Congratulations, you have officially leveled up to menopause. You might be feeling anxious about the many ways that your body is changing, especially your vagina. But rest assured that even though the bloom may be off the rose, your flower is not yet withered.
Lean down and take an open and honest look at your maturing vagina. What do you see? Have you gained a few extra pounds of labia? Is your clit wearing a bifocal monocle? Is your pubic hair styled in a neat and sensible bob cut?
Don’t be alarmed. Your vagina may not be stylish, but this new look is proof that your vagina is confident, comfortable, and secure in the knowledge that it will no longer bleed on your sheets, get poked by a sideways tampon, or be considered a suitable exit route for a FULLY FORMED HUMAN BEING WITH A HEAD THE SIZE OF A SMALL CANTALOUPE.
This is a time of vaginal maturity. You have probably noticed a certain dryness. Gone are the days of producing as much slime as the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Your maturing vagina prefers wearing a deadpan expression, delivering cynical but hilarious bon mots at dinner parties, and whatever brand of cigarettes Fran Lebowitz smokes.
In a few years, your mature vagina’s humor may become so dry that it ceases to speak at all. At this stage, your labia may elongate until it takes on a shape resembling the face of Buster Keaton. Should this happen, a small pork pie hat clipped to your pubes makes a flattering accessory.
Your vagina may also become so physically dry that merely walking briskly will cause your crotch to spontaneously combust. If you go hiking, spread your legs well apart, keep to a moderate pace, and whatever you do, do not wear corduroy pants.
Grab a mirror and a speculum if you have one lying around. Do you notice the thinning of the vaginal skin, the loss of muscle tone, the sound like the wind blowing through the trees in a graveyard on Halloween night? Don’t worry, your tight tunnel of love hasn’t completely morphed into a sagging tube of terror just yet. Your ride may not be as smooth as it used to be, but trust me, if you are granting admission, plenty of people will be lining up to get a ticket.
Nevertheless, you may have noticed that your vagina is less interested in having guests, and that’s okay. If a mature vagina doesn’t want to give a fuck, it doesn’t give a fuck, and not giving a fuck is incredible. That’s just one of the benefits that will kick in should your vagina choose to go into semi or full retirement. Another one is that you will automatically start using the fabled 90 percent of your brain we’ve all heard so much about.
So, to everyone else, if you meet a woman with a retired vagina, remember: This isn’t a woman who is wasting time worrying about birth control or getting stains out of her sheets or creating a PowerPoint presentation that explains the location of the clitoris. This is a woman who is living her best life in ways you can’t even imagine. And if you are ever privileged enough to encounter such a being, you should sit down, stay quiet, and listen very carefully in case she casually discovers the cure for cancer, posits a plausible unified field theory, or reveals how she single–handedly organizes the entire family reunion every year.
Then go buy her vagina a pack of cigarettes.