Tony Abbott

Dutton Confident He Has The Numbers

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 09/10/2019 - 8:09am in

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Minister for the Dark Arts Peter Dutton has been asked to leave his local club after a dispute over a game of Keno, with the Minister claiming he had the winning numbers despite his form saying otherwise.

“It was a really awkward situation the game hadn’t even started before Peter was running around saying I’ve won, I’ve won, I have the numbers,” said a Patron at the club. “He kept it up as all the numbers were drawn and every time they told him to sit down he insisted they talk to his friend Matthias who could back him up.”

“After about 3 games of this security finally marched him and his mate out of the building.”

When reached for comment Minister Dutton said of the Keno altercation: “Ah look, I maintain that I did have the numbers and though I did not win the prize I think Australia is better off for my actions.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and arrange for Border Force to pay that club’s security staff a visit.”

Mark Williamson
www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

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Abbott Regrets Not Doing More As PM To Rid Australia Of The Metric System

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 08/10/2019 - 8:24am in

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In a wide ranging interview former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has spoken of his regret that he did not do more when he was PM to rid Australia of the metric system.

“I achieved a lot in my all too brief time as Prime Minister,” said Mr Abbott. “I knighted a Prince, I cut funding to the ABC and I even appointed a Dame.”

“But for every tax you axe and boat you stop there is always something you regret and for me it was not doing enough to rid this country of the metric system.”

When asked why he felt so strongly now, years later, about the metric system Mr Abbott said: “Well it’s just confusing isn’t it?”

“For instance I was thinking the other day about Malcolm Turnbull and I thought of the phrase a pound of flesh. But in Australia we don’t have pounds we have kilograms and whilst two point whatever kilograms of flesh sounds like more than a pound it doesn’t quite roll of the tongue now does it.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to Engadine Maccas to see ScoMo about a potential Senate vacancy.”

Mark Williamson
www.twitter.com/MWChatShow

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Abbott Appointed To The Board Of The Culture War Memorial

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 02/10/2019 - 8:45am in

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Former Minister for Women Tony Abbott has been appointed by the Morrison Government to the board of the Culture War Memorial.

“No one has done more in the last twenty or so years to lead the charge in the culture wars,” said a Government Spokesperson. “Whether it be rallying against marriage equality, the ABC or even charging at windmills.”

“Tony has always been there armed with an opinion.”

When reached for comment on his appointment a proud Mr Abbott spoke with vigor of his plans for the memorial, saying: “This is a great honor for Myself and will definitely keep me busy until the next battle for Warringah.”

“I have big plans for the memorial, I plan to eradicate the entire left side of the building so that all visitors will only be able to turn to the right. I will also be commissioning a giant bronze statue of the famous Australian martyr George Pell.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to make sure that the gift shop is not selling rainbow flavoured paddle pops.”

Mark Williamson
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Joyce Refuses To Pull Out…………….Again

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 16/09/2019 - 8:28am in

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Former deputy Prime Minister and self confessed ‘families man’ Barnaby Joyce has once again refused to pull out. Of speaking at an anti-abortion rally in Sydney over the weekend.

“People want, no they need to hear my opinion on abortion,” said former Minister Joyce. “I mean who do you expect to speak at these rallies, women?”

“Hearing people like me and former Minister for Women Tony Abbott is just what these sort of rallies need. That and they are a great place to meet some good sorts.”

When asked why a lowly Parliamentary backbencher like himself was entering into a debate in what is effectively a State matter Mr Joyce replied: “Just keeping my options open, I mean Premier Barnaby does have a nice ring to it.”

“As well as I said earlier you can meet some wonderful sheilas at these type of events. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to pull a root.”

Mr Joyce’s office later called to clarify that by pull a root he was talking about some work he was doing at his farm in clearing tree roots from paddocks.

Mark Williamson
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ScoMo no leader at all.

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 08/09/2019 - 8:39pm in

Capping a week of wacky stunts is Drug-test dole Bludgers a first episode in The Return of the Undead, a schlock-horror series in which the commonwealth is attacked by zombies; bad policy ideas the Coalition has already killed off. Twice. Or so we thought. Totally lacking policy or even vaguely useful ideas, the Morrison government…

The post ScoMo no leader at all. appeared first on The AIM Network.

Abbott Asks Wife To Bake Him A Cake Big Enough To Hide A Hacksaw

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 21/08/2019 - 9:40am in

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Former Minister for Women Tony Abbott has told friends of how he asked his wife Margie to bake him a cake big enough to conceal a hacksaw so that he could surprise his dear friend and confidant George Pell with it.

“Tony is very concerned for the welfare of his friend convicted pedophile George Pell in prison and felt that a cake would help to lift his spirits and a hacksaw inside would help him to adjust to his new surroundings,” said a friend of Mr Abbott. “Tony would’ve baked the cake himself however he feels baking is something best left to the women folk.”

When reached for comment on why he would be trying to send a jailed convicted pedophile a cake with a hacksaw in it Mr Abbott replied: “It is always tough when you move to a new location. I know, as I suffered deeply when I had to move to the backbench.”

“So I thought a nice cake would cheer Cardinal Pell up and the hacksaw inside would help him to renovate and spruce up his new home.”

Mr Abbott was not the only one worried about convicted pedophile George Pell. Sky News’ Andrew Bolt has called for Pell to be medically evacuated to Christmas Island whilst his colleague Miranda Devine is in the process of organising a candlelight vigil for the convicted pedophile.

Mark Williamson 

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Morrison’s monumental dysfunctional Pacific “family” failure

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 18/08/2019 - 3:58pm in

No matter how much money you put on the table it doesn’t give you the excuse not to do the right thing, which is cutting down your emissions, including not opening your coalmines.”  (Enele Sopoaga, Prime Minister of Tuvalu, 14 August 2019). “Shove a sock down the throat of Jacinda Ardern” – urges Alan Bedford…

The post Morrison’s monumental dysfunctional Pacific “family” failure appeared first on The AIM Network.

ScoMo Says That With Abbott Gone No One In His Party Will Go Nuclear

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 24/07/2019 - 8:10am in

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Prime Minister ScoMo has assured the public that with Tony Abbott now out of parliament no one in his party has any plans to go nuclear.

“Look I know there’s been a bit of talk about going nuclear but I can assure you with Tony out, we’re all good, everyone’s calm and relaxed,” said the Prime Minister. “Well you know except for Barnaby but well he goes on and on about nuclear but the truth is he probably can’t even spell it.”

“Also he’s technically not in my party he’s a National, not a Liberal.”

When asked whether he would comprehensively rule out his Government introducing nuclear power the Prime Minister said: “I told you Tony Abbott is no more, sure he keeps bugging me to bring him back into the Senate but there’s about as much chance of that happening as there is of me taking away Hillsong’s tax free status.”

“So we clear, if you want a go you need to have a go, you know.”

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott could not be reached for comment as he was out of mobile phone range. He was apparently out prospecting for uranium.

Mark Williamson

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Slow News Week Leads News Corp To Prod Dutton To Challenge ScoMo For The Leadership

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 18/07/2019 - 8:25am in

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A slow news week has lead to the team behind Australia’s largest satirical news network News Corp to prod the Minister for the Dark Arts Peter Dutton to consider challenging his colleague Scott ‘ScoMo’ Morrison for the leadership.

“Sometimes when there’s not much happening you’ve gotta try and make things happen,” said a News Corp Insider. “I mean last year we tried stirring things up with a Barnaby Joyce leadership challenge.”

“But that didn’t sell as many stories as the Barnaby Joyce bonking scandal.”

When asked why they felt Peter Dutton could be persuaded to mount a challenge for the leadership the Spokesperson replied: “Haven’t you ever seen Harry Potter, Voldemort never gives up.”

“Also Peter has surrounded himself with the world’s worst numbers man so no doubt Matthias will help our cause greatly.”

The Minister for the Dark Arts could not be reached for comment as he was busily sacrificing baby animals to the God of leadership spills.

Mark Williamson

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Pollie Pedal Riders Unable To Shake Off Pursuing Abbott

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 17/07/2019 - 8:11am in

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Riders in this year’s Pollie Pedal ride fundraiser have set a cracking pace as they rode to shake off a pursuant Tony Abbott. Who is trying to join the ride despite no longer being a pollie.

“It’s really awkward Tony just doesn’t give up,” said a Pollie Pedal participant. “And he was the one who set the thing up and put in the condition that you had to be a pollie to join the ride.”

“The guy just doesn’t get it, his time has been and gone, can’t he just go off and join a board or something.”

When reached for comment on the ride the former member for Warringah, Mr Abbott said: “It’s good to be back in the saddle. After a few weeks at home, Margie and the girls told me to get on my bike.”

“In fact, a lot of people told me to get on my bike, it’s good to see I have left a legacy.”

Pressed on what he will do once the ride is over the former member for Warringah said: “Well there is a vacancy in the Senate and I know my dear friend Jim Molan has his eys on it. But I think for this countries sake an Abbott in the Senate is just what the Doctor ordered.”

“Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to do some research on whether a spill can be called from the Upper House.”

Mark Williamson

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