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NSW residents facing fourth once-in-a-hundred-year event since last January

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 04/07/2022 - 8:18am in

As flood waters continue to rise across the state, residents of New South Wales are weathering their fourth once-in-a-lifetime event since the start of last year.

Penrith resident Helen McMannis said she would be telling the grandkids about the floods of 2022, after she’d finished telling them about the floods of 2021, and the floods and bushfires of 2020.

“I haven’t seen a weather event of this scale during a Sydney summer since summer,” she said.

Jude Johnson, whose property was burnt down two years ago before being covered with a dust storm, then flooded, then overtaken by mice, said his street was underwater yesterday.  

“I remember the last once-in-a-hundred year event like it was just last year. You won’t see something as bad as this again, until something worse comes along in a few months,” he said.

The Shovel is hiring a trade commissioner for New York

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 01/07/2022 - 9:38am in

We are seeking a suitably-qualified industry expert with impeccable credentials and extensive industry experience to be appointed as our New York trade commissioner, before being replaced at the last minute by John Barilaro. 

This is an exceptional opportunity for someone with previous experience in a comedic organisation who is looking to advance their comedy career. Please see full details below and share with anyone who you think might be interested.

To be considered for this role, please donate a large amount of money to The Shovel.

APPLY NOW!

Local nurse pays more tax than mining company

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 30/06/2022 - 10:48am in

A Brisbane nurse completing her tax return has calculated that she contributed $13,000 in annual tax payments this year, approximately $13,000 more than the average multi-national mining company operating in Australia.

Sarah McAdam, who earns around $70,000 a year, said it was reasonable that she would pay more tax than a company that earned in excess of $7 billion. “They’re doing it pretty tough out there. They’ve got bills to pay, essentials to buy. And the price of accountants is going up and up. So it totally makes sense that someone on a middle income would be asked to contribute more to society”.

George Belcos who runs a nearby takeaway chicken shop, said he could also see why he was contributing more in tax dollars than a company with 26,000 global employees. “My business relies on local infrastructure, like roads and footpaths, to operate properly, whereas they’re only extracting non-replaceable national resources and contributing to the heating of the planet, so I can see the difference”.

Governor General weirdly slips in plug for Bet365 during official speech

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 30/06/2022 - 9:06am in

Governor General David Hurley has continued to demonstrate his promotional skills, casually mentioning ‘Bet365’s superior odds’ during a morning tea welcoming the ambassador of Slovenia.

In the official speech to welcome the foreign dignitary, the Governor General said Australia and Slovenia shared a common goal of peace and prosperity and punters should check out the odds on a same game multi for tonight’s Brisbane v Western Bulldogs clash.

“Our two nations continue to build strong bonds based on community ties and growing trade relations. And get paid out in full if your team is up at half time, even if they lose,” he said.

After some small talk and an official photograph, the Governor General shared a gift – a selection of Australian wine and a $50 bonus bet. “It’s been a pleasure to welcome you to Admiralty House, and remember, bet responsibly,” he said.

According to his schedule, the Governor General will spend the afternoon fulfilling his constitutional duty to provide comfort and support for Australians struggling to find a good builder for their home extension.

Man demands 4 personal staffers to work out how to use MyGov

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 29/06/2022 - 10:06am in

A Melbourne man has called on Anthony Albanese to provide each Australian with a team of personal staff to help manage the additional workload created by the hellhole government website MyGov.

Robert Tralore, 32, said he’d ideally need eight staff to properly understand the website, but would settle for four. “One to remember my username and password, one to work out how the hell to use the website, one to wait on hold when I call customer support, and one to provide mental health support when I receive an email telling me I have a message in my MyGov inbox”.

He said personal staffers were important to ensure a functioning democracy. “I had to take a week off work last year just to link my MyGov account to Medicare. It took me another week to work out how to access my vaccination certificate. Think about the impact that has on the economy”.

A spokesperson for online Government services said Australians were welcome to make an application for personal staff. “Just logon to MyGov, enter your unique 17 digit code, link your Medicare account to your mother-in-law’s Centrelink account, activate your Veterans Affairs record, type in the last eight digits of your tax file number, then call the phone number on your screen”.    

Liberal Party calls crisis meeting after census reveals 1 in 2 Australians is female

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 29/06/2022 - 9:03am in

The Liberal Party has been totally blindsided by census data released this week which revealed that the female population in Australia is more than three times what the party had previously thought.

“We’ve been working on the assumption of a 10-15% female population proportion for the past nine years – this has taken everyone by surprise,” a senior strategist dressed in a high vis vest driving a dump truck said.

He said those within the party were shocked at how quickly Australia had changed since the election. “Before the election Australia’s makeup was very clear: 60% tradies, 20% footballers, 10% ladies and 10% homosexual Marxists. I’m not sure how the demography of the country has changed so quickly”.

Opposition leader Peter Dutton said it was clear where the blame lay. “That’s Labor for you. They’re in power for five weeks and all of a sudden the country is falling apart”.

Only 83% of Australians identify as influencers, new census data shows

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 28/06/2022 - 1:55pm in

Surprising new census data released today shows that only four in five Australians identify themselves as wellness, beauty or lifestyle influencers, leading many to question what the remaining one in five is doing with their time.

The unexpected finding means that there are around two million Australians who are not providing advice on how to live your best life, leading to fears of a content shortage in the future.

Social researcher Mikala Greesham said that with only sixteen million blogs, websites, Instagram and Tiktok accounts to use as a resource, it was hard to know where Australians were getting the advice they needed to nourish their body, mind and spirit and restore balance in their lives.  

“There really is an opportunity for a savvy entrepreneur to take advantage of this gap in the market”.

US Supreme Court releases list of approved sexual positions

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 27/06/2022 - 1:06pm in

In a much-anticipated announcement, America’s highest court has released the list of sexual positions permissible by law, providing further clarity for millions of citizens about what to do with their own bodies.

The nine different choices are all variations of the missionary position, which was believed to be Jesus’s favourite.

The court stipulated that alternative positions may be considered, but only with written approval of the husband and a majority ruling of the court. “In the rare case that an alternative is allowed, Justice Clarence Thomas will be present to view the intercourse, to ensure a contravention has not occurred,” a court spokesperson said.

If a couple is found engaging in unapproved positions, the wife will be sentenced to life in prison and the husband will be allocated another wife. Unmarried or same-sex couples will be executed.

Republicans welcomed the decision, saying it was another way that they were getting government out of the lives of citizens.  

Rupert Murdoch already has a new Tinder profile

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 24/06/2022 - 9:18am in

Tags 

local news, satire

Newly single and with a spring in his step, media mogul Rupert Murdoch was back on the prowl this morning, with a brand new profile on dating site Tinder.

"Swipe far right if you're interested"

Qantas to phase out passengers, in new plan to improve service

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 22/06/2022 - 9:22am in

In a new strategy that it says will slash wait times at airports and eliminate lost luggage completely, national carrier Qantas announced today that it will begin to phase out passengers on flights, with a zero-passenger target set for 2025.

CEO Alan Joyce likened the move to the removal of smoking from aircraft in the 1980s, and said the plan was the result of a top-to-bottom review of Qantas’s service. “We’re always looking for ways to remove inefficiencies from the system so we can offer a more streamlined, frictionless service. When we looked closely at what was slowing us down, again and again it came back to one thing – passengers”.

Joyce said responding to customer feedback was central to developing the new plan. “Our customers told us they get frustrated when their baggage ends up in a different city. They told us it’s unfeasible to wait on hold for 8-hours to speak to our call centre. By removing passengers from the equation, we’re confident these issues will become a thing of the past. We’ve listened, we’ve heard, we’re acting”.

The CEO told shareholders that the plan would eventually lead to greater cost efficiencies, with less reliance on pilots, flight attendants, baggage carriers, caterers, engineers and airport staff. But he rejected claims the airline didn’t have Australians’ interests in mind. “Change can be scary, but this is about modernising our service for the future. We removed smoking from aircraft in the 1980s and no-one thinks twice about that now. This is no different”.

Qantas will receive $1.5 billion in federal government funding to assist with the transition.

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