Starting later this year, all American women will be required to have a Government-Assigned Life Coach (GALC) in order to maintain US citizenship.
According to America’s top scientists, Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan, women’s independent thinking has been officially declared the number one cause of all bad stuff in the country. To address this national crisis, we’ve developed groundbreaking technology that captures women’s thoughts and feelings and transforms them into brand sponsorships. In exchange for surrendering their inner lives, women will receive the thing they love most: a free tote bag from Target.
Why GALC now?
Women were invented by scientists in 1972 primarily for economic purposes: to purchase beauty products, binge true crime, and fuel the algorithm using bikini selfies captioned with song lyrics about liberation they were never meant to fully experience. For decades, their low self-esteem has been a key driver of the GDP.
By 2012, we had nearly succeeded in turning every woman into a brand.
But now? Women are healing. They’re refusing to explain themselves. Some have even stopped apologizing in emails.
We’ve tried everything to stop the spread of self-worth:
- inventing the phrase “Live, Laugh, Love”
- making “girl dinner” a personality
- sexualizing math
- rebranding South Korea as “The Giant Sephora”
- changing the suggested size of butts every fifteen years
Nothing has worked.
At this emergency juncture, we are prepared to enforce mandatory participation in the GALC system, which is guaranteed to restore national order. Welcome to the future.
GALC Enrollment: For Your Safety and Ours
STEP 1: Visit galc.gov/portal/heal.
STEP 2: Create a username. (It may not include the words “cute,” “slay,” or “queen.”)
STEP 3: Choose a security question:
- What would your therapist say about you?
- What was the name of the pet you projected the most emotional baggage onto?
- Who hurt you? (Be specific.)
After signing up, you may begin using your personal mantra. For example, “I am not a burden—I am a brand.”
Meet GOGGINS
Your GALC will be powered by GOGGINS, a revolutionary AI system created by Walton Goggins (the computer scientist, not the actor—although Goggins will be portrayed by the actor Goggins in the training video).
GOGGINS will track women’s emotions, thoughts, spending habits, hydration levels, and astrological charts in real time. These will be immediately uploaded to the government’s AI. This is good for America.
Weekly Self-Work Requirements
To maintain good standing, you must complete one hundred units of Reflective Inner Child work and post your progress every week. This includes:
- crying selfies and/or shame spirals with voice-over
- posts throwing shade at your therapist
- receipts for the purchase of at least seven beauty products
- voice notes to your GALC that start with “I’m just in a weird place right now”
Your GALC will then assess your current level of unworthiness and auto-generate a Glow Up Roadmap including:
- suggested Botox procedures
- a how-to guide on canceling social plans so you can practice manifesting
- required outfit purchases that are all athleisure wear in one size too small
In time, GALC will ensure all women are too busy self-improving to form thoughts. If your GALC still doesn’t understand your inner child by week six, that’s on you.
To improve communication, you’ll be prompted to subscribe to additional wellness services. GALC has partnered with Tubi to support your emotional consumer journey. Each week, you’ll be granted one government-approved rom-com viewing with your GALC, followed by a debrief on what you’ve learned about love.
Non-Compliance Policy
Failure to meet GALC requirements will result in mandatory community service, which consists of spending time with a Government-Assigned Lonely Male (GALM) in your zip code. You will be allowed three strikes:
- STRIKE 1: Accompany your GALM to the gym and agree with his reasons for “getting swoll.”
- STRIKE 2: Accept a drink from your GALM and endure a ten-minute rant about how “women already have equal rights, because I just bought you this.”
- STRIKE 3: Publicly state that Barbie was “overrated, actually.”
Your Role in Fixing the American Economy
Your GALC will be your spiritual guide and transformational guru, here to reconnect you with your divine purpose as a woman: buying products to fix yourself.
Through curated shame, vague encouragement, and relentless product recommendations, GALC will return women to their natural state of self-doubt and economic contribution.
Remember: You are not broken. You are a brand.
For support, please ask GOGGINS for a contact form.
America thanks you in advance for your healing journey.