JADEN, COLLEGE STUDENT: “It was second semester senior year. I was quietly chatting with classmates before our French literature exam. That’s when an older woman, like, much older, busted into the lecture hall.”
CHLOE, COLLEGE STUDENT: “We all jumped. No one knew who she was. She announced loudly that she was here to take the exam and that she was ‘definitely prepared.’ It was weird.”
MME. MICHELLE, FRENCH PROFESSOR: “I noticed she was holding books from my syllabus that were still in shrink wrap. She clearly hadn’t done any of the reading. Certainly, she had never attended my class.”
CHLOE: “She was carrying so much crap: books, shopping bags, strollers, and this huge stack of REAL IDs. Everything was spilling onto the ground, but she couldn’t pick them up because of, well… her disability.”
JADEN: “I don’t know the medical term. And I really don’t want to be offensive, but her hands were doorknobs. Like, actual brass doorknobs. She kept trying to pick up her belongings but wasn’t able.”
CHLOE: “Her struggle only lasted a couple of seconds. But trust me: for everyone watching, it felt like an eternity.”
DAVID, STUDENT/REAL ESTATE AGENT: “I actually knew the woman. I helped her buy a house in 2018, and I occasionally see her husband at the gym. She’s nice enough, but it was bizarre that she was taking the exam with us. As a forty-five-year-old realtor with a wife and three kids, I take this elective French literature class at Unnamed University very seriously. Frankly, I was annoyed that she was so unprepared.”
CHLOE: “She sat next to me in the chair that always squeaks. She was emitting a lot of nervous energy. Nervous, horny energy.”
OFFICER TOM, CHIEF OF CAMPUS SECURITY: “My department got an alert that an elderly, sexually confused woman had dropped from the sky and landed face-first on the South Quad.”
OFFICER RICK, CAMPUS SECURITY: “Thanks to eyewitness accounts and the dozens of REAL IDs she was dropping around campus, we were able to track her movements. We determined that she had gone through the campus Quicksand Pit, into the Love Island UK Villa, and ended at a Morgan Wallen concert at an off-campus studio apartment.”
OFFICER TOM: “According to Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who was at the concert, she left abruptly after trying to punch his head with her … uh… doorknob hands. Is that the correct terminology?”
OFFICER RICK: “Twelve-ish hours later, she arrived at the Language Arts building, apparently to take a French exam.”
MME. MICHELLE: “You can’t just wing it in French literature. I knew this woman was going to learn that the hard way. You should’ve seen her face when she opened the exam booklet and blood gushed out of the pages. She was shocked!”
CHLOE: “Halfway through the exam, I morphed into Dakota Johnson. It’s a genetic condition, something I’ve dealt with my whole life.”
DAKOTA JOHNSON, ACTOR: “I was trying to focus on the exam, but the woman next to me kept staring. When I looked over, she gave this big, weird smile and then—I swear to God—three teeth dropped out of her mouth. She pretended like it didn’t happen, but it did. I saw it.”
NANCY, RETIREE: “Of course I was banging on the lecture hall window, she’s my daughter! My head was a skull because I’m going to die one day. But mostly, I needed her to know that her flight to Absolutely Nowhere was about to board!!”
MME. MICHELLE: “She never finished the exam. One moment she was deathly afraid of failing, then she’s got both doorknobs down Dakota’s blouse, and then, poof, she blew through the lecture hall’s ceiling like a less-smart Iron Man.”
TYRESE HALIBURTON, INDIANA PACERS POINT GUARD / DELTA AIRLINES GATE AGENT: “This job is my passion. I was about to close the gate door when I saw her coming. She was moving so slowly because she had cinder blocks for feet. She finally made it, but I had to turn her away because she had no REAL ID and no clothes. Again, this job is my passion, and I will not tolerate this kind of nonsense.”
OFFICER TOM: “Listen, here’s the thing: This woman has been on our radar for decades. She seems to think she’s completely incompetent and that nobody likes her… and it’s true. The data confirms it. Last semester, she appeared at the robotics competition with no robot and no pants. I have a buddy in Texas who said she dropped into the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders’ final auditions wearing an astronaut suit. She was even on the local news for being the first person to give birth to a mouse. That poor mouse… Look, the best we can do is stand by and make sure her ignorance, chaos, and worthless sexual energy don’t rub off on the esteemed, productive members of our society. If you see her out in public, please do not assist.”