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Featured electorate: MONCRIEFF (QLD)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/05/2022 - 2:13pm in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

Location: The Gold Coast

Held by: Angie Bell (Liberal National Party)

Margin: 15.4% (very safe)

Situated on the Gold Coast, Moncrieff was briefly thought to be the global epicentre of the COVID-19 pandemic when scientists noticed that every single resident had absolutely no sense of taste. It was later revealed that they’d just spent time in Surfer’s Paradise.

Local member Angie Bell worked as a professional musician for 35 years. She then decided she’d had enough of contributing to the Arts sector and joined the Coalition so she could help destroy it instead. 

Bell’s only notable moment in Parliament was when she gave a passionate 7-minute speech on the wrong bill – one that had been voted on weeks before. She is confident of winning the upcoming 1996 election.

Want more of this? Get the The Shovel’s full 38-page armchair guide to the election

Anti-corruption commission could be a hinderance to corruption, Morrison warns

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/05/2022 - 2:05pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has warned against implementing a federal anti-corruption commission, saying it may have the unintended consequence of uncovering past corruption and discouraging corruption in the future. 

“I understand the interest in this, but I don’t think people understand what this could lead to,” the PM said today.

“Members of Parliament need to be able to corruptly allocate taxpayer funds in their communities without fear that they’ll be labeled corrupt for doing it”.

Morrison said he was simply trying to prevent a massive mistake. “I think the problem that a lot of people haven’t realised with this proposed federal ICAC, is that it will expose and then put a stop to rorting. It will literally put a handbrake on corruption. And that’s certainly not something that my government wants to see happen”.

He said a federal ICAC could lower efficiencies by putting roadblocks in place for corrupt activity. “I mean, imagine if every time you did something corrupt, you had the prospect of being hauled in front of an anti corruption commission. It’s a massive disincentive, it’s a massive hinderance. Nothing would ever get done! 

“It’s easy for the Opposition and independent candidates to say they support an anti-corruption commission, but I don’t think they realise the effect this could have on corrupt activity in this country”. 

“But interest rates were 17% in my day!” complains man who bought house for $67,000

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 04/05/2022 - 1:33pm in

A 63 year old man who bought his first inner-city four-bedroom house for under $70k in the 1980s says young people complaining about interest rate rises don’t know how good they’ve got it.

“Back then we had to save up for weeks, just to get enough for a deposit!” John Bradly from the eastern Melbourne suburb of Camberwell said.

“And then, once we had our house, my generation didn’t have anyone helping us to pay off the mortgage. It was just us and our salaries, which were only about one fifth of the value of the average home back then!

“It took my more than seven years to pay off my first house. Seven years! I was practically in my thirties by the time I was debt free. Can you imagine? Being beholden to a bank for your entire twenties! I’m pretty sure no-one in their twenties these days has to go through that”.

Bradly said young people simply didn’t know what hard worked looked like. “Try managing tenants across eleven investment properties scattered around Melbourne and Sydney during a global pandemic. That’s what hard work is!”

“Voting for independents will lead to chaos” Liberal spokesperson warns on his way to Parliament House to wank on a desk

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 03/05/2022 - 10:25am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Voting for independent candidates in blue ribbon Liberal seats like Kooyong and Wentworth could lead to instability and a loss of trust in Government, a Liberal Party spokesperson has warned, shortly before filming himself knocking one out on a female MP’s desk in the nation’s Parliament.

“People would totally lose confidence. It would be an absolute shitshow if they got in,” the man told reporters, walking out of the MP’s office and stopping to take a photo of a woman bending over.

Finishing up a call with a Liberal Party donor to confirm a multi-million dollar contract, the spokesperson said a Parliament packed with independents would be a road to ruin. “It’s a recipe for chaos, all trust would vanish. It would be an absolute circus in here”.

He urged people not to vote for ‘so-called independents’, saying a minority government would stifle decision making. “The Government simply won’t be able to get anything done. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got a pre-arranged meeting in the Parliament House prayer room to attend”.

PM neutralises inflation issue by cooking $52 curry for four

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 02/05/2022 - 9:47am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Genius election campaigner Scott Morrison has defused any negative talk of runaway inflation by showing Australians how to make a budget home-cooked meal for just $13 per person.

Posting a picture of the meal on social media, the PM said the media coverage of cost-of-living pressures was a beat up.  

“At around $50 a meal, that’s just $350 a week for dinners. So when you include your other meals and essentials, there’s no reason why a family of four couldn’t keep their weekly grocery bill under $1,000. I’m really not sure what all the panic is about”.

He said the ordinary Australians he spoke to weren’t experiencing cost-of-living pressures at all. “I’ve spoken to a lot of my colleagues and they don’t know what all the fuss is about. When you get a $288 per-day travel allowance, spending only $52.14 on some chicken and vegetables for a single meal is a bargain really”.

Come to our live election show in Sydney on Wednesday and we’ll show you Scott Morrison’s secret 5-step curry recipe. Get tickets

Josh Frydenberg thanks the 60 billion people who attended his campaign launch

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 02/05/2022 - 9:04am in

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg has personally thanked each of the 60 billion local residents who came to show their support at his Kooyong campaign launch yesterday, as he outlined a plan to maintain a budget surplus while keeping GDP growth at 25%.  

Frydenberg – who faces a serious challenge from independent candidate Monique Ryan – said there was a ‘sea of blue’ at the 500-seat capacity function centre in Hawthorn.

“If each of the 60 billion people here go out and tell two friends to also vote for the Coalition, and then those people each tell another two people, then I think we’ll almost get to the sixty thousand or so votes we need to maintain a majority in Kooyong,” he said to a smattering of applause.

Frydenberg warned that a vote for independents was a vote for chaos and disorder. “Just imagine if we’d had a hung parliament during the vaccine rollout, or the AUKUS negotiations, or Robodebt, or the bushfires, or the floods. It would’ve been an absolute shitshow”.

Polling shows Ryan is ahead in Kooyong, but Liberal Party sources say they are confident of holding the seat.

UPDATE: Josh Frydenberg’s office has conceded it made a mistake in its attendance estimate. The actual attendance figure was 321. Mr Frydenberg says it is basically the same and is nothing more than a rounding error.

Get your 2022 Election Armchair Guide

Morrison addresses cost of living pressure with $4.5m subsidy for single malt whiskey

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 29/04/2022 - 4:24pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

The Prime Minister has promised vital relief for connoisseurs of $250-per-bottle whiskey, confirming a $4.5 million grant for a boutique distillery in Tasmania.

Announcing the funding for the Lark Distillery in Pontville, Morrison said he understood the needs of everyday Australians doing it tough.

“What people are telling me, and what I know myself, is that things are pretty tough right now for drinkers of small batch whiskey. Ordinary Aussies are just trying to put a bottle of limited edition single malt on the table and finding it a real stretch. That’s why I’m pleased to announce this grant today”.

He said his government was committed to making things easier for everyday Australians. “Only a Liberal government can recognise that Mums and Dads around the country are struggling to pay the electricity and gas bills each month and then put taxpayer money into the expansion of a top shelf liquor manufacturer”.

Howard Shocked To Learn That Women And Minorities Are Allowed To Vote

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 29/04/2022 - 8:08am in

Former Prime Minister fresh out of the deep freeze for the election John Howard was today shocked to learn that women and minorities are in fact allowed to vote in the upcoming election.

”I have to say that the news has come as a bit of a surprise to me,” said Mr Howard, ”All those years that Janet accompanied me to the voting booth I thought she was doing it as a show of support.”

”Never in my wildest imagination did I think she was actually voting.”

When asked for his views on Australia’s housing affordability problem, the former Prime Minister said: ”I don’t see what the problem is, I have a house, my kids have houses, everyone I know has a house.”

”Australians need to stop complaining and accept their lot in life.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back on the campaign trail otherwise Scott, err, ScoMo will chuck me into a nursing home. And not the good type, the type that pops up every now and then on A Current Affair.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

https://bit.ly/2y8DH68

Man uses $250 cost-of-living payment to buy 4-pack of capsicums

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 28/04/2022 - 8:51am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

A Melbourne man has used the windfall from the Government’s ‘cost-of-living payment’ to buy a mixed pack of red and green capsicums from Coles, that were worth $3.95 this time last year.

With the one-off payment hitting bank accounts this week, Arjun Patel said he hadn’t felt this flush since the fuel excise cut saved him $4.91 on a tank of petrol.

“I’d been saving up for a capsicum for a while. So when the payment hit my bank account today I thought, fuck it, I’m going to splurge and get four.

“I feel very indulgent to be honest. This will sort me for fresh vegetables for at least the next three days”.

Patel said he had considered spending the money on luxury items, but in the end decided he couldn’t afford the iceberg lettuce he had his eye on.  “That’ll need to wait until I get a pay rise in 2030”.  

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Palmer Puts In 45 Billion Dollar Bid For Myspace

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 28/04/2022 - 8:01am in

Australia’s most annoying billionaire Clive ‘National Treasure’ Palmer has taken a break from spamming the country to announce that he has bid 45 billion dollars to buy antiquated social media site Myspace.

”Who says you can’t buy friends?” Asked Mr Palmer. ”I mean once I own Myspace I will have all the friends in the World,including that Tom bloke.”

”Politicians will do my bidding in an effort to make my top 8 friends list.”

When asked if this is a real thing or just another pie in the sky scheme like Titanic 2 or his many, many impossible election promises, Mr Palmer said: ”Titanic 2 is real and will be delivered at some stage in the next one or two hundred years.”

”As for Myspace, I shall be holding meetings and releasing press releases later this week.”

”Unless of course I think of something else more interesting to do before then.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I saw a dog down the road with a puffy tail, I might chase it, here puff, puff.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

https://bit.ly/2y8DH68

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