satire

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Petrol station going to need a few weeks to pass on price change it took a few minutes to pass on last month

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 30/03/2022 - 10:20am in

Saying that price changes can’t just be made at the drop of a hat, a local petrol station has told customers that the effect of the Government’s 20 cent-per-litre excise cut will take at least a couple of weeks to filter through to the bowser.

Petrol station owner Dan Balwin, who was selling petrol for $1.40 a litre earlier this year, said prices don’t just go up and down like a yoyo. “There’s this idea that we can just change the price whenever we want. That as soon as we hear news of a change in market conditions we have the ability to instantly adjust the sign out the front of the station in anticipation of what’s coming.

“The fact is, it doesn’t work like that. Unless of course when the price is going up, in which case it always works like that”.

He said there was a misunderstanding about how the pricing system operated. “To change the price on a petrol station sign there’s this dial you need to turn – either up or down. For some reason turning it up is really easy – it almost turns itself. But if you want to turn it the other way, you need to give it two weeks’ notice, fill out a form, do a three-day OH&S safety course and then slowly massage the dial as you turn it, so it doesn’t get frightened. It’s quite a complex process”.

Family to spend $4.75 petrol excise windfall on buying half a broccoli

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 29/03/2022 - 12:16pm in

The McMillon family in Sydney’s West will celebrate the unexpected cash injection from Josh Frydenberg’s petrol excise cut by buying a small portion of a staple vegetable from their local Woolworth’s this week.

With petrol prices set to tumble by an expected 15 cents a litre, many families will now be able to afford luxuries, like food.

“Consider our cost-of-living pressures eased! We’re splashing out!” a jubilant Sally McMillon explained after hearing about the budget windfall, which she expects will save her north of $4 a week.  

She said the family had their eye on a capsicum too. “Although it looks like we’ll need to save up for that”.  

Will Smith apologises to Academy for Wild Wild West

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 29/03/2022 - 8:44am in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

Will Smith has finally broken his silence, apologising for a what he described as an ‘appalling misjudgement’ and ‘a low point in film industry history’ for his 1999 film Wild Wild West.

In an emotional 45-minute speech, Smith asked for forgiveness from The Academy, his fans and his family for the film which one review described as ‘a 107-minute Technicolor aneurysm … of design-ideas, soundtrack-styles, FX flourishes, rewrites and mismatched performances’.

“I’m sorry you had to see that. No-one should have to see that. I don’t know what I was thinking,” he said.

Smith said there was no excuse for going ahead with the movie. “When I saw the script, I should’ve taken a deep breath, counted to ten and then moved on with my day. Instead, I went ahead with the movie, turned down the role of Neo in the Matrix and then recorded a Wild Wild West soundtrack single that totally ruined a Stevie Wonder song for no good reason. I am so sorry”.

Smith is yet to apologise for Bad Boys II.

Scott Morrison wins ‘Best Actor’, ‘Best Costume Design’ at Academy Awards

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 28/03/2022 - 4:49pm in

Full-time actor and part-part Prime Minister Scott Morrison has swept this year’s Academy Awards, taking out a swag of gongs including Best Costume Design, Best Actor in a Supporting Role, Best Script and Best Editing.

A prolific performer, in the past year alone Morrison has played a builder, army tank driver, truck driver, racing car driver, Indian chef, netballer, footballer, basketballer, rugby player, tennis player, cricket trainer, hairdresser, welder and pilot.

But critics said his most impressive acting achievement was his transformation from a rich rugby-union-supporting landowner from Sydney’s eastern suburbs to a rugby league obsessed bogan from The Shire. “The way he can just put on a Sharkies hat and then instantly transform into this totally different character from suburban Australia – it’s amazing,” one critic said.

While Morrison has never actually had a leading role, his zany costumes and slapstick acting mean he often gets the most screen time. “I’m basically acting the whole time. I’ll do anything, say anything, put on any costume, if it helps with the narrative,” he said.

Morrison does all of his own stunts, supported by a team of makeup artists, image management consultants and scriptwriters. He said he is willing to take on just about any role, although made it clear he would never hold a hose.

New Oscars format to see ceremony streamed in twelve x 24-minute episodes

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 28/03/2022 - 11:01am in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

Saying it was simply responding to changing viewing habits, The Academy of Motion Pictures has confirmed its 94th awards ceremony will be released as twelve short bingeable episodes on Disney+, rather than subjecting viewers to a four-and-a-half hour unwatchable slog.

A spokesperson for The Academy said hardly anyone watches feature-length productions anymore.

“No-one wants to sit through something that runs for hours on end with no discernible plot – at least that’s what people have told me about The Power of The Dog. But also, no-one wants to watch celebrities wearing $25,000 outfits lament third-world poverty for four hours straight without a bathroom break in between”.

All twelve episodes will drop today. Episode five and six will be entirely taken up by a Sean Penn speech about the symbolic parallels between the war in Ukraine and his role in the 2009 film Milk.

“I’ve never even heard of Brian Houston,” Morrison says

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 24/03/2022 - 4:27pm in

Following reports that Hillsong leader Brian Houston has been stood down from his role for ‘acting inappropriately’ with women, Prime Minister Scott Morrison says he’s never even heard of the guy.  

“Sorry, Brian who?” Morrison said when quizzed on his relationship with the controversial religious leader today. “Nup, sorry, not ringing any bells. Wouldn’t know the guy if he was standing next to me on a stage at Qudos Bank Arena in front of 30,000 people at a Hillsong Conference in 2019, I’m afraid”.

Pushed further to recall detail of the decades-long friendship between the two men, Mr Morrison said he was coming up blank. “I mean, apart from referring to him in my maiden parliamentary speech, inviting him to travel with me to meet the President at the White House, and regularly calling him for ‘spiritual guidance’ whenever I’ve forgotten to respond to an epidemic or natural disaster, I can honestly say I’ve never heard of the guy.

“I mean, I’ve heard of the city in Texas obviously. Is that what you mean? No? Ok, I’ll have to ask Jenny then. Maybe she’s stood on stage with him at Sydney’s largest football stadium, saying a prayer for Australia”.

Morrison later responded to pressure to reveal further detail, saying he would set up an inquiry to determine whether he knows Brian Houston or not.

Australia calls out Russian crimes against humanity, quietly covers Nauru with bedsheet

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 24/03/2022 - 10:46am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

The Australian government has denounced Russia’s human rights abuses in Ukraine, discreetly draping a large bedsheet across the islands of Nauru and Manus and then standing in front it, in the hope that no-one would notice they were there.

When questioned about what the government was hiding, Prime Minister Scott Morrison and Defence Minister Peter Dutton both replied, ‘What? I don’t know what you’re talking about’ before reverting to the party line, “We do not comment on beneath the sheet matters”.

Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce did begin to reveal what he claimed to be beneath the sheet matters. However it soon became clear he had misunderstood the context when he began giving a graphic description of his Friday night at home.

The criticism of Putin’s forces came after the Russian military failed to honour safe passage corridors for Ukrainian civilians who were attempting to leave and cross the border. Foreign Affairs Minister Marise Payne explained the situation without a hint of irony, “What we have is refugees seeking asylum from their war-torn country and it appears that there is a force at the border that is trying to stop them. A Border Force™ if you will”.

For now, it appears that the Australian Government will choose not to reflect on its own horrible treatment of human beings and instead, barely hide the issue, like a satire writer putting a crooked lampshade over his bong during a rental inspection this morning. 

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

ScoMo To Use $5 Billion Disaster Relief Fund To Fix His Public Image

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 23/03/2022 - 8:12am in

Australian Prime Minister (for now) Scott Morrison has pledged to get his hands dirty and dig into the Government’s $5 billion disaster relief fund to help fix his broken public image.

”It hasn’t been an easy couple of years for Australians,” said the PM. ”A lot of them are looking to blame their troubles on me when they should be looking elsewhere like at Labor and the Greens.”

”After all, it wasn’t me there holding a hose, I was elsewhere.”

When asked why the people of Australia should be looking to blame Labor when they have not been in power for 9 years, the PM said: ”I reject the premise of your question.”

”Labor is the Opposition, that’s their job, to oppose me.”

”Australians want their PM to do well. They want him to ham it up at the footy, have a crack at welding or don a hi-vis vest just because.”

”How am I meant to do all that if I have to constantly rock up to interviews and argue against Labor.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear a tree fell on the road down the street. I need to get there to tell the press how I saw Albo push it over.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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How white is the Great Barrier Reef? We’ve made a handy scale

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 22/03/2022 - 4:02pm in

There’s been a lot of talk recently about the continued whitening of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef. But how white are we talking? Is it as white as a Wes Anderson film night at a craft brewery in Fitzroy? Or more like a Coldplay concert at a farmers’ market? Or, is it getting so bad that it’s more like a conversation about a southern cross tattoo by a conspiracy theorist at a One Nation BBQ? Our handy new alert system is here to help.

Dutton says new Australian Space Force will search galaxy for unauthorised boats

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 22/03/2022 - 8:50am in

Warning Australia had to remain alert to the full range of threats posed by people arriving on boats, Defence Minister Peter Dutton today announced the establishment of a new Australian space force that will search the outer galaxy for signs of unauthorised vessels.

In a speech today, Mr Dutton said boats arriving in Australia remained the biggest threat to our quality of life and smashing the business model of people smugglers was the nation’s top priority.

“The last thing we want to do is give people smugglers a free ride by allowing them to come in the back door,” he said. “As we know, they will try all sorts of cunning tactics to land on our shores, whether that’s sneaking in via Christmas Island or slipping in the back door via Venus”.

Under the plan, Australia will spend $200 billion on a fleet of space ships which will patrol the region between Australia, Mars and Venus, turning back any boats they intercept. Mr Dutton did not rule out setting up a detention centre on the moon.

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