“Republicans advance bill with steep cuts to Medicaid as part of Trump agenda.” —The Hill
Quit complaining about Republicans’ proposed cuts to Medicaid. If you all stopped whining that low- and middle-income people deserve quality health care, you’d notice there are plenty of ways to accumulate enough money to afford health insurance yourself. Have you welfare queens even considered becoming actual queens? Once you’re in charge, you can leverage your position to make loads of money. Just pull yourself up by the bootstraps you acquired by abusing your power.
People these days don’t have enough get-up-and-go. One little setback and they’re dependent on Medicaid forever. Instead, when life hands you lemons, demand that it also hand you a $400 million jet in exchange for unnamed future political favors.
For some quick cash, you can exchange favorable tax and monopoly laws for a $40 million contract to make a documentary about your wife. (And don’t worry, the point is the exchange of favors, not the documentary itself, so it doesn’t matter if she happens to be painfully dull.)
Longer term, try a classic move: Have your Congress rewrite the tax code to enrich yourself and your friends. I assume most people who are stuck in poverty are there because the tax rate on millionaires has been too high. Why should you contribute to a government whose robber-baron-friendly policies enabled your wealth? Let the tax burden fall on your workers’ backs instead—burdens are literally what workers’ backs are for.
The smartest way to avoid poverty is to establish your own cryptocurrency. Cryptocurrency, of course, is made-up money. But when you wield power, everyone will feel pressure to exchange their real money for your pretend money. Even when they remember they need real money more than pretend money, you still profit when they sell your pretend money back to you: Transaction fees, conveniently, are paid in real money.
If you don’t make enough money through transaction fees to rise above the poverty line, use the purchase of the cryptocurrency as a lottery to win one-on-one time with you. That way, you can stop pretending the fake money has any intrinsic value.
If this all sounds a bit illegal, don’t forget to advise your Justice Department to stop enforcing cryptocurrency crimes. That’s how easy it is to avoid being poor enough to need Medicaid: Just decriminalize the crimes you want to do, then swiftly commit them.
Plus, don’t forget you can also pressure law firms to give you all the free legal representation you need. This tactic provides an incredible two-fer: You get free law advice, and law firms are rendered unable to use their pro bono time to challenge the government or protect vulnerable populations. Vulnerable people like those suckers who still, even after all this great advice, need government assistance.
By the time you take these common-sense measures to pull yourself out of poverty, you won’t need Medicaid. You won’t need health insurance at all. Straight out of your grift-lined pockets, you can pay a private doctor to confirm the absolute truth that you are six feet three inches and weigh 224 pounds with a resting heart rate of forty-eight beats per minute, bones made of ivory, and an IQ of 314.
If you weren’t so fit and bright, how else could you have gotten so rich?