satire

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Morrison does emergency photo op in Lebanese kebab shop to prove he’s not racist

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 05/04/2022 - 8:54am in

Chanting “I can’t be racist if I eat kebabs,” a frantic Scott Morrison has set up a last-minute photo shoot showing him preparing a lamb kebab at a Lebanese restaurant in Western Sydney.

“I love kebabs! They’re my favourite food!” Morrison posted on Instagram, forgetting that he had posted just a week ago that his favourite food was Indian curry.

“And my favourite type of kebab is a Lebanese kebab. I have lots of Lebanese friends,” the caption continued.

Morrison has been accused by several people within the Liberal Party of using racist remarks during a preselection battle with Lebanese opponent Michael Towke in 2007. But the PM hoped to quash those claims by dressing up as a kebab shop owner and posting about in on social media.

“Lebanon is a country in the Middle East. The capital of Lebanon is Beirut. Baba ganoush,” the Instagram caption continued, before randomly listing culturally relevant Lebanese words.

It was later revealed the photo shoot actually took place in a Turkish kebab shop.

PM says false ‘Moslem’ allegations ‘Probably made up by that Russian, Albo’

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 04/04/2022 - 11:44am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

The Prime Minister has strongly denied allegations he warned preselectors that his 2007 Lebanese Catholic opponent in the seat of Cook was ‘a Moslem’, saying they are lies that have probably been made up by Putin ally and well-known Russian operative Anthony Albanese.

“The idea that I would make up assertions about someone’s background just to suit the narrative of the day is, quite frankly, something that has all the hallmarks of a smear campaign from Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese – or Antoni Albanensky as he is apparently known to his friends,” the PM said.

The Prime Minister said that it was ridiculous to think he would try to exploit Islamophiobia in The Shire just because the Cronulla riots were in the minds of voters at the time. “By that logic, you would infer that I try to exploit anti-Chinese sentiment whenever China is in the news. Well I’m sorry, but that’s not true, and in fact it sounds like something that our China-loving colleagues in the Labor Party would make up”.

He reiterated that his party was committed to diversity, with several members holding dual citizenship with the UK.

Headline by By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

“Some of my best friends aren’t racist”

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 04/04/2022 - 8:26am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has strongly rejected claims he undermined a rival candidate on the basis of race in his 2007 preselection battle, saying it is simply not possible given he has several friends who are not racist.

“It’s simply not in my character. Not everyone is aware of this, but I actually know a lot of people in the non-racist community. Some of them I consider close friends,” he said.

“Just last week I had coffee with someone who isn’t racist, so I think it’s fair to say I know this community pretty well”.  

Asked to name some of these people, the PM was dismissive. “Look, I’m not going to provide a list of people for you right here and now, that wouldn’t be appropriate. But they do exist and I’m happy to sign a statutory declaration at a later date to confirm that they do”.

MENSA Name Change Sparks Fury

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 01/04/2022 - 6:00pm in

Tags 

history, satire

Otto English reveals another controversial branding change in the name of gender equality

GET THE CURRENT EDITION OF BYLINE TIMES NOW

There was predictable outrage earlier this week when it was revealed that a pub in Devon had renamed its ‘ploughman’s lunch’ a ‘plough-person’s lunch’ in a welcome nod to gender equality.

"Now the Ploughman’s lunch is cancelled!” Declared the Mail Online and soon readers were frothing angrily about the menu of a pub they had never visited and a lunch they had not bought.

“This pub should be boycotted!” Wrote one commentator called Alan.

“I’ve not been to this pub and now I never will!” Wrote Twitter user @BasilBrawlty7193393.

“A ploughman’s lunch was traditionally cheese, bread and ONIONS which was eaten by MEN who ploughed the fields, which WOMEN didn’t as it was hard labour intensive work!” Senior Squirrel added, in between hitting ‘shift’ on his keyboard “it dates back to the 1850’s! I sincerely hope this.. madness results in a thoroughly deserved drop off in trade.”

Well, I hate to contradict ‘Senior Squirrel’ and Mr. 7193393 but the ploughman’s lunch in its current form is not that old. There is mention of cheese and bread in 'Pierce the Ploughman’s Creed', a 14th Century alliterative poem, but the term itself was cooked up (or rather fermented) by the Cheese Bureau in the 1950s and later promoted by the Milk Marketing Board as a marketing scheme.  

This is, of course, just another front in the ever more tiresome ‘war on woke’ whose only benefit, as far as I can tell, has been to give column inches and airtime to right-wing journalists and much needed time off for their partners.

Recent months have been a positive boon time for ‘anti-woke crusaders’ and angry people on GB News. Earlier this year Marks and Spenser announced that it was (quite rightly) changing the name of ‘Midget Gems’ sweets to ‘Mini Gems’ and Mars has recently announced that it will be rebranding M and M characters to make them more inclusive. There was more welcome fuel to the fury fire when Primark revealed its ‘parenthood’ range last month which led to the hilarious spectacle of late middle-aged men declaring that they would boycott the goods.

Now, in a further development, Byline Times can exclusively reveal that MENSA International plans today to announce that it will henceforth be known as PEOPLESA International.

In the words of Imayda Uppa, the head of branding at PEOPLESA International, the move has been deliberately taken: “to wind up those boring angry bigots who seem to dominate so much of the conversation and to encourage people more generally to think for themselves, check facts, divine truth from fiction and consider the way we are manipulated and the danger of fake news and disinformation in our modern world.”

Byline Times reached out to Nigel Farage for predictable comment but he had apparently gone off with Lord Hannan on one of the latter’s fictional walks.

So instead, we asked BasilBrawlty7193393 for his take on the move. He told us:

“This is typical of the wokerati’s cancel agenda, which seeks to erase white men like me and replace them with migrant workers. I’m a MAN and as such I will be boycotting MENSA (of which I was never a member) and all the other left wing woke places like the M and M factory. Can’t people leave everything alone? Have they not read Jordan Peterson? DON’T THEY UNDERSTAND THE HATE THEY ARE SPREADING by changing things and making the world nicer, fairer, better, kinder and more inclusive place?”  

We wish him a speedy recovery from his burst blood vessel and you all a very happy 1 April.

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PM’s Creepy Mate Chuffed At His Gold Manila Folder Farewell Gift

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 01/04/2022 - 1:00pm in

The Prime Minister’s creepy mate George Christensen has thanked his parliamentary colleagues for the gift of a golden manila folder that they purchased for him as he farewells parliament.

”Nice of everyone to chip in and buy me a folder,” said the soon to be former member for Dawson. ”Would’ve been nice if they filled it with cash, or porn.”

”Anyway, will look good on my desk in Manila next year when I take over as Ambassador.”

When asked what he has done in his time in Parliament to deserve being appointed Ambassador, the member for Dawson said: ”No Australian politician has pressed more flesh in Manila than me.”

”Besides, I told ScoMo that if he didn’t make me Ambassador I’d let the press know where all the bodies were buried.”

”And I know, as I helped bury a lot of them.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, the boys are throwing me a farewell party at the Spearmint Table Tennis Playing Rhino, can’t be late.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Government revealed as elaborate April Fool’s Day prank

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 01/04/2022 - 9:17am in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Australia’s Federal government is a joke, it has been revealed.

“I can’t believe you guys fell for it actually,” Josh Frydenberg said on behalf of the government, describing what is thought to be the longest set up ever for a joke.

“We’ve been giving so many hints along the way. Bringing pieces of coal into Parliament, promising to build carparks in marginal electorates but then not actually building them, nipping off on holiday when the country is in crisis. I thought we were being too obvious to be honest.

“But then over the past few weeks we decided to dial it up even further … to give people one last chance to figure it out. We had people calling the PM a psycho. Concetta Fierravanti-Wells literally stood up and said – in Parliament – that the Prime Minister was unfit to be Prime Minister, and no-one twigged. It was right there in her speech!”

He said there have been clues stretching back years. “I mean really – a government that covers up an alleged rape, backgrounds against the victim’s partner, calls the victim a lying cow, sends the minister in question on paid leave and then claims to be listening to women. I mean it’s simply not plausible that a government would do that,” he said.

“And that’s just that start of it. We totally fucked up the vaccination roll-out during the biggest pandemic in 100 years, when that was literally the only task we had. And then 12 months later we fucked up the roll out of rapid antigen tests. You can’t make that sort of shit up … actually, turns out you can”.

The Treasurer said the prank had been years in the making. “Oh yeah, from day 1 we were setting this up. Do you remember a few years back when I misplaced $60 billion? Billion, not million. That’s more than the annual GDP of a lot of countries. I personally thought it was too ridiculous, but the guys said give it a go and see what happens. And everyone just went along with it”.

Mr Frydenberg said he thought sending people away on empathy training courses in 2021 would be the straw the broke the camel’s back.

“I thought we were going to give the game away to be honest. It was too much. I even said to the guys, ‘Let’s just hold off on this one, it’s too ridiculous, we’ll get found out.

“But they proved me wrong, because they went ahead with it anyway. Let’s be clear here, empathy courses aren’t even a thing. It’s just something we made up! And then, after all of that – and this is where I thought the whole thing was going to fall over – Morrison comes out and says, ‘I’m listening to women!’ For real! I’m crying!

“But everyone fell for it and we’re still in government, so I guess we’ll just keep going”.

Lismore residents told to evacuate to avoid being hit by another PR disaster

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 31/03/2022 - 9:08am in

Fresh evacuation orders have been issued for residents of Lismore, with experts warning that the area could be flooded with PR catastrophes from the Prime Minister’s Office for the second time in a month.

Earlier, residents in parts of east and north Bellingen, Newry Island, Urunga CBD and Bellinger Keys were told to leave immediately, lest they be forced to shake hand with the Prime Minister, give over a commandeered piece of work equipment for photo opportunity use, or be completely ignored by the PM when they ask him a completely reasonable question about their concerns.

Speaking to the press this morning, Prime Minister Scott Morrison described the scenes of Lismore’s flooding as ‘distressing’. “This town is just crying out for someone to put on a fun costume and play working-class hero,” he said.

Morrison said it was heart-warming to see images of Australians helping each other, but advised it really should be left until there are professional camera crews to document it for social media.

By Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

Morrison tells renters to buy house using equity from their existing investment properties

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 30/03/2022 - 3:17pm in

In response to claims renters had missed out on assistance in this year’s budget, Scott Morrison has urged low income earners to bite the bullet and buy a house using the equity they’ve built up in their investment portfolios.

“It’s basic common sense,” Morrison told the Today Show this morning. “I hear a lot of people complaining that they can’t afford to pay their rent, or can’t afford the weekly shop. And I say to them ‘Use the dividends from your share portfolio or leverage the equity in your property investments – that’s what it’s there for’.

“Sure, we’d all like to save that equity to buy additional investment properties. But at some point you’re going to need to take a step back and say, one of those houses is going to be for me to live in”.

He said young people were often unaware of simple tips for getting into the housing market. “One of the things I always tell young people who say they can’t afford a house is ‘get a high paying job’. Let’s face it, nothing makes it harder to buy property than getting stuck in a cycle of average earnings.

“Preferably, become Prime Minister. I’ve found that one of the best ways to avoid getting bogged down in monthly rental payments is to get the taxpayer to fund two thirty-room houses for you. It’s pretty simple really”.

Senator calls Morrison “Corrupt, racist, autocratic bully” in third most stinging criticism of PM from his colleagues this year

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 30/03/2022 - 12:11pm in

Tags 

the nation, satire

Liberal Senator Concetta Fierravanti-Wells said Scott Morrison is not fit to be Prime Minister, lacks a moral compass, is racist, guilty of corruption and is a bully, in an fiery nine-minute speech that ranks among the top three or four insults of the PM from one of his own colleagues this year.  

While Fierravanti-Wells stopped short of calling Morrison a ‘complete psycho’ or a ‘horrible, horrible man’, she did say he was a manipulative bully who used his so-called faith as a marketing advantage.

Sources within the Liberal Party say it’s the most explosive attack on the Prime Minister’s character they’ve seen from someone within their own party since Gladys Berejiklian’s text messages were leaked in late January.  

“It’s up there. Certainly the worst thing a member of the Coalition has said about the PM in public this week. It’s probably even worse than when Barnaby Joyce called him a hypocrite and a liar who couldn’t be trusted,” one Liberal source said.  

“It certainly suggests she’s spent time with him,” another insider said.  

Petrol station going to need a few weeks to pass on price change it took a few minutes to pass on last month

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 30/03/2022 - 10:20am in

Saying that price changes can’t just be made at the drop of a hat, a local petrol station has told customers that the effect of the Government’s 20 cent-per-litre excise cut will take at least a couple of weeks to filter through to the bowser.

Petrol station owner Dan Balwin, who was selling petrol for $1.40 a litre earlier this year, said prices don’t just go up and down like a yoyo. “There’s this idea that we can just change the price whenever we want. That as soon as we hear news of a change in market conditions we have the ability to instantly adjust the sign out the front of the station in anticipation of what’s coming.

“The fact is, it doesn’t work like that. Unless of course when the price is going up, in which case it always works like that”.

He said there was a misunderstanding about how the pricing system operated. “To change the price on a petrol station sign there’s this dial you need to turn – either up or down. For some reason turning it up is really easy – it almost turns itself. But if you want to turn it the other way, you need to give it two weeks’ notice, fill out a form, do a three-day OH&S safety course and then slowly massage the dial as you turn it, so it doesn’t get frightened. It’s quite a complex process”.

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