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Morrison confirms he couldn’t even be fucked pinching RATs someone else had ordered

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 11:26am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

The Prime Minister has categorically denied claims the Commonwealth was requisitioning rapid antigen tests from businesses, saying there’s no way he could be arsed with the paperwork required.

“Mate, I didn’t have the resourcefulness to order vaccines in 2020 when Pfizer emailed me, literally begging me to buy them. So the idea that I’d go to the effort to organise for someone to seize tests from other companies is just fanciful. Do you know how much work that would be?” a bemused Scott Morrison told a press conference today.

“I mean, just think of the effort involved. I’d have to be aware of the fact that businesses had bought RATs in the first place – that would require me to read a briefing or something. Then I’d have to work out when the RATs were arriving. Then I’d have to have the ingenuity to come up with the idea of taking them. And then I’d have to get Jenny to make phone calls to Federal agencies to organise to intercept the tests. You’ve gotta be kidding me”.

Pressed by journalists claiming there was evidence that the Government had seized stock, Morrison laughed. “It’s so ridiculous. I mean just look at what month it is – it’s January! Everyone knows I don’t work in January. Or February. That doesn’t sound like me mate”.

Morrison rebukes criticism: “Don’t blame me, I didn’t do anything!”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 10:08am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Scott Morrison has issued a formal non-apology to Australians, saying he can’t possibly be responsible for the shortfalls in supply chains, exploding COVID case numbers or the lack of rapid tests because he’s had nothing whatsoever to do with any it.

Speaking to journalists this morning, Morrison said it’s absurd for him to be held accountable for something he hasn’t done. “You’ve seen queues, you’ve seen rising cases, you’ve seen pressures on hospital systems, you’ve seen disruption to supply chains, you’ve seen shortages of tests. I haven’t spent a single minute on any of these issues.

“These are all problems for someone else. Someone else who can’t have a fish flown in from Humpty Doo amid supermarket shortages. We’re waiting for whoever they are, to put their hand up and solve this problem for us. The clock is ticking!” 

He said it his team was looking into who was responsible for the country’s current situation. “As the old adage goes, failure to plan is someone else’s fault, probably Labor’s.”

Treasurer Josh Frydenburg rushed to the defence of the PM saying, “This is not a special case – we are seeing the same problem all over the world. Just look at the UK. It just can’t be helped and has nothing to do with similarly dogshit leadership from someone who fell arse-backwards into a Prime Ministership after their boss resigned.”

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Anti-vaxxers hold emergency meeting to prepare new excuses, after provisional approval of Novavax

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 9:10am in

An emergency meeting of vaccine sceptic Australians has been ALL CAPS typed into Telegram groups after Australia granted provisional approval for the use of the Novavax vaccine.

Many have said they are holding off on getting vaccinated until the arrival of Novavax, and will now have to invent new elaborate conspiracy theories to explain why they will avoid getting jabbed.

“It was a pretty solid plan to begin with. Even we could see this government was terrible at organising anything that might be needed to contain COVID. The Government forgetting to order Pfizer vaccines was a huge win for us ­­– it meant we didn’t need to start making excuses for ages.

“But this is the fourth vaccine they’ve approved now, it gets tricky every time we need to move the goal posts,” a spokesperson for the group said.

Some in the group are already claiming that Novovax was developed by Hillary Clinton as a way of controlling people’s votes in the next Presidential election. Others say Novovax includes an ingredient which forces you to like Tom Hanks.

“I thought Novovax was going to be ok. But it turns out it’s imbedded with a chip that downloads Microsoft 365 into your elbow. No thanks”.

By Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

“Toddlers should be allowed to drive forklifts”, says toddler in charge of country

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 8:26am in

Children should be allowed to operate heavy machinery, 53 year-old little boy Scott Morrison says.

While the plan has been met with criticism, experts say the change would bring child labour laws in line with other areas of society. “There are inconsistencies in the legislation. It is confusing why a child can’t drive a forklift, given they can be elected to the nation’s highest office,” employment analyst Trisha Bourke said.

“Some people may say it’s inappropriate for a child to operate heavy machinery, but no-one seems to have noticed that a child has been operating the country for the past three and a half years”.

Unions were quick to comment, saying that driving a forklift and driving a medium-sized economy are not suitable activities for children. “There’s a risk that they might fall asleep at the wheel,” a spokesperson said.

They went on to say that, “we disagree with the concept of child labour in general however if we can find someone half as good at stacking pork as the current PM is at pork-barreling then why the fuck not.”

Scott Morrison was unavailable for further comment as he was on time-out due to shitting his pants after being told he could not have McDonald’s for dinner.

By David from The ‘Berran

Desperate ScoMo Considering Knighthood For Disgraced Prince Andrew

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 8:02am in

Prime Minister Scotty from marketing has been sounding out his colleagues over potentially knighting the recently demoted Prince Andrew.

”Scott, err, ScoMo is desperate for something to distract the public from all his recent failures,” said a Government Insider. ”He thought he was onto something with the getting kids to drive forklifts brain fart that he had yesterday.”

”However, that really only distracted the Twitterati for an afternoon, so why not knight a disgraced Prince.”

When asked why the PM was constantly looking for a distraction or an announcement rather than just doing his job, the Government Insider said: ”Well being PM’s hard, it’s not the type of job that could be done by an 8 year-old.”

”Actually, now that I think about it, maybe an 8 year old would do a better job.”

Would definitely poll better than the current PM, I mean who doesn’t like an 8 year old.”

”Well, maybe someone who lost their job to an 8 year old.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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Toddler masters big slide, ready for crane license, Morrison says

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 20/01/2022 - 12:53pm in

The Morrison government’s proposal to let children operate forklifts to help with supply chain issues across Australia comes as good news to some. Such as toddler, Bailey Adamson (age, “this many”) who this week mastered the big slide at the playground and has stated he’s ready for his crane license.

“I want the blue cup, also I want to drive the crane and I want a balloon from the man over there” explained Adamson before making truck noises and running around the sandpit.

The idea for children to operate cranes appears to have been drafted during Josh Frydenberg’s fever dreams while he was on leave with Covid 19. The plan is supposed to help with supply chain issues along with other great ideas from the same fugue state such as letting asymptomatic people carrying a virus handle raw chicken for the public.

Frydenberg has criticized the media for over catastrophizing the idea of children operating forklifts. “Of course, we mean teenagers, who as we know are famous for making good, rational decisions behind the wheels of heavy machinery and we’re confident that most of them have not been ripping gravity bongs.”

When asked if the age should perhaps be lower than that of teenagers, Bailey Adamson, was unavailable for further comment as he had a mouthful of playground sand and his Mum said it was nap time.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Tonga tsunami crisis: Morrison commits one million curry recipes

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 20/01/2022 - 8:51am in

Tags 

World, satire

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has pledged to send a million additional Indian and Sri Lankan curry recipes to tsunami-hit Tonga, in an initiative he says will help lift the spirits of those affected. The recipes are on top of those already announced last week.

In a press conference this morning, Mr Morrison said that what Tongans need right now is food. “And I’m sure New Zealand will take care of that. But there’s not much point having food if you haven’t got a cracking recipe to use it on. After all, it’s curry night!”

The PM said that his team was working around the clock to put together videos and Instagram posts which can be sent directly to emergency workers on the ground in Tonga. “They’ll need to put together the ingredients themselves of course. But I find that’s half the fun. Well, at least watching Jenny put together all of the ingredients is half the fun”.

Morrison said he had spoken with his Tongan counterpart Siaosi Sovaleni. “I’ve wished him and his country all the best and passed on my heartfelt belief that a good curry should simmer for at least 2-3 hours”. He also suggested flying in barramundi from Humpty Doo in the Northern Territory.

Djokovic begins French Open preparations, with plans to contract COVID in early May

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 18/01/2022 - 9:13am in

World number one Novak Djokovic has put the controversies of the Australian Open behind him and is now fully focused on the defence of his French Open title, saying preparations are already under way for him to contract COVID again in the coming months.

Touching down in Belgrade last night, Djokovic said he and his coach had already switched attention to the year’s second grand slam. “I’m feeling really good right now. We sat down last night and started to map out a plan for my title defence and the things I’ll need to prepare. There’s definitely still a lot of work to be done – constructing a COVID-19 diagnosis out of thin air isn’t easy – but I’m confident if we put the right processes in place we’ll be ready to go for June”.

The 20-time major winner said he and his team would look to iron out some of the weaknesses from his Australian Open tilt. “We’ve gone back and analysed the game plan from Melbourne. Submitting a COVID test with the wrong time stamp certainly let me down, so I’ll be going out there and constructing hundreds of fake COVID test results each day to try and get that part of my game perfect”.    

He said one of the keys to success in tennis is timing. “Is early May the best time to have COVID, or am I better getting it in April to make my recovery seem more realistic? Should I get the test result for May now, or wait a little longer? These are the sorts of things that my team and I will be going through in the coming weeks”.

Australians annoyed that English cricketers can get test results within 3 days

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 17/01/2022 - 2:33pm in

With PCR test results taking up to a week and rapid antigen tests impossible to find, Australians are furious that English cricketers seem to be the only group in the country able to get a negative test result so quickly.

Sydney resident Andrew McIntosh said it showed a total lack of fairness. “I lined up in Sydney for a test on the 5th of January and still haven’t got a result. Yet somehow Joe Root and the English cricket team can just waltz down to Hobart and get a negative outcome in under 18 hours. It’s ridiculous”.

He pointed out that the English had also received a sub three-day result in Melbourne just two weeks before. “I’ve got a mate who had a test on Boxing Day too. He would’ve loved to have had it all sorted in 2.5 days”.

Melbourne woman Felicity Frampton said she’d been stuck in a queue all day waiting to get a test. “There was more movement in the first half hour in Hobart than I’ve had in this queue all day”.

Headline by Peter Tovey

Australian Government to cancel Nadal’s visa to keep focus off RATs shortage

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 17/01/2022 - 8:30am in

Saying it was running out of new and peculiar ways to shift the focus from its inability to plan for the Omicron wave of the virus, the Government has confirmed that it will move to cancel the visa of crowd favourite Raphael Nadal, and hadn’t ruled out deporting Australian number one Ash Barty if that’s what it takes to distract from the COVID crisis.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison said they were left with no other option but to boot the Spanish champ. “We’ve re-announced a $3.5 billion tank purchase, destroyed diplomatic ties with France, said teachers should be sacked for being gay and totally ballsed up the deportation of the world’s number one tennis player. But while these things worked as a distraction for a while, the fact is we still haven’t got any RATs, supermarket shelves are still empty, and Peter Dutton’s monthly declaration of war with China isn’t due until next week. So sorry Raph, you’re out”.

Immigration Minister Alex Hawke said choosing Nadal was a straight-forward decision. “The sane thing to do with a popular player who has hasn’t done anything wrong would be to do absolutely nothing and just let him play. So we obviously we can’t do that”.

Asked if a war with Serbia was possible given the fallout over the Djokovic case, Immigration Minister Alex Hawke said, “I certainly hope so. A war would be a really great distraction right now”.

Nadal will be arrested on centre court this afternoon.  

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