satire

Error message

  • Deprecated function: The each() function is deprecated. This message will be suppressed on further calls in _menu_load_objects() (line 579 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/menu.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Notice: Trying to access array offset on value of type int in element_children() (line 6600 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).
  • Deprecated function: implode(): Passing glue string after array is deprecated. Swap the parameters in drupal_get_feeds() (line 394 of /var/www/drupal-7.x/includes/common.inc).

“We should stop discriminating against religious groups and let them pay the same amount of tax as everyone else”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/02/2022 - 4:09pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Equal opportunity groups are calling for an end to the centuries-long discrimination faced by religious groups, saying they should have access to the same taxation rates as everyone else.

For years religions have been overlooked when it comes to taxation, while their non-religious counterparts enjoy ongoing opportunities to pay tax to the ATO.  It’s a discrepancy that needs to be addressed, argues Gemma Landry from Equal Opportunity Australia.   

“No-one should be treated differently just because of their religious beliefs – that’s discrimination. It’s 2022 for goodness sake. It is simply not fair that these groups do not have access to the same taxation rates that the rest of us take for granted,” she said.

She said the discrimination was unacceptable and could lead to a two-tiered society. “We don’t want to see these groups singled out and treated differently, just because of what they believe in. These groups are missing out on important opportunities to contribute financially to their country and their community,” she said.

One religious leader, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said he’d always felt left out of the taxation system. “I see the tax returns of my friends who run small businesses and I feel excluded. They get to pay 25%, 27% sometimes even 30% taxation rates. And for me? Nothing. Literally nothing. My tax rate is zero”.

Christian groups call for religious bill to be dumped now that it doesn’t let them bully trans kids

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/02/2022 - 2:55pm in

Conservative Christian groups have called on the Government to scrap the Religious Discrimination Bill altogether, now that new amendments mean they can’t fuck around with the lives of vulnerable kids.

The groups had strongly supported the bill, right up to the moment when Independent MP Rebekah Sharkie successfully introduced an amendment that stopped the right of religious schools to discriminate against gay and transgender students. They are now calling for it to be dropped.

“Seriously, what’s the point of an anti-discrimination bill if it doesn’t give us the right to discriminate against people? it doesn’t make any sense” one angry Christian lobbyist said. “As Jesus said – God’s love is for almost everyone”.  

Many had assumed the Christian groups would continue to support the bill, due to its protections of religious freedoms. But their latest stance shows that they were only interested in having the right to shit on gay school kids.

“Principals at Christian schools need to have the confidence that they can stand up in an assembly and pick on a gay or trans kid,” one lobbyist said. “There’s very little point for this bill otherwise”.

Religious Freedom bill to finally give marginalised Christians some sort of say in this country

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/02/2022 - 8:53am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

After decades of being shut out of debate and influence in Australia, Christians will at last be able to speak their minds and have a say in the running of mainstream society.

Speaking at the launch of the Religious Freedom bill, Prime Minister Scott Morrison, flanked by deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce and senior ministers Peter Dutton and Alex Hawke, said Christians were marginalised in Australia.

“The truth is, Christians simply don’t have a say in this country. They’re sidelined, they’re shut out,” he said.

“There’s even been suggestions that Christian organisations should pay tax. But enough is enough,” he said.

Mr Morrison said that the new bill will mean that, at long last, Christians will be able to be heard. “If you’re a Christian, you’ll be able to put forward an opinion for once. You’ll be able to go to Church again. Even, perhaps, have some sort of small say in government policy”.

He said it was time to end the discrimination of Christians once and for all. “All of those things that you’re stopped from doing now, you’ll be able to do once this bill has passed”.

The bill will be debated in Parliament, with each session beginning with a traditional reading of the Lord’s prayer.

ScoMo To Amend The Religious Discrimination Act To Exempt His Creepy Mate

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 08/02/2022 - 8:58am in

Tags 

Politics, satire

Australian Prime Minister Scotty who was fired from marketing has told colleagues he will amend the Religious Discrimination act to make sure his creepy mate, the member for Dawson was not allowed to be discrimanated against for his beliefs or actions.

”In Australia if you’re a friend of mine and you have some strong beliefs then you should be able to voice them,” said the PM. ”Like my good mate George Christensen, sure he’s a bit out there but I know he has my back so I have his.”

”Besides, what’s the worst he could do, the border to the Philippines is closed for now.”

When asked why he is prioritising forcing through a the Religious Discrimination act instead of a Federal ICAC, the PM said: ”I reject the premise of your question.”

”There’s a lot of questions for me but what about Albo?”

”If Albo and his colleagues would stop asking questions and proposing amendments and just do what I say, I could get a lot more stuff done.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, George Christensen has asked me to pick him up a McDonalds breakfast before parliament sits. Will take them awhile to cook up 76 hash’browns.

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

https://bit.ly/2y8DH68

Canberra Convoy protestors briefly pause to let government destroy itself

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 07/02/2022 - 2:48pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

A group of anti-vaxxer protesters planning to overthrow Australia’s parliamentary system will take a day off today to let the Coalition government do some of the heavy lifting.

One man holding a Eureka flag and wearing a Trump 2020 t-shirt said he was looking forward to a break. “For days we’ve been trying to bring down the government by revealing evidence that there is a reptilian-inspired conspiracy to traffic children through 5G tunnels funded by George Soros. But it looks like a leaked text message calling Scott Morrison a psycho might do the trick,” the man said.

Martha Mooney said she had travelled all the way from Rockhampton to raise awareness of the government’s illegal use of chem-trails on Crown-held land, in contravention of the eighty-fourth amendment of the Magna Carta, but said it seemed like she wasn’t needed anymore. “I’ll be honest, I’m surprised the trove of documents I released on www4-TruthPatriot.com.au/sovereign hasn’t had more impact. But it seems like the government will collapse completely on its own steam”.

Michaelia Cash confirms “No time for Federal ICAC, what with all the scandals!”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 07/02/2022 - 1:52pm in

Attorney-General and Australian whiteboard peek-a-boo finalist, Michaelia Cash confirmed the government has been so flat-strap dealing with scandals and corruption they’ve simply not had the time to implement a Federal ICAC. 

“It’s an important piece of legislation that the Australian people are begging for, but we’ve just been too busy” the Attorney-General screamed.

“I’ve got a hundred colour-coded spreadsheets to read through, there are documents that need to be forged and 250 sporting grants to allocate. And that’s before I even get to the purchase of land from a Liberal party donor. I certainly haven’t got time for an anti-corruption commission!”

She said it would not be possible to squeeze in an ICAC now. “The Coalition has only been in power since 2013. How would we find time to establish a federal body of corruption?”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison backed Senator Cash and explained that the Government had been in a unique situation, “We’ve had to deal with more scandals in three years than the Howard government did over the course of its 11 years. So if that’s not a testament to how busy and successful our leadership has been, I don’t know what is!”

Cash had the final say on the matter stating, “It would really free up a lot of time to create a federal ICAC if only we could just have someone else dealing with all the corruption,” she yelled before turning into a bat and flying into the rafters ending the press conference.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Frantic media advisor proposes Scott do photo opp pretending to be Prime Minister

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 07/02/2022 - 12:30pm in

With approval ratings tumbling and the Prime Minister’s office running out of ideas of how to turn things around, a rogue advisor in Scott Morrison’s media team has put forward the ‘crazy’ idea of setting up a photo shoot that shows him doing the job of a Prime Minister.

Putting forward her case to the rest of the team, the young advisor pointed out that Scott has dressed up and pretended to do every job in Australia – except one. “We’ve tried Scott as a hairdresser, Scott as a publican, Scott as a truck driver, Scott as a pilot, Scott as a soccer player, Scott as a vaccine scientist, Scott as a builder and Scott as army tank operator. What if we were to – and hear my out here – show Scott doing something to advance the interests of the nation”.

The idea was met with laughter from more experienced advisors, before being quickly shut down. “Sorry kid, it’s simply not believable,” one senior advisor said.  

“The trick with photo opps is it’s got to be at least somewhat credible, so people can relate to it. Scott could conceivably wash someone’s hair or drive a truck, but I don’t think anyone’s going to buy the idea that he could run a country”.

We’ve been leaked texts showing nudes of Peter Dutton

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 07/02/2022 - 9:19am in

The Shovel has received a cache of text messages that appear to show Defence Minister Peter Dutton without any dressing.

The images, which have been buried up until now, show Mr Dutton in a range of compromising positions. In some he doesn’t even have a jacket on.

There have been claims that he had been drinking at the time, although those with knowledge of the photos say he wasn’t smashed.

Mr Dutton claims he is unphased by the leak, saying he has a thick, crispy skin.

We are unable to reveal our sauces, although we’ve been told a pepper gravy is often popular.

Desperate Scott Morrison leaks personal text messages he sent to himself

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 05/02/2022 - 12:54pm in

Desperate to prove that there are at least some people in Australia who don’t think he is an absolute crazy psychopath, Scott Morrison has instructed his office to leak a series of text messages that he has sent to himself over the past month.

Published exclusively in The Shovel today, the messages paint Morrison in a very different light, giving the PM hope that the public’s perceptions of him may begin to change.

PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING: If you are in the Mornington Peninsula, please cancel your bikini wax appointment immediately. Scott Morrison is in the area.

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 04/02/2022 - 2:10pm in

We have received reports of a man (Caucasian, mid-fifties, 175-185cm) in the Mornington Peninsula region shampooing the hair of random strangers. We have reason to believe he may be seeking other photo opportunities in the area.

If you have a beauty or hair appointment, please cancel it immediately.

We are also extending our warning to anyone who runs a small business, operates heavy machinery on a construction site, works in a factory (particularly any role involving high-vis clothing), grows strawberries, sells pies, runs a pub or is involved in any way with a sporting facility. Please be vigilant.  

We are especially concerned for any curry restaurants in the area.

While highly annoying, we do expect the threat to pass very quickly.

To reduce your chance of getting caught up in a Scott Morrison photo shoot, please remove any high vis clothing or hard hats, loudly shout ‘how much does a loaf of bread cost?’ or start a bushfire.

Pages