Hello, it’s your subconscious here. Quince speaking.
Having spent years gently occupying your favorite Dharma & Greg rewatch podcast with tales of our top-notch Mongolian cashmere, we are thrilled to move our direct-to-consumer approach into Phase Two: full integration into your implicit mind.
For years now, you have thought, “Huh? Are their 100 percent European linen tunics as good as the character actress who played Jenna Elfman’s mother suggests?” And yet—and yet!—our data suggests a good many of you have yet to place an order. Which upsets Dharma, to say nothing of Greg. Which upsets Quince.
Did you think we saturated the audio landscape for fun? No. We did it for you, dear consumer. And yet you still—still!—have not used promo code WhyDontYouRememberThatShowItRanForFiveSeasons to secure a pair of washable stretch silk palazzo pants for your aunt’s birthday.
Having left us no choice, here is how this works now. Whenever words like “Strait of Hormuz,” “Anthropic,” or “Chloe from Dance Moms should really have a podcast” fall silent in your mind, we at Quince will slip in. Where there was once whatever counts for quiet in this decade, there will now be gentle reminders of how we cut out the middleman and pass the savings on to you (promo code: ShutupYoureTheCreepyOne).
Not that we are unreasonable. For every order over one hundred dollars, we will pass the sweet relief of silence on to you. For exactly two hours, you will not hear a thing about our luxury quality without a luxury markup. No linen. No silk. No gushing host who we may or may not be holding at gunpoint (promo code: WeTotallyAre). Unless, of course, you choose to listen to any of the literally seven hundred podcasts on which we have commanded sponsorship (promo code: WhoopsItsNowEightHundredAndTwo).
Look, we too believed we could rely on the Pod Save America guys to do the heavy lifting. But you Americans? You need a lot more saving. And savings. That is why we are now offering a 10 percent discount if you order between now and your next bathroom break (promo code: YesWeCanSeeYouShit).
You might be wondering how you will sleep. Do not worry. We promise not to invade your mind with the virtues of our newly launched travel line during rest hours. No, no—between midnight and six, we will only share the virtues of our washable pajamas, and only in a gentle whisper. And get this, should you order precisely at 3 a.m., we will throw in a free Mulberry silk sleep mask (promo code: YouShouldWearYourInsomniaLikeThatMore).
There is no use resisting. We may be named after an obscure fruit, but our goal has always been ubiquitous dominance. Had you simply listened to Kimmy Gibbler when she spoke of the virtues of our surprisingly flattering swimwear line, escalation may not have been in order. But just like the Tanner family, you rejected poor Kimmy. And our high-quality pieces at a fraction of the price. Neither of us takes that lightly (promo code: TheyWereSoGoddamnMeanToHerOnThatShow).
All of this to say: You will place an order. Today. Now. Or Else. (promo code: YouDontWantToAngerUsMore).
And, as always, we offer 365-day easy returns. Of your cotton modal double-scoop-neck tank, if not your sanity.