims of harassment and assault? Around $60 million according to the latest modelling”.

The PM said the fully-costed policy showed the Coalition had a plan for the future. “The Labor party has accused us of not being forward-thinking and ignoring inflation. Well, that’s simply not true.

“The fund covers exponential, inflationary growth of secret, legal settlements to our staffers for up to the next three years! We’re calling it the Secret Reimbursal for Extramarital Coitus Write-offs fund, or SCREW for short”.

A budgetary forecast for SCREW is a new challenge for the Parliamentary Budget Office (PBO) who plotted projected increases on “The Tudge Diagonal”. A member of the PBO explained, “Unfortunately, there is a large margin of error based on the government covering shit up for as long as possible”.

The government has once again been accused of “pork barreling”, but for a change, it’s because a bunch of actual, fucking pigs will be the ones who benefit from it. Alan Tudge was unreachable for comment as he was in hiding or a staffer.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Morrison says minimum wage shouldn’t rise given entry-level cleaners already on $550k

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 12/05/2022 - 9:30am in

The PM has rejected calls for a 5.1% increase to minimum wages, arguing that getting half a mil for pushing a mop around a basketball court for three minutes is already a pretty good deal.

“Some people are getting paid a hell of a lot of money to perform basic tasks. I know a hairdresser who’s on six figures, and he’s just the junior washing hair. God knows what the actual cut and colour people are getting,” Morrison said.

“There was another guy I knew who worked part time as a water boy for a rugby league team and he was on over $500k. And I know a welder who’s on six figures and he hasn’t even done basic training. So this idea that unskilled workers need a pay hike is probably a bit silly. I think they’re doing ok”.

Mr Morrison is paid $549,500 per year to be Prime Minister, which works out at about $275,000 an hour.

Fiona Martin apologises to Penny Wong for Tu Le mix up

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 11/05/2022 - 4:26pm in

Liberal Party MP Fiona Martin has addressed an embarrassing gaffe during a radio interview, in which she mixed up her Labor opponent Sally Sitou with other Asian Australian Tu Le. Martin said it was merely a slip of the tongue and confirmed she had called Penny Wong immediately after the interview to apologise.

“Things got a little heated in the 2GB interview with Penny earlier today, and at one point I did mistakenly suggest she had been a candidate in Fowler,” Martin said.

“Penny left as soon as the interview had finished so I didn’t get a chance to apologise in person, but I did give her a call later and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about”.

Martin is fighting to hold the Western Sydney electorate of Reid, which according to Martin has a large Asian population of at least three different people.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has defended his MP, saying he himself only knew of the Labor candidate due to her appearance on season six of MasterChef.

Get your copy of The Shovel’s downloadable election guide

Alan Tudge found alive

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/05/2022 - 2:58pm in

Police have thanked volunteers and rescue workers after former Education Minister Alan Tudge was found alive and breathing this morning. He has been missing since February this year.

Tudge was said to be barely coherent and unable to answer basic questions, but otherwise appeared to be physically sound. Locals in the electorate of Aston have been searching for signs of Mr Tudge for months, but without success.

While pleased that Tudge, 51, has been found, medical professionals say they are concerned for the MP’s health. “He doesn’t seem to know what his job is. He wasn’t able to recall basic facts. He doesn’t even remember why taxpayers have been forced to pay $500,000 to a former staffer who alleges he harassed her. We’re worried it’s amnesia,” one doctor said. A second doctor said a basic check of vital signs also revealed Tudge had no sense of responsibility.

A Government spokesperson confirmed that a sense of responsibility was not necessary for working on the front bench.

“Only a Liberal government can be trusted to spend time thinking about the genitalia of young Australians”: Morrison

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/05/2022 - 1:43pm in


the nation, satire

The Prime Minister has used a press conference to remind Australians that only a Liberal government can be trusted to spend time thinking about the genital regions of young Australians.

Defending comments made by Warringah candidate Katherine Deves, Mr Morrison said that the private parts of Australians was a significant issue and that he devoted a lot of time to thinking and talking about it.

“I’m not a surgeon, I’m not the Chief Medical Officer. But that doesn’t stop me thinking about your child’s sex organs,” he said, denying it was deeply weird for a Prime Minister to be concerned about such issues.

“It’s not weird at all. We had a strategy meeting just the other day and we said, ‘kid’s private parts is an important election issue, and it’s what Australians expect us to be thinking about’.

Morrison said the Liberal Party had always been about staying out of people’s lives. “Unless it’s to do with transgender children, in which case we’re very, very much into their lives”.

Journalist tests Albanese’s commitment to women by asking him to name every woman in Australia

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 10:56am in

Following the announcement of a range of new measures designed to help women, Labor leader Anthony Albanese has been asked to prove how committed his party actually is to the issue by naming Australia’s female population in alphabetical order.  

As the Opposition Leader floundered, several journalists questioned how serious the party was about its policy of closing the gender pay gap if its leader couldn’t even name the people it was designed to benefit.

“You can’t name them, can you Mr Albanese?” one journalist shouted. “It’s a very simple question. It’s your own policy and you can’t name the people it will affect. Extraordinary”.

As Albanese struggled to bat away the barrage of questions, an aide handed him a copy of the electorate roll, which he began to read out. “Well, you’ve got Aaliyah Aabe, and Abby Aackroyd, and then there’s …”

“You’re reading from notes!” a journalist shouted. “You don’t even know your own policy!”

Albanese later apologised for the gaffe.

In a radio interview, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he could name every woman in Australia, reciting off the top of his head the name of his wife Jenny and his three girls.

Morrison flawlessly recites Coalition’s zero-point climate policy

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 06/05/2022 - 1:21pm in


the nation, satire

In another impressive media performance, the Prime Minister has successfully recalled all zero points from his party’s climate change plan, showing once again his command over detail during election campaigns.  

Touring a cheese making facility while dressed as an airline pilot, Mr Morrison expertly responded to rapid-fire questions from journalists.

Asked by one broadcaster if he could recite the detail of the Government’s climate policy, Morrison confidently said ‘Yep’, before pausing briefly and then taking the next question.

The PM was also able to reel off the Coalition’s zero-point plan for stopping corruption, as well as its no-step strategy for tackling housing affordability, in what has been described as a commanding performance.

Morrison then led journalists on a tour of a pretend supermarket where he pointed to and correctly named a range of fruits and vegetables.

Get The Shovel’s 38-page guide to the 2022 Election

Albanese stumbles on the atomic mass of calcium

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 06/05/2022 - 9:18am in


the nation, satire

Opposition leader Anthony Albanese has been caught out again, this time being unable to list the atomic mass of the important element calcium, leaving some questioning whether he has what it takes to be Prime Minister.  

The Labor leader, who had correctly recited the atomic mass of the first nineteen elements on the periodic table, stumbled when he got to calcium, saying, “The atomic mass of calcium is fifty … fifty-five point … sorry I don’t know what it is”. The atomic mass of calcium is of course 40.078.

Journalists were quick to jump on the gaffe, with one asking, “How can you expect voters to trust you to run the country if you have no idea about this important element? Can you even list the calcium isotopes?”

One news report said it would be difficult for voters to trust Labor’s health policy if the party’s leader didn’t have a handle on the basic building blocks of healthy foods. “Calcium acts as an electrolyte and is vital to the health of the muscular, circulatory, and digestive systems,” the newsreader said, reading from an autocue that had been written using Wikipedia.

Albanese later fronted the media again to apologise for the gaffe, saying he had now memorised the entire periodic table, and it was time to draw a line under the saga. A journalist agreed it was time to move on, asking him to name the capital of Burkina Faso.