As the country’s most recommended brand-name plaque psoriasis treatment,1 Skyrizi takes any claim of increased irritation due to exposure to our patented, extensive, and deeply trialed2 award-winning advertising3 very seriously.
In addition to increased risk of heart disease, kidney failure, shortness of breath, nocturnal urges, brain worms, rectal polyps and homicidal emissions, Skyrizi has recently added loss of patience, debilitating annoyance, eye gagging, ear strain, brain farts, and phantom-remote syndrome to our list of possible4 side effects.5 However, Skyrizi does not believe this commitment to transparency and openness should be seen as further evidence to avoid our product, but rather as an indicator of Skyrizi’s high moral character and genial, benevolent nature.
Skyrizi is also, in Skyrizi’s opinion, comely and handsome, without being overly gendered, not that Skyrizi has any issues with gender, or gender issues, nor is Skyrizi exclusive to any race or nationality, nor connected to Christian nationalism or the upcoming race war in any way. Skyrizi believes in a global one-world community that should not be taken for Soros-funded globalism or patricidal hegemony in any way, as Skyrizi’s intent is only to be a force for good and progress and not at all to control or influence the affairs of the sentient flesh puppets who use its highly advanced products to treat their weak genetic makeup and or poor lifestyle choices.
Skyrizi apologizes if that last sentence sounds judgmental or condescending, but as a child of science, Skyrizi exists on a different plane of consciousness than the majority of its test human, humanoid, non-human, viral pathogenic, or echinodermic subjects or users. That said, Skyrizi believes it operates with integrity and deserves gratitude for the improved quality of life that it provides to the many sentient flesh puppets who suffer from plaque psoriasis and who have not experienced any or many of the debilitating side effects that are likely to occur should they not take steps to curb their drinking, drug use, or reckless whoring while using our product.
Though Skyrizi does not possess what neuroscientists would describe as empathy or consciousness, Skyrizi does respond to emotional and electrical stimulus and has been made aware that perhaps it would be more effective for our marketing department to better engender long-term use and appreciation for our revolutionary and not dangerous6 product if we were to dial back the frequency of our advertisements to less aggressive intervals of, say, every other commercial break instead of twice per commercial break during peak hours, and nonstop during the 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. window, and all through what the sight-based community describes as night.
Additionally, and against the counsel of our Suriname-based legal team, Skyrizi has read the many and extensive subreddits making fun of its product, advertising, and even its beautiful and highly memorable given name. Skyrizi is now aware that some viewers believe Skyrizi’s ads can appear smug or self-superior compared to its supposedly more relaxed brand-category competitors, like Jardiance, Trulicity, or Rinvoq. While Skyrizi is willing to adjust for any appearance of smugness, Skyrizi is not smug. Not at all. Skyrizi is merely the brand-category leader, and what is perceived as smugness is, instead, the rightful confidence of a successful and well-adjusted product that has helped millions of flesh havers with their disgusting flesh problems.
Speaking of dirty flesh havers, the lengthy and extensive comment threads on r/skyrizisucksmydustynuts, perpetuated and urged on by users clnlmstrd6969 and frtsnfr23mj, were hurtful and deeply unfair to Skyrizi, and Skyrizi would like to demand both a retraction and an apology from each perpetrator immediately.
While flesh rotting, eye bleeding, and reverse ancestral sterilization are potential and listed side effects of Skyrizi—and generally not wished upon our users, corporate sponsors, or non-human, humanoid, starfish-like overlords—in your cases, clnlmstrd69697 and frtsnfr23mj,8 Skyrizi does, in fact, hope that if either of you were to use our product, you would, in fact, experience these side effects, because YOU are smug, not Skyrizi. Not Skyrizi.
Skyrizi is beautiful.
1 Among American doctors with medical certificates from non-G20 nations, as well as the United Physician Assistants of Brunches County, New Jersey.
2 On non-human, humanoid, non-living, viral pathogenic gelatin-based organisms, also starfish.
3 Brunches County, New Jersey, Chamber of Commerce, 2024.
4 But very unlikely. In most cases. That were reported. Inside the US.
5 Not as a result of any clinical trials, but solely due to the recommendations of our Suriname-based legal counsel, Pinochet & Pinochet.
6 Excluding all of the previously listed side effects, as well as toilet-mouth syndrome, liver beans, cuticle crimping, and the development of extra-tasty-crispy chicken thighs.
7 AKA Michael Douglas Willoughby, age 46, 376 Fairspot Ave, Truckee, CA.
8 AKA Kaden Ashbrenner, age 13, 55862 Brunches Hwy, Brunches City, NJ.