Tony Abbott

Awkward Moment As Former PM Tony Abbott Turns Up To ScoMo’s End Of Year Drinks Uninvited

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 06/12/2019 - 8:15am in


The gossip around Canberra this morning is how former Prime Minister Tony Abbott made an uninvited appearance at current Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s end of year drinks celebration for members of the current Government.

“It was very awkward having Tony there, sure a couple of his old mates made him feel welcome but it just wasn’t right having him around,” said a Government Insider. “I mean he just doesn’t take a hint, we voted him out as leader his time has been and gone.”

“This is happening all too frequently with Tony, he’ll pop up here say something there visit a convicted pedophile every now and then, can’t he just take up golf or something?”

When reached for comment on his appearance at ScoMo’s end of year drinks Mr Abbott said: “It was a lovely evening I just happened to be down in Canberra and my good mate Eric Abetz left the back door to Scotty’s office open for me to slide in, was just like old times.”

“Though Eric did get a little bit upset about me talking about sliding in the back door, he’s a funny one.

“Sigh, If only Cardinal Pell could’ve been there to join us.”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on

Abbott Hopes That George Pell Will One Day Be Free To Touch Others

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 03/12/2019 - 8:18am in

Abbott Poster

Former Minister for Women Tony Abbott has spoken of his wish that incarcerated Cardinal George Pell will soon be free to enter the world and touch others as he has done so in the past.

“I don’t wish to say too much as the Cardinal is still before the courts however I do hope that he is soon out wandering the streets,” said Mr Abbott. “I’ve said in the past that if you spent more time with Cardinal Pell, your life would be more interesting and I stand by it.”

“The Cardinal has touched a lot of people in his time and I’m sure should he be free he will go on to touch many more.”

When asked whether it is appropriate for a former Prime Minister to visit a convicted pedophile Mr Abbott said: “I’ll leave it for the courts to decide Cardinal Pell’s guilt. I am simply visiting a mate to deliver some smokes”

“I will admit I did find it funny that the Cardinal asked me to deliver him a couple of cartons of smokes, I joked are you trying to elect a new pope. He didn’t laugh so much as threaten me with a shiv.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to have lunch with my dear friend George Christensen.”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on

Abbott Asks Wife To Bake Him A Cake Big Enough To Hide A Hacksaw

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 02/12/2019 - 4:41pm in


Former Minister for Women Tony Abbott has told friends of how he asked his wife Margie to bake him a cake big enough to conceal a hacksaw so that he could surprise his dear friend and confidant George Pell with it.

“Tony is very concerned for the welfare of his friend convicted pedophile George Pell in prison and felt that a cake would help to lift his spirits and a hacksaw inside would help him to adjust to his new surroundings,” said a friend of Mr Abbott. “Tony would’ve baked the cake himself however he feels baking is something best left to the women folk.”

When reached for comment on why he would be trying to send a jailed convicted pedophile a cake with a hacksaw in it Mr Abbott replied: “It is always tough when you move to a new location. I know, as I suffered deeply when I had to move out of parliament.”

“So I thought a nice cake would cheer Cardinal Pell up and the hacksaw inside would help him to renovate and spruce up his new home.”

Mr Abbott was not the only one worried about convicted pedophile George Pell. Sky News’ Andrew Bolt has called for Pell to be medically evacuated to Christmas Island whilst his colleague Miranda Devine is in the process of organising a candlelight vigil for the convicted pedophile.

Mark Williamson

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Tony Abbott’s government was “remarkably underappreciated”, says Tony Abbott

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 20/11/2019 - 6:00am in


Tony Abbott

That 1000 people would pay $130 each to attend a function to celebrate former Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s 25 years in Australian politics astonished me. To find out that they had to turn many others away amazed me even more. Then to find out that most of the speakers reckoned he was underappreciated left me…

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Abbott Tells ScoMo To Not Rule Out Knighting Prince Andrew

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 19/11/2019 - 8:24am in


In a week where former Prime Minister Paul Keating came out to talk about China another former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has also been doing the rounds advising the Government to not rule out knighting the disgraced Prince Andrew.

“In uncertain times it is always best to stick by a trusted ally,” said Mr Abbott. “I empathise with the predicament Prince Andrew is in, as I too have friends who have found themselves on the wrong side of the law.”

“Hopefully though the high court will listen to detective Andrew Bolt and free Cardinal Pell so he to can be demoted to a knight.”

When asked why he was so persistent with knights and dames given the underwhelming public response to them Mr Abbott said: “I think you need to get out of your inner city bubble and talk to real Australians, like Alan Jones, John Laws and Ray Hadley and see what they think about being named knights.”

“Hopefully Prime Minister Morrison, he used to be my immigration Minister you know will see sense and bring back knights and dames and buy me a round table.”

“Then I’ll be able to plan my triumphant return to Warringah with my white knights of the round table.”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on

Now is the time, Mr Morrison.

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 18/11/2019 - 1:04pm in

“In this bucket is my house”, Aaron Crowe tells other unquiet Australians rallying in Macquarie St, Sydney, Tuesday. He lifts an organic compost bin, a repurposed twenty-gallon steel red drum with hand-made wooden lid, a homely relic of former peaceful, rural domesticity, now, destroyed forever, aloft. The 38 year-old-father tips a few charred, remnants of…

The post Now is the time, Mr Morrison. appeared first on The AIM Network.

Labor’s “brave” review fails to upstage Morrison’s incompetence.

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 10/11/2019 - 11:16pm in

Were politics reset in keeping with the times, the parties would concede that it is not a contest between social democracy and a capitalist free-for-all, or “the light on the hill” and “the forgotten people”, or even conservatives and progressives, but one in which the ghosts of organisations that once had some claim to represent…

The post Labor’s “brave” review fails to upstage Morrison’s incompetence. appeared first on The AIM Network.

ScoMo Appoints Craig Kelly As Minister In Charge Of Guarding The Bee

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 28/10/2019 - 8:32am in

Craigg Kelly

Following news over the weekend that Prime Minister ScoMo had banned a member of his Government Craig Kelly from appearing on the ABC’s Q&A program comes news that the reason for the banning was that Mr Kelly has been promoted to Cabinet as Minister in charge of guarding the Bee.

“In my Government if you have a go you get a go,” said the Prime Minister. “Craig has definitely had a go…at a lot of people and for this reason I see him as being a valuable asset to my Government as guardian of the bee.”

“Craig will work day and night in the bowels of parliament house having no contact what so ever with friends, family, lobbyists or the media in order to keep that bee and my government safe.”

When asked why the Prime Minister was so keen to ‘silence’ Mr Kelly the Prime Minister replied: “No one is silencing Craig Kelly. We’re just making it a little bit harder fro him to talk to anyone. Besides guarding the bee is an important job.”

“I had penciled in the former member for Warringah Tony Abbott for the role should he have won his seat at the last election.”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on

In Sydney then come and see out live show November 8th.

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Shorten Concedes Being King Of Knives Poster Boy Not Best Look For Aspiring PM

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 21/10/2019 - 8:25am in


Former Labor leader Bill Shorten has conceded to colleagues that taking on the role as poster boy for retailing giant the King Of Knives during his time as leader did not help his cause at the ballot box.

Mr Shorten’s revelation comes ahead of the party releasing it’s long awaited review into this year’s election loss.

“Bill realises now that being not only behind a couple of leadership knifings but also bragging about it wasn’t the best way to win an election,” said a Party Insider. “He should have borrowed a page from Tony Abbott’s playbook and simply opposed everything and only speak in 3 word slogans.”

When asked whether Mr Shorten had discontinued his association with the King of Knives brand the party insider said: “Bill won’t be making any more public appearances with knives but those in and around cabinet know that he is always ready to pop up and talk about how to effectively knife someone if needed.”

“In fact I heard him the other day chatting to a couple of people in shadow cabinet about organising an early Christmas present for Albo, he said he had a really sharp blade lined up for him.”

Mark Williamson

You can follow The (un)Australian on twitter @TheUnOz or like us on

Dutton Confident He Has The Numbers

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 09/10/2019 - 8:09am in


Minister for the Dark Arts Peter Dutton has been asked to leave his local club after a dispute over a game of Keno, with the Minister claiming he had the winning numbers despite his form saying otherwise.

“It was a really awkward situation the game hadn’t even started before Peter was running around saying I’ve won, I’ve won, I have the numbers,” said a Patron at the club. “He kept it up as all the numbers were drawn and every time they told him to sit down he insisted they talk to his friend Matthias who could back him up.”

“After about 3 games of this security finally marched him and his mate out of the building.”

When reached for comment Minister Dutton said of the Keno altercation: “Ah look, I maintain that I did have the numbers and though I did not win the prize I think Australia is better off for my actions.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and arrange for Border Force to pay that club’s security staff a visit.”

Mark Williamson

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