Dear Hiring Manager,
I am setting aside my aspirations and sense of self-worth to apply for the Global Account Project Management Executive position at Capital Ventures. Despite my disdain for and ethical opposition to generative AI, I’ve asked ChatGPT to write this cover letter to fulfill the requirement outlined in your posting. Unfortunately, it spat out nonsense slop, which I have had to edit heavily. I understand this will be “read” by other AI and not evaluated by a human; accordingly, I am including as many buzzwords as possible so that this letter aligns with the company’s mission to expand global accounts, innovate, and drive stakeholder value.
In my previous roles, I have practiced advanced synergetic evaluations of international high-stakes markets and engaged in vague problem-solving. As a nameless cog in a corporate machine, I have worked hours far in excess of those outlined in my hiring contract without overtime pay because I needed health insurance and was afraid of getting fired. I will bring the same fear-based performance to this position.
I also have a strong track record of never taking sick leave. I am not a little whiny bitch who falls ill. No, I am a reliable cog, and I consistently show up to ask AI to type my emails for me while I make tea from the dirty coffee water in the office kitchen, even when I am feverish because we don’t have enough staff to cover for me, and I am trying to save my two sick days for doctor’s appointments. As Global Account Project Management Executive, I will maintain the same in-office attendance record, despite all of my meetings occurring over Teams, because I understand the urgency of this work, even though you couldn’t define it in any concrete terms in the job description.
I am eager to bring my expertise and lack of self-worth to this criminally underpaid position for which I am overqualified. Nothing could be more important to me while the world burns and the country incites war than to give my time and energy in this one precious life to increase your executives’ paychecks. Thank you for your time and consideration.
I look forward to proving my value in eight to ten rounds of interviews for this highly competitive role.
Sincerely,
Elizabeth Rose