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Half of new jobs created last quarter were for Scott Morrison photo ops

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 18/03/2022 - 10:05am in

Australia’s employment market has continued to strengthen, with an extra 77,000 new jobs created in February, most of those for two-minute photo ops of the Prime Minister pretending to work.

In the last quarter alone Scott Morrison has worked as a hairdresser, truck driver, welder, basketball court sweeper, airline pilot, tank driver and builder, and in doing so has single-handedly increased Australia’s employment numbers to their highest levels ever. Analysis by the Department of Education, Skills and Employment shows that in total Morrison has taken on over 40,000 new roles.

Employment Minister Stuart Robert said the figures were an ‘extraordinary’ result.  “Australia is one of the few countries to have more people employed now than pre-pandemic, and we can thank our Prime Minister for playing a huge role in personally taking on so many of those new jobs,” he said.

The PM said he was happy to play his part in kick-starting the nation’s jobs market, and looked forward to pretending to do thousands of other jobs in the lead up to the federal election. He would not confirming when he was planning take on the role of Prime Minister.

Government to allow Aussies to negatively gear tank of petrol

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 17/03/2022 - 10:05am in

The Federal Government says it will pass legislation that will allow Australians to take out a tax deductible investment mortgage on a tank of petrol, and then rent out the tank to younger Australians who can’t afford to buy one outright.

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, who will announce the initiative as part of the upcoming Federal Budget, said having an investment tank of petrol was part of the Australian experience. “For a lot of regular Aussies, buying an investment tank that increases in value over time is a great way to fund retirement. You might take a loan on a $500 tank now, and then watch as that increases to $50,000 over the coming years”.

Under the plan, renters would pay a fee of $300 or $400 for each short trip they take, rather than having to buy a full tank, which is unattainable for many people.  

Sydney man Jeremy Nolan said he planned to build up a portfolio of tanks of petrol as part of his financial strategy. “I’ve got my eye on a 50 litre tank of BP 91 to get my foot in the market. But over time I’d like to add a Shell Premium 95 or even a Premium 98 if my bank will lend me the funds”.

Barnaby Tells Albo He Should’ve Worked Harder On His Marriage

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 16/03/2022 - 8:36am in

Aspiring Minister for Home Affairs Barnaby Joyce has told Opposition leader Anthony Albanese that he should’ve worked harder on his marriage, as Australian’s put great stock in a leader with a strong marriage.

”Albo can buy a new pair of slacks, have a chat with Karl but let’s be honest Australia wants to know what’s the deal with his Missus,” said the Member for New England. ”I mean we can’t have a leader of this fine country who can’t hold on to a marriage.”

”Imagine that, front page news of a politician having strife with the wife.”

When asked if it was hypocritical to criticise the Opposition leader’s personal life, given all that has happened on the Government’s side, the member for New England said: ”But we’re the Government we’ve proven our selves already, Albo hasn’t.”

”I mean sure he’s been deputy Prime Minister but did he ever try to knife his leader, or set up a blind trust?”

At least with us you know what you get.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to lobby Scott, err ScoMo to overturn the bonk ban.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

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Worker celebrates creation of 8-hour workday by working 12-hour public holiday shift

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 14/03/2022 - 4:01pm in

Melbourne café worker Sarah Debanski has once again been given the choice of punching out a 12-hour shift on a public holiday or losing her job, in what she described as a fitting way to commemorate Labor Day in Victoria and the creation of the 8-hour workday.

Struggling to catch public transport due to public holiday timetables, Debanski said waking at 5:45am and arriving home around 9:00pm was probably what labourers had in mind when they downed tools in Melbourne in the 1850s to demand shorter working hours, leading to the 40-hour work week and the Labour Day commemoration.

“Being available at any given moment, even when I’m not given shifts, having shifts cancelled at the last minute, and having to make unreasonable demands, like not having to choose between paying rent and eating food, is what Labour Day is all about,” she said.

Debanski said the 12-hour public holiday shift is an ancient tradition, with its roots stretching back to medieval Europe where serfs worked dawn to dusk. “Although at least they didn’t have to deal with anti-vaxxers”.

More as the shift drags on.

By Matt Harvey @mattharveystuff 

Scott Morrison declares 1864 Great Fire of Brisbane national emergency

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 11/03/2022 - 4:33pm in

Saying he wanted to get on the front foot before things got out of hand, Scott Morrison has declared a state of emergency in Queensland in response to the Great Fire that ripped through Brisbane 158 years ago. The fire is confirmed to have caused more than £60,000 in damage.

“Some of the charcoal drawings we’ve seen coming out of Brisbane are tragic and very concerning and I think it would be reckless of me not to declare an emergency today,” the PM told a press conference.

“Premier Anastasia Palaszczuk insists that Federal help is not needed to extinguish the coals and sweep up the ashes of Brisbane, but I’m not going to sit around and wait for her to give the green light,” he said.

Morrison rejected the idea he had been slow to respond to the tragedy, saying he was required to wait on orders from the King via carrier pigeon before declaring an emergency.

“As you would know, the battalion of the King’s musket men have set sail by order of His Majesty and are expected to arrive in 4 months, should kind winds prevail”. He brushed off criticism that he has used the tragedy to have oil paintings commissioned for publicity ahead of the next Federal election.

Police and politicians have appealed to conservative media outlets to please stop reporting that the fire was arson at the hands of the Jack Hall gang, given the root cause of the inferno had not yet been established.

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Scott Morrison finally apologises for delays in getting photographers to flood-ravaged communities

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 11/03/2022 - 12:27pm in

In an emotional mea culpa today, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has admitted he got it wrong on the Government’s response to the devastating east-coast floods and should have had photographers on site much sooner.

“To those of you in the communities of northern NSW and south-east Queensland, I am sorry. While we now have hundreds of professional camera crew on the ground in those areas, I acknowledge that this should have happened ten days ago”.

The Prime Minister said he’d listened and he’d heard the concerns of communities. “I’ve heard stories of people trapped on roofs, of people who have lost everything. And what they needed in that moment was a photo of a middle-aged man sweeping a basketball court. Or at the very least some soldiers pretending to push a wheelbarrow.

“The truth is, I was in quarantine. And as you know, staging photographs of me checking my phone in my boxer shorts takes up a lot of resources, and that’s why we were so thin on the ground initially in these food zones.

“But we’ll learn from this. Already I’ve asked my department to look into ways of getting more photographers to disaster areas more quickly. We’ll throw whatever it takes at this to get it right”.

PM asks Australia’s enemies to give 10 days’ notice on any surprise attacks

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/03/2022 - 12:23pm in

Scott Morrison has asked China and other adversaries to give him a heads up before they launch any military attacks on Australia, so he can take the time required to swing the ADF immediately into action. The request comes after the Prime Minister explained that the ADF’s support to the Lismore floods was slow because they “aren’t available to respond at a moment’s notice”.

Many Australian regiments are now having to change their mottos to reflect the new policy. The Army’s 1st Armoured Regiment’s motto will be changed from ‘Paratus’, which is Latin for ‘prepared’, to the more appropriate ‘Quandoque’ meaning ‘Whenever’. The First Command Regiment will change its motto from ‘Strike Swiftly’ to ‘Strike Sometime Next Week Once We Have The All-Clear From The Prime Minister’.

Given the rising threat of natural disasters and sabre rattling from China and Russia, the Australian military has been told to lift their defence protocols to “DEFCON Meh” so that the military can be ready to defend Australia or assist its citizens 10-12 days after civilians are forced to do everything themselves while choppers buzz overhead for photo opportunities.

Scott Morrison said he would “continue to support our troops as they help his re-election campaign with some good PR collateral.”

By Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

Lismore To Be Evacuated To Allow ScoMo To Take More Pics Of Himself

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 10/03/2022 - 8:02am in

Tags 

Politics, PR, satire, spin

The flood ravaged town of Lismore in NSW is to be evacuated later this week to allow Australian Prime Minister Scotty from marketing the opportunity to take in the damage and have his photo taken without being shouted down by disaffected locals.

”In an ideal World the PM would walk the streets, shake a few hands, pick up a few water damaged goods and hug a few locals,” said a Government Spokesperson. ”But, the fact is empathy isn’t really Scott, err ScoMo’s strong suit so it’s best we leave him to deal with those he feels most comfortable with.”

”His team of photographers.”

When asked if the PM was seriously going to inspect flood damage and not meet or be photographed with any locals, the Government Spokesperson said: ”Well, we may dress up a few young Lib’s to look like locals, so that counts doesn’t it.”

”Besides, the locals don’t want their picture taken with the PM, they want people to help them clean up their lives and assist them with moving forward.”

”That’s not the PM’s job, his job is to win elections and you don’t win elections by getting abused in flood zones for your lack of effort.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

We’re also on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/theunoz

The (un)Australian Live At The Newsagency Recorded live, to purchase click here:

https://bit.ly/2y8DH68

Scott arrives to help with washing up that Jenny’s just finished

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 09/03/2022 - 3:38pm in

Swanning into the kitchen with a tea-towel over his shoulder, Scott Morrison today asked wife Jenny whether there’s anything that needs to be done to help with the cleaning up that’s she’s just spent the last 45 minutes completing.

“Any dishes to dry, a bench to wipe down maybe, some plates to put away?” he said, taking the tea towel off his shoulder and pretending to search around the kitchen for something to dry.

“Oh, you’ve done everything already? Must’ve just missed it, damn!”

As Jenny put the last of the dishes away, the PM said he was at his wife’s service. “You just let me know how I can help. Anything at all, I’m here to pitch in,” he said as his wife pulled the plug to empty the sink.

Scott said he would have done more but didn’t hear his wife’s constant requests for help over the past hour. “Oh really? I would’ve been there earlier had someone told me. Mustn’t have heard it over the TV, sorry love. I had no idea that we’d need to clear up after eating a meal”.  

The PM stayed for a quick photo shoot of him holding a tea towel before returning to the lounge room to watch TV.

Starbucks to punish Russians by continuing to operate all 130 Russian stores

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 09/03/2022 - 11:09am in

In a decisive move designed to directly target Russian consumers, coffee giant Starbucks says it will keep its 130 Russian stores exactly where they are and continue to serve up the weak, milky dishwater it calls ‘coffee’ until Putin removes troops from Ukraine.

Critics questioned which side the Seattle-based chain was on after it initially announced plans to pull out of Russia, with many analysts claiming the move would give Russians a reprieve from being subjected to the awful beverages.

But in a statement today, the company said it had reversed its decision and would continue to target Russians with horrific coffee flavours such as Pumpkin-Spiced Latte and Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappaccino.  

“The last thing we want to do right now is to make it easier for Russians to enjoy the simple pleasure of a decent coffee,” the statement read. “So we’ve got a small but important role to play in luring Russians with faux-leather couches and terrible jazz in the hope of ruining their day by getting them to drink something truly awful”.

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