Tony Abbott

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PM Who’s Wife Had To Remind Him He Had 2 Daughters In Order To Understand Empathy Guest Of Honour At International Women’s Day Event

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 25/02/2021 - 7:49am in

A week after telling the nation how his wife had to remind him that he had two daughters in order to empathise with a victim of sexual assault, Australian Prime Minister Scotty from marketing has been invited as a guest of honour to an International Women’s Day event.

”This is a great honour to be invited to this event and I can’t wait to get home and tell Jen and the girls all about it,” said Prime Minister Scotty from marketing. ”The organisers did ask me if I wanted to bring a plus one and I could not think of a more worthy guest than former Minister for Women, Tony Abbott.”

”Barnaby Joyce did try to worm his way in but I think we can all agree that we’ve probably had enough scandal for this week.”

When asked why he rather than one of his female counterparts was attending the event, the Prime Minister said: ”Well I was invited not them.”

”I mean if the organisers had have wanted Michaelia or Marise they would have invited them.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m meeting Tony Abbott at Engadine Maccas for a pre-event session, if you know what I mean.”

Mark Williamson


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ScoMo Tries To Address ‘Work Environment’ By Adding A Table Tennis Table To The Break Room

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 17/02/2021 - 7:00am in

Australian Prime Minister Scotty from Marketing has this week added a table tennis table to the Parliamentary break room in an effort to address the negative work environment that is emanating out of Parliament House.

”The events of this week will stay with me for a while,” said Prime Minister Scotty. ”As I was chatting to Jen last night, she made me realise that when the girls want to let of a bit of steam they play table tennis.”

”So, I thought, why not? And, wouldn’t you know it – my old mate George Christensen knew someone who was looking to offload a slightly used ping pong table.”

When asked what other changes the PM planned to make to Parliament house to make women feel safer, the PM said: ”I reject the premise of your question, sorry old habit!”

”Look, I will be taking as many steps as I possibly can to make men feel less tempted by the ladies of Parliament House.”

”I have assembled a crack team of Barnaby Joyce, Christian Porter, Alan Tudge and Tony Abbott who will get together and do what they can to make the ladies feel safer.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to Engadine Maccas, as Jen said that the girls love that place.”

Mark Williamson


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The Mad Monk Strikes: Tony Abbott, Taxi Rides and Coronavirus Despotism

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 28/01/2021 - 2:05pm in


Tony Abbott

This is a man who decries the use of experts. He prefers things rough, ready, pungent with vernacular promise and populist feeling. To be in the front seat of a taxi, no less, is considered a right. But former Australian prime minister Tony Abbott, made a trade envoy of Brexiting Britain to much consternation and…

The post The Mad Monk Strikes: Tony Abbott, Taxi Rides and Coronavirus Despotism appeared first on The AIM Network.

Abbott Plans To Lead The Anzac Day March After Fighting In The Culture Wars

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 27/01/2021 - 7:00am in

Former Australian Prime Minister and newly appointed IPA coffee boy Tony Abbott has told his friends and colleagues that he plans to lead this year’s Anzac Day March, in acknowledgement of his frequent participation in culture wars.

”I have always been at home in the trenches – be it fighting for my beliefs or against Malcolm,” said the former Member for Warringah. ”As a proud warrior, I feel that it is time to take to the streets and march on ANZAC day with my fellow heroes.”

”I will also be marching this year at the Mardi Gras parade – just in the opposite direction and driving a tank.”

When asked why he was so determined to cause division in the community, Mr Abbott said: ”You ask that like it’s a bad thing!”

”Look, if everyone was happy and wanted to live in harmony what sort a world would that be?!”

”Australia is a nation born out of hate and malice, United we stand, united we fall.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I saw a young child walking down the road with a balloon. I’m going to pop it, to teach the kid a lesson.”

Mark Williamson


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Bill Shorten Seen Shopping At Chadstone’s King Of Knives Store

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 25/01/2021 - 7:00am in

Former Labor Leader Bill Shorten has been spotted doing some shopping in Melbourne’s Chadstone Shopping Centre, with the Member for Maribyrnong seen walking out of the King of Knives store with armfuls of bags.

”You can never have too many knives,” said Mr Shorten. ”I mean, who knows when you will need a knife to cut a rope, or sink it in to the back of a colleague?”

”It’s always good to have one or two laying around the office.”

When asked whether current Labor leader Anthony Albanese has his full support, Mr Shorten looked up for the knife he was currently sharpening to say: ”Anthony can always rely on me to have his back.”

”I’m a very loyal colleague. I mean, I’ve only helped knife two Prime Ministers. I’ve yet to knife a sitting opposition leader!”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to catch up with Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott to get some tips on how to support my leader whilst staying in the limelight.”

Mark Williamson


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Exclusive Extract: George Pell’s Prison Journal

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 25/11/2020 - 7:00am in

Day 1: A dear friend had taken me aside during my trial and given me a piece of advice should I find myself in prison. They said in jail, early on you need to seek out the biggest person in the yard and take them down or become their, forgive me Father for my language, become their bitch.

Suffice to say, I’m a lover, not a fighter and my cell mate Bruce has the softest hands.

Day 2: Very excited today to be told that I have a Visitor. Sadly, it was only Tony Abbott. Silly sod I asked him to bring in some smokes so that I could start doing business. Instead he brought in a bloody bible and some onions. What on earth would I do with those?

You can’t make a shiv from an onion, Lord knows I have tried.

Day 3: Have been called upon to coach my cell block’s football team. What an honour, I look forward to mucking in with the lads.

Day 4: We may have lost that football match in the exercise yard by a mere point, but I assertively told my disgruntled young players that unlike them, I have the best barristers who can overturn this decision at my behest. Mark my words, the screw who umpired the match will be convicted of dereliction of duty and imprisoned with us by the end of the week.

Day 5: Abbott came back today, thankfully he smuggled in some smokes. Not quite enough to cover the cost of having Bruce ‘taken care of,’ but enough to make a down payment.

Day 6: Had an unfortunate incident in the shower today. Despite dropping my soap a number of times no one would bend down and pick it up. What a sad World we live in when no one would pick up an old man’s soap.

Day 7: Abbott’s back again today. No smokes but he did give me a new toothbrush which will make a lovely shiv. Let’s see who sleeps on top tonight, Bruce.

Day 8: Didn’t sharpen the shiv enough, Bruce thought I was trying to tickle him. Called Abbott to ask for more cigarettes.

Day 9: Abbott came today with nicotine patches. The guards had to drag me off of him.

Day 10: Received a bag full of letters today from my dear supporters. After sifting through all 99 letters I found that most of them were from Abbott and the rest were from Andrew Bolt.

Day 11: Abbott’s back today and he’s brought me a present. Pope on a rope. If those guards were a little slower I would’ve successfully garroted him with the bloody rope from the pope.

Day 12: Meeting with the Warden did not go well. My plan to move more troublesome inmates, like Bruce to other parishes……err Jails, was not well received. Back to the drawing board.

Day 13: Another day another Abbott visit. He brings me a copy of the Australian, handy as the 1 ply toilet paper they have in here is not that great.

George Pell’s prison journal will be available for sale at your local parish gift shop and all good book stores clearance bins in the coming weeks.

Christensen Tells Berejiklian To Join Him In Manilla For Some Ping Pong And Chill

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 15/10/2020 - 8:15am in

The Government’s Minister for Manilla George Christensen has reached out to NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian and invited her to join him for some much needed R&R in the Philippines with some ping pong and chill.

‘’I know what it’s like to be under the pump over your personal life,’’ said the Minister for Manila. ‘’So Gladys, pack the bags and join me in Manila.’’

“Nothing relaxes me more than watching my favourite ping pong team. Especially when there’s a happy ending.’’

When asked how he would be able to travel to the Philippines given the Government’s current travel ban, the Minister for Manila said: ‘’If Abbott can get to London and Pell to Rome, then surely old Georgey boy can head home to Manila.’’

”Besides, I’m pretty sure that ScoMo would rather have me in Manila than in Canberra on Facebook.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to Rebel sport and stock up on some ping pong balls.”

Mark Williamson


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Cardinal Pell Disappointed To Not Be Riding A Virgin Back To The Vatican

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 30/09/2020 - 7:00am in

Australian Cardinal George Pell has expressed disappointment to close colleagues that he will not flying a Virgin plane on his return trip to the Vatican.

”The Cardinal is a big fan of Virgin,” said a confidant of Cardinal Pell. ”He often said that you can’t beat the feeling of slipping in to a Virgin.”

”So, he was most disappointed to learn that Virgin airways were no longer flying.”

When asked why it was so important that the elderly Cardinal travel to Rome in the midst of a pandemic, his confidant said: ”The Cardinal has pressing duties at the Vatican, you know.”

”He has to ‘clean out’ his apartment, if you know what I mean. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go and find out where the best place in Rome is to hire a paper shredder.”

Mark Williamson


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Cardinal Pell Hopes To Touch Many More Lives On His Return To Rome

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 29/09/2020 - 8:05am in

Cardinal Pell has told friends that he hopes to touch many more lives when he arrives in Rome later this week. The Cardinal has been given an exemption by the Government to return to the Vatican to ‘clean out’ his flat.

”Cardinal Pell loves to meet new people and is always keen to press the flesh so to speak,” said a Spokesperson for the Cardinal. ”As well he does have to clean up his old flat, make a few things disappear if you know what I mean.”

”The Cardinal has also not ruled out doing a bit of sight seeing whilst in Rome, he does love the Colisseum. Reminds him of his recent battles with the law, what with Christians being thrown to the lions.”

When asked why the Cardinal was given an exemption to travel in the middle of a pandemic, the Spokesperson said: ”The Cardinal had some excellent references, a lot of former Prime Ministers were lining up to write one for him.”

”Besides where would you rather have the Cardinal, in the Vatican or in Australia. I think we’d prefer that he reached out and touched others whilst overseas.”

”Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pop out and buy the Cardinal a book to read on the plane, he loves young adults you know…..the genre of fiction that is.”

Mark Williamson


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Private Eye: Tony Abbott Part of Free Trade Group Wanting to Sell NHS to Americans

This fortnight’s Private Eye for 11th -24th September has a very ominous story about new Brexit adviser’s Tony Abbott’s attitude to this country’s single greatest institution, the NHS. He’s part of a free trade group run by the extreme right-wing Tory MP, Daniel ‘Lyin’ King’ Hannan, which wants to privatise the NHS. The article ‘Rough Traders’ runs

Britain’s controversial new trade adviser Tony Abbott, ex-Australian PM, is also on the advisory board of a right-wing British “free trade” group that wants to open the NHS to US competition in a future trade deal.

Abbott, appointed to the government’s new Board of Trade last week, joined the Initiative for Free Trade, a think tank set up by keen Brexiteer and former Tory MEP Daniel Hannan, in 2017. International trade scretary Liz Truss has co-opted Hannan on to her new Board of Trade alongside Abbott, making clear the official sympathy for Hannan’s think tank (whose launch in 2017 was graced by a certain Boris Johnson, then foreign secretary).

So what kind of Brexit does these two gung-ho free marketeers now advising the government actually want? In September 2018, their Initiative for Free Trade jointly published an “Ideal US-Uk Free Trade Agreement” with the Cato Institute, a right-wing US think tank. Its proposed deal “should open all government procurement markets to goods and services providers” from either country; and it said explicitly: “Health services are an area where both sides would benefit from openness to foreign competition” – meaning the NHS, its hospitals and drug purchasing should be fully open to US firms. It accepted the NHS was a political hot potato – “We recognise any changes to existing regulations will be extremely controversial” – and so suggested a stealthy approach whereby “the initial focus should be on other fields such as education or legal services” before health, so “negotiators can test the waters and see what is possible”.

The paper from Abbott and Hannan’s think tank also said the UK should get ready to eat US chlorinated chicken and hormone enhanced beef; and any deal should avoid “restrictions based on scientifically unsubstantiated public health and safety concerns”. And provisions on workers’ rights and environmental protections? Yes: any deal should avoid these too.

Much of the objections to Abbott’s appointment have concentrated on his own personal failings – his racism, sexism and homophobia. He comes across as personally obnoxious, the living embodiment of Barry Humphries’ character, Sir Les Patterson, the Australian cultural attache. More serious is his sheer incompetence. He was in office for two years before his own party gave him the heave-ho, and then lost his safe seat to an independent.

But this is what really scares me. He and his buddy Hannan really do want to sell off the NHS. Hannan’s been promoting this for a very long time, so it’s no surprise from this direction. They’re going to do it by stealth, which also comes as no surprise, as that’s what they’ve been doing for the past forty years or so. And the Americans have been very heavily involved in all this. Johnson and the Tories have already included the NHS in their talks with the Americans, and one their best to kept it secret. They’re trying to pass further legislation to keep the negotiations as a whole under wraps, so we can’t see that this is what they’re doing.

And to cap it all, they’re determined to feed us chlorinated chicken, hormone injected beef, and wreck the environment and further degrade workers’ rights. Because this is what free trade American capitalism is all about – feeding people dodgy food, wrecking the planet and making sure there are no penalties for workers’ sick or injured at work.

Get Abbott out of the Brexit negotiations. Get private industry out of my NHS. And get the Tories out of office!