Tony Abbott

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Abbott and Howard Argue Over Who Should Be First To Provide Dyson Heydon With A Reference

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 23/06/2020 - 8:08am in

JOHN HOWARD OM FILE

Former Prime Ministers Tony Abbott and John Winston Howard have gotten in to a heated argument over who should be first to provide disgraced former High Court judge Dyson Heydon with a character reference.

”It was quite a discussion between the two former PM’s and at one stage it did look like Tony was considering shirt fronting John,” said a Liberal Party Insider. ”John was adamant that as he was the one to appoint Dyson to the High Court that he should be the one to defend him.”

”Whilst Tony wanted to atone to Dyson for not being able to knight him.”

When asked why the former Prime Ministers were so keen to provide references to disgraced prominent men, the Liberal Party Insider said: ”I don’t know it’s like someone cast a Pell, I mean spell over them.”

”They see a prominent white man of power in trouble and they leap to their defense.”

”If only they were so attentive to the victims of men like Heydon and Pell.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Abbott Uses Queen’s Birthday Honour To Lobby For The Return Of Knights And Dames

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 09/06/2020 - 8:11am in

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Former Prime Minister and newly awarded companion of the order of Australia (AC) Tony Abbott has called upon the Government to bring back knights and dames to Australian society.

”Judging by the chatter that I’m hearing not only in the streets but also on social media I think the Australian people are clamoring for more titles and awards,” said Tony Abbott AC. ”It certainly got the nation talking when I demoted Prince Philip to a Sir.”

”Imagine the nationwide chatter if the current Prime Minister were to announce a knighthood to I don’t know say Prince Andrew.”

When asked why he felt the Government should focus on knights and dames in the middle of a pandemic, Tony Abbott said: ”It’s all about the optics. You see sure the Government could talk about pandemics, recessions, heck even an upcoming depression.”

”But why would they do that when they could talk about knights and dames. Dare I say it it if they knight the right type of person it may even spur the people on so to speak.”

”Sir Tony and Dame Peta do have a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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BREAKING: Queen’s Birthday Honours List Revealed

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 05/06/2020 - 10:32am in

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The (un)Australian has been leaked a copy of the Queen’s Birthday honours list that is due to be announced over the weekend. See below who will be honoured.

Andrew Bolt – For services to racism.

Tony Abbott – For service to the onion and satire industries.

All 3 of Sky News Australia’s viewers

Bill Shorten – For his ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Prince Andrew – For his work in child protection awareness.

Alan Jones –  For his service to Women.

The Nation’s Karens – For their efforts to keep middle management employed.

The cleaning crew from McDonald’s Engadine

Eric Abetz – For his loyalty to the Kaiser.

Miranda Devine – For improving Australia by moving overseas to New York.

Peter Dutton – In exchange for the release of the awards committee’s children.

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Sydney Wakes Up For The First Time In 35 Years Without A Shrill Noise Droning Through The Air

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 01/06/2020 - 6:46am in

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Sydney siders have woken up this morning for the first time in 35 years to relative silence, no longer having to endure a shrill rant like noise droning through the city.

”Mate, how good is it to be up and about on a Monday and not have to hear that shrill noise,” said a Wetherill Park based Office worker. ”It used to be everywhere, on the bus in a cab and on and on it went.”

”It was like a dentists drill going off in my head, a dentist’s drill telling me to be constantly angry.”

This morning’s shrill noise free morning coincidentally aligns with radio shock Alan Jones’ first day of retirement.

Mr Jones was unavailable for comment however his publicist did encourage us to join the two’s or people tuning into Sky News to watch the shock jock’s new show due to air on the network later this week.

For those missing the shrill noise the Australian society of dentists have uploaded audio of a drill to their website for free download.

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Australia’s Defamation Lawyers Mourn Alan Jones’ Retirement

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 29/05/2020 - 11:13am in

alan-jones

Australia’s defamation lawyers have all paused today for a minutes silence to pay tribute to retiring shock jock Alan Jones.

”It’s a very sad day for the defamation industry in Australia with the loss of the Alan Jones radio show,” said an Industry Spokesperson. ”I mean sure he’ll still be on Sky News but let’s be honest no one actually watches that channel.”

”With Alan retiring the legal system will be a lot poorer for it.”

When asked how lucrative Alan Jones was to the defamation industry, the Spokesperson said: ”Without Alan a lot of our lawyers would have had to settle for domestic ski holidays instead of heading overseas to Japan or Aspen in a good year.”

”Alan’s speak first and settle later approach to broadcasting is one we may never see again.”

”However, there is a glimmer of hope with young Ray Hadley still kicking around.”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Column: Scotty From Marketing’s Guide To Cooking Up A Leek

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 21/04/2020 - 11:00am in

ScoMo Curry

G’day Australia, it’s your old mate ScoMo here. Today I’m going to help you through another day of social isolation by teaching you how to cook up a leek.

It’s no secret that around Canberra I am known for my leaks.

Once you’ve had a leek from ScoMo you always come back wanting more. Why not a day goes by without someone, usually a journo, ringing up my office to inquire about when I will be cooking up a leek or two. These calls usually peak around budget time.

Now the key to a good leek is timing. Put it out there too early and it doesn’t attract a bite, too late and it’s yesterday’s news.

When preparing a leek it is essential to get the temperature right. I highly recommend cooking up a leek on high heat.

One thing you must be sure of is not to confuse a leek with a shallot, you cook up one of those and you won’t attract anything other than Abbotts.

So, once you’ve got your timing right and the heat is on voila time to release your leek. I find it’s best to do this slowly, maybe start with a favoured journalist.

Thank you all for looking at my recipe and for those who have a go you’ll get a go, you know. Hopefully this wasn’t too puzzling.

If it was too much of a puzzle then simply hand it off to the kids to keep them occupied.

Join me next time as I share with you my secret to skipping the lines at your local Maccas.

See you later Team Australia

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Pell Ecstatic To Once Again Be Free To Touch The Children Of Australia

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 07/04/2020 - 10:06am in

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Cardinal Pell has talked of his relief at being released from prison, following the overturning of his conviction by the High Court. The Cardinal spoke enthusiastically about being allowed to once again reach out and touch the children of Australia.

“I feel like a new boy,” said the Cardinal. ”What an opportunity I have been given – the chance to once again go out and really make a difference to the people of Australia.”

“Children are the future of this country and I hope I get the chance to once again leave my mark on them.

When asked what he planned to do with his new found freedom, the Cardinal said: ”Well, I must catch up with those who supported me through these tough times, Andrew Bolt, Tony Abbott and of course our Lord, Rupert Murdoch.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear the Mr Whippy truck coming, it’s been awhile since I’ve joined the kiddies for a lick.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Bolt Demands That The Nation’s Parks And Playgrounds Be Opened For George Pell

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 07/04/2020 - 7:00am in

Bolt

Australia’s ‘most-read blogger’ and aspiring detective Andrew Bolt has called upon the Nation’s leaders to cancel the Australia-wide lock down and open up the country’s parks and playgrounds from tomorrow, as he anticipates that disgraced Cardinal George Pell will be released from prison.

”I’m sure tomorrow that the High Court will free Cardinal Pell and therefore I think we as a nation need to roll out the red carpet, so to speak,” said Mr Bolt. ”The Cardinal has spent so long locked up in a cell that I’m sure he will want to run free through the parks.”

”I can just see it now – the Cardinal swinging on the swings and going down on the children on the slides.”

When asked if it were appropriate that Pell, who is still under investigation on other counts of abuse, should be allowed to frolic in parks with children, Andrew Bolt said: “The Cardinal is innocent, I mean how could he be guilty? He’s white!”

”I yearn for the day when this country stops chopping down tall poppies. Imagine a country where men of the stature of Cardinal Pell are free to reach out and touch the children.”

”What a world it would be!”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/theunoz.

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Abbott Tells ScoMo To Bring Back Knights And Dames To Lift The Public Mood

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 10/03/2020 - 7:00am in

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Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has called upon current Prime Minister Scott Morrison to lift the mood of the country by bringing back knights and dames.

”Bushfires, drought, corona and now a toilet paper shortage the people of Australia are dóing it tough and I think it’s time for Scotty to make a ‘Capatain’s Call’ so to speak and bring back Knights and Dames,” said Mr Abbott. ”I remember when I introduced knights and dames when I was PM, that really united the nation.”

”Then the year after when I knighted a Prince well that really did bring the country together.”

When asked who he thought the Prime Minister should knight or dame, Mr Abbott said: ”There are many, many worthy recipients, Prince Andrew for instance is definitely worthy of being named a knight.”

”However maybe Scott could look locally for his next batch of knights and dames. Sir Eric Abetz or Dame Bronwyn Bishop for example, heck Sir Tony has a nice ring to it.”

”Now if you”ll excuse me I’m off to speak to the local girl guide troop about how they to can one day grow up and aspire to marry a knight.”

Mark Williamson

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Turnbull Does Not Mean Easy Ride for Social Sector

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 15/09/2015 - 9:42am in

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