“ABC pulls Jimmy Kimmel off air for Charlie Kirk comments after FCC pressure.” — New York Times
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The FCC has long held that “the public interest is best served by permitting free expression of views.” But given recent events, we recognize there may be some confusion about what is actually allowed. We have added these guidelines for late-night hosts and other members of the traitorous left-wing media.
- Please don’t make any jokes that offend or contradict our viewers. By “viewers,” we mean our free-speech-championing president, who many people say deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. Late-night jokes shouldn’t be biting, critical, or funny. Jokes should be more like third wives—anodyne, mostly quiet, and on good terms with convicted pedophiles.
- As long as you’re rewriting the monologues, please know the president loves a good joke, provided the joke teller fawns over him in the manner of a fatuous and shameless sycophant, and mentions his astonishing 2.8 golf handicap. Also, if you fail to call him a style icon and make any reference at all to his fraud convictions, he will sue you for $15 billion.
- Jokes can still be “edgy” if they make fun of anyone from the LGBTQ community, the disabled, or suggest that Puerto Rico is a floating pile of garbage. Man Show–era Jimmy Kimmel would probably have been fine, but only if he had done more blackface.
- Words to avoid: “diversity,” “equity,” “empathy,” “justice,” and “chronic venous insufficiency.”
- Words you are encouraged to use: “woke,” “triggered,” “snowflake,” “vermin,” and “r-word” (also, any other words that begin with one letter and a hyphen).
- If you say anything negative about spurious free-speech provocateurs, you will be doxxed, harassed, and fired.
- If you praise authoritarians and are an avowed white supremacist, the president will invite you to dinner.
- If you say mentally ill people should be involuntarily euthanized by lethal injection, the president will come on your show.
- If you make a disingenuous case that all political violence is committed by the left, you could get a new late-night talk show.
- TV hosts aren’t the only ones who should take note of our new FCC guidelines, though. Private-sector companies that engage DEI programs will be targeted by the government. Billionaires who support our president will receive lucrative government contracts, deregulation, and fracking rights. And rest assured that companies on the far-right side of history will never be audited.
- If you kill people in Kenosha, the president will also invite you to dinner.
- If you publish accurate data about right-wing terrorism, it will be deleted. Right-wing activists are as peaceful as children in a candy store or beauty pageant owners in a teenage girls’ dressing room.
- If you publish accurate economic data about the economy, you will be fired.
- If you suggest that anyone is using Charlie Kirk’s murder as a pretext to come for critics of the president, we will come for you. We will also delete the word “irony” from the dictionary.
- Finally, federal law prohibits obscene, indecent, and profane content from being broadcast on the radio or TV. However, if you brag about grabbing women by the genitals, you are a courageous style icon who should win the Nobel Peace Prize and be allowed to play on the US Ryder Cup team.
We hope this clarifies things, snowflakes. (Now, that’s a good joke.) We look forward to watching Greg Gutfeld Live! on ABC later this fall.