Due to the overwhelming number of anticipated brawls this Thanksgiving, we decided to streamline your day with an Official Family Thanksgiving Fight Schedule. This is a double-elimination tournament that will abide by UFC rules.1
MOM vs. GRANDMA
1:00 p.m. / Living Room
This first fight will center around generational trauma and fruit salad. It will set the tone for the rest of the event.
TURKEY vs. CHEF
All Day / Kitchen
Though the turkey suffered a deadly beating last week in TURKEY vs. BUTCHER, it still has some fight left in it. This deceased bird will do everything in its power to ruin the chef’s credibility and sanity.
SIBLING vs. SIBLING
2:45 p.m. / Upstairs
This dispute will start about the rightful owner of the shirt currently on your body and that thing you said two months ago at Mimi’s memorial service. It will end with psychological warfare.
OPEN ENTRY
3:15 p.m. / Kitchen
A kitchen-based round that can accommodate anywhere from four to nine challengers. This is an open-entry fight that will mostly center around oven space. It will get heated. Gloves or potholders are required.
YOUR BROTHER’S NEW GIRLFRIEND vs. GRANDPA
5:00 p.m. / Couch
Though these two could have found some common ground with their mutual interest in CBD oils, they will choose to talk politics instead. Only one player will make it through the night.
MOM vs. DAD
Asynchronous / Entire House
Following last year’s blow-up, this is the most highly anticipated match-up of the season. Rebuttal preparations have been underway for the past year. Since these two cannot be in the same room, this brawl will mostly take place via text and the mediator’s legal documents.
NOTE: Players who have lost in the main bracket will be sent to the loser’s bracket to continue competing throughout the evening.
LOSERS’ BRACKET: ALL vs. UNCLE
7:15 p.m. / Dinner Table
In the losers’ bracket, we have all the losers against Uncle Steve. He’s willing to fight anyone on any issue. There will not be a referee.
1 According to the official UFC website, “The Unified Rules of Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) aim to provide a clear set of rules governing professional MMA competition that remain consistent across the jurisdictions of various athletic commissions and other regulatory bodies. The following acts constitute fouls in a contest or exhibition of mixed martial arts and may result in penalties, at the discretion of the referee, if committed:
- Butting with the head
- Eye gouging of any kind
- Biting or spitting at an opponent
- Fish hooking (act of inserting a finger or fingers or one or both hands into the mouth or nostrils or a person, pulling away from the centerline of the body)
- Hair pulling
- Spiking an opponent to the canvas on his head or neck
- Strikes to the spine or the back of the head.
- Throat strikes of any kind, and/or grabbing the trachea
- Fingers outstretched toward an opponent’s face/eyes
- Downward pointing elbow strike (“12 to 6 strike”)
- Groin attacks of any kind
- Kneeing and/or kicking the head of a grounded opponent
- Stomping a grounded opponent
- Holding opponent’s gloves or shorts
- Holding or grabbing the fence or ropes with fingers or toes
- Small joint manipulation
- Throwing opponent out of ring/fighting area
- Intentionally placing a finger into any orifice or any cut or laceration of an opponent
- Clawing, pinching, or twisting the flesh
- Timidity (avoiding contact with an opponent, intentionally or consistently dropping the mouthpiece, or faking an injury)
Everything else is fair game.