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US Officials Can Guard Against Havana Syndrome With This Innovative Home Solution

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 22/10/2021 - 12:01am in

As the dire threat of Havana Syndrome gains increasingly widespread acknowledgement, the US government employees who’ve been finding themselves targeted by these attacks are desperate for a way to protect themselves from this electromagnetic menace.

Luckily, scientists at the Pentagon’s Defense Advanced Research Agency have devised an innovative new solution to this peril which anyone who feels they may be in danger of Kremlin microwave beams can implement using a common and inexpensive household product.

Here is a step-by-step breakdown of the simple prophylactic measure that experts are recommending for US diplomats, CIA operatives, government officials, wealthy media pundits, and anyone else who fears they may fall victim to GRU ray gun attacks:

First, you will need a roll of standard aluminum foil.

Second, lay out an arm span’s length of the foil. Don’t be stingy; your neurological wellbeing may depend on it.

Next, fold it in half. Doubling the layers adds extra protection from Kremlin radiation blasters.

Gather the foil around your head, careful to leave no vulnerable part of the cranium exposed.

Now pack down the foil over your skull. Be thorough now; you don’t want to let Russian brain phasers turn you into an idiot.

Manually adding two antennae helps your foil helmet deflect pulsed microwaves.

And there you have it. Not today, Ivan! You’ll have to try your dastardly Kremlin mind tricks on somebody less clever.

Experts highly recommend all western government officials make use of a Havana Syndrome deflector helmet for the foreseeable future, as well as all intelligence operatives, all major media figures, and anyone who just generally feels as though Russians pose a major threat to their way of life. It should be worn 24 hours a day, even when sleeping and bathing, because those lapses in cranial security are precisely when they’ll get you.

Scientists are now reportedly seeing promising research which suggests that Havana Syndrome rays can also be deflected by a rainbow-colored wig supplemented by white face makeup and a red ball on the nose.

So it turns out we here in the free world are a step or two ahead of the Kremlin. Nice try, Mister Putin. You’ve got to wake up pretty early in the morning to make fools out of us.

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Christian Porter Becomes New Yellow Wiggle After Group Reveals They Were Behind $1 Million Blind Trust

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 21/10/2021 - 9:34am in

Tags 

Featured, satire

Former Attorney General Christian Porter will be leaving politics to become the new yellow Wiggle, after the group revealed they were behind Porter’s $1 million legal fund and were now ‘calling in a favour’.

It is believed Mr Porter was unaware of the identity of the donor until yesterday, when he was told he would need to repay the debt and don the yellow skivvy and ribbon.

There were always concerns the blind trust would leave Mr Porter open to bribery or coercion, but experts say they didn’t expect it to come from a children’s musical group.

“There were fears the funds may have come from organised crime, or a foreign government, which would have left Mr Porter open to corruption or unwitting involvement in criminal activity. As it turns out, he’s instead been the victim of a prank, which is much, much funnier,” one anti-corruption expert said.

A key figure in Question Time over many years, Mr Porter has extensive experience in children’s performance. However unlike many of the Wiggles’ fans, he is yet to learn about taking responsibility for his actions.

He begins rehearsals with the group this week.

Joyce Tells ScoMo Don’t Drink Any Water On The Way To Glasgow As The Nat’s Own The Rights

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 20/10/2021 - 8:38am in

Australia’s acting Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce has told his colleague Scott Morrison not to drink any water on the flight to Glasgow, as the Nationals own the rights to it.

The water rights on planes were gifted to the Nationals as part of the deal to commit to net zero.

”I wish the Prime Minister well on his trip to Glasgow and if he gets thirsty I suggest he buy a beer,” said acting Prime Minister Joyce. ”Of course, he can have a water but he’ll have to pay for it if he does.”

”Scott, err ScoMo, knows that we’ll charge him a fair price.”

When asked why he would sell off the water rights on planes to the Nationals, Prime Minister Morrison said: ”I reject the premise of your question.”

”We did a deal for this Nation’s future. A future that will benefit people greatly. Sure, those people are the National party but they are still people.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, as part of the deal I agreed to serve the party lunch once a week. Where is my French maid’s costume?”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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Amazing! This Baby Born At The Start Of Victoria’s Lockdown Will Be Back In Time To Sit Year 12 Exams

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 19/10/2021 - 4:18pm in

Tags 

Featured, satire

Eighteen-year-old Jackson Thurgold, who was born at the start of Victoria’s short, sharp lockdown, says he is pleased the state will be opening up in time for him to sit his final exams next month.

“It’ll be good to see the school I went to. I might try and drop into see what my primary school looked like too,” he said.

Thurgold said lockdown 6 had had its ups and downs. “Remember when it looked like we might get out of lockdown early on? I think I was like 7 or 8 at the time, that was great. But the last nine or ten years have felt like a bit of a slog”.

He said it felt like the end of an era. “Mum’s always telling the story about how she had me on the same day that Dan announced the 7-day lockdown. And now, here we are all this time later and I’m finishing school at around the same time as lockdown is finishing. It’s a nice symmetry actually,” he said.

The year 12 student, who hopes to go to university next year, said there were a lot of people he was looking forward to meeting in person for the first time. “My best buddy from year three, my first crush from year 7 – there are a lot of people it’ll be great to see face to face. I’ve lost touch with some of my primary school mates from the early lockdown days, but hopefully we can catch up for a beer at some point”.

US ‘Declares War’ On Climate Change, Australia Immediately Agrees To Help Fight It

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 19/10/2021 - 9:18am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Scott Morrison has committed to achieving net zero by 2025 and says Australia will contribute whatever resources necessary to defeat climate change, after the United States declared war on the issue late last night.

Australia had been refusing to make any commitment to take climate change action, but made a rapid about face after President Biden’s announcement.  

In a televised address to the nation, Prime Minister Morrison said Australia stood side by side with its closest ally and was ready to act immediately. “This is a fight that affects every one of us. We stand ready and willing. Australia will do whatever it takes to help defeat this evil force,” he said.

The change in language from President Biden came after an aide suggested it would be the best way to get Australia to commit to a net zero target. “We were throwing around ideas of how to get Australia to play its part on tackling climate change, and an adviser says, ‘just say it’s a US-led war and they’ll immediately sign-up to do anything’. Even we were surprised by how quickly it worked,” a White House source said.

Jenny Morrison Shames Scott Into Doing Dishes By Buying Times Square Billboard

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 18/10/2021 - 7:32pm in

Saying it seemed like the only way to get her husband’s attention on important issues these days, Jenny Morrison has bought a large format billboard in New York’s Times Square in the hope of shaming him into doing the dishes.

The ad, which simply read “Do the fucking dishes, Scott”, ran for ten minutes and cost $16,000, the majority of which was funded with Australian taxpayers.

Ms Morrison has been a vocal critic of the PM’s position on domestic (duty) policy, saying, “He agreed to be the one to wash up if I was the one who cooked, but there has been no effort to honour that agreement.”

She says her husband has also tried to bring forward credits from previous cleaning efforts from past years, and has made vague promises that all the dishes will be gone by 2050.

While world leaders in other countries have committed to Net Zero targets with their spouses regarding dirty dinnerware left in the sink from the night before, Morrison has been unyielding in his efforts to skirt difficult questions, often falling back on the excuse that he was “just letting the casserole dish soak.”

The billboard has already seen a change in the PM’s behaviour. Although he originally had no plans to meet with Jen to discuss their delegation of duties, he changed his mind thirty minutes after the billboard went up.

By Akita Davidson Jr

(with apologies to Dan Ilic)

‘Nationals Have Only Had 8 Years To Make Last-Minute Decision On Climate Change’, Barnaby Says

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 18/10/2021 - 12:30pm in

Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce says it is unreasonable to expect his party to throw together a coherent climate change policy at the last minute given he was only made aware of the issue twenty years ago, and has only been in government for eight of those.

Asked about his party’s position on climate, Mr Joyce became frustrated. “I’ve literally only been in politics for sixteen years mate. This is a complex issue. We’ve got to come to a consensus within the party about this, and that’s not something you just do at the drop of a hat with less than a decade’s notice.

He said there was unreasonable pressure on his party to provide a policy. “We’re not the Government, mate. Well, we are, but only recently. What do people want? For this to be cobbled together at the eleventh hour in less than three parliamentary terms?

“This issue only came across my desk in 2005, and I can assure you, it’s not the only thing to come across my desk since then. But like I’ve always said, I try to keep my personal life out of politics”.

By Jess Nicholson

Perrottet Confirms Scott Morrison Will Represent Australia At COP26 Climate Talks

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 17/10/2021 - 1:52pm in

Scott Morrison – a mid-level bureaucrat from the south Sydney electorate of Cook – was told this week that he will be attending the Glasgow climate talks on Australia’s behalf, after a decision by new leader Dominic Perrottet.

Mr Perrottet, who also announced changes to Australia’s border policies this week, said Mr Morrison was chosen because he had a clear diary next month. He said he was awaiting for final approval from the National Party before signing off on the appointment.

Critics say the decision to send a junior member of government shows Australia isn’t taking the issue of climate change seriously. “This Morrison person has very little influence or sway within his own country, he seems an odd choice to send to a national conference,” one government source said.

Mr Perrottet said Morrison would be there on behalf of all Australian fossil fuel companies. He also announced that Australia would be reverting to its former deal with France to build submarines.

Man Announces Plan To Do His Job

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 15/10/2021 - 5:06pm in

A Sydney man has called a press conference to announce that he will be attending work next month.

The 53-year-old had been deliberating for weeks about whether to go to work for a few days in November and – after consultation with his wife – confirmed today that he would be doing so.

In a televised press conference, followed up by a media release and a round of radio interviews, he said he should be congratulated for choosing to carry out the tasks listed on his job description.

“One of the tough things about being in this job, is that there’s often this expectation from people for you to actually do things,” he said.

“As I’ve always said, it’s not my job to do my job – that’s someone else’s responsibility. But on this occasion, I’ve decided to do roll up my sleeves and lend a hand, to chip in. Because that’s what Aussies do:.

He said he hoped to tie in a side trip to visit the grave of a relative he’s never met.

Banksy Reveals Latest Installation

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 15/10/2021 - 8:00am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Celebrated street artist Banksy has unveiled his biggest project yet – a full-scale parody of a parliamentary system, perched on a hill in the Australian town of Canberra.  

Called simply ‘The Australian Government’, critics have described the giant installation as ‘absurd, alarming and on the whole massively disappointing’.

The project has been shrouded in secrecy for years, with many locals assuming the building was a serious place of work. “When it was revealed today as a Banksy piece, it all made sense,” one Canberra local said.

An interactive art piece, visitors can view surreal live performances called ‘Question Time’ or have sex in the ‘prayer room’.

In a quirk that could only be conceived by Banksy, the piece is actually paid for by taxpayers but owned by mining companies.

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