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Alan Tudge found alive

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/05/2022 - 2:58pm in

Police have thanked volunteers and rescue workers after former Education Minister Alan Tudge was found alive and breathing this morning. He has been missing since February this year.

Tudge was said to be barely coherent and unable to answer basic questions, but otherwise appeared to be physically sound. Locals in the electorate of Aston have been searching for signs of Mr Tudge for months, but without success.

While pleased that Tudge, 51, has been found, medical professionals say they are concerned for the MP’s health. “He doesn’t seem to know what his job is. He wasn’t able to recall basic facts. He doesn’t even remember why taxpayers have been forced to pay $500,000 to a former staffer who alleges he harassed her. We’re worried it’s amnesia,” one doctor said. A second doctor said a basic check of vital signs also revealed Tudge had no sense of responsibility.

A Government spokesperson confirmed that a sense of responsibility was not necessary for working on the front bench.

“Only a Liberal government can be trusted to spend time thinking about the genitalia of young Australians”: Morrison

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/05/2022 - 1:43pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

The Prime Minister has used a press conference to remind Australians that only a Liberal government can be trusted to spend time thinking about the genital regions of young Australians.

Defending comments made by Warringah candidate Katherine Deves, Mr Morrison said that the private parts of Australians was a significant issue and that he devoted a lot of time to thinking and talking about it.

“I’m not a surgeon, I’m not the Chief Medical Officer. But that doesn’t stop me thinking about your child’s sex organs,” he said, denying it was deeply weird for a Prime Minister to be concerned about such issues.

“It’s not weird at all. We had a strategy meeting just the other day and we said, ‘kid’s private parts is an important election issue, and it’s what Australians expect us to be thinking about’.

Morrison said the Liberal Party had always been about staying out of people’s lives. “Unless it’s to do with transgender children, in which case we’re very, very much into their lives”.

Channel Nine concedes including leaders in debate format was mistake

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 12:53pm in

Tags 

satire

The Nine Network has responded to a barrage of criticism about the second leader’s debate last night, admitting that including Scott Morrison and Anthony Albanese in the format made the debate difficult to watch.

“It was an unnecessary gimmick that distracted viewers from our promos and QR codes. It was difficult for viewers to glean anything about the major parties’ policies,” a statement from the network read.

A spokesperson agreed that there was too much going on during the broadcast. “We tried to pack a lot into the format, and maybe we were a little too ambitious in our approach. We’ve since had a look back at the tapes and it’s clear to us that by removing Scott Morrison and Anthony Albanese the whole thing would’ve been a lot more palatable”.

Political analyst Emma Richelle agreed the format was unwatchable. “There was shouting, interrupting, a lack of decorum – and that was just from the panellists”.

The third and final debate will be hosted by Channel 7, moderated by the judges from The Voice.  

Journalist tests Albanese’s commitment to women by asking him to name every woman in Australia

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 10:56am in

Following the announcement of a range of new measures designed to help women, Labor leader Anthony Albanese has been asked to prove how committed his party actually is to the issue by naming Australia’s female population in alphabetical order.  

As the Opposition Leader floundered, several journalists questioned how serious the party was about its policy of closing the gender pay gap if its leader couldn’t even name the people it was designed to benefit.

“You can’t name them, can you Mr Albanese?” one journalist shouted. “It’s a very simple question. It’s your own policy and you can’t name the people it will affect. Extraordinary”.

As Albanese struggled to bat away the barrage of questions, an aide handed him a copy of the electorate roll, which he began to read out. “Well, you’ve got Aaliyah Aabe, and Abby Aackroyd, and then there’s …”

“You’re reading from notes!” a journalist shouted. “You don’t even know your own policy!”

Albanese later apologised for the gaffe.

In a radio interview, Prime Minister Scott Morrison said he could name every woman in Australia, reciting off the top of his head the name of his wife Jenny and his three girls.

Morrison announces new plan to restrict inflation by relentlessly talking over top of it

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 8:54am in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

The Coalition will restrict any future inflation by shouting at prices until they no longer have the will to live anymore.

The policy – announced by Mr Morrison at the second leader’s debate during the middle of an answer by Anthony Albanese – will involve the Prime Minister simply shouting “NO!” and “I REJECT THAT!” every time a price thinks about rising.

“It’s very simple,” Mr Morrison said while the Labor leader was outlining a policy about cost of living pressures. “When we see that prices might be going up we’ll interject and simply won’t allow the price to do anything at all”.

A panelist began to ask a question about the detail of the policy but was unable to finish.

On the economy, Morrison promised his Government would deliver three years of constantly interrupted growth.

Get The Shovel’s Armchair Election Guide

Greens voter exhausted from constantly being right

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/05/2022 - 4:53am in

A Greens voter from Newtown says being right about absolutely everything takes its toll, but he doesn’t see a break coming any time soon.

“It would be nice to be wrong once in a
while, just to see how it feels, just to take a break from all this
correctness. But unfortunately I won’t have that luxury,” Jeremy Barton-Smythe told
journalists.

He said constantly being right was exhausting. “In a conversation once I tried to be wrong on purpose, just for something to do. But I ended up being right anyway, which was annoying,” he explained.

Barton-Smythe agreed there were a lot of complex issues out there, with many nuances and different perspectives. “There are so many different viewpoints. I just seem to constantly be choosing the correct one, which does get boring after a while”.

Asked who he believes will win the
election in his seat, Barton-Smythe said, “Whom. Whom do I believe will win the election”.  

Child has tray of muesli and milk to spill all over your bed

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 08/05/2022 - 1:46am in

The only thing better than having your young children wake you up with overcooked eggs on cold toast with a cup of tea to spill over your bed, is them not doing that, the nation’s mothers have confirmed.

“I do love awkwardly balancing a tray full of messy food items and hot liquids on my knees while pretending to enjoy myself for the benefit of my kids who are jumping up and down on the mattress next to me. But there is just one thing I love more – having a bowl of cereal while seated at a table,” Melbourne Mum Lucy Tanner said.

Perth mother of two Sarah Chan said eating lying down – while a potential choking hazard – is a great way to start the morning. “I do look forward to being able to prop myself up uncomfortably on a pillow while I accidentally spread butter onto my new sheets while counting down the minutes until it is socially acceptable to say I really need to go to the toilet. But if I’m being totally honest, there’s something I look forward to even more, and that’s going out for breakfast,” she said.

Morrison flawlessly recites Coalition’s zero-point climate policy

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 06/05/2022 - 1:21pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

In another impressive media performance, the Prime Minister has successfully recalled all zero points from his party’s climate change plan, showing once again his command over detail during election campaigns.  

Touring a cheese making facility while dressed as an airline pilot, Mr Morrison expertly responded to rapid-fire questions from journalists.

Asked by one broadcaster if he could recite the detail of the Government’s climate policy, Morrison confidently said ‘Yep’, before pausing briefly and then taking the next question.

The PM was also able to reel off the Coalition’s zero-point plan for stopping corruption, as well as its no-step strategy for tackling housing affordability, in what has been described as a commanding performance.

Morrison then led journalists on a tour of a pretend supermarket where he pointed to and correctly named a range of fruits and vegetables.

Get The Shovel’s 38-page guide to the 2022 Election

Albanese stumbles on the atomic mass of calcium

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 06/05/2022 - 9:18am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Opposition leader Anthony Albanese has been caught out again, this time being unable to list the atomic mass of the important element calcium, leaving some questioning whether he has what it takes to be Prime Minister.  

The Labor leader, who had correctly recited the atomic mass of the first nineteen elements on the periodic table, stumbled when he got to calcium, saying, “The atomic mass of calcium is fifty … fifty-five point … sorry I don’t know what it is”. The atomic mass of calcium is of course 40.078.

Journalists were quick to jump on the gaffe, with one asking, “How can you expect voters to trust you to run the country if you have no idea about this important element? Can you even list the calcium isotopes?”

One news report said it would be difficult for voters to trust Labor’s health policy if the party’s leader didn’t have a handle on the basic building blocks of healthy foods. “Calcium acts as an electrolyte and is vital to the health of the muscular, circulatory, and digestive systems,” the newsreader said, reading from an autocue that had been written using Wikipedia.

Albanese later fronted the media again to apologise for the gaffe, saying he had now memorised the entire periodic table, and it was time to draw a line under the saga. A journalist agreed it was time to move on, asking him to name the capital of Burkina Faso.

Barnaby Tells ScoMo: End The Bonk Ban Win The Election

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 05/05/2022 - 8:38am in

Australia’s next Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has told the PM that the reason that they are doing so badly in the polls is due to the contentious (only to Barnaby) bonk ban.

”Bloody, Scott, err, ScoMo, needs to realise that sex sells,” said the Member for New England. ”Sure it doesn’t fly in those inner city latte sipping seats, but who cares about them.”

”The people in the bush wanna know that their member is on the job, in more ways than one.”

When asked why given the rising cost of living and interest rate rise that he felt that the bonk ban was the most important issue to deal with, the Deputy PM (for now) said: ”You people in the Canberra bubble need to get out more.”

”People care about who’s bonking who. They want their MP’s happy and sexed up.”

”They know that interest rates will go up and down, they’re more concerned that MP’s like me are able to go up and down.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and pound the pavement and potentially press the flesh.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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