Woman With Christmas Shopping Already Done Overdoses On Smugness

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 26/11/2019 - 8:14am in


A woman is in a critical condition in a Sydney hospital after taking an overdose of smug whilst declaring to her friends that she had completed all of her Christmas shopping several weeks before the event.

“A female was admitted to intensive care with heightened levels of superiority in her blood stream as well as a patronisation reading of .24,” said Dr Rudolph Mistletoe from the ER department of Royal Prince Alfred Hospital. “In her pockets we found several empty packets of gift tags and two unused Christmas stamps.”

The woman, identified as Loftus resident Christine Kringle, had earlier been boasting to friends that she had finished all of her Christmas shopping by mid November and had sent out cards to every cousin, aunty, overseas acquaintance and work colleague.

“Unfortunately at this time of year we get many cases of people overindulging in smugness whilst letting all and sundry know how well organised they are about buying presents,” said senior constable Donna Blitzen from the NSW Smug Squad. “People should make themselves aware of the warning signs that a friend or family member is an early Christmas shopper. Are they buying packs of ten cards at the Boxing Day sales? Is there a significant rise in the levels of internet shopping during August and September? Do they have secret drawers of gift wrapping paraphernalia? Are they walking around the house with little bits of sticky tape on the ends of their fingers in October? If you’re being asked to put your finger on knot before the start of the cricket season I’d suggest planning some kind of an intervention.”

Doctors are hoping to lower the patient’s smugness levels by steering conversation away from Christmas and asking her if she has any plans for New Year’s Eve.

“Unfortunately if she’s already booked herself a hotel room overlooking Sydney harbour where she can see the fireworks we may be too late to save her.”

Peter Green

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Coles Release Series Of Collectable Mini Choked Sea Animals

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 17/07/2019 - 11:30am in


Supermarket chain Coles has announced that following on from the success of its mini collectable grocery items it will be releasing a series of mini collectable sea creatures that have choked on discarded plastic shopping bags.

“Shoppers will be able to collect such items as a tiny replica loggerhead sea turtle with a Coles plastic bag stuck halfway down its gullet,” confirmed Coles marketing executive Ray Markup. “The range will also include an octopus with its legs trapped inside a plastic bag, a dugong with a plastic bag caught on its flipper and a red footed booby with its neck caught in the handles of a plastic bag.”

“I’ve got three spare mini stormy petrels with plastic bags in their windpipe that I’m willing to swap for a rare mini wandering albatross with a plastic bag wedged in its lower intestines,” said desperate shopper Fiona Flybuys. “I’m hoping to get a mini dolphin with a plastic bag in its blowhole next time I spend thirty dollars and then I’ll have the complete set.”

There have been reports of rare collectables from the ‘Little Choke’ range selling for as much as $300 on e-bay to obsessive collectors.

In response, rival store Woolworths has been considering giving away its own range of collectable mini dairy farmers who’ve been sent to the wall by spiralling farm gate prices for milk.

Peter Green

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