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Furious protester demands to know what the fuck he is protesting about

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 24/01/2022 - 8:43am in

Holding a range of ‘No Lockdown’, ‘QAnon’, ‘My body my choice’, National Rifle Association and Nazi placards, as well as an Aboriginal flag and a quote from the United States Constitution, a demonstrator in Melbourne says he will be here every weekend until someone tells him what on earth he is protesting about.

Shouting “What do we want? To work out why we’re here! When do we want it? Before we inexplicably turn up again next weekend!” John Tallis, 49, joined others in the crowd demanding answers.

“I’m livid,” he told the crowd over a megaphone. “Week in, week out we come here into the city and still no-one can tell us why. Well it’s time for Dan Andrews to stop withholding this information from us. It’s a breach of the 1949 United Nations Declaration of Human Rights and we’ve had enough!”

Mary Wetherby, also in the crowd, said she too had had enough. “I look around at other people going out to pubs and nightclubs and it begs the question, what the actual fuck am I doing here? That’s why I’m here today. Enough lies. I want answers”.

Anonymous Officials Claim There’s An Evil Russian Plot Again But The Evidence Is Secret Again

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 24/01/2022 - 1:19am in

Tags 

News, satire, Russia

Listen to a reading of this article:

https://medium.com/media/3c53e7b41135814971d9fa1d26e582c3/href

Major western news publications are running a story about a sinister plot by the Russian government, and — you may want to sit down for this — the sources of the report are anonymous, and the evidence for it is secret.

The New York Times reports that according to anonymous individuals within the US and British governments, Russia is currently plotting to topple the existing government of Ukraine in some way using some method and then somehow install a puppet regime that is sympathetic to Moscow using some sort of means. What specifically those means and methods might be are not revealed to us in this very serious news report.

“The communiqué provided few details about how Russia might go about imposing a new government on Ukraine, and did not say whether such plans were contingent on an invasion by Russian troops,” the Paper of Record informs us. “British officials familiar with the situation, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the intent was both to head off the activation of such plans as well as to put Mr. Putin on notice that this plot had been exposed.”

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Now if you are hoping to be provided with some sort of evidence for these incendiary claims, I’m afraid I’m going to have to disappoint you, because get this: the journalists reporting on this story have not seen any evidence. Apparently they’re just passing on unverified government assertions made by unknown spies to their readers because they were told to, which I guess is something journalists can do now?

I know, I know, I was a little surprised when I learned that too. But here it is, straight from the horse’s mouth:

“The British communiqué provided no evidence to back up its assertion that Russia was plotting to overthrow the Ukrainian government,” the Times reports.

You will be reassured however to learn that despite the actual evidence of the actual Russian nefariousness being kept invisible to us, anonymous officials within the US government have reviewed the intelligence gathered by anonymous British spies for us and concluded on our behalf that the evidence is solid.

“In Washington, officials said they believe the British intelligence is correct. Two officials said it had been collected by British intelligence services,” The New York Times informs us.

You see that? These claims about a devious Russian conspiracy have been confirmed by anonymous government operatives in both the US and the UK. That’s two separate, completely unconnected governments independently verifying that these claims are true. That’s called independent corroboration, gentlesirs. Basically the same as ironclad proof.

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It does seem a little strange to me, though, that after taking great license to report anonymous government assertions without evidence The New York Times seems to take issue with the Russian government making unevidenced claims.

“Russian officials have repeatedly denied any intention of launching an attack against Ukraine, dismissing such accusations as ‘hysteria’ and claiming without providing evidence that it is the government in Kyiv that is seeking to escalate tensions,” write the article’s authors.

When this report came out I was a bit surprised by the way unproven claims by anonymous government sources are treated as actual news stories for grown adults to read instead of empty nothing stuff to be ignored and flushed down our mental toilet tubes, as I’m sure you were too. But I did a little digging and it turns out that this sort of thing is actually quite commonplace within western news media institutions, like when we were told without evidence that the Russians were plotting a false flag operation in Ukraine, or like when we were told without evidence that the Russians are using high-tech ray guns to scramble the brains of US diplomats and spies and it turned out to be baseless, or like when we were told without evidence that the Russians were paying Afghan resistance fighters to kill western occupying troops and it turned out to be false and wrong, or like when we were told without evidence that Russians interfered in the United States election and it monopolized all news reports and political discourse for years, or like when we were told without evidence for years and years that Russia was about to invade Ukraine any minute now and then it kept not happening.

I’m sure this time is different, though. After all that practice and all that trial and error, I’m sure our trusted news media institutions have perfected their craft and are now masters at reporting the truth.

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Morrison confirms he couldn’t even be fucked pinching RATs someone else had ordered

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 11:26am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

The Prime Minister has categorically denied claims the Commonwealth was requisitioning rapid antigen tests from businesses, saying there’s no way he could be arsed with the paperwork required.

“Mate, I didn’t have the resourcefulness to order vaccines in 2020 when Pfizer emailed me, literally begging me to buy them. So the idea that I’d go to the effort to organise for someone to seize tests from other companies is just fanciful. Do you know how much work that would be?” a bemused Scott Morrison told a press conference today.

“I mean, just think of the effort involved. I’d have to be aware of the fact that businesses had bought RATs in the first place – that would require me to read a briefing or something. Then I’d have to work out when the RATs were arriving. Then I’d have to have the ingenuity to come up with the idea of taking them. And then I’d have to get Jenny to make phone calls to Federal agencies to organise to intercept the tests. You’ve gotta be kidding me”.

Pressed by journalists claiming there was evidence that the Government had seized stock, Morrison laughed. “It’s so ridiculous. I mean just look at what month it is – it’s January! Everyone knows I don’t work in January. Or February. That doesn’t sound like me mate”.

Morrison rejects criticism: “Don’t blame me, I didn’t do anything!”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 10:08am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Scott Morrison has issued a formal non-apology to Australians, saying he can’t possibly be responsible for the shortfalls in supply chains, exploding COVID case numbers or the lack of rapid tests because he’s had nothing whatsoever to do with any it.

Speaking to journalists this morning, Morrison said it’s absurd for him to be held accountable for something he hasn’t done. “You’ve seen queues, you’ve seen rising cases, you’ve seen pressures on hospital systems, you’ve seen disruption to supply chains, you’ve seen shortages of tests. I haven’t spent a single minute on any of these issues.

“These are all problems for someone else. Someone else who can’t have a fish flown in from Humpty Doo amid supermarket shortages. We’re waiting for whoever they are, to put their hand up and solve this problem for us. The clock is ticking!” 

He said it his team was looking into who was responsible for the country’s current situation. “As the old adage goes, failure to plan is someone else’s fault, probably Labor’s.”

Treasurer Josh Frydenburg rushed to the defence of the PM saying, “This is not a special case – we are seeing the same problem all over the world. Just look at the UK. It just can’t be helped and has nothing to do with similarly dogshit leadership from someone who fell arse-backwards into a Prime Ministership after their boss resigned.”

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Anti-vaxxers hold emergency meeting to prepare new excuses, after provisional approval of Novavax

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 9:10am in

An emergency meeting of vaccine sceptic Australians has been ALL CAPS typed into Telegram groups after Australia granted provisional approval for the use of the Novavax vaccine.

Many have said they are holding off on getting vaccinated until the arrival of Novavax, and will now have to invent new elaborate conspiracy theories to explain why they will avoid getting jabbed.

“It was a pretty solid plan to begin with. Even we could see this government was terrible at organising anything that might be needed to contain COVID. The Government forgetting to order Pfizer vaccines was a huge win for us ­­– it meant we didn’t need to start making excuses for ages.

“But this is the fourth vaccine they’ve approved now, it gets tricky every time we need to move the goal posts,” a spokesperson for the group said.

Some in the group are already claiming that Novovax was developed by Hillary Clinton as a way of controlling people’s votes in the next Presidential election. Others say Novovax includes an ingredient which forces you to like Tom Hanks.

“I thought Novovax was going to be ok. But it turns out it’s imbedded with a chip that downloads Microsoft 365 into your elbow. No thanks”.

By Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

“Toddlers should be allowed to drive forklifts”, says toddler in charge of country

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 8:26am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Children should be allowed to operate heavy machinery, 53 year-old little boy Scott Morrison says.

While the plan has been met with criticism, experts say the change would bring child labour laws in line with other areas of society. “There are inconsistencies in the legislation. It is confusing why a child can’t drive a forklift, given they can be elected to the nation’s highest office,” employment analyst Trisha Bourke said.

“Some people may say it’s inappropriate for a child to operate heavy machinery, but no-one seems to have noticed that a child has been operating the country for the past three and a half years”.

Unions were quick to comment, saying that driving a forklift and driving a medium-sized economy are not suitable activities for children. “There’s a risk that they might fall asleep at the wheel,” a spokesperson said.

They went on to say that, “we disagree with the concept of child labour in general however if we can find someone half as good at stacking pork as the current PM is at pork-barreling then why the fuck not.”

Scott Morrison was unavailable for further comment as he was on time-out due to shitting his pants after being told he could not have McDonald’s for dinner.

By David from The ‘Berran

Desperate ScoMo Considering Knighthood For Disgraced Prince Andrew

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 21/01/2022 - 8:02am in

Prime Minister Scotty from marketing has been sounding out his colleagues over potentially knighting the recently demoted Prince Andrew.

”Scott, err, ScoMo is desperate for something to distract the public from all his recent failures,” said a Government Insider. ”He thought he was onto something with the getting kids to drive forklifts brain fart that he had yesterday.”

”However, that really only distracted the Twitterati for an afternoon, so why not knight a disgraced Prince.”

When asked why the PM was constantly looking for a distraction or an announcement rather than just doing his job, the Government Insider said: ”Well being PM’s hard, it’s not the type of job that could be done by an 8 year-old.”

”Actually, now that I think about it, maybe an 8 year old would do a better job.”

Would definitely poll better than the current PM, I mean who doesn’t like an 8 year old.”

”Well, maybe someone who lost their job to an 8 year old.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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Toddler masters big slide, ready for crane license, Morrison says

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 20/01/2022 - 12:53pm in

The Morrison government’s proposal to let children operate forklifts to help with supply chain issues across Australia comes as good news to some. Such as toddler, Bailey Adamson (age, “this many”) who this week mastered the big slide at the playground and has stated he’s ready for his crane license.

“I want the blue cup, also I want to drive the crane and I want a balloon from the man over there” explained Adamson before making truck noises and running around the sandpit.

The idea for children to operate cranes appears to have been drafted during Josh Frydenberg’s fever dreams while he was on leave with Covid 19. The plan is supposed to help with supply chain issues along with other great ideas from the same fugue state such as letting asymptomatic people carrying a virus handle raw chicken for the public.

Frydenberg has criticized the media for over catastrophizing the idea of children operating forklifts. “Of course, we mean teenagers, who as we know are famous for making good, rational decisions behind the wheels of heavy machinery and we’re confident that most of them have not been ripping gravity bongs.”

When asked if the age should perhaps be lower than that of teenagers, Bailey Adamson, was unavailable for further comment as he had a mouthful of playground sand and his Mum said it was nap time.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Tonga tsunami crisis: Morrison commits one million curry recipes

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 20/01/2022 - 8:51am in

Tags 

World, satire

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has pledged to send a million additional Indian and Sri Lankan curry recipes to tsunami-hit Tonga, in an initiative he says will help lift the spirits of those affected. The recipes are on top of those already announced last week.

In a press conference this morning, Mr Morrison said that what Tongans need right now is food. “And I’m sure New Zealand will take care of that. But there’s not much point having food if you haven’t got a cracking recipe to use it on. After all, it’s curry night!”

The PM said that his team was working around the clock to put together videos and Instagram posts which can be sent directly to emergency workers on the ground in Tonga. “They’ll need to put together the ingredients themselves of course. But I find that’s half the fun. Well, at least watching Jenny put together all of the ingredients is half the fun”.

Morrison said he had spoken with his Tongan counterpart Siaosi Sovaleni. “I’ve wished him and his country all the best and passed on my heartfelt belief that a good curry should simmer for at least 2-3 hours”. He also suggested flying in barramundi from Humpty Doo in the Northern Territory.

Djokovic begins French Open preparations, with plans to contract COVID in early May

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 18/01/2022 - 9:13am in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

World number one Novak Djokovic has put the controversies of the Australian Open behind him and is now fully focused on the defence of his French Open title, saying preparations are already under way for him to contract COVID again in the coming months.

Touching down in Belgrade last night, Djokovic said he and his coach had already switched attention to the year’s second grand slam. “I’m feeling really good right now. We sat down last night and started to map out a plan for my title defence and the things I’ll need to prepare. There’s definitely still a lot of work to be done – constructing a COVID-19 diagnosis out of thin air isn’t easy – but I’m confident if we put the right processes in place we’ll be ready to go for June”.

The 20-time major winner said he and his team would look to iron out some of the weaknesses from his Australian Open tilt. “We’ve gone back and analysed the game plan from Melbourne. Submitting a COVID test with the wrong time stamp certainly let me down, so I’ll be going out there and constructing hundreds of fake COVID test results each day to try and get that part of my game perfect”.    

He said one of the keys to success in tennis is timing. “Is early May the best time to have COVID, or am I better getting it in April to make my recovery seem more realistic? Should I get the test result for May now, or wait a little longer? These are the sorts of things that my team and I will be going through in the coming weeks”.

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