Dear Faculty:
Due to concerns expressed by the students, parents, and staff, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in the amphitheater on Friday at 4:15 p.m.
Faculty will enjoy complimentary cotton candy, popcorn, and balloons while roving jugglers and mariachis provide entertainment. Renowned motivational speaker Chip Sunshine will guide faculty through a ninety-minute journey of self-discovery titled “Keeping It Together: Reaffirming Your Love for Teaching,” which will remind faculty that students are the lifeblood of this school, and no sacrifice is too great if just one student can find value in their college experience.
Dear Faculty:
Due to budgetary constraints, we have had to scale back the upcoming faculty mental health fair.
“Keeping It Together for Three More Weeks: How to Think of Your Suffering as Penance for All the Awful Things You’ve Probably Done” will now take place a week from Wednesday in the basement of the main gymnasium next to the room with the broken pool pump. Please note the change of title and location.
This session, now presented by Cherry O’Cherry, the town’s multilevel marketing maven, will help you realize that you aren’t going to die if you just suck it up and finish out the semester.
Dear Faculty:
For no particular reason and definitely not because of any scandal that has us scrambling to cover our asses, the date for the faculty mental health intervention has been moved to early January.
“Keeping It Together: How Not to Get So Burned Out That You Walk Out in the Middle of Class” will now be a slideshow presented in the haunted auditorium by Jim “Flip” Philips, head coach of the varsity TP team.
Even though we can’t admit how indispensable you are for legal reasons, we want you to know how important it is for us to appear to value you.
Dear Faculty:
Happy New Year. Today’s mental health slideshow has to be postponed.
The TP team got wiped out by West Mountain Culinary Academy, and Coach Philips is providing round-the-clock support to them and their families during this difficult time. Sorry for the late notice.
The presentation has a new title: “Please Stop Burning Out Before the School Year Ends: No Teachers Means No Students Means School Closes.” We were told sarcastically that the last title was insufficiently hostile, which we took as a challenge.
It will take place, rain or shine, on April 1 at 7:45 a.m. in the condemned dorm on Squatters Lane. Tea and nuts will be available for purchase. Those with mold sensitivities or a strong survival instinct may request to attend virtually.
The new presentation will make you see that enrollment is more important than your actual life.
Dear Faculty:
Today’s mandatory faculty mental health slideshow, “Going Through the Motions: How to Function Despite the Fact Your Supervisors Hate You and Your Job Is Destroying You Spiritually,” has been postponed again.
An important donor is distraught over the TP team’s recent loss, so the president sent Coach Philips to his palatial estate just outside of town to beg him for forgiveness.
It will now be presented by the guy who lives under the bridge on May 13 in the old abandoned darkroom in the attic of the arts building at 5:51 a.m. sharp. The waste storage “facility” in the chemistry building was already reserved by Delta Kappa Iota for one of their weird sunrise candle rituals.
Dear Faculty:
Today’s slideshow in a hazardous location about our indifference to your deteriorating self-worth has been indefinitely postponed. Have a good summer.