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“The price of bread is 4%” re-energised Albo says

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 12/04/2022 - 10:36am in

Opposition leader Anthony Albanese has wiped the slate clean after a difficult first day on the campaign trail, confidently telling journalists this morning that the price of a loaf of Tip Top bread is 4%, or a little higher for something fancier. 

Campaigning in Tasmania this morning, Albanese said yesterday’s blunder was a one-off. “Yesterday I made a mistake, I’m only human, I’ll own it. But Australians can be sure that I understand their issues, I understand their cost of living pressures, and I understand that the cost for a litre of milk right now is 0.1%. Although that’s the cash rate, if you’re paying by card it’s going to cost you a fair bit more than that”. 

Mr Albanese says he’s put the dramas from yesterday’s first day behind him and is looking forward to continuing with day eight of the campaign today. 

Come to our live election show!

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 11/04/2022 - 12:13pm in

This election Australians face a clear choice: on the one side of politics, a Sydney-centric, league-obsessed, beer drinking, middle-aged Aussie dad with a cringy nickname and no policies, and on the other, Scott Morrison.

To help you get your head around all of the policies, photo ops and manipulation techniques we’re doing a string of live election shows across the country over the next few weeks.

Featuring The Shovel’s James Schloeffel, The Chaser’s Charles Firth, and ABC 7:30’s Mark Humphries, we’ll tackle the big questions. Like, will Morrison be able to pull off back-to-back miracles? Which desks in Parliament House are safe to touch? What photo-op pairs best with covering up a sex-scandal? And what on earth is an ‘Anthony Albanese’ anyway?

Book your seats now for this very special live event.

BRISBANE APRIL 12: BOOK NOW

CANBERRA, APRIL 13: BOOK NOW

MELBOURNE, APR 28: BOOK NOW

HOBART, APRIL 29: BOOK NOW

SYDNEY, MAY 4: BOOK NOW

“Right! We’ve got 6 weeks to fuck this up”, Albo tells colleagues in stirring kick-off speech

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 08/04/2022 - 7:19pm in

Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese has rallied the troops following the election being announced, asking them if they’ve got what it takes to fuck up a 12-point poll lead over the course of the next 41 days.

In a full party meeting, Albo stood on a chair as he gave his final address before the campaign proper begins.

“Can we do this? Of course we can!” he said to cheers as he pumped his fist in the air.

“I know what you’re thinking. Is it even possible to lose from here? Well, if you’re nervous, if you’re second guessing yourself, just remember this – we’ve done this before and we can do it again!”

He told colleagues to picture themselves pissing away an unassailable lead in 2019. “Think back. What did you do then? How can you do it again now? It may seem impossible, but it seemed impossible then too. And you did it. We did it. And we’ll do it again”.  

Bunnings sells out of hard hats within minutes of federal election being called

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 08/04/2022 - 5:13pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Major hardware and workwear retailers across the country are already reporting a surge in demand for hard hats and hi-vis vests, as upper-middle class politicians rush to dress up as everyday, hardworking blue collar tradespeople for the next 4 weeks.

Bunnings Carinbah, in the Sutherland Shire, said its workwear shelves had been stripped bare by midday, while the Marrickville Mitre10 in the electorate of Grayndler, also reported a rush on hard hats and hi-vis. Vintage clothing sellers in Fitzroy, in the seat of Melbourne, reported an increase in demand for recycled hi-vis clothing.   

A spokesperson for Total Workwear – a supplier of clothing and safety equipment for tradespeople – said the company had received several enquiries from the offices of MPs looking to dress up as tradies. “Who knew standing in front of a camera and doing absolutely fucking nothing was so dangerous?” he said.

ABC electorate analyst Antony Green said it would be a tight contest. “This election will be a chance for Australians to choose which inner-city, university-educated Sydney man pretending to be a builder they want in Canberra”.

Samantha Wright, an occupational health and safety expert, said politicians wearing hi-vis clothing during a media conference served an important safety purpose. “It’s so that other people can immediately, in an emergency situation, identify who the fuckhead is”.

Get our 2022 Election Armchair Guide

Morrison completes 6-minute journey to Government House without once stopping to go on holiday

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 08/04/2022 - 3:14pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

In a sign that he is taking his responsibilities seriously, the Prime Minister has made the 4.6km trip from the Lodge to the Governor General’s residence without once taking two weeks off to sit on a deck chair next to a pool.

Sources say the PM remained focused on the important task of sitting in the back of a chauffeur-driven car for the length of the journey.

“He did well. By about the four-minute mark he was getting a little restless – he asked if he could take a short break or at least have a weekend away. But, full credit to him, he managed to get through it,” one insider said.

Political historians believe it may be the first time Mr Morrison has been in Australia for the entirety of an important national event.  

Like this? Come see our live show

Morrison calls election, in only thing he’s done right in last three years

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 08/04/2022 - 3:09pm in

Scott Morrison has ordered a Comcar, driven to Government House and asked the Governor General to issue writs for a federal election, in a display of entry-level competence rarely exhibited by a member of the Government in this term of parliament.

Many observers have described it as ‘the only thing he hasn’t fucked up since 2019’, with some saying they thought he would forget to call an election – much like he forgot to order vaccines, forgot to come back from Hawaii, or forgot whether he was aware of a sexual assault in his workplace or not. But in a rare sign of basic organisational skill, Morrison managed to fulfil his duties as Prime Minister and call an election before the Constitutional deadline.

Election expert Rebecca Bissou said she was surprised Mr Morrison managed to complete the task in one go. “This could well be the most work Scott Morrison has done for three years. And to think he did it without totally messing it up or outsourcing it to the private sector is quite remarkable.

“What’s even more remarkable is that during the six minute trip not a single member of the Liberal Party publicly called Scott Morrison a psychopathic bully.

Get our 38-page election guide

Man hurling abuse at PM offered full-time cabinet position

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 08/04/2022 - 2:22pm in

Saying he would be “a great cultural fit”, Liberal Party MPs have offered a Newcastle pub patron a full time cabinet position, after a video of him mercilessly berating the PM in classic Liberal Party fashion went viral.

High level cabinet members have said that the man “clearly has what it takes to be a Liberal Party MP in 2022” thanks to his “advanced ability to insult the PM as he stands there limp-dicked and speechless.”

“The guy is a natural,” one Liberal minister said. “The way he gave the Prime Minister shit, and he just had to stand there and eat it, you’d think he’d been a Liberal MP his whole life!” 

Deputy Minister Joyce was less than enthused about the appointment, saying the man had stolen his lines. “Telling the PM that he ‘better fucking do something’ and that he’s ‘sick of his bullshit’ has been lifted straight from my text messages”.  

The PM has a different recollection of the event, telling reporters he had “a lovely chat to a constituent who commended me on the great job I was doing before I offered him a cut and wash.” 

The Newcastle man is slated to replace Keith Pitt as the Minister for Resources and Water, who to date hasn’t said anything vaguely negative about the PM. 

By David from The ‘Berran

Government agrees to anti-corruption agency: “We’re just looking for a mate to run it”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 07/04/2022 - 9:06am in

Scott Morrison has responded to calls from the Australian Federal Police for the urgent establishment of an anti-corruption agency, saying he’ll get onto it as soon as the party has worked out which mate or former Liberal MP will run it.

A spokesperson for the Government explained that the process could take several months. “These things are very complicated. We need to put out the request for tender, then ignore it, then give some ex-mining CEO who has donated to the Liberal Party the job, even though he has no prior knowledge of the criminal process, at least not from the end that investigates crimes. It’s a lengthy process”.

The spokesperson also said retiring members of the Government would be considered for the role. “No-one knows corruption better than someone who has been part of the Coalition Government for the past nine years. So we’ll be looking to tap into their expertise as well”.

AFP members have explained they are reluctant to perform the role themselves, with one representative saying, “Corruption investigations are complex and require a dedicated team of specialists who can utilise techniques such as watching 4 Corners, asking for receipts, or just checking to see if a carpark that’s been paid for actually exists. We’ll leave that to the experts”.

The new anti-corruption commissioner is expected to be paid $350,000 a year, with another $500,000 a year in cash and bribes.  

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Morrison outsources calling of election to consultancy firm

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 06/04/2022 - 3:06pm in

The Prime Minister has awarded a $30 million contract to consultancy firm McKinsey to plan and implement the calling of the 2022 Federal Election.

Under the scope of the project, McKinsey will assess all available options for travelling to Government House to advise the Governor General of the intention to call the election ($20 million) as well as providing a suitable subject matter expert (SME) to deliver the news to the Governor General ($10 million).

A spokesperson for the Government said it was money well spent. “McKinsey will provide a detailed analysis of all available routes to Government House, the possible modes of transport available, the traffic implications of leaving at different times during the day and available parking options at Government House once there. It’s a lot of work.

“And that’s before you consider the many different ways one could advise the Governor General of the intention to call the election. Is it better to say ‘I would like to hold an election on the 14th May’ or the more formal ‘It is my intention to hold an election on the 14th of May’? These are all things that they will consider in their report”.

McKinsey is expected to deliver their report by the end of June.  

Calls to scrap mandatory requirement to post photo of COVID test on social media

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 05/04/2022 - 3:19pm in

There are growing calls to end the requirement for every single fucking person you follow on social media to post an image of their COVID-19 rapid antigen test result.

Human interest groups say the mandatory post no longer serves any purpose and needs to be reconsidered. “It’s become unnecessarily tiring, time-consuming and annoying – and that’s for the people posting the images. Spare a thought for those of us who have to scroll through a hundred of them,” Monica Ko, an expert on the issue, said.   

“I think we all were on board with the rule in late 2021 when it was first introduced, but it’s time to move on now”.

She has also called for the ‘Guys, I’m pregnant’ caption to be phased out immediately. “It places a heavy burden on friends and family to respond saying it’s a funny and original joke. We want to be able to free people up from having to do that,” she said.

Victorian Premier Dan Andrews said the requirement would not be changing any time soon. “I think we can all agree that it’s a funny joke, which is why we’re asking Victorians to keep doing it for a little longer”.

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