virus

Dominic Cummings: The Lockdown Tour

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 25/05/2020 - 6:57am in

He’s been locking down in London,
And a bit in Durham, too.
Not to mention Barnard Castle,
Legoland and Bristol Zoo.

He’s been locking down in Stoke-on-Trent
And Weston-super-Mare.
He’s spread himself quite thin of late.
He’s been spreading everywhere.

He’s been locking down in Basildon,
In Derby, Penge and Rome.
Wherever he lays his beanie hat,
That’s his lockdown home.

He’s more spreadable than margarine.
He’s been spreading far and wide.
He’ll be locking down in your town soon:
Spread the word and stay inside.

“Anti-Dickhead Vaccine Still At Least 12 Months Away” Say Desperate NRL Scientists

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 20/05/2020 - 6:20am in

Tags 

Sport, Australia, virus

nrl

Development of a vaccine to stop rugby league players acting like dickheads off the field is still more than twelve months away and may never be discovered, despondent NRL scientists reported yesterday.

“We’re afraid that NRL players may have to be permanently isolated from the rest of society,” said leading rugby league biologist Dr Rex Biffo. “Testing the vaccine will not be easy as it will involve injecting a sample group of players and then leaving them alone in a pub in Bali until a fight breaks out.”

People at high risk of contracting a dickhead virus related injury have been asked to self isolate themselves from rugby league players.

“There are two types of blokes who get in a fight with rugby league players,” said researcher Professor Gloria Squirrel-Grippe. “Blokes Who Can’t Take A Joke; and Blokes Who Give Them A Bit Of Lip. If you fit into either of these high risk categories I’d suggest not visiting Las Vegas in the weeks following Mad Monday.”

When asking rugby league players to modify their dickheadish behaviour in order to flatten the curve, the head NRL scientist was told by the players to get lost or they would flatten him.

Peter Green
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Notes and Clarifications

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 13/05/2020 - 12:03am in

Let’s be very clear about this,
you should stay inside,
except for those occasions
when you go outside.

You should work from home
unless, that is, you cannot;
in which case you should work
in other places,

avoiding all public transport
(unless you have to use it)
and the shared, confined spaces
in which you work.

A socially distanced meeting
is permissible with ONE person
(possibly more, maybe fewer)
from another household,

but this must only take place
either in a park, on desolate wasteland,
or in the BBQs and Grills section
of a local garden centre.

Clarity and precision are vital
at this time. Please see
the accompanying 50-page booklet
for further details.

Kindness

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 09/05/2020 - 8:20pm in

To recap what we now know: it did not begin
in a laboratory in Wuhan, nor with a pangolin or bat,
but it already lay dormant within us, like a seed
in need of certain conditions to grow;

its symptoms are many and various,
and may include some, or all, of the following:
tear drops, sudden laughter, a feeling of warmth,
and a peculiar uplifting of the heart;

it leaves its traces everywhere: from boxes
left on doorsteps to conversations over fences;
it can be transmitted over vast distances,
through a phone call, or from a smile across a street,

or a certain softness of tone spoken beside
a hospital bed; it affects young and old equally;
there is no race or gender immune from it;
it has the power to topple bad governments;

if one person were to pass it on to just three others
and they, in turn, were to pass it on to three more,
in no time at all, the world would be full of it,
and where, might we ask ourselves, would we be then.

Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 09/05/2020 - 8:16pm in

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A stubborn fever you can’t shake off?
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(not to mention several large daiquiris),
and FORMULATED by bogus MEDICS,
it will give you INSTANT relief
from the MOST DEADLY pandemics.

Is your throat as sore as hell?
Lost your sense of taste or smell?
Feel a pressure on your lungs?
From the makers of Dr Trump’s Magic Sponge™

Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™
UTILIZES the latest in CURE TECHNOLOGY,
its SECRET FORMULA perfected through centuries
by APPALACHIAN monks,
schooled in the MYSTERIES of HEAT and LIGHT
and the RESTORATIVE POWERS of bleach.

Are you worried that it’s the end?
Can’t see that you’ll ever mend?
Think you’re going to die for sure?
Dr Trump’s All-Purpose Miracle Cure™

is CLINICALLY PROVEN
to improve recovery times from death,
and is almost a cleaning,
working up to FIFTEEN SECONDS FASTER
than other less miraculous cures.
It can be YOURS for as little as $174.95.

FREE Dr Trump BASEBALL CAP with every purchase.

Press Griefing

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 14/04/2020 - 2:44pm in

Hey everyone! We’re all going to die.

See you next time, when we are dead

On Leaving the House and Encountering Another Human Being

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 12/04/2020 - 8:17pm in

Tags 

poem, poetry, virus, writing

I’m sorry I dived into the bushes.
It’s not personal, you understand.
You happened to walk in my direction
and my nerves got the upper hand.

I’m sorry I screamed when you came near me.
Don’t take my angry shrieks to heart.
Idiomatically, let’s stay in touch –
and physically, six feet apart.

Apologies if it seems like you repulse me,
that I recoil when you come near.
In other times, we might have spoken,
shared a joke or had a beer,

or waltzed together down the footpath,
perhaps we may yet still one day.
But just for now, embrace the margins
and wave to me from far away.

Comparative Guidance for Social Distancing

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 12/04/2020 - 8:13pm in

Tags 

poem, poetry, virus, writing

Just remember it’s:
The length of a musk ox or fully-grown llama
Three Rubik’s Cubes plus one Keir Starmer
Eleven seven-inch singles by Bananarama
That’s what two metres is.

Alternatively, it’s:
1/ 192,199,930th of a single moon beam
2.2 times greater than Munch’s The Scream
About 10½ packets of custard creams
That’ll be two metres.

If easier, think:
Thirty-three pairs of dragonfly wings
The length of a yoga mat belonging to Sting
Two one-metre long pieces of string
That comes to two metres.

Or failing that, imagine:
0.00000091 of the coast of mainland Wales
18.2648402 cricket bails
One and a quarter Prunella Scales
That’s two metres.

Cat under Lockdown

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 12/04/2020 - 8:10pm in

My cat has been adapting to the lockdown
rather well, it must be said.

She leaves the sofa for very limited purposes,
exercising once a day in the flowerbeds,

never failing to wash her paws
for at least two hours upon her return.

She no longer meets friends or relatives
who do not live in her home,

but contents herself in catching up with them
on Skype or Zoom. Should other cats

intrude on her territory, she’s always careful
to maintain her social hiss stance,

and she deplores the action of her neighbour
who has been stockpiling mice for weeks.

She bears it all with great fortitude
although she knows everything is changed,

and, when the ambulances go by,
they will wake her and she will look at me

as if to say, don’t worry, I’m here,
I have no plans to go anywhere.

Queen Pissed After MI5 Infect The Wrong Son With Covid-19

Published by Anonymous (not verified) on Thu, 26/03/2020 - 8:23am in

queen-elizabeth-II_2796645b

Palace sources have indicated that Queen Elizabeth is apparently ropeable that the Nation’s security service MI5 have infected Prince Charles instead of Prince Andrew with the Covid-19 virus.

“The Queen was furious when she learned that her heir Charles was infected with Covid-19, instead of Andrew,” said a Palace Insider. “She was heard to mutter, the one time that Andrew manages to avoid picking up something that was 19.”

“Prince Philip has not yet been told of the stuff up as they are worried he will try and take Andrew out himself.”

When asked why MI5 was instructed to infect anyone with the virus let alone a Royal, the Palace Insider said: “When one’s horse is lame and of no use you don’t keep feeding it, you put a bullet in it”

“We can’t do that with Prince Andrew, believe us we’ve asked.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go and find out when France will be opening up it’s borders again.”

Mark Williamson

@MWChatShow

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