“Anti-Dickhead Vaccine Still At Least 12 Months Away” Say Desperate NRL Scientists

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 20/05/2020 - 6:20am in


Sport, Australia, virus


Development of a vaccine to stop rugby league players acting like dickheads off the field is still more than twelve months away and may never be discovered, despondent NRL scientists reported yesterday.

“We’re afraid that NRL players may have to be permanently isolated from the rest of society,” said leading rugby league biologist Dr Rex Biffo. “Testing the vaccine will not be easy as it will involve injecting a sample group of players and then leaving them alone in a pub in Bali until a fight breaks out.”

People at high risk of contracting a dickhead virus related injury have been asked to self isolate themselves from rugby league players.

“There are two types of blokes who get in a fight with rugby league players,” said researcher Professor Gloria Squirrel-Grippe. “Blokes Who Can’t Take A Joke; and Blokes Who Give Them A Bit Of Lip. If you fit into either of these high risk categories I’d suggest not visiting Las Vegas in the weeks following Mad Monday.”

When asking rugby league players to modify their dickheadish behaviour in order to flatten the curve, the head NRL scientist was told by the players to get lost or they would flatten him.

Peter Green
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Shaw’s Classic Defence of Socialism for Women Part Three

George Bernard Shaw, The Intelligent Woman’s Guide to Socialism, Capitalism, Sovietism and Fascism, foreword by Polly Toynbee (London: Alma Classics 2012).

Socialism and Marriage, Children, Liberty and Religion

Shaw also discusses what socialism would mean for marriage, liberty, children and the churches, and these are the most problematic sections of the book. He looks forward to marriage being a purely voluntary commitment, where people people can marry for love instead of financial advancement. This will produce biologically better children, because people will be able to choose the best partners, rather than be limited to only those from their class. At the same time incompatible partners will be able to divorce each other free of stigma.

He defines liberty in terms of personal freedom. Under socialism, people will be freer because the amount of time they will have for their personal amusement and recreation will be greater. Legislation might go down, because the laws currently needed to protect people will become unnecessary as socialism is established and society advances. Shaw also believes that greater free time would be enough to attract the top brains to management positions in the absence of the usual inducement of greater pay. Shaw realised that not everyone could run industries, and that it was necessary to hire the very best people, who would be a small minority. Giving them greater leisure time was the best way to do this, and he later criticises the Soviet government for not equalising incomes.

But this is sheer utopianism. The Bolsheviks had tried to equalise incomes, and it didn’t work, which is why they went back to higher rates of pay for managers and so on. And as we’ve seen, socialism doesn’t necessarily lead to greater free time and certainly not less legislation. The better argument is that socialism leads to greater liberty because under socialism people have better opportunities available to them for careers, sport, entertainment and personal improvement than they would if they were mere capitalist wage slaves.

Religious people will also object to his views on religion and the churches. While earlier in the book Shaw addressed the reader as a fellow Christian, his attitude in this section is one of a religious sceptic. The reader will have already been warned of this through the foreword by Toynbee. The Groaniad columnist is a high-ranking member of the both the Secular and Humanist Societies, and her columns and articles in just about every magazine or newspaper she wrote for contained sneers at religion. Shaw considers the various Christian denominations irreconcilable in their theologies, and pour scorn on orthodox Christian doctrines such as the Atonement, that Christ died for our sins. Religion should not be taught in school, because of the incompatibility of the account of the Creation in Genesis with modern science. Children should not be taught about religion at all under they are of the age of consent. If their parents do teach them, the children are to be removed from their care. This is the attitude of very aggressive secularists and atheists. Richard Dawkins had the same attitude, but eventually reversed it. It’s far too authoritarian for most people. Mike and I went to a church school, and received a very good education from teachers that did believe in evolution. Religion deals with ultimate questions of existence and morality that go far beyond science. I therefore strongly believe that parents have the right to bring their children up in their religion, as long as they are aware of the existence of other views and that those who hold them are not wicked simply for doing so. He also believed that instead of children having information pumped into them, the business should be to educate children to the basic level they need to be able to live and work in modern society, and then allow the child to choose for itself what it wants to study.

Communism and Fascism

This last section of the book includes Shaw’s observations on Russian Communism and Fascism. Shaw had visited the USSR in the early ’30s, and like the other Fabians had been duped by Stalin. He praised it as the new socialist society that was eradicating poverty and class differences. He also thought that its early history vindicated the Fabian approach of cautious nationalisation. Lenin had first nationalised everything, and then had to go back on it and restore capitalism and the capitalist managers under the New Economic Policy. But Russia was to be admired because it had done this reversal quite openly, while such changes were kept very quiet in capitalism. If there were problems in the country’s industrialisation, it was due to mass sabotage by the kulaks – the wealthy peasants – and the industrialists. He also recognised that the previous capitalist elite were disenfranchised, forced into manual labour, and their children denied education until the working class children had been served. At the same time, the Soviet leaders had been members of the upper classes themselves, and in order to present themselves as working class leaders had claimed working class parentage. These issues were, however, gradually working themselves out. The Soviet leaders no longer had need of such personal propaganda, and the former capitalists could reconcile themselves to the regime as members of the intellectual proletariat. And some of the industrialisation was being performed by criminals, but this was less arduous than the labour in our prisons.

Shaw is right about the NEP showing that nationalisation needs to be preceded by careful preparation. But he was obviously kept ignorant of the famine that was raging in the USSR through forced collectivisation and the mass murder of the kulaks. And rather than a few criminals in the gulags, the real figures were millions of forced labourers. They were innocent of any crime except Stalin’s paranoia and the need of his managers for cheap slave labour. It’s believed that about 30 millions died in Stalin’s purges, while 7 million died in the famine in the Ukraine.

Shaw’s treatment of Fascism seems to be based mostly on the career of Mussolini. He considers Fascism just a revival of the craze for absolute monarchy and military leadership, of the kind that had produced Henry VIII in England, Napoleon, and now Mussolini, Adolf Hitler, the Shah of Iran and Ataturk in Turkey. These new absolute rulers had started out as working class radicals, before find out that the changes they wanted would not come from the working class. They had therefore appealed to the respectable middle class, swept away democracy and the old municipal councils, which were really talking shops for elderly tradesmen which accomplished little. They had then embarked on a campaign against liberalism and the left, smashing those organisations and imprisoning their members. Some form of parliament had been retained in order to reassure the people. At the same time, wars were started to divert the population and stop them criticising the new generalissimo. Industry was approaching socialism by combining into trusts. However, the government would not introduce socialism or truly effective government because of middle class opposition. Fascist regimes wouldn’t last, because their leaders were, like the rest of us, only mortal. In fact Mussolini was overthrown by the other Fascists, who then surrendered to the Allies, partly because of his failing health. That, and his utter military incompetence which meant that Italy was very definitely losing the War and the Allies were steadily advancing up the peninsula. While this potted biography of the typical Fascist is true of Mussolini, it doesn’t really fit some of the others. The Shah, for example, was an Indian prince.

Anarchism and Syndicalism

Shaw is much less informed about anarchism. He really only discusses it in terms of ‘Communist Anarchism’, which he dismisses as a silly contradiction in terms. Communism meant more legislation, while anarchism clearly meant less. He should have the articles and books on Anarcho-communism by Peter Kropotkin. Kropotkin believed that goods and services should be taken over by the whole community. However, rather than a complete absence of government and legislation, society would be managed instead by individual communities and federations.

He also dismisses syndicalism, in which industry would be taken over and run by the trade unions. He considers this just another form of capitalism, with the place of the managers being taken by the workers. These would still fleece the consumer, while at the same time leave the problem of the great inequality in the distribution of wealth untouched, as some industries would obviously be poorer than others. But the Guild Socialists did believe that there should be a kind of central authority to represent the interests of the consumer. And one of the reasons why nationalisation, in the view of some socialists, failed to gain the popular support needed to defend it against the privatisations of the Tories is because the workers in the nationalised industries after the War were disappointed in their hopes for a great role in their management. The Labour party merely wanted nationalisation to be a simple exchange of public for private management, with no profound changes to the management structure. In some cases the same personnel were left in place. Unions were to be given a role in management through the various planning bodies. But this was far less than many workers and trade unionists hoped. If nationalisation is to have any meaning, it must allow for a proper, expanded role of the workers themselves in the business of managing their companies and industries.

The book ends with a peroration and a discussion of the works that have influenced and interest Shaw. In the peroration Shaw exhorts the readers not to be upset by the mass poverty and misery of the time, but to deplore the waste of opportunities for health, prosperity and happiness of the time, and to look forward and work for a better, socialist future.

His ‘Instead of a Bibliography’ is a kind of potted history of books critical of capitalism and advocating socialism from David Ricardo’s formulation of capitalism in the 19th century. These also include literary figures like Ruskin, Carlyle and Dickens. He states that he has replaced Marx’s theory of surplus value with Jevons‘ treatment of rent, in order to show how capitalism deprives workers of their rightful share of the profits.



NRL To Sell Small Team Colour Coffins For Unvaccinated Kiddies

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 15/05/2020 - 7:49am in


The NRL have announced today a new line of merchandise to be launched to coincide with the restart of the season, small team colour coffins for the unvaccinated children in the family.

“We’ve seen a lot of talk about a couple of our players who are against vaccinating their children and been surprised by the amount of people who support their views,” said a League Spokesperson. ”So, we thought we’d jump on the bandwagon and get some anti-vax themed merch out there, like coffins.”

”After all, if we lose these kiddies before they grow up at least they can be buried in their favourite team’s coloured coffin.”

When asked why the league was seemingly jumping through hoops to accommodate the minority of players who are anti-vaccination, the Spokesperson said: ”Ah, look it’s best if we keep these guys playing and occupied. Could you imagine how many blogs or YouTube clips these blokes could make if they weren’t training.”

“Besides it could be worse, we could be letting them go out to visit the schools.”

Mark Williamson

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Cricket Australia Outlaws Using Spit to Shine Ball: Opts For Sand Paper Instead

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 11/05/2020 - 1:00pm in


Sport, Australia, India


Cricket Australia chief Kevin Roberts flagged a flurry of new rules for cricket in reaction to the COVID-19 crisis that has hit the sport. Roberts has suggested practices such as using spit to shine a ball need to be replaced by tried and tested methods to get the ball moving, sandpaper.

“We have a rich history in using innovate ways to shine the ball and I really think it can play to Australia’s advantage. We all want players to return to a safe playing environment and removing spit from the game is a necessity”, Robert said.

“We also wouldn’t be allowing just any type of sandpaper to be used. We would restrict it to fine or very fine grit sandpaper varieties. As in our experience this has worked best to get movement from the ball.”

It’s a sad time for the sport with the advent of social distancing regulations impacting a variety of cricket traditions. Roberts went on to say: “We may have seen our last tongue in ear celebration which was pioneered by Merv Hughes. It’s a sad day indeed.”
Steve Waugh, ex Australian cricket captain also weighed into the debate suggesting that many Australian hallmarks would continue. “Even with social distancing we can continue to sledge like the World Champions we are”.

India is still planning a tour of Australia later in the year and when asked if India would also be allowed access to sandpaper Australian cricket captain Tim Paine replied: “The only way to stop India is to stop Kohli. We have active plans in place to make him an Australian citizen and have him play for us instead. As soon as he lands we’ll hand him some sandpaper and say ‘welcome to the team.'”

Cricket Australia is also looking at new measures for the bowling team where they will be given 5 minutes each drinks break to use a range of power tools on the ball including an industrial grade polisher.

Exciting new fan engagement ideas are also being considered with a lucky viewer or ‘fan of the match’ gets to keep the official match sandpaper.

Kristin Boesenberg

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Gold Coast Titans Unveil Spotted Jersey For NRL Anti-Vax Round

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 11/05/2020 - 7:36am in


Gold Coast Titans rugby league players have proudly modeled the special spotted uniform they will be wearing in the NRL’s upcoming anti-vaxxer round.

“We’re proud that a bunch of blokes mainly known for their ability to take a series of heavy blows to the head have so enthusiastically embraced their role as ambassadors at the cutting edge of medical research,” said Titans CEO Ted Rubella. “Though we have scotched the rumours that the boys will be pulling on the same jerseys if the team makes it to the World Club Challenge in the northern hemisphere, because everyone knows you’ll fall off the edge of the world if you attempt to travel from Australia to England.”

Other clubs have also revealed the designs for their jumpers, with the Manly Sea Eagles sporting a bubonic plague black buboe motif, the Canberra Raiders featuring a lumpy mumps themed top, and the Wests Tigers vowing to take to the field wearing polio style leg calipers.

The leg calipers are predicted to greatly improve the playing ability of the Wests Tigers.

Peter Green

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Ho Ho! Black Guardian Embarrassed by Her Bookshelf

Sarah Vine plotting the Doctor’s downfall and intergalactic domination.

Here’s a bit of comic relief amidst the continuing grim reality of the Coronavirus crisis. Sarah Vine, Mail columnist and wife of Michael Gove, managed to give the online public a few moments of fun when she gave them a very revealing look at her and her husband’s taste in reading matter.

Vine’s proud of her husband’s membership of Boris’ cabinet, and has taken to giving herself the pretentious internet monicker of @WestminsterWAG, as she clearly regards being the other half of an MP as glamorous as being a footballer’s wife or girlfriend. And to show her and her husband’s astonishing good fortune, she took a picture of Gove taking the daily Downing Street briefing as it appeared on the TV in their home and posted it on Twitter with the caption ‘Surreal’. The TV was underneath a set of bookshelves, and it was their contents which gave such great amusement to those looking at her Tweet. Former New Labour spin doctor Alistair Campbell picked out a few particularly noticeable volumes, and tweeted at her that ‘having Hitler, Rommel and Napoleon next to Maggie is not a good look.’

Now there are a number of ways Vine could have reacted to this gibe. She could have made the obvious comment that reading about notorious people doesn’t mean you want to imitate them. The amount written and published about Hitler and the Nazis is colossal, but mercifully very few people reading about them are murderous racists and anti-Semites. Ditto for Napoleon. The Napoleonic period is fascinating because it is such a critical period in European history, when French armies marched across the Continent with the intention of building an empire. But obviously that doesn’t mean that everyone reading about the Corsican general has similar megalomaniac ambitions. As it was, she simply replied “Don’t be so absurd. They are books. You should try them sometimes – you can learn a lot from them. You will note there is also a Peter Mandelson”. And that’s where she should have left it. Unfortunately, she couldn’t resist posting another Tweet, saying “As a very special treat for my trolls and [Alastair Campbell] here is another bookshelf. There are about 20 more. Enjoy!” And the peeps on Twitter did just that. And it wasn’t pretty.

Owen Jones spotted a copy of The War Path, the prequel by David Irving to his Hitler’s War. That’s the David Irving, who really is an anti-Semite and Holocaust denier. Mehdi Hasan and another Tweeter noticed that she also had a copy of The Bell Curve, a book arguing that intelligence is linked to race. Jones further remarked commented on her reaction to his criticism about an article in the Spectator by Rod Liddle arguing that there should be more islamophobia in the Tory party. Vine called the article ‘Clever and funny’. Dawn Foster tweeted that she’d read Gove’s ‘virulently islamophobic’ Celsius 7/7 and written about his time as education minister, and it was obvious that The Bell Curve had strongly influenced his thinking. It was, she said, ‘dangerous, racist rubbish’. That’s nearly everyone said about The Bell Curve, including a great many scientists, which is why it’s been torn to pieces by critics. Libcom Dot Org also noticed that Vine and Gove owned a copy of Alan Benoist’s Beyond Human Rights: Defending Freedom, adding the significant information that Benoist’s a central figure in the European New Right and Third Positionist movements. The latter movement is a revisionist strain of White Nationalism that doesn’t want Blacks and Asians to be deported from Britain and Europe. But they do want them to be segregated. Zelo Street in their article about Vine and Gove’s wretchedly poor choice in reading matter added that Benoist also has White Nationalist and Russian Fascist links as well.

Vine then got very huffy about all this criticism, and Tweeted  “Extraordinary how many people on here seem to be so censorious of books and the idea of knowledge. In common with the Nazis, the Spanish Inquisition, Communist Russia – and pretty much every despotic, brutal regime you can think of. Says it all, really”. But political liberalism, in the broad sense of defending and upholding free democratic societies, in which people are not persecuted because of their religion or ethnicity, also means recognising and condemning ideological threats. It’s why Mein Kampf was banned in Germany until a few years ago, and why decent bookshops won’t stock copies of The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. It’s also somewhat rich for Vine to compare her critics to dictatorships and other savagely repressive movements when the Daily Mail has based much of its sales tactics on stoking similar outrage and demanding anything left-wing or otherwise controversial to be banned.

It also doesn’t change the fact that while the books on Hitler, Rommel and Napoleon don’t mean that Vine and Gove are admirers of right-wing megalomaniacs and dictators, the other books do show that they have a very dangerous taste for the ideas of real racists and Fascists.



Sportsbet Release Market On Which NRL Club Will Ruin Revamped Season

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 24/04/2020 - 7:00am in




With news that the NRL is on track for an end of May relaunch gambling company Sportsbet has released the market on which NRL club will ruin the revamped season.

”What an exciting time it is for sports fans,” said a Sportsbet Spokesperson. “Rugby is back and so is the opportunity to bet on it.”

”Of course we will be offering odds on who will win but until the season restarts why not get in on which club or player will stuff the season up.”

When asked why they were so sure a club or player would ruin the season, the Spokesperson said: ”Because it’s the NRL, that is what they do.”

“Do you not remember earlier this year when they had to sack 2 of their players for sleeping with school kids, not to mention the countless cases of domestic violence charges that we’ve seen.”

“And this was all done whilst they weren’t under lockdown. Can you imagine almost 500 players and staff all locked up in the one area. Heck we should just film that, would be way more interesting than the game.”

The NRL season is slated to re-start on May 28th. With Sportsbet offering 5 to 1 odds of this actually occurring.

Mark Williamson


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NSW Premier Tells NRL They Can’t Return Before Schools

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 16/04/2020 - 11:04am in


Sport, schools, Sports


NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian has told the NRL that she would not let the competition restart until she could ensure the safety of all the states’ children, by ensuring they were safe and sound back in school.

“I realise we do need to get things going, and sport is vital not just for the economy but also for people’s mental health,” said the Premier. ”However, we can’t just let them go now whilst the kids aren’t in school. That’s just not a scenario I want to see.”

”I mean, we saw what happened earlier in the year when  someone let the NRL players into a school. I can’t risk that happening again.”

When asked for their thoughts on the Premier’s declaration, an NRL spokesperson said: ”No arguments from us! We just want the season to start up again so we can stop stressing about what our players are up to.”

”The idea of putting them in a bubble isn’t for their safety – it’s for the general public’s.”

”I mean, you’ve seen what they get up to whilst they’re playing and training. God knows what they will get up to with no footy to keep them occupied!”

Mark Williamson


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Magpies Postpone Swooping Season Till December

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 31/03/2020 - 7:59am in


Faced with the possibility that the streets will still be bare of people in September, Australia’s magpies have reluctantly pushed back the swooping season to December.

“What’s the point of swooping season if there’s no-one to swoop down on but a couple of posties, ginger cats and the odd weirdo scurrying home from the shops with a plastic bag full of toilet rolls,” sighed Tommy Rawkdonikis, CEO of Magpies Australia. “The only alternative is to conduct the whole season behind closed doors with some shop mannequins set up in a field somewhere.”

“September is still six months away but people don’t understand the amount of preparation that goes into a successful swooping season,” lamented Lidcombe magpie Arthur Squawkins. “There’s big tall trees to be scouted out, busy parks to be allocated and beaks to be sharpened.”

Some magpies fear a return to the war years where so many Australians were fighting overseas that the streets were nearly empty, leading to ugly scenes where five or six magpies were forced to swoop the same postman.

“December is not an ideal time to hold the swooping season because it’s right in the middle of summer, which means there’s a plastic ice cream container in every fridge,” warned Ashfield magpie Les Bird. “On the plus side, people get shorter haircuts in hot weather, which means better access to ears.”

Peter Green

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Booing is for Babies

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 24/03/2020 - 8:44am in



In VFL/AFL football there is a time honoured tradition of the crowd being vocal during matches.