Look, this place needs to be administrated, and I’m the guy to do it. I know you’ve been doing your best, but you’ve been held back. You haven’t been given what you need to be successful. And I’m not talking about money. I’m not talking about resources and opportunities for growth. You’ve had plenty of that. Your problem is that no one gave you the administration you need to be successful. And that’s why I’m gonna administrate the absolute shit out of this place.
This place is primed to make boatloads of money—and I mean boatloads. Are we gonna help some students along the way? Yeah… probably. But you don’t need to worry about that. All you need to worry about is helping me get butts in seats so we can bring home that sweet, sweet bank.
I’m not just all about the money. I’ve got other priorities—strategic ones, if you know what I mean. And I won’t rest until you are literally dreaming about those strategic priorities. Do I care if those dreams are nightmares? Nope. All I care about is your being fully committed to aligning our existing resources with key growth areas in a way that ensures sustainable development and long-term impact.
And if that last sentence didn’t get you hard, I don’t want you working here.
I’m all about the data too. In fact, you better hope there’s an airbag behind those assessment dashboards, because this administrator doesn’t have brakes. I’ll give you so much data-driven decision making you’ll think you work for fucking NASA. But instead of finding black holes and putting motherfuckers on Mars, we’re going to make sure every kid in town, whether they can read and write or not, gets a diploma. I don’t care what they do with it. If they have access to the FAFSA, they have access to us.
We’re gonna realign our mission so well you’ll think I’m your chiropractor. And like your chiropractor, I’m gonna unlock your full potential by putting you into positions that make you uncomfortable. Will I be gentle? Nope. Will there be side effects? Yup. They include serving diverse communities, some bullshit about sustainability or lifelong learning, and my favorite: increased efficiency. You just lay back and take a deep breath. This will only hurt for a moment.
Do I care about the community? You bet your sweet ass I do. The needs of this community are gonna get met. I will foster so many meaningful partnerships, you’ll think I’m Tinder. And my targeted outreach is gonna look like tactical drone strikes. I’ll be blowing up emerging challenges like they’re goddamn terrorists.
I’ll have you eating student credit hours for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You’re gonna be shitting new revenue streams by morning. I’m gonna leverage cross-college collaborations like an absolute boss. I’m gonna drive so much innovation you’ll think it’s Miss Daisy. I’m gonna position us so well in this evolving educational landscape, you’re gonna think I’m Charles Darwin. Survival of the fittest? More like “arrival of the fittest,” and you don’t need to worry, because with me, the fittest has arrived.
Look, I know what you’re thinking. A high-quality university administrator with this much energy can’t possibly plan to stay long at a place like this. And you’re right. I’ll have this place fully administrated in two years tops, and I’ll be ready to move on to the next place I’m gonna save.
Until then, enjoy the ride, fuckers!