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Featured electorate: MITCHELL (NSW)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 20/04/2022 - 8:43am in

Location: The Hills district of north-western Sydney

Held by: Alex Hawke (Liberal Party)

Position: Minister for Immigration

Key Opponent: Novak Djokovic

Margin: 18.6% (very safe)

Profile: Alex Hawke once said, “The two greatest forces for good in human history are capitalism and Christianity”, so it’s not surprising that he is a member of a church that is run like a fucking Fortune 500 company. As Jesus famously said, “Love thy neighbour as thyself and be sure to sign up to my weekly stock tips newsletter – just $99.95 a month, cancel any time”.   

Notably, as both Immigration Minister and a member of Hillsong, Alex Hawke is the only MP who can say ‘Fuck off we’re full’ while speaking in tongues.

Hawke briefly rose to international fame earlier this year when he was required to make a decision on Novak Djokovic’s visa. A complex case reliant on multiple legal principles, Hawke spent days carefully avoiding thousands of pages of evidence, before holding a focus group and arriving at a conclusion – cancelling the tennis star’s visa and sending him to play at the Manus Island Open.

Hawke was praised for his decisive handling of the crisis. As Scott Morrison famously said at the time, “We will decide who comes to this country and the circumstances in which we can make the whole process as farcical and internationally embarrassing as possible”.

A member of Scott Morrison’s inner circle, Hawke has warmly been described by those who know him best as ‘corrupt’, ‘ruthless’ and ‘a cancer on the Liberal Party”.

Want more of this? Get the The Shovel’s full 38-page armchair guide to the election

Campaign gaffe still in the headlines, say headlines

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 19/04/2022 - 2:23pm in

Tags 

Comedy, satire

An election campaign gaffe has entered an incredible ninth day in the headlines, say the organisations that create those headlines.

Opinion pieces across major mastheads said it was astonishing that we were still talking about the slip up well into the second week of the campaign.

“This happened more than a week ago – that’s an eternity in politics. But yet somehow it’s still all over the news,” one report headlined ‘Why the gaffe is still in the headlines’ read.

One news outlet, which will run a special two-week anniversary lift out special about the gaffe, said it was amazing the story had persisted so long. “I’m not sure how or why, but we’re somehow seeing a new story about this nearly every day”.

The outlet will also publish a special report tomorrow called ‘How the media covered the gaffe’, followed next week by ‘How the media covered the media’s coverage of the gaffe’.

See our live election show! Melbourne, Hobart and Sydney

Coalition poll boost: 50% of Government MPs say they support Morrison

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 19/04/2022 - 8:35am in

The Government has received an unexpected boost in the latest opinion polls, with roughly half of all Coalition MPs saying they will support Scott Morrison at the upcoming election.

The 50% figure is calculated on a two party preferred basis – Morrison’s primary support within his party is 38%, with 12% saying they would support another candidate, but give their second preference to the PM.

Of those who say they won’t vote for Morrison, 15% of MPs say they think Mr Morrison is a ‘horrible, horrible man’, 10% ‘a liar’ and the remaining 25% ‘a complete psycho’.


Get the The Shovel’s full 38-page armchair guide to the election

Featured electorate: McMAHON (NSW)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 18/04/2022 - 7:37am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Location: Outer western suburbs of Sydney  

Held by: Chris Bowen (Labor)

Margin: 6.6% (fairly safe)

Profile: The electorate of McMahon is named after William ‘Billy’ McMahon, who until recently was regarded as Australia’s worst Prime Minister. He’s now ranked fifth worst.

Chris Bowen has held the seat since 2004. A senior member of the Labor Party and a former Treasurer, Bowen once wrote a book called Australia’s Twelve Most Notable Treasurers. In a review of the book, Paul Keating said he agreed with all but eleven of Bowen’s choices.

In 2013 he wrote another book titled ‘A Blueprint of Modern Labor’ which detailed contemporary ways for the Labor Party to unexpectedly lose elections.

Bowen describes himself as a keen supporter of the Greater Western Sydney Giants. He is hoping the other GWS supporter will vote Labor as a result.

Want more of this? Get the The Shovel’s full 38-page armchair guide to the election

Morrison offers journalists $5k to stop asking question about anti corruption commission

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 18/04/2022 - 7:23am in

Discreetly pointing to an envelope in his top pocket, Scott Morrison told a group of journalists today that he’d make it ‘worth their while’ if they stopped asking questions about whether or not he would set up a federal anti corruption commission.

“You see that there,” Mr Morrison muttered, careful to keep his lips closed to avoid being detected by cameras. “That envelope there is stuffed to the brim with $100 notes. You keep your mouth shut on why it’s taking so long for us to set up a Federal ICAC and there will be another one of those bad boys coming your way.

“Obviously the reason we don’t need a federal anti-corruption commission is because we aren’t corrupt,” he said, ‘accidentally’ dropping the envelope on the floor as he left the press conference.

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg also spoke to journalists, saying the first envelope was just the start. Opening a folder to reveal another larger envelope, Mr Frydenberg said, “There’s $60 billion in cash in here. All yours if you don’t squeal”.

Semi-coherent Barnaby Joyce says he’ll shoot invasive pest, Easter Bunny “right in the face”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 15/04/2022 - 10:13am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Saying he is on the side of farmers, Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce has emphasised his willingness to do whatever it takes to get rid of the well-known pest Easter Bunny who invades millions of homes across the country at this time of year.

“I want the voters of New England to know that I am willing to shoot the Easter Bunny right in its adorable face to help stop the spread of this invasive species” the Deputy PM promised.

Shortly after tearing away any child’s sense of wonder, Barnaby explained the reasoning behind the policy. “Look we don’t need a pest like this, hopping all over Australia, laying its eggs, proliferating. Look at what happened with cane toads, and Johnny Depp’s dogs. Now I see bloody Yorkshire terriers everywhere, I have to send the kids out in the backyard to pour salt on them!”

Joyce’s critics have suggested that he has another motive for shooting the Easter Bunny. “We heard someone say that rabbits breed like Barnabys and he just doesn’t want to appear to be second best at anything this close to the election,” one insider said. 

The rumour mill has suggested the Easter Bunny could be parachuted into New England after defecting to One Nation. The party seems like a perfect fit for the chocolate-toting rodent after its social media posts came to light accusing Jesus of “arriving in Australia by donkey instead of coming by the right channels”.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Albanese tells journalist to “Bing it, mate”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 14/04/2022 - 4:02pm in

A re-energised Anthony Albanese has told a journalist to just go to a web browser and log-on to Bing.com/search if he wants to know the current level of the wages price index.

Asked to name the rate by a journalist from the Financial Review, a fired-up Albanese said, “Um, ah, look, just, you know Microsoft Bing it, mate. I’m not sure why we have to have these gotcha questions every day when all the answers are right there on the information superhighway”.

The Labor leader said the election should be a contest of ideas, not a memory test. “Why are we still doing this Price is Right style competition, when we have a perfectly good resource called Yahoo Answers?

“If you want to know the WPI, just Ask Jeeves for goodness sake”.

George Christensen to join One Nation after getting ‘unhinged conspiracy nut’ on ABC Vote Compass

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 14/04/2022 - 11:10am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Former National Party MP George Christensen has defected to One Nation after his ABC Vote Compass result revealed he was more racist and unhinged than he first thought.   

“I was expecting to get a result that aligned with the National Party, but the little dot said I was much more of a fuckwit than that,” Christensen explained.

Normally Christensen, an avid conspiracy theorist, is skeptical of the ABC and its views. But he was convinced to take the quiz when a robotic bird he keeps in a cage confessed to him that the Government is using all the information from iView sign-ups to split Australians into ‘good guys’ and ‘bad guys’ for an upcoming deep state civil war and that he should find out what team they had him in.

More on this as George invests in red string for connecting disparate ideas.

Christensen will head up One Nation’s Manila office.

By Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

Featured Electorate: BOOTHBY (SA)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 14/04/2022 - 9:39am in

Location: Western and mid-southern suburbs of Adelaide (mainly taken up by the Westfield Marion carpark)

Held by: Nicolle Flint – retiring (Liberal Party)

Incoming candidate: Rachel Swift (Liberal Party)

Margin: 1.4% (marginal)

Key rivals: Louise Miller-Frost (Labor), Jo Dyer (Independent)  

Profile: Retiring incumbent Nicole Flint has for many years been an outspoken supporter of the culling of wild animals such as sharks and crocodiles. She has, however, been strangely silent on what to do with Barnaby Joyce.

Her retirement opens the way for Rachel Swift. A medical expert, Swift once worked for the United Nation’s ‘Ebola Response Team’, so it will be reassuring to know that if there is ever another viral pandemic, Scott Morrison will have someone with specific expertise in his team to ignore.

Swift was also a healthcare industry expert for consulting giant Boston Consulting Group, meaning she has all the skills required to carve up and sell off Australia’s public healthcare system for profit when she’s Health Minister in a decade’s time.

Swift is up against independent Labor candidate Louise Miller-Frost, a mother of triplets, who is running on the Labor platform of fairness, or as she describes it, “you will share or I’m counting to five and then I’ll take it away”.

Independent Jo Dyer is also contesting this seat. Last year Christian Porter was ordered to pay $430,000 in court costs to Jo Dyer, in what Porter described as a humiliating backdown by Jo Dyer.

The most marginal electorate in the South Australia, expect Scott Morrison to do something weird at a hair salon in Marion at some point during the campaign.

Want more of this? Get the The Shovel’s full 38-page armchair guide to the election

Morrison correctly states the cash rate is $500,000 (for an Alan Tudge harassment payout)

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 12/04/2022 - 11:06am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Keen to prove he understands the key figures better than his Labor counterpart, the Prime Minister confidently stated this morning that the cost to pay out a former staffer to compensate for the harassment she received from one of your cabinet ministers is half a million dollars.

“That’s the cash rate. Once you take into consideration lawyer’s fees, bank fees and other transaction costs it would be closer to $600,000,” Morrison clarified, quick to show off his attention to detail.

Morrison said these were basic figures that all Australians should know. “But of course they don’t because we do everything we can to suppress them,” he said.

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