New England

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Barnaby Pulls A ScoMo And Takes The Week Off From Parliament

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 27/07/2022 - 8:33am in

The Opposition’s shadow Minister for Affairs both Home and Foreign Barnaby Joyce has decided to pull a ScoMo and skip the first week of Parliament.

”If it’s good enough for Scott to take a week off then why not me?” Asked the former deputy PM. ”I have worked hard in the best interests of myself, err, this Nation and deserve a break.”

”Sure, I will miss out on meeting all the new talent that’s assembled in Canberra but plenty of time later to press the flesh so to speak.”

When asked if he felt it was appropriate to be paid and not do his job, the member for New England said: ”The people elected Barnaby and they are getting Barnaby.”

”They know that it’s not in my or my families best interests to be left alone on the prowl in Canberra.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to make sure the flood victims don’t steal my water.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Politicians Should Have Diplomatic Immunity Declares Barnaby Joyce

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 08/06/2022 - 7:00am in

Australia’s former Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce has written in an opinion piece in which he suggests that politicians, particularly opposition front benchers, should have diplomatic immunity, to help them get on with the job.

“I, as a member of parliament should be able to walk down Pitt St and shoot someone or pinch them on the butt, if I like,” said the Member for New England. ”What sort of world do we live in when there’s an expectation that politicians should be accountable?”

”Bloody nanny state is what this country is turning into!”

When asked why he was so scared about a Federal ICAC and what he had to hide, the Member for New England said: ”Oh, not me! I’m an open book, trust me. People know when Barnaby is on the prowl!”

”But, you know, sometimes things happen like i’s not being dotted, t’s not being crossed, or $100k turning up in an undeclared bank account.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and chain myself to the Speakers chair in an effort to stop the ICAC legislation going through.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Barnaby Denies Giving Littleproud A Wedgie

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 30/05/2022 - 8:08am in

Aspiring shadow Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has denied giving his colleague David Littleproud a wedgie this morning and insisted it was just a miscommunication.

”Look David asked me if his tie was straight and it wasn’t, so I endeavoured to fix it for him,’ said the member for New England. ”He went left, I went right and next thing you know his undies are over his head.”

”These things happen, we move on.”

When asked how he was feeling ahead of today’s leadership spill, former Minister Joyce said: ”A bit nervous, you know I do have families to think of and it’s a big pay cut not being in the top job.”

”Here’s hoping my colleagues see sense and go with me being in the tent pissing out rather than out of the tent pissing in.”

”Speaking of which I’m off to drain the lizard before the meeting.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Barnaby Asks Swinging Voters To At Least Let Him Poll Them

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 19/05/2022 - 8:16pm in

Australia’s deputy Prime Minister (for now) and aspiring Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has pleaded with swinging voters to give him a chance and let him poll them.

”I know a lot of Australians don’t like me, but today I’m asking for them, well some of them to just give me a chance,” said the Member for New England. ”All I want to do is spend election day polling swingers and well who knows where it’ll lead.”

”You never know, if it’s a tight election I might get to have Scotty over a barrel. Surely then he’d lose the bonk ban.”

When asked what his gut was telling him about the upcoming election, the Member for New England said: ”My gut is telling me no more curries from Scott, err, ScoMo.”

”Jokes aside, the Australian people have to make a decision that will drastically effect the future.”

”For instance, if we lose Government I’m over on the Opposition benches and that means a big pay cut.”

”How am I going to look after my families, I’ve got wives to look after.”

”It’s harder to rort when you’re not in Government.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Barnaby Calls For More Funding For Future Single Mothers

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 7:00am in

Aspiring Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has called for an increase in funding for future single Mothers, in a move that he feels may help the Coalition with their female problem.

”We need to make sure we look after those in the community, like single Mothers, who are doing it tough,” said the Member for New England. ”Who knows what the future will hold for any of us.”

”I mean if the bonk ban were to be lifted that could definitely change a lot of people’s personal circumstances.”

When asked why he was so concerned with single Mothers and the bonk ban, the Deputy Prime Minister (yep, really) said: ”No one pays more attention to single Mothers in this country than I, Barnaby Joyce.”

”I love nothing more than heading around town and pressing the flesh with all the new young Mums around town.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I see there is a new Mother’s group meeting down the road, might go and do a bit of polling.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Barnaby Asks PM If The Bonk Ban Applies When In Opposition

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 08/04/2022 - 8:09am in

Aspiring shadow Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has asked the PM if the contentious (for Barnaby) bonk ban would apply to the Coalition if/when they lose Government and are in Opposition.

”What can I say, I like to plan ahead and well it’s unclear whether or not the bonk ban applies if we’re not in Government,” said the Member for New England. ”I assume it doesn’t and will act accordingly until I am leaked otherwise.”

When asked why the bonk ban was so important to him as opposed to winning the election, the Member for New England said: ”The bonk ban is one of the most pressing issues facing this country today.”

”How can Australians feel safe and secure knowing that their politicians are not free to go around and bonk their staff?”

”It’s inhumane.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and scout for new talent to work under me.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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