“Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem slammed the ‘ancient system’ used to warn the public of potential weather threats — and vowed the Trump administration plans to ‘fix’ the technology… Sitting next to Gov. Greg Abbott, Noem was asked why the National Weather Service’s alerts about the heavy rainfall and flash flooding [in Texas] were ‘delayed,’ and said the situation was inherited.” — New York Post
As Texas begins to recover from last week’s catastrophic flooding, the Trump administration would like to reassure Texans that Donald Trump is doing everything in his power to improve the National Weather Service’s outdated alert system. That’s why, as part of the DOGE cuts five months ago, we fired everyone at NOAA and replaced them with one guy named Noah.
It may seem counterintuitive to promise to divert more resources into weather prediction and emergency alert systems while simultaneously diverting funding away from weather prediction and emergency alert systems, to the point where America’s entire meteorological apparatus is being run by one recent college grad on his laptop. But, when it comes to improving weather alerts, we can confidently say we have our best guy working on it, because we have our only guy working on it.
If you think one guy working on a 2019 MacBook Air can’t give weather updates to the entire country, think again. The problem with the old NOAA, like all government agencies, was the logistical challenge of coordinating between hundreds of employees across dozens of field offices. The new Noah doesn’t have that problem, because he’s just one dude sitting alone on his living room couch in his underwear, lathered in 5 percent discounted Trump cologne.
And sure, the new Noah may not be able to keep track of every weather system on a granular level. But at least he doesn’t have to jump through any bureaucratic hoops. He can view a real-time satellite map of the US and quickly determine, roughly, which swaths of the country are currently experiencing heavy rainfall. Then he can shout those alerts at the top of his lungs from the window of his apartment. What Americans do with that information is ultimately up to them.
President Trump’s vow to improve emergency alerts isn’t a hollow promise meant to placate people until they inevitably turn their attention to the next scandal. He really believes Noah is going to get the job done. Just as soon as his computer stops crashing because it doesn’t have enough RAM to run a global weather simulation. A few trips to the Apple Store ought to do the trick.
Of course, some sacrifices will have to be made. Reducing NOAA down to one guy named Noah means eliminating the Office of Oceanic and Atmospheric Research. Some people might think that if multiple parts of the country now get thousand-year floods every five years, it might be a sign that the climate has changed. And some people might think that’s worth studying so we can better understand how to prepare for that new reality.
Noah isn’t one of those people, because we made it very clear when we hired him that he doesn’t get paid to think.
That’s not the only operational change that will have to be made. We originally hired Noah to run both NOAA and FEMA. However, in the end, we decided he had too much on his plate to single-handedly run two federal agencies. So, instead, we’ve decided to phase out FEMA entirely. The states, Texas included, are more than capable of handling their own emergency relief efforts by themselves. I’m confident Governor Abbott will be able to manage any future weather catastrophes just as effectively as he handled that huge freeze a few years ago.
So, ignore the critics who say that replacing NOAA with Noah will leave Americans less prepared for extreme weather events. And pay no attention to the claim that we gutted NOAA to make room in the budget for tax cuts that will mostly go to people who can already afford to build themselves climate-resilient doomsday bunkers. These cuts aim to streamline our weather alert systems by consolidating them under Noah’s capable hands. He’ll keep Americans safe.
Just as long as they’re within earshot of his apartment. If you hear Noah scream, head for the hills.