If Zohran Mamdani does the inevitable and becomes mayor, and if he avoids deportation for committing the most tell-tale sign of a communist—using your hands to eat chicken over rice—New Yorkers might experience a cultural shift not seen since Jay-Z and Alicia Keys convinced the entire city that it could romanticize rent prices.
We’re talking about a full ideological rebranding of all five boroughs through rent freezing, free childcare, no longer allowing police to use their exceptional skills in racial profiling, and Trump’s ICE having to move to Hoboken to bully frat boys. You’ll be expected to know the difference between halal, Haram, and Hasan Minhaj. Landlords will no longer be able to afford matcha lattes, metro announcements will start with morning prayer rituals, and you will be asked the difference between infants, Fanta, and intifada before being served any spicy food.
While mainstream media is busy investigating the veracity of internet trolls on which race/ethnicity box Mamdani checked for his college application over a decade ago, we bring original, in-depth analysis on what Mamdani’s administration could mean for everyday New Yorkers, including proposed policies, promises, and rules that may or may not be enforceable under municipal code:
You need to know what halal means.
Halal is interpreted in many ways by those who practice the faith. Some examples include strictly avoiding Fox News, EDM concerts, sharing AI-generated content, drinks with mushrooms in them, and pestering your friends to play pickleball on Saturdays. The last one was added circa 2020 AD, after extensive consultation with multiple imams and several annoyed late sleepers.
He supports rent freezes for all, especially for Mets fans.
Zohran loves the Mets, and if you’re a Mets fan, you qualify for a special rent voucher—provided you attend every home game and boo the Yankees on command. This offer does not apply to landlords. If you’re a landlord trying to raise rent, Sharia law will be applied. No, I will not explain how, but it does mean you can’t order food from halal trucks.
Establishing the department of community safety.
Mamdani plans to invest in city-wide mental health programs and crisis response. Instead of harassing people in need of support, police officers will now be trained to give directions and help carry that third Trader Joe’s bag for a block, so millennials don’t throw out their backs before turning fifty.
Free childcare support.
While it means you no longer have to pay for your child’s education before elementary school, it also means they’ll attend a Montessori school where improv teachers guide them through the ABCs, workplace unionizing, and Friedrich Engels’s views on tenant rights. Your child will ask you whether Paw Patrol is just copaganda.
Fast free buses.
This is actually bad news for us South Asians. Buses were our number one excuse for being late. We are screwed, and now must make it in time for trivia night and every zodiac-themed bracelet-making class. We just pray the C train doesn’t follow suit.
Progressive taxation.
The 1 percent of New Yorkers who believe Whole Foods is superior to all other grocery stores will be taxed at a higher rate. Other high-risk groups for taxation include: individuals who take more than a minute to order their coffee, those who stare at Calvin Klein ads for an uncomfortable amount of time, and people who hoard excessive green space during movie nights at Bryant Park. Also, landlords who attempt to sound anticapitalist in order to relate to their tenants will be promptly evicted.
City-owned grocery stores.
Imagine a grocery store where aisles just make sense (why is cayenne located in the international section and not in the spice section?), products don’t mysteriously disappear off the shelf just to tease customers (we know what you are up to, TJs), and you can buy produce at wholesale prices (this is not a joke). This is what Mamdani is promising, along with eliminating the loud, condescending cash register noises that make you question all your life’s decisions.
Mamdani’s administration could transform NYC from the city that never sleeps into one that unionizes, promotes gender-affirming care, and guarantees a minimum wage high enough to make Bezos sign a prenup with Sanchez—all served with a side of za’atar fries. And yes, the rats will have squatters’ rights.