“For this reason, they are strongly recommending that women limit Tylenol use during pregnancy unless medically necessary. That’s, for instance, in cases of extremely high fever, that you feel you can’t tough it out, you can’t do it. I guess there’s that. It’s a small number of cases, I think. But if you can’t tough it out, if you can’t do it, that’s what you’re going to have to do.” — Donald Trump
Common cold
Gently pinch the bridge of your nose, press on your upper lip, and avoid looking at the sun.
Low-grade fever
Eat a McFlurry in an ice bath full of bleach.
Back pain
We have two words for you: booty massage.
Cramps
Try not complaining. Men get cramps, too, you know.
Migraines
Botox. Despite it being a toxin, we aren’t worried about Botox, because according to science, it makes women hotter.
Round ligament pain
If it’s legitimate round ligament pain, the body has ways of shutting that down.
Breast tenderness
Why would you want to get rid of your big, beautiful, tender breasts? You should be proud of them, they’re tremendous.
Lightning crotch
Exorcism.
Carpal tunnel syndrome
What is that, like arthritis? Gross. Women shouldn’t be old. Try a retinol.
The feeling that a baby is falling out of your butthole
Women shouldn’t have buttholes.
Diastasis recti
Hit the gym, Tubby.
Sacroiliac joint pain
Not sure, but we saw an ad on X for something called “Trumphetamine.” Worth a try, at least?
Recovering from a miscarriage
We aren’t even going to answer that. Women are not allowed to have a miscarriage.
Recovering from an abortion
Death penalty.
Recovering from childbirth
Have another baby.