satire

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Morrison heads to Queensland for photo op of him holding hose

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 28/02/2022 - 11:08am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Saying he had learnt from his previous failures to help out during a crisis, Scott Morrison today headed to flood-ravaged south-east Queensland for a photo opportunity of him holding a short piece of hose.

Trying hard not to get his RM Williams wet, the PM told journalists that what Queenslanders needed more than anything right now was a picture of their Prime Minister holding a water distribution device.

“Now I know I’ve been criticised before for saying I don’t hold a hose. But I’ve listened to that and I’ve learnt from that. Which is why when someone told me there was an emergency unfolding in Queensland and northern NSW I turned to my media team and I said, ‘Here’s our chance to turn things around. Go grab that hose prop we bought back in 2020’”.

The Prime Minister – who doesn’t work weekends – said he wanted to get up to Queensland at the first opportunity. “As soon as I heard there was a disaster last Thursday I knew I had to be up there first thing Monday afternoon”.

Headline by Henry Buttsworth

Putin furious to discover he still has small dick

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 28/02/2022 - 10:00am in

Tags 

World, Comedy, satire

Vladimir Putin is said to be irate after realising that aggressively invading a sovereign nation has done nothing to increase the size of his tiny penis.

Sources close to the Kremlin say the President had assumed that this latest display of aggressive masculinity would finally do the trick. But when he realised it wasn’t working, he entered a rage.

“I am the most manly man in the whole of mankind, yet all my life I have tiny penis!” he shouted at aides. “I ride bear through woods and nothing happens. I go hunting with shirt off, and still nothing happens. I send in troops to bomb entire nation of Ukraine and yet still my penis is like tiny worm at bottom of tequila bottle. What do I have to do to have normal-sized sex organ!!!”

Psychologist Jenifer Higgins said something needed to be done quickly to avoid further violence. “Usually a middle-aged man with a small penis would just buy a Ferrari or start up a space program. But when the man’s in charge of one of the world’s largest militaries, it’s more problematic,” she said.

She has urged NATO troops to covertly enter Russia and perform a genital transplant on the Russian leader. “It could be the quickest way to end the war,” she said.

Experts say they are confused about Putin’s appendage size. “It’s incredible that such a big cock could have such a small penis,” one analyst said.

Taxation to be replaced by ‘GoFundMe’ campaign, Government confirms

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 28/02/2022 - 9:32am in

Australia’s taxation system will be completely dismantled and replaced by a single request for funds on a GoFundMe.com page, Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has confirmed.

The move comes following senior Coalition minister Peter Dutton’s decision to create a fundraising page for the Queensland floods in his electorate, rather than use federally available disaster funds collected through taxation.

“We had a look at what Pete did over in Queensland with the floods and we thought, that’s clever. If he can bypass taxation for disaster relief, there’s no reason why we can’t use the same process to collect funds for our healthcare system, education system, welfare spending, aged care facilities and national defence. It certainly cuts down on my workload,” Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison said the initiative would provide funding opportunities for schools, hospitals and communities. “It’s great. I’ve always thought – if only there was some sort of centralised organisation that could collect money from people across the country and then allocate that money according to needs. Wouldn’t that be great? And now Peter has gone and found the solution”.

Under the new system people will be encouraged to donate what they can, with an initial target of $250 billion. Treasurer Frydenberg said he would run an eye over the numbers once a year. “I’ll pay our wages, dish out a few grants to some mates, pay off the submarines and then whatever’s left over we can use for essential services”.

At the time of publication no members of the government had contributed to the fundraising effort.

“Russia behaving like bullies” says PM who picks on gay kids for votes

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 24/02/2022 - 11:24am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Prime Minister Scott Morrison says Russia is a thug and that bullying behaviour won’t be tolerated, adding that he is hopeful of re-introducing legislation that would allow schools to torment children based on their sexuality or gender.

In a media conference this week, the PM said that bullying and intimidation were never okay, and warned journalists to be very careful about what they said about his government’s track record on sexual misconduct, given he could easily reveal details about harassment in their own organisations.

He said people needed to stand up to bullying by Russia, shouting “If Russia doesn’t want to stand aside, She! Can! Go!”

Parliament House sources say the government has responded to Russia’s bullying tactics by asking the PM’s office to background against the boyfriend of a sexual assault victim.  

Man saving up for tank of petrol

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 24/02/2022 - 10:11am in

Perth man Rob McMann has set himself the savings goal of buying 55 litres of unleaded petrol, saying it’s the most expensive thing he’ll buy this year.

“It’s good to have a savings goal,” McMann said, flipping through pictures of petrol stations he hopes to one day visit. “I was going to save up for a holiday or a new bike, but then I thought, nah I want to get a tank of BP 91 unleaded. It’s a stretch, for sure. But I think I can get there”. The office worker tossed up whether to save up for a tank of Premium 98, but said he’d need to wait for a pay rise for that.

McMann has set up a direct withdrawal from his weekly salary that will go into a special savings account. “I figure if I put aside a little bit each week then it won’t seem so daunting”.  

The twenty-eight year-old says he’ll often walk past the servos in his area to do what he calls ‘window shopping’. “It’s fun to walk past the BP or the Shell and think – with a bit of discipline, and a bit of cutting back, one day I’ll be able to drive in here, fill up my car and pay for the petrol outright”.

How to use defamation law to restore your reputation, by Ben Roberts-Smith

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 24/02/2022 - 9:16am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

“In today’s modern world, your reputation is everything. If someone calls it into question it can take years to repair. Luckily, defamation law is here to help. Let me explain …

In 2018 three newspapers published articles that claimed I had made unlawful killings in Afghanistan. But since I launched defamation proceedings last year, no-one is talking about those accusations anymore. They’ve been totally forgotten, the slate wiped clean.

Instead, they’re talking about the time I allegedly threatened to kill an SAS solider. Or the time I was said to have set up mock executions of civilians during a training drill. Or the fact that I supposedly placed six USBs full of photographs in a children’s lunchbox and buried it in my backyard. It’s as if those original accusations never happened. That’s the beauty of suing for defamation. It’s a fresh start.

Thanks to the case that I’ve brought, people will no longer see me in the street and say, “There’s the guy who shot someone in Afghanistan”. They’ll say, “There’s the guy who allegedly hired a private detective to spy on his girlfriend at an abortion clinic”. As you can see, the case has been a chance for me to reset the narrative. To stop people focusing on the sick shit I claim I didn’t do in Afghanistan and instead focus on the weird shit I claim I didn’t do in Australia.

The best part is, bringing the action has only cost me a few million dollars so far. A small price to pay, you’d agree, for setting the record straight”.

*Although writing this article is totally the type of weird thing Ben Roberts-Smith might actually do, for the avoidance of any doubt, he didn’t – it’s made up.  

Morrison offers to help Ukraine by sending in elite special photo ops team

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 23/02/2022 - 10:09am in

Australia was amongst the first nations to offer support to an under-siege Ukraine today, when Prime Minister Morrison said he had a highly-trained ‘special photo-ops’ unit he could deploy to the troubled Eastern-European region.

“These guys are our top operators – the best in the business,” Mr Morrison told a media conference this morning. “They’re highly trained, highly equipped, specially selected men and women who can get a professional photo op up and running in minutes”.

He said that they often deployed unconventional techniques not used by the opposition. “They can be dropped into any location – whether it’s a welding factory, a rugby field or a hairdressing salon – quickly sum up the situation, and have three to four creative ideas ready to go before the opposition has even got wind that they’re there”.

While the group works together as an elite team, they are made up of specialist operators with dedicated skills. “We’ve got photographers, stylists, make-up artists, props managers, social media coordinators – all of the specific skills you need to win out there on the battlefield”.

The PM explained that the unit’s weapon of choice was distraction. “They use sophisticated techniques to distract the enemy. One minute you’re losing the war, then these guys come in and BAM! everyone’s talking about you washing someone’s hair.

He said the offer to send in the photo-ops team would be made available after the federal election.

Australia sends Tony Abbott to have man-to-man with Putin

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 23/02/2022 - 8:52am in

Saying that someone needed to talk to the Russian President ‘man to man’, Tony Abbott has volunteered to travel to Moscow to see if they can’t sort out this Ukraine mess over a beer and a few onions.

At the airport this morning, Mr Abbott said he reckoned he understood the Russian leader better than most. “He’s a small man that likes to take his shirt off, get out into the outdoors and get the testosterone pumping, so I think we’ve got a lot in common,” Abbott said. “I’m into riding bikes, whereas he’s more into riding wild horses bareback, but it’s basically the same thing”.

Mr Abbott said he was confident the meeting would go well. “We’ll break the ice with an arm wrestle, flex our pectoral muscles for a few minutes, he’ll make a joke about shirtfronting, I’ll have a gentle prod at his human rights record and then we’ll get down to the business of sorting out geopolitical disputes. I’m sure after chatting he’ll see that invading Ukraine isn’t what it’s cracked up to be”.

Abbott insisted his 2014 threat to ‘shirtfront’ Putin was taken out of misunderstood. “What I meant was to get in front of the Russian President with our shirts off, which is what we’ll be doing on this trip” .

Ukraine turns down Australian cyber support: “We’re a bit past dial-up”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 22/02/2022 - 10:25am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Ukraine has turned down the cyber support offered by Australian Foreign Minister Marise Payne this week, saying being at war with Russia was bad enough without having their internet ruined as well.

“As much as we appreciate the thought, taking on Australia’s internet would be a massive step backwards. Our buildings and roads may soon be destroyed by Russia. There’s no need to destroy our broadband too,” a Ukrainian official explained.

He said the country had enough on its hands at the moment. “We really don’t want to have to reteach people how to use Internet Explorer and Windows 95 while we’re defending our cities from advancing Russian troops”.

The UK and US were quick to blame Russian intelligence for a series of cyberattacks against Ukraine’s major banks. Australia had to take the other two countries’ word for it as the NBN was not quite enough for Australian intelligence agencies to pick up what is going on.

Given the Australian Government’s failure to deliver suitable internet infrastructure in its own country, the proposed support is expected to take to form of unplugging and plugging back in a router and teaching Ukrainians how to use the Ctrl+Alt+Del function. In an online video call this morning, Marise Payne confirmed that “Australia will continue to provi … vi … tal …. port … f … Ukraine”.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Sky News wondering what woke crime Sydney trains committed to all get cancelled

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 22/02/2022 - 8:55am in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

Calling it ‘cancel culture gone mad’, Sky News hosts including Rowan Dean and Andrew Bolt have blamed the ‘left wing Twitterati’ for Sydney’s train cancellations, saying the trains must have misgendered someone or made an offhanded comment about trans athletes.

“Here we go again,” Andrew Bolt said on his show this morning. “Some train has obviously spoken its mind about some issue, or used the ‘wrong’ word to describe someone and all of a sudden the entire network is cancelled, according to Twitter.

“Isn’t it telling that every single train in Sydney got cancelled on the same day. Proof of how bad cancel culture has become”.

Rowan Dean said he always knew it was only a matter of time before cancel culture shifted from human beings to locomotives. “I’ve said it so many times on this show before – if cancel culture goes unchecked, it snowballs. One minute JK Rowling isn’t able to speak her mind about breast feeding. Next thing you know I can’t get the 8:25 am train to work on a Monday morning”.

He said he wasn’t aware of what so-called ‘crime’ the trains had committed to warrant being cancelled, but assumed it was something that offended the woke crowd. “Who knows what the trains have done? They probably made a joke about gay people or weren’t supportive enough of Black Lives Matter. I can’t keep up with this woke rubbish anymore”.

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