satire

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“We’re the party of better economic management” Frydenberg says, pausing to eat $26 sandwich

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 27/04/2022 - 3:08pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Only the Coalition can be trusted to manage the economy, the Treasurer has told journalists, stopping briefly to take a bite from a $26 egg and mayo sandwich which this time last year cost $4.95.  

“If you want stability, if you want confidence in the economy, if you want to pay $8 for half a cauliflower, then the Coalition is the only option,” Frydenberg said, as live analysis showed the cost of his sandwich was now $3.50 more expensive than it was at the start of the press conference.

Outlining the Coalition’s plan for a stronger economy, the Treasurer said that what voters want is certainty. “And nothing says certainty more than a price index that’s rising at the highest rate since 2001”.

He reminded journalists that millions of Australians could look forward to receiving their $250 cost-of-living payment this week, which was now worth around a third of what it was when it was announced at the federal budget last month.

“We’re not at all concerned about independent candidates”, all 112 Coalition MPs say in carefully-coordinated daily messaging campaign

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 27/04/2022 - 10:41am in

Government MPs haven’t even really given any thought at all about the threat of independent candidates taking their seats, according to over 10,000 tweets, interviews and other social media updates.

“It’s not something I spend any time thinking about,” member for Goldstein, Tim Wilson, said, pointing to the 43 reasons voters should be wary of independent candidates at the upcoming election.

“According to these talking points put together by Liberal Party strategists, independent candidates are ‘irrelevant and not something we’re concerned about in the slightest’. So I’m not sure what all the fuss is about really,” he said.

In a speech this week, Josh Frydenberg said he was focused on delivering more jobs in his electorate. “I’m a safe pair of hands in Kooyong, unlike untested, unproven and untried independent candidates who you definitely shouldn’t vote for and who we’re not worried about at all”.

Member for Wentworth Dave Sharma said he was looking forward to the upcoming holiday break. “It’s going to be great spending time with family, reading some books and continuing not to think or talk at all about the independent candidate running in my seat. Not even a little bit. Not concerned at all”.

Featured electorate: WRIGHT (QLD)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 25/04/2022 - 10:58am in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

Location: The bit between Ipswitch and the Gold Coast

Held by: Scott Buchholz (Liberal National Party)

Margin: 14.6% (very safe)

Profile: Scott Buchholz is often teased by his colleagues about his rude-sounding name. While some advisors have suggested he change it, he has bravely decided to stick with Scott for now.

Before entering Parliament, Buchholz worked as a staffer for Barnaby Joyce. He is pregnant with Barnaby’s seventh child.

Buchholz won pre-selection for Wright in 2010 and has been a member of the Centre-Right faction ever since. During the same-sex marriage debate, Buchholz spoke out in opposition of the law, saying “… think what would happen to those people who love their pets”.

Buchholz lives in Boonah, Queensland and is happily married to Charlie, his Border Collie.

Want more of this? Get the The Shovel’s full 38-page armchair guide to the election

Read the full profile

Featured Electorate: FOWLER (NSW)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 25/04/2022 - 10:49am in

Location: Sydney Western suburbs around Liverpool and Cabramatta

Held by: Chris Hayes (Labor) – retiring

Incoming candidate: Kristina Keneally (Labor)

Main opponent: The commute from the Northern Beaches

Margin: 14% (very safe)

Profile: As NSW Premier, Kristina Keneally oversaw the biggest loss by a sitting state government in NSW history. Eager to learn new and interesting ways to lose elections, she was immediately snapped up by federal Labor.

Keneally became a Senator in 2018 after failing to win a by-election in the North Shore seat of Bennelong in 2017. When a vacancy emerged in the lower house seat of Fowler, in the centre of Sydney’s Vietnamese community, Labor showed its commitment to diversity by preselecting Keneally – the party’s first middle-class white woman with an American accent.

Some within the party were angered that more favoured Vietnamese-Australian candidate Tu Le was overlooked. But, as a resident of the Northern Beaches, Keneally says she understands the concerns of the Vietnamese communities of Cabramatta better than most, having once parked her Range Rover next to a banh mi shop in Mosman.

Want more of this? Get the The Shovel’s full 38-page armchair guide to the election

Read the full profile

Liberal Party enacts ‘Bring out John Howard in case of emergency’ procedures

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 24/04/2022 - 4:01pm in

Out of options and uncertain of what else to do in the face of an onslaught from independent candidates, Liberal Party MPs have smashed the glass and removed the little John Howard that sits on a wall at Liberal Party headquarters in Sydney.

“Emergency! Emergency!” deputy leader Josh Frydenberg shouted, being careful not to get Howard’s eyebrows stuck in the glass as he pulled the little guy out of the box.

Frantically reading the instructions as he held Howard in his hand, Frydenberg used a small key to wind up the former Prime Minister, aimed him towards the campaign trail and watched him spring to life and immediately run off to a media event to say something sexist.

“It’s incredible how quickly he’s ready to go. Wind him up, let him spray bullshit everywhere and he immediately takes everyone back to the 1950s”.

A party spokesperson said the emergency procedures were used sparingly. “This is something we definitely only use as a last resort once every federal election and at every state election and three to four times a year when we can’t think of anything else to do”.  

Stuck-at-home-Albo forced to tell UberEats driver about how he grew up in a council flat

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 22/04/2022 - 4:35pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Restricted to his home and unable to campaign for the next seven days, a desperate Anthony Albanese was this afternoon telling his food delivery driver how the place he lives in now is pretty different from the one he grew up during the 1960s, when he and his Mum lived in a council flat in Sydney’s inner west.

“A lot of things were uncertain. But one thing wasn’t. And that was my Mum’s determination to give me a better life than the one she had,” the Labor leader said, as the Uber driver awkwardly asked if it was ok to leave now.

“That’s where I learnt about fairness. That’s where I learnt about the value of honest hard work. And it’s why only Labor has a plan to get everyday Australians into more affordable housing. You won’t see that from this Government, and you certainly wont …,” he continued before the Uber driver interrupted.

“Mate I’m just here to drop off your pie and chips. Is there anything else I can get you?”

“Of course we didn’t have Uber back then. Had to walk 5km to the nearest shops if we wanted something. If we could afford it, that is,” Albo continued.

“And so on May 21 we face a choice, and my message to Australians is this …”

At the time of publication the conversation was still ongoing.  

Swing-voter who watched Government shit-tank Australia for last 3 years waiting to see how next 4 weeks pan out

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 22/04/2022 - 12:44pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

An undecided voter who watched the Morrison government fuck up the vaccine roll-out, piss money away on carparks, gaslight women, destroy the environment, refuse to be investigated for corruption, and completely balls up every natural-disaster response, says he’s going to wait and see what happens over the next four weeks before deciding who to vote for.

Josh Jacobs conceded the last few years of governance had been awful but said he wanted to compare the leaders pretending to be tradespeople in staged photo shoots in marginal electorates before locking any one candidate in.

“What I’m really concerned about is which politician can answer a journalist’s question about an economic index that I have never heard of. Sure, action on climate change is important to me, but I’m willing to let the Earth take one for the team if someone commits the faux pas of eating a pie upside down during a media stop”.

Another undecided voter said she wanted a politician with experience. “And Scomo has years of constantly falling arse-over-backwards into his own shit so I’ll probably give him my vote.”

When it was explained to her that she was not in Scott Morrison’s electorate and therefore would be voting for a different local candidate, she stared blankly into the distance for a full two minutes while somewhere a member of the Australian Electoral Commission punched a wall because they’ve spent six-fucking-months explaining this. 

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Featured Electorate: CHISHOLM (VIC)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 21/04/2022 - 12:07pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Location: Eastern suburbs of Melbourne, around Box Hill and Mt Waverly

Held by: Gladys Liu (Liberal Party)

Main opponent: Her memory

Margin: 0.5% (ultra marginal)

Profile: Gladys Liu once said she could not recall if she had been a member of the Chinese Communist linked ‘United Front Work Department’ between 2003 and 2015, or whether she had met an alleged Chinese spy who she was photographed sitting next to in 2016.

She later claimed she could not recall if she was the member for Chisholm, conceding she had heard of the electorate but claiming she wasn’t aware of its day to day activities. Remarkably, she is only the second most forgetful person named Gladys in Australia.

Liu won Chisholm at the 2019 election by a razor-thin margin. It was later revealed she had installed Chinese-language signs at polling booths, designed to look like official AEC signs, which read ‘the correct way to vote is Liberal’. In a court-case after the election, the Liberal Party agreed that the sign was misleading, but no more misleading than another sign next to it which read “Scott Morrison: a leader you can trust”.

Without the ‘tricking people into voting Liberal’ strategy at their disposal this election, Chisholm is tipped to go to Labor this time around. Labor’s candidate Carina Garland is a former union official, one of just 400 former union officials running for office in the Labor Party. A grass roots candidate, she understands the needs of everyday Australian union officials looking to make the transition to Labor Party candidates.

Want more of this? Get the The Shovel’s full 38-page armchair guide to the election

Autistic child ‘blessed’ he wasn’t born as Scott Morrison

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 21/04/2022 - 11:56am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Saying he couldn’t begin to understand what the Prime Minister’s friends, families and colleagues have had to go through, an eight-year-old Sydneysider on the autism spectrum has revealed that he feels “blessed” he was born as absolutely anyone other than Scott Morrison.

“To be such a cock, so much of the time – that’s a hell of a thing to have to endure. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone,” the child said as he watched the Prime Minister in the first televised debate.

The child’s parents also said they felt blessed not to give birth to Scott Morrison. “I’m not sure how you would cope, to be honest. We can only try and understand your aspirations if you were lumped with a child like that,” the mother said, pointing to pictures of Morrison washing someone’s hair, wearing a welder’s mask and sitting in the cockpit of a plane. “It just looks so bloody exhausting having to put up with that behaviour, day in day out”.

They have called for the NIDS to be expanded to include funding to address what they see as a largely ignored disorder.

Tony Abbott was quick to slam the family’s comments, pointing out that “every PM is a blessing.”

By David from The ‘Berran

Morrison to be given cashless debit card so he doesn’t blow money on carparks, subs

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 20/04/2022 - 2:11pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

The Prime Minister will be moved onto the Indue cashless card system as early as next week, in an attempt to stop spending on unessential items such as unbuilt carparks and imaginary submarines.   

The card has been used as a ‘spending management’ tool for welfare recipients, with advocates claiming it is an important way to restrict the wastage of taxpayer money. They now want to expand the scheme to include other people dependent on taxpayer funds.

“If you’re receiving money from the taxpayer then it’s only fair that there are some limitations in place,” a spokesperson for the scheme said.

“This is not about try to stop people from buying food or putting a roof over their head. But it is about saying, ‘Do you really need to spend $185 million to re-open Christmas Island for a week for a quick media stunt?”  

Indue, the manager of the card, says expansion of the program is well overdue. “No one has pissed more tax-payer money up the wall than Morrison. We usually like to blame welfare recipients for debt, but when you look at the fact that Morrison seems to go over budget on everything because he fucks it up the first time, we figure it’s about time someone who actually needs help managing their money be put on this card for once.”

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg had the final say on the matter. “Honestly, last week I walked in on the PM when he was about to invest in a Ponzi scheme and then today he told me he was in conversations with a Nigerian Prince to solve our government debt problem. This is for the best if we want to continue billing ourselves as a fiscally responsible party.”

Donation to the Liberal party during the election are currently not enabled on the cashless card system as they are flagged as “a huge fucking waste of taxpayer money”. 

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

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